We all have our breaking points. Some people never actually experience their breaking points, but they have them. Or maybe they do, they just know how to handle it?
Lately, I feel like I am so close to mine. I feel like I am just going to wake up one morning and not be able to move, think, or react to anything. I will just lay there crying, not knowing why, not knowing anything but how to cry.
More and more I hold my brother up to hero status. He has fought chronic pancreatitis for close to 20 years, yet he still thinks to the future. He still dreams.
I have only been fighting … what? I still don’t know what … for just a few years (only a year at “chronic” levels, and I don’t know how much more I can take.
Hell, I even went to the hospital the other night. Hoping for what I don’t know. Help? A secret test that will give me an answer? I don’t know. Just something.
It has gotten to the point where I have put on 10 pounds. Edema flaring up. My back pain (mild) is causing numbness in my legs, and I had two or three days of frozen legs, as if someone had placed them in straight ice for days then gave them back.
The hospital didn’t even look into my leg problem. Just did blood tests for liver and kidney issues. A urine test for … well, they never did tell me what. Everything came back “just fine”.
I have been so close to my breaking point. How I have kept from going over that edge is beyond me. … No, that’s not true. The fact I feel I need to be the rock for my family, my husband and son, it’s the only thing that keeps me from fully cracking.
And now, I have a song that a friend recorded that for whatever reason really helps. I can’t explain why, I don’t know. I just know that while I feel like crying listening to it, it also makes me feel like I can make it, even just one more day.
For fuck sake, I just want an answer. Something to fight against.
I feel worse now after being poked and prodded at the hospital.
While I LOVE my country, I LOVE that I can have free health care, I really hate that we have a doctor shortage, which means tests for now emergencies can take a year to get. Hell, one proctologist for 3 “major” towns and several “villages” is just out right stupid. IF the research I have done is right? only 12 for ALL of BC. What? Granted that number is probably way off. After all, there is no WAY the numbers are that low. Right?
I feel so damned low right now. I feel fat, ugly, sick, unhealthy, and just generally gross. I truly feel like a failure, I am always calling in sick, and I don’t even have a reason for it, other than “I am in pain, nauseous, and crapping lots”.
How much can someone take before they reach that breaking point?
Is it a relief to reach it? Does it all stop? Does the pain, confusion, and hurt go away?
Why won’t it stop?
Now if you excuse me, I am going to spend a few hours listening to my friend sing, on loop, until I feel human. I need more of her singing. I can hear her emotion and it just … *sigh* Calming.
I can make it. I will.
For now, I will fight the unknown, and bring it out of the shadows and make it RUN from ME!
I am strong. But I am fragile.