I sort of fell off the positivity train awhile ago, and that’s okay. Not that long ago I would have beaten myself up over that, or just over the fact I am depressed, frustrated, and whiny. But, I am learning. No point beating myself up over this stuff, the world will try to do that more than enough, no need to add my own voice to the mix.
I am trying to climb back on the positivity kick, at least while I am fighting my depression. It is fucking hard as hell to be positive when health is failing. Hell, I had a hard enough time when it was just mental health, but I don’t really handle physical health problems very well. Broken bones, sprains, things like that? Okay, sure, pain. But you have a cause, effect, and solution(s). It can be fixed.
This internal stuff? Man, so hard to diagnose, find why, or even what the fuck is going on, and fix it. So I struggle more. The more time goes by, the more frustrated I become, the more my depression gets its hooks into every corner of my brain.
So, today I decided, FUCK depression. I NEED to fight back. I gave up for a while, hung out with the bastard. Let it convince me I wasn’t worthy, and life was going to kill me one way or another.
Not sure what snapped me out of it. What made me click in the fucker was trying to seduce me, but snap out of it I did. Hey, depression is still holding tight, but I feel stronger today. Like I can fight back. I will NOT give in. I will kick depression in the ass and walk away victorious.
I see doc tomorrow, and we are going to go over the latest blood work (nothing really showing up), and discuss specialists. I have a list of doctors that have good reviews, and seem like they know their stuff. THE top 2 have retired, of course. But the ones I’ve found all seem the next ones up and coming for results, bedside manner, and overall ratings.
I am also going to get off my ass and go talk to Service Canada and see if I can switch over to regular EI until my health is all sorted out. Scared as hell (no clue why?). I mean worse they say is no, in which case I just have to figure out how to make money while not working …? But, they might be able to help and figure it out. Worth a shot, right?
The hardest part about going to talk to them is the shower. I stink. 😉 But with how dizzy I have been lately, I tend to forgo the daily showers, and have them a little more sporadically. (Like, once a week? ew! At least I do wash with a cloth every night!)
It’s more the drying my hair that’s the hardest. Pulls my stomach, and my shoulder/back/arm get nasty pins and needles.
Okay, enough babbling. I can do this. I WILL kick ass. And depression can suck rotten eggs. *nods firmly*
(Pretty sure my new coffee mug – AKF – is spurring me on a bit. 😉 When I got my shirt it did the same thing)