So much going on right now, yet nothing really different? It’s hard to really update, vent, share, moan, or any other thing I would here, because honestly? I am not sure where I am.
Right now, I feel very much like my position in the universe hasn’t changed, but the universe has changed around me. I don’t know, it’s hard to explain. I feel both grounded, and determined, and yet, I also feel so lost, and like giving up. It’s a very messy feeling right now.
Life, work, even relaxing, it all seems so … confusing, difficult, changing, and yet all so routine and just UGH. Could be the depression? I always forget about it, and the fact I have SAD, until I am on the way out – at my worst. It feels like it sneaks up on me, I think “Hey, this year hasn’t been bad!” then BOOM! something small like spilled water or something will make me want to curl in a ball and hide from the world because it is ending.
What I do know, is I need to work on some stuff, and figure out how to deal with the pain. I can not keep coming home and subjecting my family to the head turning, anger filled bitch I am at the end of the day. It’s not right, it’s not fair. Not to them, not to me, not to anyone. I just feel so “on” at work, pushing through the pain when I think I can’t, that by the time I get home, I lose it. sigh
Working on it all.