I’m not one to usually feel anxious, or even let myself feel/acknowledge it. That’s not to say I don’t feel it, I just handle it differently than most people I know. I could deep dive into the whys until the cows came home, but really, that’s too much back story for this lady, and frankly? That much history is just too boring, even for me.
All that to state, I find myself unable to push past my feels right now. I still am feeling less anxiety than the average duck, or at least all the ones I know? Which, considering everyone I know has high anxiety, might not be a good comparison? It’s not like it is keeping me awake at night. At least, not the anxiety. It’s just thoughts that randomly pop in my head during the day.
You see, I want to go back to work, NEED to go back to work. But as I sit here, I am yet AGAIN, fighting an asthma attack, my neck/took lymph-node is pulsing, and my bowels have decided to go from “Hey, I need to go NOW!! RUN!!” to “Naww, I don’t want to go. Again. EVER!!! MWAHAHA NO!”
My health is a mess. If it’s not one thing it is another. I think about how I would feel on my feet for 8 hours, and I cringe. It worries me. I worry about how work is going to be if have another attack and have to have a week or more off. I also worry folks will treat me differently. From what I am told, there are SO many new people, and many changes to staff. If I KNEW there be friendly faces when I got back? Maybe I’d be less worried?
Hell, taking 3 hours to do dishes (because we are slobs who can’t do them nightly and let them pile up for a week or more – rinsed, we aren’t disgusting) causes problems. When my asthma is as it is now, it means I feel faint and out of it, for my bowels, it causes cramps and many times makes me feel like I might have to sit.
THAT is the other thing. What if I have to go at work? What if my bowels choose to flare while I am working? I can’t just run to the bathroom. We are too busy for that. And if I could just go, I am usually on the toilet up to and over and hour each time. Plus, it can be loud, and if it is flare up, it is usually VERY smelly. I do NOT want that at work.
Thing is, I am usually able to talk myself through this sort of thing. And I am, it’s just not helping. I mean, usually I can push all worries out the window until I see doc (Thursday) for the results, and THEN go from there. After all, who knows what he will say. Might have an answer, which means we (me) can set up a plan for if I have a flare. And he might have some other way to control my asthma (no CLUE why it is so damned bad this year?).
Then there is the sleep thing. I am still only sleeping about 4 hours a night max, and that is mostly when the hubby wakes up and I go to bed. Without his CPAP machine* his snoring is horrific, he keeps waking up every hour or so, kicks, jumps, and otherwise disturbs MY sleep. Though, that is not the full reason I don’t sleep well. My asthma, bowels, and hemorrhoids are the biggest reason.
I am just so sick of being unhealthy. WHY can’t I just be healthy?
So, yeah. A bit of anxiety.
- His insurance ended, and no money for it. They wanted close to $3000. His insurance when we had it, was going to cover a little over half. But that meant still trying to find over a thousand. We just don’t have that. BUT, I found a site on-line that sells them for $950 CAD. So I will call my insurance (if I still have it – it cuts off when you don’t work x number of hours in a time frame. DUMB), see if they cover it since I can’t find that online. Either way, I’ll talk to dad and ask him if I can borrow the money, and figure out how I can pay him back. WHICH, takes me back to …. I NEED TO WORK!