Creative spark [DOC UPDATED – THIRD TIME]

I’ve decided to have this post, and attached document, as a place to put my random creative thoughts. I am hoping that but posting this it may spark my creative a bit more. force me outside my comfort zone, and allow my ideas a chance to untangle from the depths of my brain where things go to die.

I’ll just update the document from time to time with my stuff, maybe? I really do suck at follow through.

I’m not directly asking for any feedback, I am not doing it for that, but if you feel you want to give feedback, please do so gentle as this is a very fragile thing right now. I’d hate to lose any forward momentum just because of some criticism. Maybe one day I will be able to handle more than that?

Now, that’s not to say I can’t handle some! I’m not that bad. (I hope?) just nothing to picky or …. well nothing like “oh, that sucked! no plot or flow, and the spelling was worse than my dogs. And don’t even get me STARTED on the grammar!” or “Oh my god? You call THAT a drawing? I saw a better face in the patterns of rain on the sidewalk”

THAT would kill me!

Something like “Hey. Cool, nice start there. Some polish on that and it has a chance.” Or “Just curious if you meant there or their in the 4th sentence? I wasn’t sure of the direction depending on the word”, hell even if you said “Might have missed it, but noticed the nose was upside down on that last drawing, Is that intended?”

Those I (think?) I could handle. 😉

Yes, I am a baby! But the spark needs a breeze, not a downpour.

 

Besides, I am hoping that nurturing my creativity will be the tools I need to fight any depression, or hum drums, or whatever. shrugs

Hell, maybe if I ever get any money I’ll even take singing lessons, see if I can’t get my singing voice back? (Maybe not …)

Creative Snippets – 73116

[UPDATE]

Decided I would just upload my updated documents as a whole new link. Sort of a “progress” view for myself, and on the odd chance anyone wanted to see any differences?

Creative Snippets – 81416

[UPDATE – 2]

Creative Snippets – 82316

[UPDATE – 3]

******

In a land far, far away, there lived people I knew very little about. These people had lives, and loves, that were much like my own. Yet I envied them, much as they surely envied me.

Neither people knew of the envy the other held. They assumed that each were suffering worse lives than the other. They tried to imagine that the other people were like them, but as is the nature of the human heart, they tended to be self absorbed and could not imagine someone having a life worse than their own.

Those that had travelled, and visited these other people knew the truth. Knew that other people in far away places also suffered, and in some cases much worse fates. They would come back to their lands and try to tell their people how others were just like them. How some had it easy, and some worse. But because they had not seen it for themselves, they dismissed these claims as falsehoods meant to take them from their own worries, and use what little resources they had for people they were sure had it better.

One day, one of the leaders had enough. He was so sure the other lands had it better he chose to arm his people, trained them to fight, and kill. He led them to battle these other lands.

Since both sides had thought the same thought, they met in the middle, both sides thinking that surely they were right, as the other side had weapons and knew how to fight. They must be better off.

The few who saw the darkness of those thoughts and actions left both sides, to be called traitor and enemy. Those that reminded to fight grew more darkness and hatered in their hearts. They taught the next generations their hatered.

Each generation would produce a few traitors who would leave their lands. They would travel many years to the outliers and find others of their own heart.

Unfortunately it was not enough. Because as traitors left to join them, they had those in their own ranks through the generations who would leave to be with those that had hate in their hearts. They grew in numbers, but not quickly enough. After thousands of years, the haters over ran their planet, and the planet died.

This continues to happen on other planets, only a few over come. Only a tiny percentage manages to spread kindness and caring above the hate before the planet dies.

Will this planet be one of those small few?
Will the traitors and enemy be louder than the haters?
Who will step up to spread the love and save this planet?

*******

She stood in front of the window. All the lights off, watching the large fluffy flakes fall rapidly from the sky. They sparkled like gems in the street lights. The tree branches grew white and heavy, dipping lower to the ground, as if they wished to be part of it.

