Creative spark [DOC UPDATED – TWICE]

I’ve decided to have this post, and attached document, as a place to put my random creative thoughts. I am hoping that but posting this it may spark my creative a bit more. force me outside my comfort zone, and allow my ideas a chance to untangle from the depths of my brain where things go to die.

I’ll just update the document from time to time with my stuff, maybe? I really do suck at follow through.

I’m not directly asking for any feedback, I am not doing it for that, but if you feel you want to give feedback, please do so gentle as this is a very fragile thing right now. I’d hate to lose any forward momentum just because of some criticism. Maybe one day I will be able to handle more than that?

Now, that’s not to say I can’t handle some! I’m not that bad. (I hope?) just nothing to picky or …. well nothing like “oh, that sucked! no plot or flow, and the spelling was worse than my dogs. And don’t even get me STARTED on the grammar!” or “Oh my god? You call THAT a drawing? I saw a better face in the patterns of rain on the sidewalk”

THAT would kill me!

Something like “Hey. Cool, nice start there. Some polish on that and it has a chance.” Or “Just curious if you meant there or their in the 4th sentence? I wasn’t sure of the direction depending on the word”, hell even if you said “Might have missed it, but noticed the nose was upside down on that last drawing, Is that intended?”

Those I (think?) I could handle. ๐Ÿ˜‰

Yes, I am a baby! But the spark needs a breeze, not a downpour.

 

Besides, I am hoping that nurturing my creativity will be the tools I need to fight any depression, or hum drums, or whatever. *shrugs*

Hell, maybe if I ever get any money I’ll even take singing lessons, see if I can’t get my singing voice back? (Maybe not …)

Creative Snippets – 73116

[UPDATE]

Decided I would just upload my updated documents as a whole new link. Sort of a “progress” view for myself, and on the odd chance anyone wanted to see any differences?

Creative Snippets – 81416

[UPDATE – 2]

Creative Snippets – 82316

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Health update:

Doctor appointment today.

Here’s the update:
Doc is pretty sure I have multiple problems (well duh!) BUT, doc is as convinced as I am that the main pain problem is in fact endometriosis because on my history of having it, and (THIS is why I keep a health journal) because of symptom cycles.

So, to confirm (since nothing has shown legions) this, I need to have blood tests first or second day of my next “bad flare”.

If confirmed, Then I have several options (with one clear choice). Of course, none are a guarantee, but should be the answer?

So, my options:
1.) Chemical menopause (which I could have chosen today had I wanted to)
– NO! My moods are already all over the map, and because I am showing signs of anger (more than “average”) That is not actually a real option at this time. (I mean, unless I want to kill folks or something stupid???)

2.) Just treat the symptoms
– So I continue as I am. Try to find a pain-killer OTHER than Percocet (which I am doing ANYWAY in the interim). And just learn to deal with it, and hope we find treatments that work.

3.) Find the problem hormones and treat those.
– This is the one that gets my vote. Yes, in the end it MIGHT mean resorting to number 1, but it is a gentler, more controlled method. We try to keep all hormones level, and keep any spikes to a minimum.

(This one is a non-options)
4.) Do nothing, barely manage pain, and wait for lesions or cysts to show up, then have surgery. (which COULD happen anyway, depending on the success of treatments.)

Once this particular part of my problem is dealt with, then it SHOULD be the band-aid to several problems. The pain, the cramps (but maybe not the spasms – yeah, there actually is a difference. Spasms are more random, and less often. Usually less painful), and the blood and lining from shedding. Also, my moods? maybe.

What it might NOT “cure”, would be my shoulder/upper back nerve problem, my upper left back/kidney issue – which we think we have that one “fixed” with what I am doing now (the softeners, Ensures at break time, Busapan, and no acid reducer).

So, IF my journal/records are right, in about 5 – 8 days I SHOULD be able to go for my blood tests.

So, maybe, just maybe in 2 or 3 weeks, I will be on the road to “mostly healthy”. ๐Ÿ˜‰

Very optimistic now.

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Opinions

โ€œFew people are capable of expressing with equanimity opinions which differ from the prejudices of their social environment. Most people are incapable of forming such opinions.”

(Essay to Leo Baeck, 1953)โ€
โ€•ย Albert Einstein

 

Everyone has opinions, those that don’t? Either don’t know the subject matter (as in, don’t even know it exists), or are lying and wish to protect their views. At least that has been my findings regarding opinions.

That said, I have opinions, strong ones, weak ones, changing ones. But I tend to keep them off-line, or debate them with those I know, even if they don’t share my views. Why? Many reasons, but not because I fear change*, but the biggest reason is because of my inability to articulate my thoughts and feelings. I try, my son is amazing at it (even if I disagree with his views at times), but I struggle just to keep my mind focused in every day situations, meaning debating and articulation of my views is next to impossible for me. I can think it clearly, but when I open my mouth to speak, the thoughts rush, jumble, and twist to make it out. It never is a straight line of thought.

That being said, I will try give a brief voice (well, my brief) to my views.

