Health stuff

I am in some serious need of answers, NOW!  I have no clue when I will be scheduled for my colonoscopy, but it better be ASAFP! I am not even sure if it is my bowel/stomach/whatever issues that are the problem any more? I mean, sure, it seems like fixing that might lead to everything else balancing out and getting better. But my brain is slowly turning to liquid jello (as it, it is still semi solid, but it has sat in the sun to long, and is melting fast).

Since I started the extra iron, Vitamin C, and B 12, my inside issues have changed. Still get the cramping, and other gross stuff, but now it is harder and less of it? With more nausea.

I also am having the added bonus of random stops in the brain – More sever than walking into a room and forgetting why, more like a waking black out? – And my bleak “life sucks” out look on things is …. well, different. This is a depression I haven’t felt before. Much darker, more “let the world burn” sort of thing than my usual sadness and “bah who cares” type thing. Plus I find I am VERY quick to anger. The silliest things make me want to strangle things. (which isn’t a good thing when you have a 20-year-old!)

Things are changing, not for the better. LOGICALLY I know the general side of things in my life ARE in fact better, but emotionally, it feels like I am in a far worse place than I have ever been.

I am fighting this with ever fiber of my being, but I am beyond tired. I am so sick of having health issues, I am sick of life my brain trying to pull me down and beat the shit out of me. I am just plain old tired of it all.

*brain fart*

Re-read that, sound like a fucking “goodbye cruel world” note. I assure you, it is NOT one of those. Never will be. I would like to think I am strong than that. I KNOW I have family that loves me, needs me, and supports me. And I am sure someone out there (even if I don’t realize it) would care if I was gone. Besides, I don’t believe in any after life, so what would be the point of trying to get there? … sorry, bad attempt at humour. That was low.

No, I may sometimes wonder what things would be like for me if I wasn’t me, or for others if I wasn’t here, but I could never take that route. Plus I hate pain (no, seriously, I can handle it, just don’t like it)

Thing is? I just want answers.

AND selfishly? egotistically? I want (for once in my life – I have never cared before) for people to say to me “Hey, we care”, even if I have never even known them to exist. You know?

I don’t know where this is coming from, and I don’t know why now. Maybe it comes from work? (just a theory), since some customers say they will only come to my till, or that they miss me when I am not working. I don’t know? I mean it feels …. well, that’s just it isn’t it? I FEEL! It makes me feel good about myself for a while – short though it may be – and that’s not a bad thing. But it is a selfish (or some word) for me to want that all the time. I don’t know. Maybe if I had a friend, someone other than family, that I interacted with on a regular basis, that feeling wouldn’t be there? I mean yeah, it’s nice to hear it from family all the time, but they are family. They have to say that. (well, not really, but it feels like that.)

Anyway … I am just having a rough night, needed to vent. Especially as my loving son is now up here doing deep sighs and eye rolls, and grunts because I am not in bed asleep … And instead of thinking it is sweet he cares, it makes me wish to strangle him with his own tongue!

I feel violent tonight, and knowing that, and knowing the husband is snoring (nothing new) very loudly, means I am protecting him by staying awake (but making the anger worse … damned circles).

Instead, I stay up, binge watch supernatural and relate to Dean so damned much I think I should by plaid flannel shirts …. (umm no)

Seriously, I need to kick something, or shot something or … HOLY FUCK IF THIS KID SIGHS ONE MORE TIME ….

*BOOM* ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

OH. MY. GOD. Now he is cracking his knuckles … I will so crack something kid …

*counts backwards from 10*

*deeeeeep breath*

Umm yeah, I think I need sleep, answers, and a fucking hug from a grizzly bear.

Ugh, good night.

 

FYI, I will ALWAYS fight this, I will get past this. I am just in a spiral right now. Not even sure seeing Jensen and Jared in person (mmm or that car, oh yeah – err sorry *blush*) would help my mood right now. I just wish I had a well stocked (with wi-fi) cave I could retreat to for a few days weeks months. (NO BUGS!)

*cries in corner*

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