As the snow continued to fall damping the sounds of the world, one branch, then another got their wish and would fall to the ground with a dull thud. Leaving behind for just a moment, a brown scar across the white blanket. But as quickly as the scars appeared, it would be covered up, the only evidence it was there the small depression in the blanket. But in time, even that too would disappear.

She gave a little snort, thinking back to when her mother, or maybe it was her father or some other random person, told her how it was a metaphor for life. Maybe it was, mistakes can be fixed, or be hidden, but much like the spring thaw, things tend to always have a way to show back up, looking more decayed and slimey than when it happened. All because it was covered up.

Tomorrow was ‘his’ trial. Would ‘his’ past actions be turned to the light? Would they look more decayed and slimey than when it happened? Or would he once again come out looking like the snow drops and crocuses that pop out of the decay?

She started to shake things about being in front of yet another jury, reliving the horror she felt so many years ago. How can they see his memories as so accurate, yet veiw all of Thiers as if they were stupid women who couldn’t keep a thought longer than a gnats life?

She turned from the window, wondering when this nightmare would end. When would she be able to look at snow, or anything, with out it coming back to ‘him’.

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Things I know

This will be a short list … bah dum dum hehehe

Okay, I’ll be serious for a second.

This is in regards to my health. Between the last two hospital visits, my own research, talking to doc, talking to Mom (and showing her the blood results – she was an RN for a billion years!! ❤ ), we have come up with a few new/old/revisited ideas for what the fuck is going on with my body.

Really, the credit has to go to me 50% for thinking of printing out the graphs my health portal (on phone only), then the other 50% is all of us piecing the puzzle together. It’s only 75 – 80% with the middle section missing, but we are starting to figure things out!! Which, is why we are going with a treatment, then working back to the diagnosis.

So, here it is, what I (we) know so far:

  • Still pretty sure I have endometriosis/adhesions
  • Certain blood tests spike/drop HARD when I am “flaring”
  • Allergies get worse
  • Eczema spreads
  • Red dots multiple
  • Pain rises
  • Bowel issues increase
  • Mental fog mounts
  • Dehydration begins
  • Nerves in back/shoulders spikes
  • Thyroid numbers go up
  • And a host of other “generalized symptoms” show up.

*** As much as I am loath to ever have the flu like this again, and will get the shot in the future? I must grudgingly admit that being hit so hard really helped in adding to the picture. Showing us some of the outlines and positions as it were. ***

Apart, these things all showed us nothing. With all the imaging testing (which was never done during a “flare” due to waiting lines, even for urgent) showing us nothing, we were stumped. BUT, the one thing that kept popping up, kept coming around, seemed to fit, but was never actually there?? Liver damage and gall stones (or kidney stones). But, since it would all fade away, and all the results go back to MY “normal” before the imaging or scopes, etc. It was leaving us with more questions than answers.

We tried treating the symptoms, based on the possible diagnosis, based on results. Some would work for a short time, but never be very effective in the long run.

So, we decided to forgo the imaging and scopes etc this time. Act as if we had them and the backed up the blood tests. (I gave doc permission to do this! NOT going in blind to this) Unfortunately, without the real tests, it doesn’t give us a definitive, as the blood tests give us three possibilities: 1.) Gall/kidney stones, 2.) Gall bladder/liver/kidney infection, 3.) or gall bladder(and bile duct)/liver/kidney damage, bonus 4.) with a tiny chance of SIBO (which hasn’t shown before, but all symptoms say yes).

Now, treatment: 1.) since x-rays show nothing, and ultra sounds never show anything, is to just wait it out. 2.) Bomb the fuck out of it with antibiotics, while replacing the good stuff with probiotics (which I can’t FUCKING AFFORD because I am yet again off for a week min. grr) 3.) several options – surgery, special meds, pain relief, and others we didn’t talk about. BUT if the antibiotics make things MUCH worse, THIS is the route to chase!! and 4.) The antibiotics and probiotics plus MINOR changes to diet (which I’ve tried – didn’t work, but I know I can do it with ease.).

