Rough night

Well, technically it is day now, but still. The title fits.

Hubby had been on a CPAP machine for almost 4 months, maybe longer? It was a trial thing. It worked. Problem is, his insurance (which we still had at the time) only covered 80%, well, 80% of $2400, was still more than we could afford, so we had to give it back.

It has now been 2 months of him not having it. He has gone from a solid 5 – 6 hours of sleep (and slowly getting more) to 2 – 4 hours of broken sleep. It is affecting his health, his mood, and all he wants to do is sleep because he is exhausted all the time.

The other problem, while I love my husband, and sympathize, and wish I could make it better, I also fantasize about putting a pillow over his face and just holding it there until it stops! Now, not every night, just some nights are worse than others. And nights like tonight’s was, I also fantasize about using a cast iron frying pan instead of the pillow.

You see, I ended up going to bed at 4:30, but because I am having major lower back and leg pain, I had trouble falling asleep until 6 or 6:30. So to be woken up by what you think is a landslide? Can be very annoying. I almost broke into tears a few times.

It is also very frustrating because no matter what doc says? In 2 weeks (with or with OUT his permission) I am going back to work. Which means, I need my solid 8 or 9 hours of sleep. Yes, I am one of those people who needs proper sleep. I can’t sleep on the couch, not with my allergies, and the fact I am in pain (I even broke down and took a percocet. Which I am trying to stop using, and isn’t working any way).

Right now, I am inches away from a break down due to lack of sleep and pain. I HAD all things under control and shoved so far down it would never see the light of day, but right this minute? It’s either I steal the money for the machine (which I found online for under $1000! Maybe a bit over with shipping?), kill the husband, or find a new place to live. I just. CAN’T TAKE IT.

What? Oh. Umm that guy in the back asked why my husband isn’t sleeping on the couch. Good question sir. Many reasons, one, I am a VERY nice wife and insisted he take the bed. Two, he is a very large man and doesn’t really fit on the couch. Three, his hip is out-of-place to the point of having troubles walking, so the couch would not be helpful. And four, I have no fucking clue. Because I told him to, and he wanted to, so he is in the bed.

The thing about the CPAP machine, while he was on it, he did not see a lot of improvement. But we did! Even though he was only up to 5 or 6 hours a night (average was 4.7 I think the report said?), it was a SOLID  sleep, restful sleep. His depression was slowly becoming less of a fuck nugget, his anxiety was slightly easier for him to control, he wasn’t so …. bitchy towards weird things (like our son … wait, that sounds wrong! Not how I meant it). Kiddo and I could SEE he was improving.

Within 3 days of that machine being gone. *sigh* The back slide in all those things, including over all health (and size), was so visible, and almost a solid thing. You could FEEL the depression grabbing tighter, the tension, the anger, the exhaustion. ALL of it was almost a visible force. IS.

Of course, my getting sick and being home at the same time it went back does NOT help. He worries about me, but has no energy for … anything. He can’t put any one first, he can’t hardly function. Which of course is affecting me.

Even if my insurance will cover it (can’t find information on that ANYWHERE on their site), I have been off work long enough now that any second I could lose my coverage* before we even receive it.Hell, before we can even order it. I want to ask my dad if we can borrow the money, but of course hubby keeps shooting me down. I am pretty sure, even with the extra time off work, I can scrape up at least $400 of it, maybe even $500 if I do some creative juggling with the budget (loose usage of the word budget. More of a broken plan).

No matter what we do though, I just don’t see how we can get this thing in the next 10 minutes so I don’t kill him! Even out here in the living room, I can here when he gasps for air, the sound is what I assume an erupting volcano must sound like, or a mudslide if you are in it?

When I have slept, and am not in pain, I can handle it, I can even feel sympathy, but as I am now? I just have murder on my mind. And of course it is doing NOTHING to help my depression, anxiety (a new thing for me), or even my health. *SIGH*

Now, if you will excuse me, I think I will make some coffee, super hot. Maybe I will even drink a cup first…..




*See, this job? To keep the extended benefits, you have to average 24 hours a week, over the period of 18 weeks. Hell, even hubby’s crappy old job (non-union) had better than that. Hell they covered him for as long as he was on LTD/sick leave. Which was close to 4 years.

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