So many people seem to have a rough time right now. A few folks at work have lost family members, a few (like myself) have illnesses that are getting the better of them. Just rough.
The last week has seen a ramping up of my symptoms. Still nothing like what put me in the hospital in Feb, but still really intense. My standard “all the time” pain that is usually sitting at 2, has jumped to a 4, constantly. My spikes of pain have gone from every few days, pain level 5-6, up to 2 – 5 times a day, pain level 6-7. No CLUE what has started that. My sleep is even more fucked than usual, and being so lightheaded, the dizziness, and general malaise has become an all day, every day thing. Just a week ago, I could say it was every day, but more just background issue, with little effect on me physically or mentally. Not now. Now it is adding to the nausea.
Hell, even my allergies are ramping up. I feel like a broken china tea-cup, and the world has run out of crazy glue, so no one can put me back together.
Today, I went with the hubby to do a VERY quick grocery buy. The second I got out of the car I felt like curling up in a ball and never moving again. I felt like I was still in a car that was going 100 km/h, and I was trying to look at the side of the road! It was horrific.
By the time we got home, I was getting random needle like pains near my pelvic bone/ovary on my left side, was so bloated I looked both pregnant and like someone put an inner tube around my waist. It only took us a few minutes to put the small (but expensive – for us) amount away, but by the time I sat down I began to cry. Still feel close to tears. Not from the pain. Not really. More from the emotional toll.
It has been building for a week, then only 5 hours of sleep last night (not all at once 2 then 3 … or 3 then 2? AND not good sleep, I get so stuffed up I can’t breathe). Top that off with my brother having the worst attack of his life right now, so he came over 2 (or 3?) times from 1 am until 6 am, to use our shower (hot water helps his back/stomach – he has chronic pancreatitis). So I didn’t even get to sleep until 9 or 10 am.
Just a rough night for all.
Then I find out tonight he is now in the hospital. They had debated about sending him to Kelowna (maybe even Vancouver). He is BAD. From descriptions, sounds like not only has his pancreas failed, but maybe even his kidneys?
So of course on top of my health, I began to feel guilty about going to sleep so he couldn’t come back for another shower, and felt guilty for resenting him coming over so I couldn’t sleep, and guilty for complaining about my own health, or even caring about my health, or even feeling pain. Guilty because I want someone to give ME sympathy, to baby ME. Because I don’t want any responsibility right now, because, because I can’t HANDLE it right now. Because look what he is going through! How the fuck do I have any right to even think I am sick? How the fuck do I have a right to be on EI at home, and not working? Compared to my brother I am the fittest athlete in the world.
Then I got dizzy, nauseated, and a sharp pain. I could hear my husband trying to get things done, knowing his back was bugging him.
I lost it. Not for long*, but long enough it freaked out hubby, and made him worry. Which, of course added to the guilt. Honestly, in that moment … not sure I had ever thought about death as seriously as I did at that moment. Not sure I have been much lower than that. I really wanted to give in to the darkness. Just let go….
Still not completely convinced I am needed
I am still not so sure I belong
Still not so sure it isn’t the right path. I mean, it IS the wrong path, but, it feels right, sort of? To be honest? I have ALWAYS, even at my lowest, felt I was strong enough to know that I would NEVER, not EVER, kill myself. I half-ass tried once in junior high. After that, I knew I
would could never. I couldn’t ever do that to people around me.
Now I know, I am not as strong as I thought I was. I will have to be extra careful. Be more vigilant than ever. But, holy FUCK. It scared me. Just how right it seemed. How peaceful. No pain. No debt. No worries. No one having to worry about me, especially when others need help more than me.
Nothing feels right, or tastes right. Smells are off, sounds are muffled. And I don’t know what is wrong with me. I knew, no, I THOUGHT I was close to the hole. To find out I am deep in the middle of it, stuck in the mud? It’s too much.
Before you going getting all freaked out, calling professionals, or trying to contact me. Know this. I WILL not kill myself. Yes, I might have moments like I described above, like right now. But just know, I care more about my husband, my son, hell, even more about my pets, than I do about stopping the pain, the fucking pain. More about all that than getting out of my problems. I will keep my problems, if it means that I do not add to theirs.
It would destroy my husband, and probably my kid, if I died. And if it was suicide? No. I will NOT do that to them. Not ever.
I just wish that I didn’t have to fight this any more. I wish someone else could do it for me. Just for a little while.
I won’t. I won’t give up. I can’t.
But, holy fuck. I want to. I need to.
No rest for the wicked.
Time will march on, with, or without me, so I might as well stick around. I guess.
If I could just sleep. Which would mean going to bed. But just THINKING about going to bed makes me cringe. I avoid bed. Not 100% sure why. Could be the husband (STILL nothing about the CPAP), could be the fact when I lay down I can’t breathe. Or maybe, just maybe, it is the dreams. I don’t remember them. But I know they are there. Not every night. Just hate waking up feeling worse than when I went to bed.
Of course, less sleep makes it worse. Damned circles never have an end, do they?
*Because I hate uncontrolled tears, or any tears. To me it is a weakness, to me it is a gross feeling. I hate when I cry. I do NOT cry. I do it way too much these days. Yet, it doesn’t bother me when others cry. Men, women, kids, If you need to, do it. It can be good for you. Just don’t expect me to, or at least be okay with it, if I cry.