I may share a lot of personal things on here, but I seldom dive into the depths of myself, and will seldom post more than a fleeting thought on my husband or son. No more than what I have to. (Their privacy. Sharing of myself is one thing, but to share of them?) In the past, I have perhaps showed some of the depths. Certainly when posting about the stepson-devil spawn, and how that pertained to my son and I, and our survival from that. But this is different. I need to share what an amazing person my son is.
This is his story, from my perspective. I know I will never show all of his facets, but I need to try.
My son was born in July. It had been a very hot summer. And right from the moment I saw him, I just knew that this kid was going to be his own self. I was in the hospital for a full week after having a c-section and iron issues, and in that whole time, he was just an amazing child. He never cried with me, just snuggled in and it was like we were in our own little world.
I don’t know the reasons behind it all, but it has always been he and I against the world. Even before the trouble with step-demon. Pretty sure a huge part of that was being a first time Mom and having carried this child for 9 months. It was an odd family dynamic. Hubby and I were very much, still are, a pairing. Much like you see in geese and swans. Yes, the children are cared for, but it is the parents that have the close life bond. When my son joined our life, things just shifted a bit.
My husband was working, the step child was slowly becoming more and more aggressive towards me, and the father in law was over stepping his boundaries. We all lived in one house. We had the basement, which consisted of 3 bedrooms and a playroom slash living room, a bathroom, and a laundry room.
The father in law was very old school when it came to dealing with children. And step-son caught on very early that if he was in trouble upstairs, just come downstairs. Grandpa didn’t talk to us in a meaningful way.
(Honest, the bits of back story are important)
During the early years, between the cat(s) and having an older brother, my son learned to crawl early, learned to walk by 9 months, and was talking in mostly full sentences by the time he was a year and a bit. He did everything faster and better than most children his age, and even compared to his older sibling. Everyone, doctors included just assumed it was from having an older child in the house and the fact I was an at home mom for most of that time.
By the time he entered pre-school, it was very clear to everyone, except me I think, that this child was very much attached to me. Things were already becoming violent with the step-devil, and I did my damnedest to protect my son*. So even at that point my son and I had formed a untypical bond. Hell, he and I knew the truth about the step-devil, but no one seemed to see it**. And since it was son and I at the brunt of it, our bond became one of protecting each other and railing against all who doubted.
Then came grade one. For many years the two boys were in the same school. And any friends my son would make, his older brother would cut in (older brothers are WAY cooler dontcha know), and eventually twist them against my son. More days than not, my son would come home in tears or in trouble because he had been bullied by these kids, his brother at the forefront of it all.
Then we moved. Being a child that hated change, he stayed in the same school for a year. We finally had convinced him that a new school, closer to home, would be much better.
Back story for a second – in grade 3 he was having troubles with school work, so they had him tested. Turned out that he had a learning disability that affected all aspects of his life.
NLD – Nonverbal Learning disorder. The verbal aspects of the IQ test(s) he score 135 and above. College level for many things. BUT, anything requiring writing he scored in the low average. I think 70’s? Which made the gaps between the two (verbal and written) actually seem worse than it was.
Add to that the fact he had HUGE trust issues with all people because of the step spawn, and the fact NLD enhances all problems involving social skills, this kid had it rough. NOT to mention many of the teachers felt because he would defend himself, he was a problem.
Enough of the back story, it makes me angry.
When we moved, step spawn went to live with his bio-mom.
My son began to come out of his shell just a tiny bit with the new school, he had some amazing teachers, I will never be able to thank them for all they did for him!
Then came junior high. That school was hell on wheels for that kid. I pulled out the Momma bear routine so much I thought I was going to actually become a bear. The school never even looked past the first page of his IEP. See, NLD isn’t yet (to this day) recognized as a disability that gets funding, so, they used his social issues and anger to get funding. And that was the first page. If you looked PAST that page, you could see that it all stemmed from needing help. But that school never even bothered to read it UNTIL HIS LAST YEAR THERE! He was in that school THREE YEARS! That whole ordeal set him back a huge amount.
