But, of course we all know I can ramble. And when I am super emotional? I ramble even more. (let that be your warning!)
So, lately I have been really in a low point, but different from other low points. This was, not as dark, but worse because I was FEELING the dark. Much more raw than I am use to when I’m in the hole I call depression.
I’ll be straight here, if my health wasn’t so fucked up, I doubt I’d be very low. Well, maybe I would be low, but not like this. Of course the whole not allowed to go back to work thing, and EI running out has added to it. But, that’s whatever. I ALWAYS figure shit out, some how.
Anyway, The last few days I was fucking determined to get my ass out of my hole (oh that is so wrong … But, I’ll leave it. hehe heh) and get back on my positivity kick again.
Hey, I am nothing, if not determined. Actually, I am more stubborn. Hell, I can damned near out stubborn my son! And that is no easy task!
So, I had had, oh, maybe 3 days of that? I was doing okay. And last night (this morning) as kiddo and I went for our nightly drive, it brought up memories for me, of when I was his age. I’d get in my car and just drive. Even then music was my companion, and driving was my solace. A solitary thing that needed no other human.
For my son and I, I think it is a way to just get out of the house. For me, it is a way to try to connect with him. He is not one for communicating any sort of feelings. He keeps a tight lid on that (no CLUE where he gets that from … Which is why I blog. duh). And when we go out for our drives? We talk. Sometimes about nothing, sometimes about stupid stuff. We debate, we laugh. We argue. And occasionally he opens up.
Sometimes I wish he and my husband could have that, but they are so much a like in the wrong ways they just butt heads worse that rutting moose!
Anyway, starting very early this morning, my stomach/health issues were acting up again. Which meant very little sleep, on top of the already little sleep I had. So as hard as I was trying to be positive, and think only positive things … The memories of a lonely childhood, the pain and crappy health, life in general really, all just buckled in on me while I was crying in pain on the toilet, wishing some how I had done it all differently, but yet still had the same people. Of course, I realized if I had done it differently I wouldn’t have my husband or son…. and
Well, you can see where THAT was going.
Then, my husband walked in with a parcel for me. I looked at him like he was from some other solar system, “A book” he said, as he smiled.
I asked if it was for me. Very puzzled. I looked at who it was from, had NO fucking clue. Looked up the name, still no help. Opened it up. And well, what? Come on. Either I won it, or bought it and forgot (seriously, my brain is BAD folks. I could have bought it a few weeks ago and COMPLETELY forgotten). So, I looked through my money program, as far back as 2 years. Nope. Nothing.
I was giddy, skeptic, and stunned silly. Which of course added to my huge “emo state” I was in. I got a bit shaky, and never gave into the urge for an ugly cry.
No, instead I took to Twitter and apologized (sort of) to who ever sent it, because I forgot, and thanked them. Of course my husband (the smart ass) said it HAD to be Cat (Charlotte). But my brain couldn’t wrap thoughts around why or how, so I dismissed that. But then Cat post how it was a mystery and it all clicked.
I waffled between “Bitch” (in a nice way :* ) and “umm What? Why?” for much longer than I should have. Hell, I still can’t figure out why. Well, I mean I can … but… why?
Look, I had a great childhood, in that my parents loved me, clothed me, etc. But I ALWAYS felt like they favoured my brother (hind sight of course, they didn’t). I felt different, like I never fit any where. Yes, I am adopted, NO, that wasn’t why. I never felt I wasn’t part of the family. Just that I didn’t fit in the world as a whole.
was am social awkward, have a hell of a time making friends, and never really seem to have things go my way. Sure, I can force the issue at times, and when I look back I can see it wasn’t as bad as it felt. But in the moment, any moment, where I am, I never quite feel I should be there.
Of course, when you have depression, that sort of leads to some very dark thoughts. But that’s not really the point right now. I wasn’t quite to that point.
No, I was just at the “I don’t fit” part. I just wanted my pain to end, I wanted a miracle and for the phone to ring saying I could see the specialist ASAP. I wanted solutions.
And that’s where the book showed up.
It made me feel … I don’t know. Too many things. Still is. Still not sure of all my feelings.
Love, special, puzzled, confused, not worthy, worthy. Just a hot mess of emotions, and none of them really sure where to settle.
I honestly don’t know … What? What don’t I know? I don’t know why? WHY this person, this amazing, beautiful, sweet, anxiety ridden, bravest person I know … I don’t know why she choose to do this. I don’t know why she choose me. (and fuck OFF if you say god. because Dude? IF that bastard exists? he doesn’t give a rats ass!)
But for what ever reason, she is in my life, I will say, her timing has ALWAYS been just amazingly spot on. And I can say with out a single doubt she is one big reason I keep pushing through this craptastic (at times) life. Cat has this way, and you see it in how her friends interact with her. She is a force that even if she is down, she can make you feel like you matter. Like you ARE someone.
And THAT, that is fucking special!
And I am not worthy, but am beyond grateful she thinks I am!
And now, now I sleep away the emotional tides.