So as you can see, as much as doc and I hate the use of antibiotics without a diagnoses, it really is our best chance at getting confirmation/diagnoses of what it is that is eluding us so fucking hard.

Now, I didn’t mention cancer, or other issues that it could be because the blood markers, and the imaging would actually corroborate that. And yes, there is a possibility that it could be “hiding”. But it’s a slim chance.

The weird part? if it is 2, 3, something else, or even unlikely number 4? It explains so damned many of my results, how certain treatments would work then fail, and the symptoms themselves. Now, during treatment, and possibly a few days after, I may actually feel worse (hence the whole week off), BUT, even then, I should start noticing a change in the pain at least. And it will give at least a much smaller area of focus for what we need to be looking for and at to get that elusive diagnosis.

PLUS? It REALLY helped that doc reassured me that there really IS something wrong with me, it is NOT in my head. I mean, ya. Okay. Logically I KNEW that, but it felt fucking amazing to hear it from him. “No, there is obviously something wrong. It’s just so damn elusive. It’s not you, not at all imagination.” (I am 80% sure that is the direct quote? It surprised me a bit, and helped. So I am fuzzy)

 

Yep. May not be fully there, but nice to know this will help narrow it down even more! It REALLY, REALLY does pay to know your health, do your research and fight like a cat in heat for what you feel is right when it comes to your illness and health. I can not stress that enough!

BUT, a word of caution! DO not take the word of the Internet as the holy word, the final word. It is not! As much as people make fun of it? WebMD is a good source of information, medline, mayoclinic, NIH, medicinenet, and if you can read the boring medical stuff with no pictures and lots of fancy big words, NHS has some amazing stuff. ALL those sites (with a big grain of salt, mixed in with my test) all have been huge in helping me help my doctor. The big but part: Use the research, print it out, but talk WITH your doctor. Don’t go in there and say “THIS is what I have”, ASK, “is this possible? here’s the symptoms that match, and what doesn’t, why I think it’s a fit”. And LISTEN to your doctor. If he listens to you, and gives reasons as to why he disagrees, or agrees, and gives you other possibilities? THAT is a good, no GREAT doctor. But if he looks at you, snorts, and says things about believing the Internet, or who’s the doctor, etc? Then find yourself a new doctor. YOU want one who is willing to listen, willing to work with you.

And look, depending on the country you are in, and the money needed, and a host of other things, keep in mind? generalized symptoms that fit a billion and one problems? BE A PATIENT PATIENT! It will take time. But do not let up. You can be patient while moving things along.

Be HONEST with your doctor.

LISTS, LISTS, LISTS

Research!!

Help your doctor help you. It’s a partnership, and if it is running smoothly? it might take time, but it will get done.

I am VERY blessed to have a family, and friends who have stood by me, and held me up and pushed me forward when I wanted to give up. IT pays to give going, no matter how hard it is.

TAKE CARE OF YOU!!

Keep fighting, keeping pushing, you are NOT alone.

 

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What the hell?

I really don’t quite know what’s going on right now. But I do know I am beginning to worry about working tomorrow.

You see, I am pretty sure most of my problems at the moment are a rebound effect from the Prednisone. It’s just that I have never had it like this before.

The aches are fading, so that is a bonus. But the extreme sharp pains followed by diarrhea … That’s a new one. Well, let me rephrase, new for me after taking Prednisone. Which makes me wonder if because of the Prednisone my insides started to heal and get rid of this flu, and as soon as I stopped, my insides (not being fully healed) got really pissed off!

I have never met anyone who knows the feeling I mean. I have ALWAYS gotten a very sharp, stabbing pinch just before diarrhea. Even as a kid. The illness type doesn’t change it. Flu, food poisoning, stomach bug, and other stuff. It is always the same. Sharp pains that stab me, from about 4″ up from belly button, to about 2″ below, about 4″ wide. Every single time.

The one thing I have noticed with this compared to my usual bowel problems, pooping EASES the pain. So it is a bug or something, not my usual “undiagnosed” stuff. That gets worse when I go.