There is a lot, I mean a LOT of shit going down in this world right now, and frankly, with my health still nowhere near the 100% (or even 70%) mark, I try to keep informed, but without too much detail. That being said, In brief, Trump is bad, molestation, harassment, rape, etc is bad, many (maybe even most) men are bad. War, fear, anger, all bad (but some, inevitable – I get angry, even when I shouldn’t). MANY things are bad. Most of what is in the news is bad. I can’t won’t post on all of it, so I will pick the top three: Trump, Guns, and sexual harassment/rape/etc. I will keep most super short.

Trump: Not much I can say. I can’t tell if he really is mentally unstable, or doing these things to distract from what he is doing. Probably a bit of both. Either way? Scary fucking dude who really should not be in power.

Guns: Don’t like them. Ideally, they would not exist. But, they do. I have fired them. I like to fire them. It’s fun to see who can hit the target the best etc. But That’s as far as it goes. I think even countries with strict laws could do better, but I have no clue how. I listen to my son on this. He is a gun enthusiast. As for the USA? I honestly don’t see a way out for them. At least, not cheaply or easily. But I feel that it will involve “dethroning” the NRA in some way. They need way less influence. I have no clue how.

The sexual stuff: I have NO CLUE where to start with this. I know MANY people who think that “ALL MEN MUST DIE”, I know some that think they should be around BUT, “ALL MEN ARE EVIL” hell, I have even know women that “stand by all the men, no matter what” (that last one makes me shake my head). I swing around many of the views, never quite landing on one as my “spot”. If forced to say a solid view, I guess I’d have to state that I don’t think it is all men, but the good ones are too few and far between, and rarely there when you need them. AND, if all you look for is the bad, you will NEVER, EVER see the good.

Hell, I married a good guy, I am trying to raise a good guy. NOW, if you are talking perfect? Has NEVER fucked up, Has NEVER made a mistake? Nope, they do not exist. BUT, if you mean a good guy that when he makes a mistake, or fucks up, once he realizes, apologizes, and stops doing that stupid thing, and has never raped? Then, yeah. They are out there.

As for speaking out? I find that one difficult. There are too many grey areas. I am a “Me Too” story, many of them. But I am also some one who, in younger, drunker years, have groped, and coerced men. Hell, I’d use what I had to get free drinks etc. Do I do that now? NO! I know better (plus I am married). Thing is? Maybe not all women, but oh so many I have known, or do know, have done shitty things like that when younger, drunk, and oh so stupid. BUT, once they were shown they were wrong they changed. (for me it was more of an “ah ha” moment – where I had something done to me, that I had JUST done to a guy …).

I have always been given the benefit of the doubt, or told “that was the past”, yet men who change, they are accused of not being able to change. Why? What makes me different?

Now, that does not mean I think men who are serial abusers/whatever should be forgiven, or not shamed. I am saying if it is something that happened when much younger/years ago (I don’t mean rape – rape is NEVER forgivable), or only a few times, and it is obvious they have changed, why should they not be given the same consideration I am given?

I don’t know. Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe men are born evil, maybe they can’t change. Maybe it is built in to them and we should just lock them all up before they can do anything. (okay, a tad heavy-handed on that. But that is an ACTUAL conversation I over heard at work with some customers. shudder)

I have no answers, my mind is in constant flux on this one. I know that it has to change, I know women NEED to have the same (NOT more, but THE SAME) power/status/opportunities that men do. And YES men need to STOP thinking they are biologically incapable of not doing “the thing”.

I just have no answers on how we can get there. But, a good place to start? Men need to stop abusing/harassing/etc, and good men need to speak up and tell the bad ones to stop. THAT is a very good place to start.

 

 

 

 

 

*I do have fear of change. But not of opinion. Of surroundings, and placement changes yes. But not my mind. There I welcome change.

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Love letter

This is a very brief love letter to all who have, are, will support me.

My dearest friends and family,

I need to express my heartfelt love and appreciation for all you have done for me. The support and love I have felt from you, The little and the large things you have done for me. I will never be able to put to words what it means to me.

I haven’t said it enough, but I love you. I love that you have stood by me at my worst, I love that you lifted me up when I was at my lowest. And even more, you have been there for me for the best.

I love you, I love you, I love you.

Some of you have been my rocks, some have been my heart, and I have even had a life line when I was in the darkest of places and couldn’t find my way.

Chronic health problems are not just hard on the body, but the mind, and relationships, and you have been a constant, my shoreline while I was tossed at sea.

I can never thank you enough, I will never be able to say I love you enough. But know that I will try.

My heart is in pieces from pain, from giving some away. But it is so much larger, and whole because of the pieces you gave back to me.

Without you, my light shines dimmer, my heart is smaller. Thank you for giving me something to hold on to in my hour of need.

With all my eternal gratitude and love,

Susan

Posted in Depression, General, Happy, Health, Life | Leave a comment

Health and what not

I have no clue what I have updated on, and what I haven’t. I also can’t remember where I have updated. So, this will be a recap/update. I will TRY to keep it brief, as I need to get to bed.

When I last saw doc, we decided I should try a stool softener, as we suspect the pain in my side, ribs/chest, and back might be from the waste coming out of my stomach already blocked up and hard. I had been on it about 3, maybe 4 days when I began to get flu-like symptoms; aches in neck, shoulders, headaches, and dizzy spells. I was also getting diarrhea. So, I quit taking the stool softener and began taking flu/cold medicine.

