Sorry Doc!

I.

I don’t know where to start this post. I don’t know what to say.

I just need to vent, to work through what is going on in my head. What I am going through with my health.

Look, I honestly have no fucking CLUE what’s going on. I don’t know if what is going on is a new problem, the same old shit (pun intended), or a secondary issue that was untreated because of the main problem over-shadowing it. I haven’t got the foggiest.

But here is what I DO know. I know I was 100% pain-free (including surgical pain – VERY minor) after surgery, including the two weeks of reduced hours and work load. I also know, that within one week of going full-time, full duties the pain started up again, and so did the bowel issues.

Now, does that mean WORK is causing the problems? OR. Is it a coincidence? I would take a wild stab that is it purely coincidence. But I am no doctor. But I do think work is adding to the problem. And so, probably, is the pain-killer.

What is happening, is very similar as before. Difficulty going, but when I do, it is not “regular”. I do NOT have “labour pains” as often, but have the last two times I’ve gone (haven’t mentioned it to the hubby yet, as his anxiety would kick into overdrive, and he is still in a depression – even if he doesn’t want to own it), and I have now had three BM’s since surgery, that have had blood in them. Just now was one of them.

It does feel different than it was before the surgery. It is less …. labour pain, more period cramping. I also have observed that it is worse for about a week, once a month. Now, that could imply that the microscopic endometriosis IS in the bowel lining, which means they can not see it, and biopsies rarely find it, OR it could just be my hormones going wacky because I have no uterus, and am down to one ovary. Or maybe my thyroid is fucking up again.

I don’t know! I am grasping at straws for some sort of explanation, while having a panic attack that it is back, all while trying to force myself to stay at work, keep a brave face on for the family, and NOT lose my mind, lose friends, and jump off the tallest tree I can find!!! (that last part is a poor taste joke in an attempt to highlight how freaked I am trying NOT to be. I SUCK at jokes)

Look, I know I have lost friends, or alienated the few I have with my constant whining, and bitching. And I don’t blame them. I am severely sad about that, as I am a social outcast that can’t make friends worth a damn. But, it is what it is.

That is why I am posting here instead. From now on, no matter WHO asks me, I am “fine”, “okay”, “Same old”, or “great”. EVEN if any one asks me specifically about my pain or health (other than doc), I will not say a thing. I will just tell them I am fine, and if pressed, just tell them that I would rather not talk about it.

As much as I HATE taking the pain-killer, if I have to, I will. I will do whatever I have to in order to stay at work through this whole thing. And honestly? Even if I am dying (I’m not), I will just smile, take a pill, and keep moving forward. And from now on? Not a single person will hear a fucking SOUND out of me about my pain. Not even my family.

Fuck it. I can’t keep talking about this. I can’t keep annoying people.

I see doc on the second. Depending on what he says, and what he and I decide on how to proceed with work and the whole bowel problem, I will only talk about it one last time. I will go in to work, talk to the big boss privately, explain what doc and I decided, and maybe work out some sort of compromise or longer hours, but more breaks … I don’t know. Something. I have to explain to him that I am having a VERY hard time with it, but that I can NOT lose my job, or leave it, or even reduce my hours. I can’t afford it. Not even a penny.

I don’t even know if I will post here any more. I might, just because I am pretty sure I will have to vent to some degree or I will implode in a horrible way. Perhaps I will just make the blog post private or something. Has a similar effect, but without pissing people off, or making them roll their eyes.

Whatever, I have no clue right now. Hell, if I manage any sleep, maybe I’ll feel different. Probably just the pain talking (I REFUSE to take ANY pills when not at work. Work I NEED to be sort of okay!)

I really hate this whole thing of JUST one day off. I can’t even sleep in today, or I won’t sleep well tonight, and I have to be up by 7 am Sunday.

I love my job, I just don’t like the scheduling.

Now, if you will excuse me, I am going to go get my heat bag glowing, and curl up in bed all while trying not to wake hubby with my grunts of pain.

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This entry was posted in Anxiety, depression, Health, TMI. Bookmark the permalink.

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