Got a test from a friend/co-worker who mentioned that the boss I have been in touch with regarding my health has been asking about me. And mentioned I should check in.
This brought up a lot of feelings for me. Fear, guilt, anger, frustration. I worry that people will think I am faking this (I was a hypochondriac as a child, parents never believed me), I worry that I might get fired. I am frustrated that NOTHING has been found out regarding what is wrong with me, but I KNOW something is. It is NOT normal to always be dizzy, nausea, and have such horrid painful bowel movements (and so many other symptoms*).
I just want to curl up in a ball and be done with this all. I want to be healthy. I want to work, and do things. I am exhausted, and feel like giving up. If I thought I could manage a full shift suffering through this type of pain while standing for 8 hours? I’d give up on an answer/solution and just say fuck it and go back to work.
But I can’t. If I am not on the toilet crying in pain, then I am sitting down trying to force some sort of nutrients down my face so I don’t pass out or die from no food.
My good days are me trying to putter and feel like I am a some sort of contributing part of this family, while trying not to pass out.
My bad days means I spend a minimum of 2 hours on the toilet, grunting, crying, in major pain (occasionally screaming), and wondering why I am even alive.
Each test that comes back negative wears me down even further. Every medicine that doesn’t help just makes me want to give up. The only way I can even get 6 hours of sleep is with a sleeping pill. Without it, I get maybe 3 or 4 hours. I can’t keep doing this. I need answers.
Not sure how much longer I can keep it together. Not sure I even want to.