After having my ultrasound today, my outlook has changed, for the better I think? I know that my thoughts on what she did and my hopes it means that I may soon have answers is a definite influence on that mood change. I also worry that if I don’t get answers I may crash, and HARD, into the depression that has been following me around and hiding in the corners.

For now though, I will focus on the fact I do know of at least one problem that will be confirmed, which is a cysts (or some issue) with my ovary. No, that isn’t causing majority of my bowel issues, but it is adding to some of the discomfort and pressure in the pelvic area. So, fix that, and even if no other problem was found, at least that will help ease some of the pain.

I am trying to find any way I can of keeping this uplifted mood right where it is, yet trying to keep it from going too much higher in fear of the fall.

I’ll save THAT for when I find out the results. hehe

I will say though, it is somewhat difficult not to keep that hope in check. The more I replay the ultrasound, the more I catch things I had originally not noticed. Just the areas she’d go back to, the way she would move away, then back to certain spots. Even the way she would move from looking to measuring/clicking the image, and even how she’d breathe, all starting to be processed. MY brain is beginning to form a thought, hope, of what it might all mean.

The only thing right now though, that I am trying to keep my focus on, is the solid information, the actual words said. NOT the softening of her voice, not the inflections of the goodbye compared to the hello, not even the breathing. Just the actual words (the very few) spoken during the exam. Yep, trying to ignore how she’d forget to tell me to breathe when she was seeing something and trying to capture it, not even have a tiny thought about the continued lowering and softening of her voice as time went by.

No, I will concentrate on the fact that the SECOND she found my left ovary (which I have suspected might have a cyst (or more) again. I will focus on how she asked if THAT was the source of my pain. How she asked if I was sure when I said I hadn’t noticed it until now. I will remember how she asked if I’d had problems with it in the past, and gave a firm “UH HUH!” when I confirmed I had.

That is what I will think about. The concrete information. Not the maybes or the “that was odd behaviour”. Nope, no soaring hopes, just the possibility that at least one problem (that I had hardly even noticed) could be being fixed.

At least we are taking a step. Just wish I knew if it was sideways, backwards, or forward.

But now, at something past 4am, my bed is calling, and my ovary is angry, oh so angry, with the pressure it had. I need my heat-bag and sleep.


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