Frustration

Gah! I know you are all probably sick of my whining right about now, and frankly, I REALLY don’t blame you. Hell, I’M sick of me. I just need to vent, otherwise I might explode, and imagine the whining THEN? Nope.

So, the usual, health and stuff. Honestly, any depression I have right now? Would be cured for life at this point if I could JUST. GET. MY HEALTH. UNDER CONTROL. Fuck.

I have researched every combination of symptoms I have, have had, might have, imagine I have, and what others might have, JUST to try and figure out what the flying fuck monkey my problem is. I have now pushed past depressed and willing to give up and into seething, spitting, fiery anger. “I WILL BURN YOU WITH MY EYES YOU BASTARD”

Honestly though? From all I can piece together, from online (where else would I get my information? A doctor! HAHAHHA I’m not insane — *coughdebatablecough*), which really is my only option. I have added a HUGE shake of salt (isn’t that what you do to weed out the crap?) and have come to a possible conclusion …

I am already dead, but no one knows it yet. What? no, that can’t be right. Let me re-check my math. Oh, right sorry, I mean I HAVE CANCER AND WILL DIE IN One … nope, that’s not it. Sorry, seems I mixed up the bullshit pile with the actual information.

one second …

Ahh, here we go. I have it this time.

Okay, my conclusion is; A toss-up between 3 things, it could be my thyroid so out of whack that it has sabotaged my entire body (apparently possible, BUT, usually it shows as a goiter, which I do not have), or, I have some sort of blockage somewhere from my esophagus to my colon (lots of real estate there). OR, third, possible issue, my lymph-node system has been compromised/shutdown/infected by some horrible alien/CANCER* (But, probably not. Online everything is cancer, I rule it out based on that alone!), which has a similar result as the thyroid thing.

Of course, there is a fourth option, which is all of the above working to slowly turn me into some fucked up laziest zombie in the world. *shrugs* Whatever it is, I just want a solution.

I have just had it. You know? Today, AGAIN, I had to call in sick because I ended up on the floor in such pain from my stomach, I STILL feel like I have had a Winchester brother beat the crap out of me then beheaded me (okay, so, if you find a random head rolling around? It’s mine, I’d like it back please! I can’t even think with it missing).

STILL no word on the colonoscopy, and I don’t find out the results of my thyroid/lymph-node ultrasound until next week. Which isn’t getting me any closer to an answer, or a solution.

I HATE being sick. I HATE calling into work sick.

Look, no one really wants to HAVE to work, Yes, I’d love to lay on some beach or trip around the world with millions of dollars, BUT, if I have to work? I LIKE my job. I like most of the people at work. I feel like I am letting everyone down, especially after the boss who hired me took a chance on me.

Someone fix me dammit!!

Now, I am off to try not throwing up, and maybe sleep some more. Can’t shake the exhaustion, even when I do get a solid 8 or 9 hour sleep.

GAH!!!

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