Creative spark [DOC UPDATED – THIRD TIME]

I’ve decided to have this post, and attached document, as a place to put my random creative thoughts. I am hoping that but posting this it may spark my creative a bit more. force me outside my comfort zone, and allow my ideas a chance to untangle from the depths of my brain where things go to die.

I’ll just update the document from time to time with my stuff, maybe? I really do suck at follow through.

I’m not directly asking for any feedback, I am not doing it for that, but if you feel you want to give feedback, please do so gentle as this is a very fragile thing right now. I’d hate to lose any forward momentum just because of some criticism. Maybe one day I will be able to handle more than that?

Now, that’s not to say I can’t handle some! I’m not that bad. (I hope?) just nothing to picky or …. well nothing like “oh, that sucked! no plot or flow, and the spelling was worse than my dogs. And don’t even get me STARTED on the grammar!” or “Oh my god? You call THAT a drawing? I saw a better face in the patterns of rain on the sidewalk”

THAT would kill me!

Something like “Hey. Cool, nice start there. Some polish on that and it has a chance.” Or “Just curious if you meant there or their in the 4th sentence? I wasn’t sure of the direction depending on the word”, hell even if you said “Might have missed it, but noticed the nose was upside down on that last drawing, Is that intended?”

Those I (think?) I could handle. ūüėČ

Yes, I am a baby! But the spark needs a breeze, not a downpour.

 

Besides, I am hoping that nurturing my creativity will be the tools I need to fight any depression, or hum drums, or whatever. shrugs

Hell, maybe if I ever get any money I’ll even take singing lessons, see if I can’t get my singing voice back? (Maybe not …)

Creative Snippets – 73116

[UPDATE]

Decided I would just upload my updated documents as a whole new link. Sort of a “progress” view for myself, and on the odd chance anyone wanted to see any differences?

Creative Snippets – 81416

[UPDATE – 2]

Creative Snippets – 82316

[UPDATE – 3]

******

In a land far, far away, there lived people I knew very little about. These people had lives, and loves, that were much like my own. Yet I envied them, much as they surely envied me.

Neither people knew of the envy the other held. They assumed that each were suffering worse lives than the other. They tried to imagine that the other people were like them, but as is the nature of the human heart, they tended to be self absorbed and could not imagine someone having a life worse than their own.

Those that had travelled, and visited these other people knew the truth. Knew that other people in far away places also suffered, and in some cases much worse fates. They would come back to their lands and try to tell their people how others were just like them. How some had it easy, and some worse. But because they had not seen it for themselves, they dismissed these claims as falsehoods meant to take them from their own worries, and use what little resources they had for people they were sure had it better.

One day, one of the leaders had enough. He was so sure the other lands had it better he chose to arm his people, trained them to fight, and kill. He led them to battle these other lands.

Since both sides had thought the same thought, they met in the middle, both sides thinking that surely they were right, as the other side had weapons and knew how to fight. They must be better off.

The few who saw the darkness of those thoughts and actions left both sides, to be called traitor and enemy. Those that reminded to fight grew more darkness and hatered in their hearts. They taught the next generations their hatered.

Each generation would produce a few traitors who would leave their lands. They would travel many years to the outliers and find others of their own heart.

Unfortunately it was not enough. Because as traitors left to join them, they had those in their own ranks through the generations who would leave to be with those that had hate in their hearts. They grew in numbers, but not quickly enough. After thousands of years, the haters over ran their planet, and the planet died.

This continues to happen on other planets, only a few over come. Only a tiny percentage manages to spread kindness and caring above the hate before the planet dies.

Will this planet be one of those small few?
Will the traitors and enemy be louder than the haters?
Who will step up to spread the love and save this planet?

*******

She stood in front of the window. All the lights off, watching the large fluffy flakes fall rapidly from the sky. They sparkled like gems in the street lights. The tree branches grew white and heavy, dipping lower to the ground, as if they wished to be part of it.

As the snow continued to fall damping the sounds of the world, one branch, then another got their wish and would fall to the ground with a dull thud. Leaving behind for just a moment, a brown scar across the white blanket. But as quickly as the scars appeared, it would be covered up, the only evidence it was there the small depression in the blanket. But in time, even that too would disappear.

She gave a little snort, thinking back to when her mother, or maybe it was her father or some other random person, told her how it was a metaphor for life. Maybe it was, mistakes can be fixed, or be hidden, but much like the spring thaw, things tend to always have a way to show back up, looking more decayed and slimey than when it happened. All because it was covered up.

Tomorrow was ‘his’ trial. Would ‘his’ past actions be turned to the light? Would they look more decayed and slimey than when it happened? Or would he once again come out looking like the snow drops and crocuses that pop out of the decay?

She started to shake things about being in front of yet another jury, reliving the horror she felt so many years ago. How can they see his memories as so accurate, yet veiw all of Thiers as if they were stupid women who couldn’t keep a thought longer than a gnats life?

She turned from the window, wondering when this nightmare would end. When would she be able to look at snow, or anything, with out it coming back to ‘him’.

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Working poor

The problem with being in debt, is once it starts it is near impossible to get out from under it. And SO, SO much in this world is designed to keep us under.

I would truly love to make this an eloquent post that includes facts, and links, unfortunately, that is not a strength for me. But I shall try.

You see, I am the working poor. I have a decent enough job, with decent benefits, but I have a spouse who can not work, but isn’t legally classed as disabled (mental health problems are still hard to convince governments to accept. And pay for), we have accumulated debt from over the years, including some¬†that are not even in our names! Most of it has been shuffled from one pile to the next for over 20 years, some is newer.

