New day, new light.

I debated about just updating my LDN post, as part of this is about that, but realized this is more about general health, mental health, and life than the LDN. So, it gets its own post.

The last 2 weeks have been horrific all the way around. I have been in a flare-up of whatever the fuck I have, and it has led to guilt, shame, frustration, and general all out fury at my lot in life as it stands this past 2 weeks. Then my brother damned near lost his life to HIS illness, which, of course added more to my guilt (since I whine about my problems, but his are WAY the hell worse!), and I got stressed about worrying if he’d be okay.

Yeah, let’s just say I am pretty sure I was in the deepest depression I’d had in a while. The hopelessness, piled on with guilt, worry, frustration. While logically I know I would never actually commit suicide, I admit, for a few days it sure was my siren call. Thankfully I saw its true face before the promised warmth and peace actually got its hooks into me.

Today, I have had much more ups than downs, and I am focusing on the fact my brother is looking good, doctors FINALLY are not treating him like shit, but with respect he deserves (small town, and 20 years ago they mis-diagnosed him and it was put in his record, so no other doctors believed he had pain. I guess nearly losing a patient turns your views around to what they are really going through), and while I still am low, I can see the goodness around me. I saw the beautiful day we had today, I can feel the love my family has for me.

To see my brother feeling well again … The fact he felt the need to express his gratitude to me, his smile, the fact he did not give in, or give up …

Inspiration. He is what a hero looks like to me.

If after all he has been through, he can still joke, still laugh. I mean fuck! 2 days ago, he was in the hospital, damned near dead, and today, though exhausted, he was happy, grateful for life, and ordering pizza! How fucking bad-ass is THAT?!

Mind you, the twit is thinking about dropping ALL his meds. (what an idiot! I say that lovingly.) Because he worries eventually these doctors will also drop him thinking it is just for the drugs. Dude? you can NOT fake test results like you had. Not for anything. His pancreas had shut down completely (thankfully his stint stayed in place), and his sugar levels were so high they were sure he’d slip into a coma (damned near did at one point).

Sort of puts perspective on your own problems. You know?

I have a sneaky suspicion that the deepness of my depression was a side effect of the LDN. Any other side effects, if there, were so close to what I already deal with, they have gone unnoticed.

I have canceled the naturopath appointment, just can NOT afford it, and will be asking doc to refer me to a specialist, an internist. More and more, I suspect an autoimmune disorder/disease. Most of them have similar symptoms, but a few stand out more than others. One of the “side effects” of those autoimmune disorders, is Thrombocytopenia. Which I have ALL the symptoms of. Though, the red spots (Petechiae) I have had for around 20 years now? Can’t remember if it started before or after my son’s birth. Hubby is pretty sure I had them when he first met me, and Mom can’t recall if I ever had them, but thinks I might have mentioned them?

They come and go. I have some areas where they never go away. And I have 5 dots that don’t fade or change. The one I actually made the doctor who did my breast reduction PROMISE not to touch it. It is shaped like a heart, and both hubby and I noticed it for the first time the day I found out I was pregnant (officially). So, over 21 years for that one. hehe

I have days weeks months where I will be covered in them. All over my arms, chest, and stomach. Rarely on my legs, but it does happen. thankfully they are tiny enough no one can really tell until I point them out. Most think they are freckles, but from even just a short distance, it just adds a darker tone to my skin.

The downfall to autoimmune disorders/diseases, is there is no real “cure” or treatment. You just treat the symptoms, and hope to fuck you don’t catch anything that could make you worse. Like the flu, or even a cold.

But considering the inflammation through out my entire body, the infections in my took, and my lymph-nodes going crazy? Along with how out of control my breathing and allergies are? My immune system is definitely under attack. If it’s not autoimmune problems, then there is some serious bug/virus that is causing major issues.

Whatever it turns out to be, I just want a solution.

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