Time keeps marching on

These past few weeks have been a huge mixed bag of a lot of things for me. Emotionally, physically, and even just the space I am in.

Emotionally, I have been up, down, and sideways. Worrying about work, my health, when I’d get an appointment, and now that I have a date for it, what the results might be. And of course, the biggest trigger in all of the 3 above, money.

I may suffer depression, and sometimes it gets dark, but I have always been (in my oh so humble opinion) fairly laid back in the anxiety department. Majority of times I don’t feel anxious until whatever deserves or could have anxiety has past. I just approach the problem head on, or if it’s something I don’t think I am ready to deal with, I back-burner it until I can deal with it.

But lately, I have actually felt anxiety. Now, don’t read into that, I know at least two people (hubby being one) who has ACTUAL anxiety disorder/problems, and I do not mean on that level. I just mean actual “man, I’m worried about this” sort of, everyday, most people get, kind of anxiety. Which is a new feeling for me. I have gotten small panic attacks with my breathing when I feel like there isn’t enough air in all the world to help me, so I can empathize and recognize true anxiety in a major sense (but even in that situation I was always able to calm myself, with little effort). So I know this isn’t a big thing in that way.

That said, for me? When I find it very easy to push down and past any anxiety or worrying situation/feeling? I find this sort of unnerving. I don’t like worrying. Hmm mind you, it could just be a bit of nerves rather than anxiety? After all, my breathing hasn’t been great as of late, and they do knock you out for the scopes (yes, plural. I am having both a colonoscopy and an endoscope, more on that in a bit), and during my hysterectomy I ended up waking up before my tubes were removed in an actual full-blown panic attack because I couldn’t breath or swallow (can’t remember if it was an airway or a lung that collapsed?).

Now, for the scopes I don’t need tubes, but they will be putting something down my throat, and that is one thing I can’t handle the feeling of. When my allergies are bad, or my asthma flares up, the one thing that can trigger an anxious response in me is that feeling of something caught in my throat! (Yes, men. If you are reading this you can say, and mean, “Oh, her poor husband”. Because no. I don’t do “that” either. Not my thing.) Of course, this has led me to perfect the ability to suppress my gag reflex, because even though that sensation in my throat will make me gag, throwing up worsens it, so I can suppress that urge 95% of the time.

That is the main emotion I have been feeling, but there are other ones, guilt being second, very close to the anxiety. Guilt for missing work, not making money, being JUST unhealthy enough even on a good day to not do a lot around the house … Just lots of guilt.

But honestly, The biggest – I guess, fear? – is that the tests will show nothing. NOT too say I WANT cancer over nothing, but, at least then there is a reason I can grasp. I know, doesn’t make sense. But inside my scrambled brain it does.

See, it’s not that I am worried it is all in my head, because if it is, I’ll deal with that, somehow? It’s just that, if the tests show nothing, then how do I fix it?

If it’s Crohn’s, well, that is the hardest to fix. Means trying very hard to find medicines and pain kills I can take daily and still work while on them, plus figuring out some sort of food diet that works? (And after trying so many? I don’t hold much hope for that). Colitis is the next hardest. But only because of the life long thing. Just means when I get a flare we treat it with certain meds, I take up to a month off work, then all should be good. And, in some cases surgery and a colostomy bag (possible for life, depending on location of surgery, and how the healing goes).

Now, second best choice is a tie, there is no “best choice” in this case, because there are too many variables. Cancer COULD be best case, but only if it has been caught soon enough, and depending on the location. But, for this post, I am tying cancer and a blockage for second. BOTH could be best, or could be second. Both depend on the location they are in, the severity, and how quickly it’s been caught.

Depending on which doctor you talk to (of the three that have seen me at my worst), it could be “all in my head”, could be Crohn’s, or it could be Colitis. The 2 I trust the most both agree that it more than likely is NOT cancer, but it needs to be mentioned as a VERY slim chance. Neither seem to think blockage? My family doctor seems to be leaning towards Colitis, and the hospital doctor (who is the ONLY one who has seen me at my VERY worst), seems to think Crohn’s … but, maybe – doubtfully cancer.

At this point? I have no CLUE what I am rooting for. I mean really, I don’t want ANYTHING, but I do NEED it to be something, so I can feel like I can fix it.

Anyway … in 10 days, at this time, I will be done and home sleeping (maybe). In 9 days at this time, I will be WIDE awake knowing I am thirsty but can’t drink even water. in 7 (6?) days, I start the “cleanse” *shudder*, and, in 6 (5?) days I start the “nothing but liquids”.

Getting closer guys. I am both excited for answers, and scared, well, not shitless 😉 , that nothing will show up.

I honestly am having difficulty waiting now.

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