***WARNING: RAMBLING AHEAD – DEPRESSION SPEAKS***
(But, I stomp on it??)
There are so many things wrong with this world right now, maybe always has been, I am just feeling it more these days.
My defences are down, I suppose, with all I am fighting with my physical health, hubby’s mental health, and even my son’s mental health. It is all building inside of me, and with Autumn/winter so fast approaching (when my S.A.D is at its meanest), I am struggling.
Honestly, my health (and not having answers) is dragging me down so low … I am actually “giddy” at work (what I do when I hide inside myself).
THAT is where this post is coming from.
I am going to be completely honest and state that I DO know I have it very easy compared to so many out there. I even try to remember that when my legs are asleep, or having sharp pains that make my knees buckle, all because I’ve had to sit for hours several times in a day, just so my bowels can try to escape my body. I try to remember that when I get off work at 6:30 pm and it is already dark. I try to remember that when I see my husband struggling with his own demons and I can do nothing but stand by him and hope he knows how much my words of love are real, not just words, but yet knowing that it is nothing.
I try to remember that when I see hatred in the world, and see people suffering.
I haven’t had it as bad, I know that.
But for me, in my moment, in my world, in my head, heart, and soul? It is bad. Some days I do wonder what life would be like for others if I was dead, or missing, or injured. I wonder if anyone (besides my family) would actually even care. I wonder if anyone would even notice.
You know what? Most days, I can yell at that voice, and tell it to take a flying leap. Because it doesn’t matter, what matters is those who are close to me, it matters because I love me, and I’d miss so much.
But some days, days like today, when I haven’t had enough sleep, when my bowels/insides (whatever the fuck) is bugging me, when I see how much my husband is suffering and I can do nothing (I would take all the pain, I would take all the depression and anxiety and doubt if only to see him as he once was) …
I use to think all my depression was centred on money. We never had enough, we struggled constantly. And while we may not be “safe” we can buy bits here and there, and not pinch the pennies. Yet, I still can’t shake this sense of doom and gloom that is hanging over my head.
I want to cry, I want to scream, but then I realize there is just no point.
I want to give up.
I want to cry uncle, mercy, no more!
but I can’t. I won’t!
Mental health day has come and gone. Awareness for abused women, comes and goes. There is this cause and that cause. Almost all worthy, so many I understand. But who will help me? Who will stand up for me?
I see stories of women who have been abused or assaulted, shared and ut there. And I get it, sometimes you need to share to move forward. But for me? Why would I want to relive the fear? The smells (that still lingers in my mind). I can see, and feel and hear it all as if I was still living it. I was only 15 for fuck sake. I thought I was going to die. BUT, “it was just a touch”, I “wasn’t penetrated, so how could it be traumatic” …
I see stories about mental health, and how so and so helped them, and how they feel support and love in communities. But when co-workers tell you they don’t believe mental health is a real thing, just made up to sell drugs, how can you come out with a problem?
Right now, this very second? The ONLY thing keeping me somewhat grounded and gripping my last thread of sanity is music*, the knowledge that my family needs me WAY more than I need anything …
And this may seem like the most superficial thing ever, but I have shows I want to see, I NEED to see, that have gotten me through some of my roughest times.
Hell, Supernatural airs THIS Thursday.
Not only that, but suicide is not an option for me, not even at my lowest. I made a promise to myself so many moons ago, I made a promise to my family (even if they don’t know it), that I would NEVER leave this world knowingly, willingly, not while there was the possibility even ONE person might, just might be upset by my death.
I made a promise to myself that I would NEVER take that dark route, that easy route, not when it could leave any sort of damage to even one person.
I HAVE a family that loves me, that I love. I have parents, that even when they shun me (mm long story, adding to my weight right now) I KNOW they still love me. I know even have biological family that, while not close, know I exist.
What this world needs is the ability to have a safe place to go for a cry, or a hug, or to just sit and have someone rub their back, or feet, or just bring them a drink.
No talking, just the knowledge that this person(s) care about you as a human being, no sympathy, no pity. Just caring, and the knowledge that they will be there.
And maybe just maybe we need people who are willing to come to your house, NO questions, no money, just do the dishes, or laundry, or even just make you a cup of coffee, give you a smile, a hug, say “YOU are needed!” and leave (if that is what is needed).
WHY do we have children? Knowing that the world is so fucking hard?
All I know, is I had my son because I felt I had so much love I NEEDED to share it with a being that I knew I had a part in creating. If only I knew then what I know now ….
Ugh, WOULD I change anything? I have no clue. To not have this amazing fiercely loyal, linebacker, angry, silly, happy, creative, smart, child in my life? THAT would surely kill me.
Alright, no more of this melancholy crap.
I am strong.
I am fierce.
I can get out of the dirt, on my own.
I can ask for help.
I have love, I give love.
This. WILL. Pass.
Just remember, you ARE important, to someone, somewhere. Even if you haven’t met that person yet.
KEEP FIGHTING. We can fight together.
*Can we talk about Jensen Ackles voice for a second? SERIOUSLY? His singing (for me) is like a giant hug that keeps me standing. Just … what? Why?
I mean, he isn’t a “perfect” singer (whatever THAT is?), but man, I swear his singing has healing powers!!