I wasn’t going to nap today, since I have to work tomorrow, but I think I need to get as much sleep as possible right now, I can worry about getting a routine when my body isn’t such a fucking bitch.

I am otherwise still in good spirits. As much as I can. LOL

Would be nice if this diarrhea would stop though. Sheesh.

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Be on the look out

I was thinking that I would stop posting anything health related, at all. At least for a while. But then, today I searched through all my old posts looking for answers on how long it takes for my body to get over the rebound effects of Prednisone. And, well. Here I am.

See, I have started hormone therapy (Progesterone) in the hopes it will help the pain I have been experiencing in my bowels – possible endometriosis. Thing is, having started that at the same time I started the Prednisone, I am not really sure what symptoms are coming from what thing.

One thing I do know, and will REALLY have to watch in the coming weeks, is that I am agitated. I wouldn’t go so far as to say all out anger? But there is definitely angry under tones in my mind right now. It could be just me being so sick and tired of being sick and tired. It could be just life in general. Hell, these days, who isn’t annoyed by life just a bit? Lack of money, missing work, etc etc can sort of weigh on a person, ya know?

But as I was yet again sitting on the toilet being “annoyed”, I realized it was a bit more intense, with a slight hint of agitation, maybe some “manic” (not clinical stuff … just …. over-caffeinate style). And I realized that for me? This post is my best bet. At least for tracking this sort of feeling. I just have to remember to start tagging my posts for easier finding of things later.

Hell, this whole post has taken less than 3 minutes to type out. That’s quite the record for me.

Yes, I have had coffee, but usually that slows me to a sloths pace on a sunny day.

These sharp pains in my stomach really aren’t helping me figure out what is going on. VERY distracting actually.

 

Ahh, there’s the mind slip I am use to. Whew, was beginning to think I had some hyper thought or something.

Yep, this is something to keep an eye on.

:/ Sloth mode.

Stupid fragile meat suits. Why can’t the human body be …. self repairing or something. This sick thing just makes no sense.

Okay, still agitated, but this helped.

 

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Who am I?

It’s been a long time since I have been able to really look at myself and feel good. Not just physically, though that is, was, also a big part, but mentally I was struggling. I honestly didn’t know if I was coming or going, I was beginning to lose myself in my illnesses. And it was showing to the world I am sure. In what I posted, how I spoke. It was all I knew.

Let’s face it, I have never really known who I am, what I am. Other than the obvious human aspect, I always struggled to fit in any where. My identity has always been tied to others; daughter, sister, wife, mother, worker, and rarely – boss. I never really had my own identity.

So, when my illnesses came along, it was something that was mine, sure, others had similar or even worse, but these were mine. I allowed them to shape who I was. I became my illnesses. I have begun to steer out of that in the last few days, after years, almost a decade, of being my illness(es). I just don’t know who I am? If I am not my illnesses, who am I?

Yes, the obvious, go back to all the other things. But that isn’t ME. The core me. That is what I need to work on now. Using descriptors, maybe I can narrow things down, help myself figure things out? But I think I will leave that for another post.

Back to the original thought; It’s been a long time since I have been able to look at myself and see something other than sick. Tonight, I had my first glimpse.

I have been dealing with Allergies, asthma, bowel issues, Endometriosis (suspected), flu, general intestinal problems, SAD, thyroid, and a myriad of other minor things. All of this collapsed on me this past week, when, while at work, I had breathing problems complicated by the flu and all my other issues. It set off actual anxiety in my brain. Not to say I have never had anxiety, just in this nagging, always wondering sort of way.

I had a decent day, my husband has learned to putter, and you can see it in him! His weight loss, the change brought on by his changed anti-depressant medication, his whole out look! He is still struggling, always will. It is a life long battle. But to see him actually …. dare I say? Happy? It eased my heart. It released a grip on me I hadn’t felt any more. I damned near broke.

My son is slowly improving from his bought of flu, and my baby girl (a cat) is actually coming to handle her medications like a major trooper! Even asking for them if I am late!?

