Sleep

These days I find it very difficult to find sleep. And when I do, it is never long enough. I usually get between 3 and 4 hours at a time, many days I go with out a nap. My usually bed time is around 4 am, falling asleep around 5 am. I then wake around 9. Every 3 or 4 days I will get about 6 hours.

Many days I feel like I am slowly going crazy. I try not to complain to the hubby, because he isn’t that much better. Sure, he is in bed for about 5 hours at a time, 4 or 5 times a day, but he is woken several times in that 5 hour stretch because he stops breathing.

Once in a while, I get a jealous tickle in the back of my head. “Why can HE be in bed so much? must be nice!” BUT, as soon as the thought enters my head, I remember that he only gets maybe an hour deep sleep if that before he is startled awake because he stops breathing. And I am no longer jealous.

Then there are days like today. When he’s had a 4 hour stretch and I haven’t even slept yet. A day, where when I JUST FINALLY find a comfy spot, he comes back to bed. He falls asleep the SECOND he closes his eyes, and his snoring rattles windows. No, days like this, I do not get jealous. I get angry. Not AT him. No, I get mad at the fact he had a CPAP and was getting a SOLID 5 hours of sleep in the few weeks before we had to give it back. I get mad because he was able to sleep, and I got use to the quiet. The no snoring, no breathing on me, no open mouth breathing in my face. Just quiet, normal breathing with the occasional cute sigh.

I get mad, because he had the CPAP I have forgotten how to sleep with the noise, even using ear plugs. I have forgotten how to sleep with the breathing, and the grunting, and the sudden body shakes.

And I get mad, because I am mad.

Guilt.

I also get mad at myself, Mad that it took me too long to ask my extended health if the CPAP was covered. Too long to send in the forms. I might not be covered now, and he could have had it.

I can’t sleep without a window open and a breeze across my face (I feel like I am suffocating without it), so sleeping on the couch is out of the question.

When he goes back to bed like this, he is usually in there 5 or 6 hours. Which means I will have to wait that long to get any sleep. I didn’t nap yesterday. But then again, I didn’t get to sleep until 8 or 9 am … and slept until 2 (with a sleeping pill). so it won’t be quite 24 hours of being awake, but close enough that thinking about it brings me to tears.

I am hoping that I can get tired enough that I can sleep through the snoring, jumping, kicking, and breathing. Right now I am past tired, where even my own breathing was starting to piss me right the fuck off. I need to push past that, and get back to almost awake, before I can try again.

I love my husband, but I want to smother him. With a pillow. And maybe a frying pan. And … I do love him. Honest.

I just need sleep.

I am at that point where every. Tiny. Little. sound, movement, EVERYTHING, makes me twitch, almost jump. I’m shaky, but wide awake, yet beyond exhausted, near death I am so tired.

I. Just. NEED. SLEEP.

Lots of coffee for me …

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