Changes

I have no clue if it is a good or bad thing that my body is changing how it handles things. Both in a general sense, as well as my internal problems.

I am not even sure if these changes mean anything, or if it is just a new stage of whatever is plaguing me.

While I am eternally grateful that I live in a country (province) when I can receive medical care weather I have money, owe money, or am dead broke, I am also very sad that it can take too long for tests that are needed. Some provinces are better than others of course. And I live in a province that happens to have a doctor shortage, which means, because I am not an emergency, that it may take a few months before I even get a date for the test(s). 

Normally this would not bother me at all. Sure, I have health issues, but I never considered any of the to be that huge of a problem in my day to day life. Yes, I’d be exhausted, have trouble forming thoughts and stringing words together, and even minor aches and pains, but none that made the act of living painful.

My internal workings (mainly bowel problems) have been with me all my life, but in the last few years they have changed, and twisted, and in general begun to cause more and more problems in my life. 

The latest changes have begun to make me wish I had the problems that sent me to the doctor in the first place!

I have gone from a constant dull cramping and bowel movement timing issue to intense sharp pains, with timing issues. Along with actual stool changes. 

I would go so far as to say I am worried, just frustrated, annoyed, and tired of it all. 

I honestly am not even sure what is annoying me more? The miriad (sp?) of problems, or the fact I don’t even know which problems are connected, and which are signaling something new?

Hell, for all i know they are all connected to my thyroid. Or not. I have no clue.

I think what I am finding so hard about it all, is the need to keep a happy face, keep fighting on for myself (and others), when all i want to do is stop the ride and get off. It isn’t fun, it isn’t even close to how I thought I would spend my mid years. 

I expected health problems, just not yet.

I don’t want to give up, not on my health, and never on my life. I just want to know there is a finish line. Some where that I can rest, gain some momentum. I don’t know. 

I just want someone else to do the fighting for me I guess? I have support, but some days it really feels like I am alone.

I guess what triggered all this, today at work I began having similar pains as I did over 25 years ago. A pain I wouldn’t wish on an enemy. 

You see, I have had ovarian cysts, and just before the explode, they begin to cause pain, I won’t go into the pain of an exploding cyst!! Holy fuck! 

But that “pre-explotion” pain is still not pleasant. And it was so very similar. To the point I honestly debated about going to the hospital. That is, until I got home and had coffee and the pain shifted. 

Let’s just say that while still stabbing pain, it is easing (I have typed this whole thing from the toilet, just to help explain, without detail, why it is easing …)
Honestly, when the flying fuck will the fight with my health end? If it isn’t one thing it is another! 

Make it stop damnit.

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