My last dose of Prednisone was tonight, and while cough is not fully gone, it is easing. Could ease enough to stop needing pee pads, but that will come in time.

I decided to shower, help clear the lungs a bit.

That’s when I looked in the mirror. Not in the “let’s make sure I am not growing a horn” sort of way, but a “who are you” way. I hadn’t shaved my mustache in almost a week, I hadn’t plucked any random long black hairs from my chin, or shaved the uni-brow away. I hadn’t even looked at the dead peeling, scaly skin around my one eye that had begun to spread to the other eye. I did so then. I REALLY looked. I looked with a critical eye, with an eye I thought a stranger might use. A bitch stranger.

What I saw? Surprised me. The dry skin under my eye was 99% gone, I had to really squint and lift my lashes to see any evidence that the tiny blisters it came from were even there (one, for the record). I could see a few darker hairs on my upper lip, but it took moving my finger upwards to even feel them, and they were softening (the hormones SHOULDN’T be work already?). I had no dark chin hairs, and the ones that are always there seemed finer, lighter? Hell, I couldn’t even see any grey hairs trying to poke out.

Then I REALLY looked. Closer, deeper. I liked what I saw. Maybe the combination of being sick (flu), Prednisone, and Progesterone was doing something to me? I even have COLOUR on my cheeks. I can’t remember the last time I had. I am talking before I hit teen years. So ancient times. 😉 I have always need blush if I wanted to look “healthy”. Or at least that’s what my Mom would tell me, and magazines, and strangers. To be honest? I have quit using even just blush years ago. IF I had a “good day” and wanted to do it FOR ME, I would occasionally wear makeup. But maybe 3 times in 5 years?

So, I looked. I looked at me. I can’t tell what, if anything has changed. Not really. It could be the medications, or it could just be a better mental place. Whatever it is? I hope it lasts for a while. My pores seem tighter, skin a bit softer, less dry. My eyes don’t look so …. dead. Even the dark circles I have had the last 5 years seem to be fading (though, the lateness of the day has them coming back). Whatever it is, I like it.

I am even sitting here, listening to music as I type this. Enjoying it.

I don’t know if I will ever really figure out who I am. And really, that’s okay. I know I am awkward, weird, standoff-ish, bitchy, whiny, lazy, and a bunch of other words I have heard used I don’t like. But you know what? Whatever I am? I am me. All the good, all the bad.

I am FIERCELY loyal – I will fight your enemies to the death, if they hurt you. If I let you in, love you, it is for life. But if you abuse the trust, that love (and that takes … WOW that takes way to much), then, it is unlikely it will ever been earned back. If it is? Trust me, don’t break it a second time. I am AMAZING at freezing and ghosting you out of my life, and you will know why.

I am actually pretty easy-going, but with odd “has to be this way” type quirks. shrugs hard one to explain.

I might disagree, but I will listen to your side, and it may not seem like it at the time, I may even seem like I am ignoring you, but it is stewing in my brain. It might take time, or may never happen, but it sits there and I do try to understand you. I will be softer next time you bring up the subject. I do listen even if it doesn’t seem like it.

If you need me, I WILL be there. It may not be instant, it may not be long, but I WILL be there. To the point of dropping my own life in the ditch. If you need me? I am there.

Thing is? I don’t do ANY of it for anything. You owe me NOTHING. I don’t care. I don’t do “favours”, I don’t do the whole “if I do for you, you must for me”. The ONLY time I MIGHT say it’s a “favour” (TOO MANY QUOTES!!!), is if it means money. If I have so little, but you have greater need. I will give it to you. But I may ask for it back by a certain time. BUT I tell you up front. Never will I guilt you, not if I can help it. I will be straight forward. Some times to the point of hurtful, without meaning to be. If I do something wrong? TELL ME. I might be hurt, but I will get over that. I would rather know and fix the issue than let it fester. I’m a big girl. Just tell me.

