Where’s the answers dammit!

As I mentioned this past week, I saw my doc and had some tests done. Now, usually – the past 6, 7, maybe 8 times – when I have had tests done, positive or negative he phones to tell me the results. Monday will be a week, and I still haven’t heard word one from the guy.

To be fair, there is a good chance he got the results, they all came back fine, and he figured, “*shrug* Ah well, nothing wrong, I’ll tell her next time she’s in” or something along those lines. So I will phone Monday to check. It’s just that it is VERY annoying, especially as he KNOWS I am getting to my breaking point over all these problems and just WANT SOME FUCKING ANSWERS GOD DAMMIT! IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK??

Sorry, didn’t mean to yell. I am just very frustrated at the moment.

Ah, but I have to admit, while not great, I have had a decent few days. Yeah, my bowel/digestive/whateverthefuck problem was there, and sure, I am still tiring easily, but I have been training a few people at work, which means I get to just sit back and chill out for a bit (just packing instead of dealing with customers directly). And I have had some of the customers tell the girls I was training that I was the perfect person to train, as I know what I am doing, and what customer service is all about! So THAT felt good.

Also, today, I wore my hair down (briefly) and got lots and lots of compliments. Would have kept it down, but even with the AC in the store it just added to how hot I felt, so ended up putting it up majority of the shift, JUST so I could try to cool off. I really need a hair cut.

I am finding myself in that grey area of my moods. For example, I am tired and should go to bed, but yet I am avoiding bed. NO real reason I can think of? I watch Supernatural, and enjoy it, but it just isn’t this “I MUST ABSORB IT ALL GIVE ME MORE” type watching as it has been in the past. It feels more like “Dude, I totally get how you feel, so I will watch my own feelings via a show and wonder what is wrong with me”. I don’t know? I just feel like I am in a very weird place. I usually feel this way just before winter, and sometimes in the spring (usually JUST before an oh so wonderful dip into the black hole of depression), but it also feels different?

Some days I really wish I knew how to describe my feelings. I just know I don’t feel like I am going into depression, yet it is similar. I just feel … off. Like I want to avoid the world, people, and my own life, and yet, at the same time? (frustration over health aside) I am feeling okay. Not quite content, but like I have found a log in a vast ocean, and the storm is ending. If that makes sense?

I do feel like I can continue the fight, and almost jump ahead instead of watching myself, make sure it is one foot in front of the other.

So why is there under lying feeling of “Ut oh, what’s next?”

I keep holding out hope that if I could just get answers to my health problems – definitive answers, not “probably XYZ” – then I could finally work towards a solution, and improve not just my physical health, but maybe my mental health too.

I mean, for fuck sakes, I am losing weight (maybe not so much the scale shows me, but even my size 12 pants are now loose on me), getting loads of compliments (NOT just looks, but work ethics and stuff), and just over all have a “good life”. So WHY the hell do I feel like “pending doom” is hovering over my head just WAITING to pounce?

Is THIS what it is like to worry? I have never really worried about anything before, well, not before I had the answers/results/whatever. It was only once the “thing” happened that I would allow myself a moment of triumph/sadness/worry (for about a minute) then move on to the solution.

So if this is what it feels like to worry, then how do I know what I am worrying about, and how do I stop it? If it is NOT worrying, then what is it, and again, how do I stop it?

Honestly, I just. Want. ANSWERS. Dammit.

*huge sigh* Whatever. As always, I am fine, this will pass, and I will (as usual) find away out, of whatever this is, and continue on.

Time to go watch more Supernatural and completely relate to Dean, and tell the world to go fuck itself. *nods* Okay, maybe not COMPLETELY, after all, I haven’t died (a bazillion times), or been a demon, or seen ghosts and stuff, but the rest of it … O_o Sort of?

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One Response to Where’s the answers dammit!

  1. Susan says:

    Follow up comment —
    The brain is a very strange thing. Seriously. For example, as almost all of my posts will attest to, I obviously have a mental health issue (eg: depression and maybe other things?), and yet, I JUST realized, as I hit publish, I very rarely will give it that label. I skirt around it.

    Why is it so hard to say “Yep, I have a mental health problem”? I have NO problem saying I have a thyroid problem, or never damage etc. Yet, seldom will I say “Yeah, I have a mental health issue”, even though I was diagnosed with S.A.D.

    I need to work on that.Shame that mental issues are not as easily “solved” as other health issues, with a (mostly) one-size-fits-all type solution (eg: synthroid for hypothyroidism)


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