Honestly, life moves at one speed, but our perception of time seems to be fluid. Some days it feels like an hour can take forever, while other times it feels like 10 years has passed in the blink of an eye.
The past two months have been that way for me. Being home sick. It has been both, seemingly forever, years. Yet, moving so fast that I am missing things. Nothing is getting done.
Today I had every intention of forcing my doctor to write my return to work letter. I didn’t care if I had to break out tears, cursing, or even violence, Which I would not have actually done. Just bravado in my head. Large talk, no action. But, I was willing to beg, I was sure I could talk him into it. Even after how crappy the last two days have been for me. Even though I still feel dizzy. I was sure I could talk him into treating me, and giving me two weeks for the treatment, and letting me go back, even just a few days a week, 4 hour shifts.
Holy fuck was I so sure.
I was wrong.
Honestly though, I didn’t beg, I didn’t whine. I just stated I really am getting antsy, and the money would be nice. But he didn’t budge. I am not sure if I froze or if it was relief, or what. I just know that when he first said “Look, I don’t think you are ready to go back. And I am sure you know that too. I won’t consent to that.” I was stopped in my tracks. The tone he used, so quiet, almost disappointed Dad quiet, not mean, not harsh, just patient, wise, and final.
It stopped all words dead on my tongue, in my brain. All I could do was stammer, “but, but … I understand. It’s just …. well. I need to go back. I am just so restless, and work….” I trailed off and mumbled “but, money …”
He gave a sort of sad frown and said he understood, but I am not sure he fully gets how it is to rely on work for money. Or how little EI gives, or how short of a time they give it.
I am not sure how he did it, I don’t remember him saying anything else, but I spilled the beans about how dizzy I get, how even just doing dishes at home I need a break every half hour or hour. I sang like a bird on the first beautiful day in spring. He just gave a weak smile, and without actually uttering the words, said the loudest I told you I have ever heard. Pretty sure the actual words were something like, “Well, I believe you can agree, that isn’t the best health for working, now is it?” I might have a word here and there wrong, but very close to that.
The hardest part about the whole thing? I think what would have made not going back to work easier? If he had just given me some kind of treatment! Even a placebo at this point would have been better than nothing!
Now, don’t go cursing him out. I understand why. It just doesn’t stop my frustration! You see, SIBO, Candida, and a few other “unconventional medical problems” are relatively new in medical fields. As doc said, most doctors still won’t even acknowledge that they MIGHT be something, let alone treat it.
I told him what my research said, and he was VERY polite and did not say that he would not take advice from a patient loaded with Google answers. But he did say that he wasn’t comfortable issuing any treatment without having the knowledge of the issue. He just is not comfortable prescribing antibiotics or any medication without knowing more.
Damn smart people and their ethics! 😉
So, he pointed me in the direction of a Naturopath in town that he knew has dealt with SIBO and many other problems for a few years now, and has had great success. And I appreciate that, I do. But extended health coverage (and even provincial coverage) does not actually recognize Naturopaths as real anything, and do not cover the “hippie dippie” stuff. UGH!
So, I phoned the place, asked the costs, and cringed. My extended health will cover $20 each visit, but initial visit is $160, and that is not including any teats they order (which will be extra), or any drugs or “supplements” they prescribe. Each follow-up is $40 for a 15 minute visit or $85 for a 45 minute.
The lady I spoke to was awesome, and said she’d find out if I must have the tests, since my doc pretty much said this is what it is. She did let slip something about a diet, so I pressed her on that, asked if that was the only treatment option, and she mentioned supplements. So needless to say, I am a bit wary now. After all, I have been researching everything I can for almost two weeks, and almost EVERY site I saw (including Canadian “clinics” with actual supposed doctors – I take online statements with a grain of salt) say to use the FODMAP diet. WHICH, I have already done, and it actually made me worse! PLUS, all these sites talk about antibiotics. NOT that any of them had the same time-frame for how long to take them, they did all agree on which ones.
Just makes me nervous. I don’t want to spend $160 (and probably more for the tests that I am sure they will insist on) just to be told to try this diet and some vitamins or something (Supplements make me think vitamin). BUT, at the same time, I have to go don’t I? I mean if I don’t at least look at every possible thing, I might miss out on something that could potential fix me.
The length of time this is taking is really leading to a lot of frustration for me, which is spiralling into depression. Also for my husband.
You see, he is only getting about 2 hours of sleep at a time because his sleep apnea is so damned bad, so he is exhausted to begin with. And he is already depression and fighting anxiety. Then add to that his worry about me and my health … Guys, he is BAD!
So, of course I worry about him, and feel guilty because I am sick and at home (yep, no logically reason for that, I know. But it’s there). AND I feel guilty if I start to feel anger or frustration at his lack of doing anything. It is one HELL of a bad spiral up in this house y’all! Even my son is feeling it, and the pressure to find a job or go back to school.
I know they say money will not, can not buy happiness. But it sure as hell would solve a CRAP ton of our problems and make life easier, and lift some of the worry. Which means, I need to win the lottery ASAP! hehe Guess that means finding money to buy some tickets?
So many things put on hold until we can get everything worked out. Just need that first brink to be place, then it will all just fall in line so fast. Just one brick, a treatment plan. Once I have that? Things will move fast.
Problem is, the last few days, time has sped up so fast for me. I feel like I can’t hang on much longer. For me, a treatment plan is what will put the brakes on. Help slow this ride down.
The weird part is? I also feel like I am frozen in place. I can’t move forward, I have no life right now. Again, if I could just get a treatment plan, things could get moving.
It’s a bit like Schrödinger’s cat. I am both, moving too fast, but not moving at all. The treatment plan is the answer. I am sure of it.
Besides a treatment plan, I know I need something. I just don’t know what.
I need … I need
I need to move, but I need the ride to stop. I pride myself on being able to fight my way through my depression. TOOTH AND NAIL, sometimes. It leaves me bloody and beaten, but I make it. EVERY. TIME. I dust myself off, I push through.
But this time. It feels different. I feel broken. Not just battered. Broken.
I know I can’t give up. I know I WON’T give up.
But I wan to. I want to just let go and see where I fall. I don’t care if this train is over water or fire, rocks or clouds. I just want to let go.
I can’t deal with the guilt, the pain, the worry on my husbands face. I can’t hold us both up right now. I can barely hold myself up.
I can’t stand the pity and worry on my sons face. It’s breaking my heart. I can’t reassure him and give myself pep talks, not at the same time.
But the guilt of taking care of only me. It feels so wrong. It feels cruel. It feels selfish.
I just want to let go. I want to move again. I want to breathe.
I am suffocating, and I don’t know how to stop it.
Hold my hand. Someone. Grab my hand.
I. I can’t. I want to let go.