I have always loved the thought of surprises, but in reality never handled them well. Same goes with meeting people, talking on the phone, or any personal interactions with people. Which, when you think about it, makes it very strange I have always chosen public oriented jobs.
A big part of those fears wrapped in hope, is my inability to think on my feet. And a bunch of other stuff. I don’t feel open in person, I can’t protect my thoughts or feels the way I can in type. In type I can change and delete, add and polish, all before any one can read them. I can show the best of me, even the worst of me, but ultimately, I like to think in type, it is more of the true me.
Tonight however, I had my whole world turned upside down. I am still not really sure it all happened, except I feel like throwing up and crying all at once.
None of that is to say my surprise was a bad thing. Hell, it is far from a bad thing! It was awesome, and terrifying, and exhilarating, and heart stopping.
All, because of one phone call from Charlotte (Cat). I truly had NO CLUE it was going to happen. Probably for the best, because a good chance I would never have answered the phone (hence the surprise. 😉 )
The thing is? If you had asked me what a phone call from someone I have known (and love) for almost 20 years (what? No … yeah?!) would do to me? How it would make me feel? I doubt I could EVER come up with my answer, or what is really going on in my head right now.
I want to share, not for any particular reason, other than posting helps get me OUT of my head. Helps me analyze, digest, and absorb things going on to/at me.
I can only speculate as to her reasons, based on our talk. That is not for me to comment on, even if I was told out right, I think I would keep it to myself. Sort of a “for me alone” type thing, for now.
What I can share is how it affected me, IS affecting me.
Look, I don’t know what it is about Cat, But I have always admired her, almost looked up to her? Not like an idol, or anything so …. (this is where I lack words for my thoughts) …
Look, I admire her ability to keep moving forward, to face her fears and push through them, to both speak her mind and be soft, to seemingly kick ass and be this thing with sharp teeth, and at the same time pull you in and make you feel like you matter.
She has always been able to make me feel like I am special just by liking a post, or saying hi. Just by knowing her.
So to get this call … It has torn me in to a whole new mind place where even with time I could not polish or grab a single thought a put it in any understandable way for most. I am shaking, visibly shaking, I feel on the verge of tears. But all in a good way. She had this ability to calm me (sort of? best I can be when in shock), I actually made coherent sentences (I think), and felt cared for, special.
The thing is? I thought I was moving away from my depression a HELL of a lot more. This phone call really made me realize just how much I NEEDED that extra “Hey, you DO matter” kind of reach out.
And as corny, and stupid it may seem? It probably did a whole lot more for me than she could ever have dreamed. It really helped lift me up and ….
Okay I am going to stop now, because honestly, I am rambling so bad and shaking so bad, spell check isn’t catching most of my mistakes.
I am just grateful I have such a friend in my life. *BLUSH*