Look, I am a jumbled mess, sometimes contradictory in nature. Like I said, I may never know who I am. And that’s okay. Because I am me. A mess, awkward, loving, loyal.

Just know? I am in a good place right now. And I have YOU to thank for that. You stuck by me, even if just in thought. And that has made ALL the difference.

What I do know? I need to stop letting my illnesses define me. Yes, they are a part of me, part of what makes me who I am. Sometimes that isn’t good.

I am not innocent, or perfect, or maybe even likable, I don’t know. And it doesn’t matter, not really. What matters now, is I work on liking myself. Without seeing the sick parts. It may not happen over night, hell, we have no clue if the hormone therapy is what will work, but without being able to do any test to figure it out, it is trial and error. Eventually something will work. Until then, I work on seeing myself for a person that is there in spite of the sick parts.

Just bear with me. I will still have my bad days, I will still probably bitch about it. But I am hoping  that will also come with better days, more days, where as I learn to like myself again, I have the good days.

The trick will be to share the good as well.

I will try.

You have stuck by me (you KNOW who you are! Hubby, Kid, Cat!, family, Friends. I love you!), I will try to do better for you as well. If I can do better for myself, I will be able to be there more for you.

Thank you!

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So many thoughts, so little brain

So much going on these days, anxiety, S.A.D, asthma, flu, money problems, and general stress. There is so much more. SO, SO, much more. My family’s health, my cats health … the list goes on.

But here’s the thing. I have also had some time to think. It’s not easy when your brain really isn’t an organ that wants to work correctly, but I’ve been giving it a go. Trying to break my problems down, not even so much to prioritize them, more to group them into chunks that I can handle. Much like you would cut a tough steak into tiny bites, throwing out what you can’t eat. That is what I am doing with my problems.

So, health is up first on the block. Right now, I have 2 (3) problems – 2 are linked. Let’s start with the easiest one, but the one causing me the most stress, worry, guilt, and adding to money problems – my asthma and the flu. This one, for some odd reason has me the most turned around.

side note I tend to feel the most guilt, and stress over things I can not control, or that I feel I should have been able to avoid.

back on track

NOW, I can say “what is done is done” but in the beginning, I felt a lot of pain and guilt for missing work, simply because I chose sleep and hiding at home over getting my flu shot. But, over the course of the almost 3 weeks I have now had effects of the 2 combined, And of course listening to the nurses and doctor at the hospital, I have come to realize, there is a very real possibility that while it may not have been as much time missed, I still would have had complications from this flu.

Most of this problem goes in the “what’s done is done” pile. Continue to treat the symptoms, rest as much as I can, and just let my body heal.

The money problem part, the missing so much work part, well that is hard to throw aside. I don’t work again until Sunday, that’s a whole week (almost $400 I lose) I won’t be working. Now, part of this I could solve, by calling work, telling them I can, and WILL work the Friday and Saturday shifts, but again, I need to stop and think. there is the fact the doctor told me that I need to stay off work for 5 days (still means I could work Fri & Sat), there is the fact I have already had one rebound sickness that complicated my asthma, and the fact that if I don’t heal 100% (for my body), and I get sick again I will miss even more time.

So, as hard as it is for me to let this one go? And I may take it out and dust it off as I feel better, I do need to let this one go. I’d rather borrow and beg money for a short-term than to risk my health further, meaning even more time away from work. Anytime I forget that, I just have to stop and think about being at work feeling like I was suffocating to death. Might help remind me to be lazy/careful.

Hell, tried (and did) to make brownies last night (was feel better), and it ended up causing me less sleep due to flared asthma. So, yeah. I need to learn patience and how to relax. RECOVER, is what I need to do. Let my body heal.

Now, for my other health problems. That has been a marathon, nothing to dismiss, and nothing to beat myself up over. Not that those facts stop me. ha! ***Lost train of thought, had to watch my cat – who is feeling better – tease the rabbit. Very funny stuff *** Oh, yes. Anyway, so as I have mentioned before, no test they have done yet has shown anything to be the cause of my pain and suffering. The only thing that gave myself, and my family doctor any glimmer of hope for some sort of treatment, or diagnoses came from the surgery. Adhesions caused my endometriosis.

