Just a post about nothing

Thought since 6 more days have passed since my last health post, might as well bore you all a bit more. You know, in case you need help sleeping or have some people you want to torture. Dealers choice.

Not a major shift in my health. Not really. For the most part I am just back to my “same old, same old” before the attack that sent me to the hospital. Thing is, Since the attack, same old just doesn’t cut it any more. Not really. It has made me realize just how hard I was hanging on by my teeth. Not really making it, just pushing through so hard and fast, trying for the other side of my problem(s), that I didn’t realize how bad I really was.

That’s not necessarily a bad thing. I think? It just means I am more aware now. I am more aware of changes from “normal”. I am aware of the similarities between my “attack” (I really have no clue what to call it. Open to ideas) and usual.

Before, the pains, the cramps, every little ache in my body and even my mind, I would just push it off to being my normal. Hell, I hadn’t had a “real” (read: outside the home) job in over 6 years, I am overweight, have a fucked up thyroid, and just in general am a lazy SOB. So, I assumed that a large part of my problem was just that, work, and moving. I figured as I got more in shape (other than round, which is indeed a shape), things would get easier.

Since that night at the hospital, I am noticing things. (different way of saying aware, so yeah, back to that) I had known I was always in pain. That’s just me. I just didn’t realize how much was connected to whatever is wrong with me.

Doubt I will ever truly find THE one thing that set it all in motion. But it’d be nice to at least know what each problem is. Work on them all, maybe something will align it all?

I am working on my eating habits (it will be a lifelong thing for me), and for well over 15 years I have done well. Not ideal, but make sure I don’t have too much crap. The exercise one is harder. It’s not something I have ever enjoyed. Loved playing as a kid, but then school happened, and gym, and the being made fun of etc. After that? Didn’t even like playing with others. Kids are ass-holes! Seriously. Mind, didn’t help I developed (physically) YEARS before anyone else.

Loosing steam. I do that just blinking these days. So I’ll wrap it up with this, I am not better, but I am not worse. Whatever I have, the basics stay the same. Pain and cramps with bowel problems. How that plays out for me day-to-day, changes. Intensity and the degree I am suffering, changes. I have some new issues, some old. Some have faded, some are worse.

I’m better, in so many ways (pain), but mostly everything else is changing so often, I can’t tell if it is worse or better. So for now, I will base it on the pain, and say, “I have improvement”.

Now if I could just have one day where I can get, and FEEL like I get, enough sleep for more than 20 minutes of energy? Think that will be my next goal.

In summary, would I change how I am handling this? You know, not really. That would mean I have information that I do not yet have. And that hurts my head. I just have to keep doing what I think is right. And for me, that means hounding the doctors, playing the waiting game, and barrel through hoping for the other side.

It’s my fight, I have to use the tools I know. That’s what I know. But I am open to finding new ways. It just has to be something I can handle.

So exhausted. Some days I truly wish that others could fight for me, not just with me. But I know I will make it. I have people who support me, love me, and lift me up when I need it most. Lately, for whatever reason, I am feeling that more than ever. THAT is my reason for fighting even harder than ever for my answers.




*** Someone needs to take my music away! Listening while posting makes for a very melancholy/down sounding post. Not really. Just exhausted. But fighting.


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