Here’s the interesting part. For those 3 or 4 days where I felt like I had the flu? I also had no pain in my side or back (still the odd pain in chest – MAYBE one sharp stab every few days – but not ribs). NOW, 3 days after stopping the softener, the twinges have started, I am “backed up”, and just general bowel issues. BUT, the flu symptoms are mostly gone.

Thing is, stool softeners take water from your body to make the stool softer. I am already someone prone to dehydration (mild), and serious dehydration (which can get VERY serious) can mimic flu symptoms. head meet desk – repeat. I can’t believe I didn’t think of that. I am now going to try the softeners again, BUT, I am going to be much more diligent with the water intake, and if I get “the flu” again, I will also add something like Gatorade or something similar to up my electrolytes and stuff. I just HAVE to figure out the right combination.

The good news, is I had 4 days pain-free (well, 2 truly pain-free – 2 easing of pain), so if this IS the way to go, I know it is an easy solution, just a matter of following through with the water intake! I CAN WILL do this!

 

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Update(s)

Saw doc today. Not concerned at all about my “dehydration”. I just need to be vigilant with my water intake and lotions. Not super concerned about my surgery are pain, “Well, you went back to work quickly. It’s going to be awhile.” The way he said awhile, combined with what we talked about last time, I could be looking around January or February (maybe longer) before that is completely gone. PLUS if we can figure out just what is going on with my bowels, it might help ease that as well.

Now, as for my bowel. Scheduling is one issue (as in, my bowels don’t WANT or HAVE a set time frame for going). He seemed puzzled by that. Not like he’d never heard of it, but just with my other symptoms, I think? So for now, we are going to try “out of the box” stuff. Nothing extremely, more like the edge of the box. hehe

This time, we are going to try a softener. Even though 99.9999% of the time what is in the toilet is akin to oatmeal with a dash of extra water, he thinks it might be coming out of the stomach dry. WHICH, when I think about my symptoms with OUT the adhesion pain, it makes sense.

If that doesn’t seem to work, or goes the opposite way we want, then we will look at motility of the bowel. If it is moving to slowly (which we’ve wondered before, and I am pretty sure is a big factor), then we will try medication to speed things up. Right now, he suspects that the motility problem might be from having the fecal matter coming out so hard and dry from the stomach. Which, if it does what we hope it does, the softener should solve that.

I am very hopeful right now. We have taken one problem out of the equation (the adhesions), and can now figure out why my bowels hate movement, all meanings of the word (it itself has poor motility, and my physically moving – work, walking … MOVING – is causing problems). The physical movement pain could just be from all mentioned above. So here’s hoping the softener is a miracle. (NO ONE tell Mom she was right if this works. I’ll NEVER EVER hear the end of it!!)

THANKFULLY he did NOT seem mad or upset I needed my Percocet for more days than I like. Yes, I did “forget” to mention 2 of the days I took an extra half. BUT, I was honest about needing it for 4 of the days last week, and 2 (of 3) this week. Plus, I told him that I add one extra plain extra strength Tylenol with it when really bad (to avoid taking a full Percocet). And he reassured me that was fine. WHEW! I was a bit concerned about that.

Yep, overall, it was a good visit, and I feel good about it. Oh, sure, I will probably whine, or feel low if I get a bad week or two like I had. But honestly, in the long run, I think my spirits will stay positive with this. The fact we know it is NOT cancer, or other “big issue” is helpful. Not even IBS. I AM kicking myself for not asking him about testing for food allergies (reaction to a wintergreen candy – long story), that’s small stuff for now, as I don’t get any major issues.

Now, just need to figure out my sleep pattern, and work on my health (and smoking), and I will be damned near human! ๐Ÿ˜‰

I will say this again (and MANY more times in the future) – IT PAYS TO ADVOCATE AND FIGHT FOR YOUR HEALTH (or families health). Again, stand up for your health, demand solutions, if you know your body, if you know something is wrong*, and ESPECIALLY if you have a doctor who agrees, FIGHT for what you need to fix the problem.

*BY THE WAY I do NOT mean you think you might have an issue, read some horrific health thing on-line that matches some of your problems and go SCREAMING for tests for it. PLEASE be reasonable and responsible with your assertiveness in your health. SO many doctors HATE patients who start discussions with “I saw on-line …” BUT, if you do it right, your doctor can come to enjoy your information. I was lucky enough to have a doctor who works WITH me, and when I say “I looked up XYZ on-line, and this is what I was wondering ….”, we sit down and talk about it. I have the information with me, the reasons I think it MIGHT be that issue, and he breaks it down for me as to why it may, or may NOT be that thing.

It is why, when he suggests a softener even though my stool is ALREADY very soft, I LISTEN, and try he’s possible solution.

We are a team.

 

Also, I am VERY, VERY glad to have a family that sticks by me, and friends that support me (even when they are sick of me, even when I feel completely and utterly alone.

“Always Keep Fighting was very much my mantra during most, if not all, of my health.

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