Through out all of this, we all, as a family, my parents included, rallied around him, tried to help him up. But when most of your time is spent in the school with other nasty children and teachers cutting you down, family just isn’t enough to reinforce your strength. It tears you down and takes the rest of your life to build it back. (yes, a bit of personal experience there)
We tried our best in spite of it all to teach him proper decent values for dealing with the world. And frankly, I have NO CLUE how he turned out as amazing as he has. He has his own mind and views in spite of it all. He STILL has a caring and general love for those that are hurt or in trouble (and much like me, animals over humans. hahaha).
No, this kid may not have finished high school, or have the education people so desperately need to see in others, but he has something no one can deny. He has a heart so large it can make you weep.
If this kid ever, EVER let’s you in to his life, into his little bubble of protection he has surrounding him? You will be damned lucky and a better person for it! But a word of warning, once you are in that place, do NOT screw it up. He gave his grandfather (my dad) so many chances, but has all but cut him out of his life. Family or not, you will be iced out and never forgiven.
His emotions may not be on the surface, but he has them so deeply it can be scary how deeply he feels.
This child, this man, is amazing. Hell at 19 I STILL get hugs and snuggles. HE Was the one to tell us he was going to pay rent once he got a job. HE told US that he would pay his share of the bills. This kid has given us money from odd jobs for food, bills, rent. For as long as I can remember. He doesn’t ask for extras when out shopping, never has . Scratch that. He will ask if he can have something, but if we say we can’t afford it? No questions, no whining. Even when he was little. Step monster would pitch a fit, my son would just sigh deeply ask us if he gave us his allowance if that could buy it, if not. He’d be upset, sure, but no fits. No whining. Just calm (inner turmoil) acceptance of it all.
As he got older, he started mowing lawns, shoveling driveways etc, and getting money here and there. He would ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ask us first if we needed anything, or wanted anything.
Even now, he has an actual paying job. He has forgiven us our loan (we owe him 1,500), and all we have to do is not take any rent money from him for 5 months. AND he still wants to chip in (sometimes) for groceries.
Since he got this job … he is making all these HUGE plans on how to save and spend his money. He has only thought of TWO things for himself, a new bed (his sucks ass and we can’t afford a new one. *major guilt here, party of one*) and a computer. But even those 2 things, he is making more plans for US over himself.
He wants to send his father and I to Vancouver for a Canucks game (because Dad is a MAJOR fan, and I now like it), he wants to send my Mom to Jasper to visit her Mom’s grave and family in the area. AND he wants to send me to DragonCon.
For ALL of these things? He wants to pay for EVERYTHING! Gas money, food, hotel, photo ops (or any extras). Seriously. HOW many 19-year-old guys do YOU know that want to do this for anyone?
Thing is, the more you say no, save your money. The more he digs his heels in and will do it any way, but it would hurt his feelings if you refused. We are talking those deep down hurts. You know the ones. You’ve bought a friend, or a lover, or whoever, a special item that you just KNOW they will love, and you took special care in finding, and you did it all JUST because you love them. You give it to them and days later you see it in the trash, or someone else has it. THOSE feelings. THAT is how he feels if you say no.
He takes almost all year to search and think and plan for peoples Christmas gifts. Sure, sometimes if money is reallllllly tight he will get stuck on “family tradition” type gifts. Ones you love, but probably already have some of. For example, I LOVE baths, but, I don’t have them in this place because the bathroom REALLY needs to be redone (boss man is slow), BUT I still get my favourite bath stuff. I LOVE it, and thankfully kiddo still loves baths so it doesn’t go to waste, but I feel bad that it makes him sad I am not using it.
No, this kid. Man, you are one HELL of a lucky person if you have him in your life. His hugs may break bones, but they can make the world seem a happier, better place. Without my son? This world would be so much darker than it already is.
Without him, I don’t even want to imagine it.
I just wish he did not inherit my dislike of social gatherings and people, I wish he could/would, share himself with others. I hate that he doesn’t want friends “people my age are in to stuff I find useless and stupid. Kids my age are stupid Mom!” *sigh*
Too smart for his own good I think.
Pretty sure he will ask me to remove this once he sees it, on twitter, or Facebook. But I won’t. The world NEEDS to know that I have THE best, amazing, wonderful, introverted child in the history of the universe.