Of course the gynecologist/surgeon denied the adhesions, which she later stated I was right. So of course, when my doc sent me back to her regarding a solid diagnoses for endometriosis, I was skeptical. THANKFULLY, after finding the mention of it in the pathology, she did agree that it could account for many (not all) of my problems.

side note I did hand her a list of EVERY single symptom I have ever had internally, and externally, since – ever. Actually, no. Not entirely true. Not every symptom. I know I forgot a few, and I did not put in every last one regarding what I knew to be linked to other problems (like my thyroid, or allergies). But symptoms I could not find linked to anything, or I was sure were able to tie into the endometriosis, THOSE I added, even the bowel problems.

back on track

Now, again, this is an issue that has no definitive test to say “YES! YOU HAVE THIS!”, so it is a trial and error of treatments. If one works, then that’s the problem. (OH, I forgot to add no sex drive to my symptoms list) So, due to me being an overweight smoker with asthma, we decided to try the least risky treatment first. Progesterone. (birth control is the first try. Depo I think she said?)

See, this one is hard to chunk up, or even find anything to dismiss. I do feel bad if I miss work because of it, or can’t do stuff with or for the family. But no real guilt or anything like that. Simply because it HAS been such a long haul trek. I just keep plugging along, and hope something works.

Now, I have been on the treatment for about 5 days? hmm Seems so long ago now, what with all the flu and breathing stuff. But, I think it might be helping? Also could be to soon to tell. After all, I am not doing much of anything because of being sick. What I DO know, if I am feeling “randy”, sort of? Not enough to feel up to actual sex. But I certainly enjoy teasing the husband. And I did give him a “hand” last night (which use to turn me on big time in the past, but hadn’t for … years), and I even got aroused a bit! AND, AND, it didn’t hurt! See, in the past, any time I would get aroused, it would feel very painful. Like someone was poking a needle into my vagina and clitoris. NOT pleasant. That didn’t happen this time. So, maybe the progesterone is working already?

As for all the rest of my pile? Not really much to decide. MY cat is being treated for the same asthma (complicated by the flu) I am. Sadly, she has way more meds for that than I do, and some of them she will be on the rest of her life. BUT, it is WONDERFUL to see her playing, and active again. Hell, like I mentioned above, she was teasing the rabbit. God, he so BADLY wants to just cuddle and play with her, but she just hisses and runs away. But slowly, I think she is warming to the idea? (no cabbits, both are fixed! hehe)

My family, well, they are old enough to take care of themselves. So I just do what I can, and am there if they need me. But once a Mom … always a mom. I can’t help but want to baby my son while he has this flu. But I do manage to refrain a bit.

Hubby is doing AMAZING. Lost a ton of weight, just from stopping his Coke (a cola) intake. And we still eat fairly healthily, though very difficult when broke. The crap stuff is just so much cheaper. So we are doing our best to add tomatoes and lettuce at least (cheapest veggies. Everything else is too much money), and try to make things as healthy as we can. After all, This will pass and we will be able to buy groceries again, don’t want to get out of the habit of eating good meals.

No commitment yet on the smoking front. BUT, the husband has approached the doctor, on his own, to talk about quitting! For now though, they are working on tweaking his antidepressants, and getting those stable before adding any stop smoking aids. Even his blood pressure is down! YA HUNNY!!!

Some days, it really is hard to see the way through when there is so much chaos around. But I am learning to just take it one step at a time.

My health and taking care of me, is one area I need to learn to deal with first, before worrying about others. I always assumed I did (after all, if whining and complaining aren’t thinking about yourself first, what is?) But I have learned that isn’t always the case. So I am working on it. I can’t help others if I am out of the race.

Hard to fight on sometimes. Then you get a glimmer of hope, and the fight is renewed!

I have my family and friends to thank for that. For sticking by me, even when I wanted to give up.

Thank you!

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