I am not superstitious, but will occasional “knock on wood”, “cross fingers”, and even “throw salt”, depending on the situation and habit for that situation. Does not mean I believe those things work, it just means that in that moment, that particular thing is a comfort for me through years of habit. The same goes for praying. I do not believe in any god or goddess, or any higher being (well, possibly smarter beings than us, which is why they avoid us 😉 ). BUT, I do still occasional pray. I have just changed who, or what, I pray to depending on my problem or thing I am trying to work through, or wishing for.
For me, “praying” is a way to shut off my brain on nights I can’t sleep. You know those nights? When your brain is running over even agonizing detail of the day since you first gained consciousness from sleep. Plus a billion other “what if’s” and “But why” scenario your brain can throw at you. THOSE nights. Praying to the universe, TV character, or plant, mineral, animal, helps me keep my mind focused on one single thing/problem, so that I can shut off the rest of my brain and finally fall asleep. Usually it can take my sleep time from 3 hours down to 30 minutes.
What I am trying to say here, in my usual, over rambling way, is that the last few days have been okay. And while I do not actually think posting about the good will cause it to go away, there is that fear that nags at the back of my mind, especially when I have stared in to the dark of my depression, that causes me to “knock wood” or any of those other things to keep the jinx at bay.
Sure, I have still had some stomach/internal issues, and moments of unexplained anger and darkness that usually precedes depression, but I have also had more good moments, honest to goodness happy moments. I have felt more “together” at work (I am using so many quotes on words because I have no fucking CLUE the actual wording I want, but those words are the closest to what I mean, OR they are sayings etc so :p).
Hell, I have even been interacting more with customers. Mind, I do need to shut up about my aches, pains, and stuff near the end of my shifts. When a customer asks “how are you?” they usually do NOT want to know the REAL feelings. hehe
But, yeah. I mean, we have had dark, dreary, rainy weather for over a week. I could FEEL depression taking its strangle hold on me (as last posts probably showed). Hell, 3 days ago my brain was almost worse than when my thyroid was at its worst. I was lost, and so god damned stupid all day, close to tears, yet almost manic in my laughter … oh man, I hated it with a passion. When I feel that way, when I GET that way? I want to jump out of my body and just run for the hills. I want to hide, be away from any living thing and just rot somewhere alone. It is the worst feeling. To lose your control over your own mind, ability to think – gone. Just AHHHHHH *primal scream*
BUT, the next day, something changed, not sure what? But while I still felt (feel) exhausted and run down? I felt human, more me. Instead of being a ghost of myself, I WAS myself. Sure, I still have moments – when over tired, near end of shift, alone in the dark – when that feeling flashes up briefly, but it is short-lived.
I forgot how giddy I can be when I snap out of that place. And even though I still feel … down, and my health is in the crapper (though, small improvements, I think? maybe?) I feel human again. I didn’t realize how long I was in that dark place. Not this time. I knew I was close to it, or it was closing in on me? Either way, I didn’t realize I had been in such a dark, dark place. Not really. Not until I made that last post. Not until That day my brain left me.
THAT was the day I seriously, truly wondered just what life would be like if I was gone. At first it was just, running away. But when I stop to wonder if anyone would actually care if I was dead.
I think that was the moment I realized I either needed help, or I needed to kick myself in the ass. But, instead, I did as I usually do, and posted here. My dumping ground. I didn’t think it had worked, not at first. It wasn’t until I woke up the next morning and noticed the rain wasn’t falling as hard, the sky was just a bit brighter, and I didn’t feel as heavy (figuratively, and literally).
I don’t really think I have a point to this post? Hell, I have typed out 5 different thoughts after that sentence. None sound right. ALL sound corny. I just know, I am grateful for this blog. And frankly, I am very glad I snapped out of it. Not quite sure why, or how. Wish I knew.
Now, just for the future me, 5 things I am thankful for and need in my life;
1.) The obvious, of course – family (hubby and kid). We need each other.
2.) Oddly – Supernatural. More specifically, how Jensen and Jared (and all) talk about mental health, and refer to fans as family. I may not try to interact with them, or be “SPNFamily” they way they refer to it all. But I do find that comforting. *shrugs*
3.) Online friends. Yeah, okay. So I have never meant the few I would call friend(s). But man, the knowledge that at LEAST one (thinking of one in particular) would hunt me down, bring me back to life, and kick my sorry ass if I did anything so stupid as to kill myself? Yeah, that helps. Even those days where I think they’d never notice me gone? It helps to know they are there … doesn’t make sense, I know. But again … *shrugs*
4.) Biological family. Now, THIS one took ME by surprise. But, the other day, my (shit … is she a cousin? or half-sister?) messaged me to say that they were thinking of me, and that I was loved (not in those words, but, yeah) and MAN did that make me feel like someone! AND bio-Mom had messaged me. JUST to ask how I was. Hell, my own mom has more or less disowned me (for now), so … bah, another time.
5.) ME! Now this is not last, or least. But it also isn’t first. Not for me. … ? Huh. bah, I know what I mean. But I need to start reminding myself, every day, that I AM special, even if only to me. YES, I am weird, and socially inept and awkward. BUT that is who I am. I STILL ended up with an amazing husband, and a holy crap amazing kid …. So, yeah. I needed to love myself. Sort of like the whole thing on airplanes?? You know? “Put on your OWN air mask first, before helping others. Because if you can’t breathe, you can’t help.” Or something like that. (I have no clue of the wording)
So, I am going to learn some how, to love myself more. And try to tell myself one GOOD thing about myself each day. Corny, but its true. I think?
But it is all the more reason to keep fighting, keep moving, and push through it all!!
I may be crazy, but I am so god damned cute doing it. 😉 😀