He really is an amazing kid. I have not done his awesomeness justice in this post, but if your read this, times it all by a thousand and it will begin to scratch the surface of how amazing he is.
The one down side? He is a HELL of a lot more stubborn than I am, well, just a bit. People call my husband stubborn. HA! He’s a push over. People call me stubborn. Yeah, ok. I give them that. But you combine the two of us, times it by 100? That might be enough to describe how stubborn my son is. But that, in part of why he is amazing.
ETA: I forgot to mention, regarding The Canucks game and DragonCon? My son knows how *coughobsessedcough* I am with Supernatural and has decided if I won’t go alone to DragonCon, then he will figure out how to plan the Canucks game and seeing them filming. BUT, he wants me to go to DragonCon, insisting actually, so I can meet my friend. (Again, ALONE?! naww uhhhh!)
*(Side note: I felt a universe of guilt that a child I had once loved as if my own was so angry and violent, to me, to my son. It was a slow falling out, once that took a decade or so, but it happened. Not even an ounce of caring, and finally I have the guilt under control. I have nothing to be guilty of! Took me forever to learn that!)
** That child was a snake charmer. He could have sold sand in a desert. He was SLICK – IF you weren’t with him 24/7. Short version of his story, on average it took him 4 – 6 months to show his true self to others. IF they lived in close quarters.
Since posting this, there have been so many things popping in my head that I feel I should have mentioned about my son. I don’t know if it is enough to warrant editing this post, but I am currently obsessed with the world (or at least a tiny percentage that might read this) getting to know my son the way I do.
I have no clue why this is so damned important to me at the moment, maybe it is just because I am one hell of a proud parent, maybe there is that itch in the back of my brain that I get sometimes over things, and my son just happens to be the subject this time. I don’t know. I just know I need to talk about him. And that is rare. He is an EXTREMELY private person, I am not even allowed to take his picture, so I try to respect that privacy (which is why no name for him here).
Besides all of the above I have mentioned when I first posted this, my son has, always has had, this amazing ability when it comes to puns and quick wit. From the time he could talk, he could turn any situation into a side busting laughter fest. Just one word can do that sometimes. Sometimes it is the most random of things, other times it is so perfect of a phrase that it can be re-told for years to come. Much of it becomes an inside joke with those involved, but is something you wish desperately others could understand, but inevitably ends up being a “Guess you had to be there”.
He can make me bust into laughter even when I am in my darkest of places. He seems to have an instinct for what will make me smile, what will make his father smile.
He refuses to swear or drink (Which is fine, I swear enough for all of Canada, and his grandfather drinks enough for all of North America), and yet, he can say things that he KNOWS my gutter mind will twist and make even me blush or gasp.
And voices; that kid can come up with voices and characters out of the blue. We have always joked with him that he could be an actor, or just a voice actor. I think if it weren’t for the worry of fame, he’d actually enjoy that. He’d be damned good too. Honestly, that’s not just proud mom talking. The few friends we have ever had that he sort of let his guard down around, have all said the same thing.
I am pretty sure we should all be grateful he was not born an extrovert? I mean I think if this kid had the talents he does AND he was a social butterfly? WOW. He’d be ruler of all by now. Or he’d have lead everyone over a cliff. Not sure which. LOL
Besides being funny he is smart. We are talking has a mind of his own, doesn’t believe all he reads, kind of smart. AND “smart” smart. If he sees something and he wants to know about it, he will search and re-search until he has learned all about it. For fucks sake this kid will quote studies about things to me. I mean come on. He doesn’t just see a quote or two on a study and read that, he will FIND the study, read it, then look for more information to see if he thinks it was enough.
The one down fall to that, is his stubbornness. Sometimes he will take that knowledge as if infallible. Won’t look at new evidence, not right away. He can be a dog with a bone on many things, especially if he is passionate about it. YET, in all of that stubbornness, he DOES have the ability to change, it just takes awhile.
