I have been doing a lot of thinking lately. About various things, but for now I want to talk about family.

We hear all the time, shows, books, even media, family isn’t always blood. They are people who stick by you in both good times and bad times. They build you up, never tear you down. Sure, sometimes family hurts you, and usually deeper than anyone else ever could! But that’s because they mean more to us.

Thing is? For me? Family has always been … Odd. Not in a bad way really. But being adopted, and seeing how my mom and brother were so close, and of course loads of teen-aged angst! I always felt different, like I was never quite “normal” in our family, or in general.

As an adult, I had my own family. Husband, son. Without realizing what I was doing, I put them above my parents and brother, much in the same way I had felt my mom and brother had done with me.

A few years passed, I began to realize that, and tried to make an effort to be more inclusive of my parents and brother. The downside there being my brother and his illness. Which of course bonded mom and him even more. It pushed out both dad and I. Mind, that was partly dad’s own doing! (He and my brother always butt heads. Like warring elk over a potential mate!)

I truly love my mom, but as she ages, she has become … easily angered over perceived slights.

A few months in a row, my brothers illness became so bad that they need to borrow money from us. With me working, and my husband’s LTD not yet ended, we were able to help out. And we were always paid back at the end of the month. Last month I warned them both that starting this month (October) we would no longer be able to lend any money. Husband’s LTD was ending, and large bills were coming due (winter tires, husband’s glasses, etc). Not even $5 could be lent.

Problem is, my husband lent them $100, because my brother told him he had talked to me at work and I said it was okay.

Alright. Fine. No more! Just pay us back, we are broke.

Then Mom came and asked me 3 times (I think). Once for $160(not sure on this one? Might have been a dream?), second time for $100 (while I was at WORK, AND 2 bosses were there), 3rd time she came to the house and asked for $60.

Each time I said I couldn’t, we had no money even for groceries because we lent them $100 already!

She stormed off the last time, didn’t even come down for Thanksgiving, and I haven’t heard from her since.

It bothers me, a bit. But it is what she is like these days. *Shrugs* so, I am able to take it for what it is. Stress, life, and age. (Not getting into the back story, but she hasn’t had an easy adult life)

But even though I know not to take it personally, it still is one page in my novel of depression, and just makes it that much longer to the next chapter.

BUT, the thing is? I need to realize, I DO have other family. Biological family, online family, and my husband and son!

Hell, even if I don’t say one word to bio-mom and family for MONTHS, they will message me, just to let me know they care and to see how I am.

Latest was sister? or cousin? (I am still not positive on who is who, except bio-mom) who said a large portion got together for coffee and talked about me, excited, asking questions. All talking about love …

It really help add to my new “powered through it” feelings. Which I know I will stumble some, and fall back on old habits, but, that one single message somehow made me feel stronger.

Not to harp on my addiction, 😉 but Supernatural has really been such a huge part of my sticking around, finding the strength inside of me again, and just being able to push on.

But that one message held as much strength for me as the first 9 season binge watching did! Hell, combined with the 12th season premiere? This week has been very emotional for me. Odd wording when I read that back to myself.

I just mean that the message made me very emotional, (along with the past few months of knowing they were out there) and the premiere sort of mimicked that?

If that makes sense? Mind, that could just be what I see because I have ALWAYS related to the character of Dean, his feelings, reactions, and sometimes even actions.  So of course I’d see parallels between his reunion with his mother, and mine with my bio-mom/family.

As weird as all this makes me feel, fear, excitement, more fear, it is the strength I am feeling that strikes me the most! Which is where the fear comes in.

I am even debating about giving them my cell number ….! Ahhh fear!

Still apparently need a back bone. 😕

I WILL make my life good and happy. It is a fight and my god I have struggled the last few years, but my husband and son, the AKF/Always Keep Fighting campaign, Supernatural, and now bio-family will help that happen.

To bad only 2 of those may ever know what they mean to me. Hehe

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