Stress is an odd thing. It can affect us mentally, physically, and I am sure in other ways I don’t know. It can even affect those around us.

I’ve always prided myself on the fact I don’t get stressed. Now, as I’ve gotten older, I realize that isn’t entirely true. I get stressed, I just don’t show, or feel it the way your average person does.

With my health being the way it has the last 4 or 5 months (longer if you count the last 10 years. But I’m talking since it’s gone non-stop, with pain, and other gross things), I have begun to look for reasons. Explanations as to why I am suffering like I am. I am sure some out there would blame some fictional deity, stating that I have not led the perfect life, and therefore am being punished. Others would say I didn’t live clean enough. Wasn’t eating organic, and raw, and other hippie dippy phrases.

All I have to say to that? BULL FUCK! Look, there is something to be said for prayer, in that if you have faith it is a type of meditation, and therefore allows you to calm yourself. But it doesn’t prevent health problems. Makes them easier to deal with, sure, lessens the effects? Maybe. And living clean, or whatever, yes is not a bad idea, and can make you feel better, and even healthier in many ways. But, again, it does not prevent health problems from just popping up. After-all, there are many people out there who smoke, drink, even do drugs, that live beyond “average years”. And there are people who live the perfect clean life that die tragically young.

There is no predicting, with certainty, who is going to be struck with what, or why. I admit, I could exercise more (or at all, really), and even eat a healthier, balanced diet. But guess what? I do did get a decent amount of exercise (when working, full-time. most days well over 10,000 steps, and that didn’t include the lifting, bending, and such while standing at the till helping customers), and I may not eat perfectly, but I eat mostly balanced (maybe not enough. Certainly not enough now with my health), and don’t stuff my face with junk. And of course, the smoking, which I’ll add at the bottom1.

In all my research of what I might have, could have, or do have, the one thing that has NEVER come up was stress. Weird. Right? But I am starting to wonder. If it isn’t causing it, could it be what is making it that much worse? I keep looking back at the week it stuck so hard. When I ended up in the emergency ward from the pain. I can NOT for the LIFE of me figure out what my stressors were. I had stress. But nothing out of the ordinary. And nothing that even worked its way in to dreams. I was having too many sick days, and while the bosses kept saying things like I was the top sick person, I also KNEW without a doubt that my job was safe (they told me). Money was becoming easier, less tight. Bills were (and I stress were) all caught up. Hell, we even had a bit of extra for things like clothes, and cheap “extras” like a new BBQ. So. What triggered it then?

Now though, with my last EI cheque (half amount, one weeks worth) with coming week, no LTD or benevolent fund from work (or the union), and no ability to return to work? Yeah, NOW I think stress is adding to my problems. Not so much making it more intense. Just that it is now constant. Instead of one or two days of respite from the pain and bathroom breaks, I know only get a few hours, moments many days. I am pretty sure that is from stress.

Four months has gone by so damned fast! That even though I have allowed myself (in my budget) until the end of July to get back to work. It’s not enough time. Doc won’t release me for work, not without seeing the specialist and getting some solutions, if not answers. And let’s face it. It took almost 8 months JUST to get the colonoscopy. How fucking long will it take to see a specialist?

Of course, we need to add to that every day stresses. Which are so much larger now because of my health. I have NEVER liked making phone calls, but now? With how I feel, and the pain? It becomes a mountain. Just thinking is hard. More and more I will be talking to hubby or kid and just stop. Mid-sentence. With no CLUE what I was just about to say. Not even the smallest, tiniest hint. It scares me. Angers me. My frustration levels go through the roof. I hate it. Of course, there is the guilt that goes with all of this.

All of this sounds fairly “routine” as I type. I mean, I’ve been dealing with it for weeks, months for somethings. So why post about it now? Good question.

Partly I just needed to vent, see if it helps some. But a larger part, I had to make a few phone calls today, and will have to make approximately 3 or 4 tomorrow (depending on each call. I may need more?) I have to call insurance first thing in the morning, make sure we still have coverage, at LEAST for tomorrow. Depending on that call, We then have to take the husband to the doctors to get a prescription for his CPAP machine and equipment (the mask and hoses etc). I then need to phone the CPAP company and order the machine. That will actually be the easiest part. The lady I spoke with today, was SO friendly, and so helpful. Told me how to deal with insurance, and even is giving us the sale price, it was over today (she didn’t say that, the website did. But maybe it was wrong? Now that I think about it, she never made it sound like some favour?) After that, I then have to mail the paperwork off. Then, after all that, I have to (maybe) call insurance again to inform them about the purchase, and when I’ve sent the paperwork etc.

OH! AND, I have to re-call the OTHER site I had placed an order with, and make SURE they cancel it. And I have to do that BEFORE they fill the order, or we still have to pay 15%. And the only reason I had ordered with them, is when I first researched buying on-line, this site was cheaper, even with taxes etc. BUT. Until I spoke with insurance, I didn’t click in they don’t cover shipping and duty or extra taxes. AND until I had placed the order (because I was so desperate to get hubby the machine ASAP), I didn’t do the math, or stop to think, well, about any of it. Not that I was sure how I would have covered the extra charges. I hadn’t thought that far ahead.

This new site, is cheaper than the other site by about $100, which is the shipping and taxes (new site has no taxes). And cheaper still when you count that total didn’t include the duty, or border fees and taxes. So, it’s actually almost $500 cheaper!! whew and it will be easier to deal with the insurance, less paperwork.

Another positive note, I had a shower today, and didn’t get a rash! I had to shower. It helps the pain, and I was getting slimy. I didn’t change a thing soap wise, and the towel was from the same load as the last towel. The only thing different, I shaved (was way past due), and the water didn’t get as hot.

Near the end I thought I might be getting a rash. The itch was just as intense as the last 2 times I had the rash. But it faded much quicker, and never developed into the rash. Well, maybe the back did? but hubby was is napping, so he couldn’t look for me. All our mirrors are not set for a proper view by myself.

So if I had to rate today, I’d give it 2 and a half stars. Not a complete disaster, some good. 
Scratch that Make it 3 stars. Because even though I am worried, and a bit stressed, and my body is killing me, the fact we will (probably) be getting hubby’s CPAP machine, the fact my mental health is actually not to bad knock wood, allows for that extra half star! Maybe even 3 and a quarter stars, slightly more to the good side, even if at times it felt much close to one star. 😉  Yeah. Over all, not too bad. Would do again, just without the pain next time. hehe









  1. Okay. I will admit, I have smoked for … what? Over 20 years? And, no. I haven’t quit yet. Fucking struggle. Cold turkey makes all my symptoms so much worse (We’re talking to the point I debated seriously about killing myself more than once in the 2 days I didn’t have a cigarette). Cutting back is proving to be a challenge, and very slow going, but working. Yeah, I have bad days where habit takes over, but I correct myself and try again. I’ve gone from 10 cigarettes down to 5 – 6. Again, depends on the day. Had a very rough week, so I am pretty sure I had gone back to almost 10 a day. Which Sucked. But, without the money for the drugs that worked so amazingly last time (I had quit for a year), cutting back is the only way I can do it. 
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