We tried to raise him in a way that he was a blank slate, uninfluenced by our choices our feelings on life. It is impossible to do so, I know that, but try we did. We wanted him to come to his OWN conclusions, which of course does lead to some interesting “arguments” between us at times. But in all of that? He doesn’t have a prejudice bone in his body, towards any one. Even haters he will usually just slough them off as wrong, and move on. Sometimes he will argue his point, which as we all know, on the internet never works. But you know what? I have WITNESS this kid change peoples minds. He has horrible hand writing, and can’t spell worth a damn, but when he is typing out these AMAZING, well thought out, well written arguments, he takes the time to spell correctly, check the grammar, and even fact check to make sure he hasn’t mixed up ideas. I swear, he could be a lawyer. How any one can change minds on the internet? I never would have believed it if I hadn’t seen it. I’m not talking complete 180 changes, just a “Know what? you might be right, I need to look this up” or similar things.
Many things he has similar stances as us, but his own spin. But he doesn’t base his views off our views, he bases it off of what the facts and evidence shows. A god? Nope. Women in gaming or anything really, why not? His only complaint with women having same jobs as men is with upper body strength type jobs. For that he feels many women would not be able to do the job, BUT if they can pass all the same tests as men? Then they should be able to do the same thing for the same pay. He has no issue with it, but has an issue with a women getting a job JUST because she is a women. “If she can do the job, great, have at it. But if she can’t, forget it. Doesn’t matter, same goes for men. Idiots are idiots across the board Mom!”
Can’t argue the logic. I’ve tried at times on some issues, but logic is logic.
I am pretty sure that somewhere in some way that this child was genetically modified, or an alien got me knocked up. Because no way in hell did I have anything to do with this boys brains! and BOY do I wish I could take credit.
Look, I am not saying I am blind to his faults. We ALL have faults. It’s just that this kids assets far out weigh any faults he has. Perhaps why I am posting this? For those days that I am asking him to do something for the billionth time, over the course of a month, and he STILL hasn’t done it. AND wonders why I am getting so upset. haha
But, that aside, There are so many things about him that makes him so damned special, and I know I will think of more as soon as I finish this edit. I could (if I knew how to write) write a book on just what makes this kid so amazing.
Yes, a part is the proud parent thing. But there is an even bigger part that knows it is just who he is. I have wondered many times how I got so lucky to have this child in my life.
I would have to say his biggest fault is follow through BECAUSE of his lack of self confidence.
He has sung, and so beautifully. But, he didn’t think he was good (even though teacher kept telling him he was), AND the fact all the singing was in front of a crowd, so, he quit. In school, he would draw amazing things, building, cars. Nothing “life like” but yet, still something you wanted to have because of the detail. Writing, I understand why he never even started with that. It is such a hardship for him. But man … Some teachers respected the IEP and had a scribe for him. And he would go from one sentence essays to 3 page long stories. The Knowledge, the feeling, the detail, and emotion that would show through. It was amazing.
Like I said a few paragraphs ago, acting, humour, he can do it all, and well. It’s just a matter of finding what he wants to do. Hell, you should SEE the wood work he has done. I have had 2 offers to buy my table he made me. Pftt like I would EVER give it up? Fight me bitches!
He is a multi-talented, jack of all trades, introverted, amazing person.
Unfortunately, for many of the things he wishes to do, it is us, his parents, that are holding him back. For now. We have never had the money to support his creative talents. He wants to learn the electric guitar, but DAMN it’s expensive. Why the guitar, was my question. His answer? It is something that he enjoys listening to, tried in school and played well, and he just wants to play it. “Needs to”, I think were his words.
And I can’t do that for him. It saddens me. Which struck me as odd when that was not on the top of his things he wants to buy for himself. But then, he has priced them out many times and been frustrated at the cost. Might be a “back burner in the future” plan? He does that. OFTEN.
Huge planner, gets frustrated for awhile if things don’t go according to the plan, but his not getting a job quickly may have helped with that. He learned that applying for just one job at a time gets you no where. He also learned not following up with people is unhelpful. AND he has learned that plans can be put off without being thrown out. Plans CAN still happen, they just might shift a bit.
Come to think of it? Pretty sure my son is teaching me things! Damn, how’d that happen?
Yes, my son. Someone who is well worth the patience and time to get to know. If you ever meet him? Be patient. He may seem like a grumpy rabid cat, but he is just a teddy in disguise. If you can gain his trust, you will get to see the most fascinating, amazing human, you have ever met.