Thing is, about 70% of that debt was for things that we needed. Like food, rent, and utilities. 20% was for frivolous things such as TV’s, Gifts for the kid(s) and family on holidays, and special occasions, along with “non-essential” things like a home phone, or gas for the car, and “treat food”. That last 10% is split in to portions I can’t quite figure the percentages of, so I am grouping them: vehicles (never more than one at a time, only the last one was new), repairs on said vehicles, entertainment, clothes, cigarettes*, and toiletries, and other stuff.

Thing is? On paper (yes, even with smoking) we should have been able to afford almost everything over the years. The problem is? Those calculation don’t factor in bills that are extra-large (an extra cold winter, drafty houses, or even unplanned expenses like emergency travel). It doesn’t account for the late fees, the sick time, or taxes getting messed up or not paid enough from employers. It doesn’t factor in the extra costs of children who get sick and need medications, or health problems.

Yes, on paper we should have a savings account, we should be not wealthy, but ok.

But we aren’t.

Those extras nickel and dime us until the day we die! Health problems crop up, sickness happens, cars break down, and jobs are lost.

Shit happens in life, some in our control, some not. It sucks. And we borrow from Peter to pay Paul. We do these things to try to be “responsible adults”, we do it to eat, we do it so our children can have the best, or what we couldn’t. We try, and many times we fail.

Sometimes you can’t tell the working poor. They are well dressed, their house are full of “stuff”, they buy extras with their groceries, they own expensive pets.

But look closely. Those clothes are borrowed, hand me downs, gifts, or the only thing they’ve bought in over 5 years so they could look good for a job interview, or a special occasion they had no choice in going. That stuff in their house? Again, like the clothes. Hand me downs, gifts, or found on the side of a road. A few things are newer, even broken, they paid for it because they had to (hand me downs and freebies only help so much!).

The extras on their grocery bill? A sick kid who can only eat one thing (or few things), a reward for a child for dealing with 2 weeks of the exact same cheap assed meal, or simply an impulse buy BECAUSE they have had the same meal for over a week. Or hell, sometimes it is depressing, and hard to sacrifice and go without. So some days you spend money you shouldn’t and deal with the late fees.

As for those pets? Perhaps they were gotten when times weren’t so tough? Or maybe they found him abandoned, left to die, so they took it in to take it to a shelter, but feel in love, and didn’t want to have the ONLY shelter (with an euthanasia¬†policy) in town take the animal because of past experiences? Animals, contrary to law, are NOT property, they are family! We mourn them (sometimes more than actual family), we treat them like royalty, we hurt when they hurt. They are our children, companions, our saviours. They ARE family. Once attached, you don’t just give them away willy nilly (or at all).

It is how debt happens.

For example, you could be JUST starting to be in a place for moving forward, “playing catch-up”, no longer sliding deeper down, when BOOM! You get sick, or you find out your car needs shocks, an axle, a domahicky.

Shit happens.

Right now? It feels like things might just catch up and cave in. But I have to look past that and keep picking away at the debt, even if it is only a dollar more than minimum, it will chip it away (in 75 years …)

 

 

*Adding this to debt pile even though we made sure NEVER to use debt for it, the cost of smoking over the years made us use debt for other things. So, ya. It is not THE cause of our troubles, but it is a big factor.

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Some days

As much as the antidepressants are helping, I still have days where the bad voices try to tear me down.

You know the best? “Don’t look in the mirror, you are ugly!”, “Hey, see? They don’t like you as much as other people.”, And of course THE WORST one (because it is a giant fear not born of depression) … “Oh, HER illness isn’t real. She’s taking, hell her doctors haven’t even found a cause.”

That last one is hugely in my head today. In part because work is getting harder and harder. So many days I am SURE I won’t make it. I do, but at what cost? Even my days off are filled with pain now.

I am trying to hide it from my family, and even at work. “Because the customers shouldn’t see you in pain.” (And I have a feeling, work doesn’t believe me. And probably many of my co-workers)

The antidepressants help me fight past that. But I am having a very rough night for aches and pain, the rainy, dreary weather is piling on … It makes it hard not to listen to those voices.

Look, I KNOW I am weird and very hard to be friends with. I have always known that. Doesn’t stop it from hurting, but I know. So when the depression roars, and I see co-workers talking amongst themselves, I feel … Left out. It reaffirms those voices in my head. I see others with real illnesses, in pain, the r suffering probably more than me, and I feel guilt. I feel guilt that I am more vocal about my pain,ifeel guilt that they get more understanding and sympathy ….

I am not a good person. And it sucks. I TRY to be friendly,I TRY to make friends. I just don’t know how. And with what I just said? Why would anyone want to be friends?

Yeah …

Think I will go take a percoct or 10 and go to bed ….

Maybe a fresh start when I wake up will snap me out of this? I am not the only one with problems. And others have it a FUCK load worse than me.

I just have to keep sucking it up, and push through with a smile and not a single word. I haven’t done the greatest job at that, but I’d like to think I am hiding it better than I was?

Maybe the customers see it (since there’s been a few times I’ve stumbled, or zoned etc from the pain), but if they have? They aren’t drawing attention to it. Before I “sucked it up” customers would comment on how unwell I looked. I don’t get that any more. So I must be hiding it well! Which is what they wanted. “Perhaps you should … Not show how you’re feeling?” (Not exact wording)

Okay, see? This WHOLE post was me whining. That’s it. Bed time.

I will probably delete this post when I wake up. But for now, the whiny, “wahhhh I am hurting – physically and mentally – looooooveeeeee meeeeee”, side needed to let it out before I burst.

Ugh

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Fast update

Just a very fast update before work:

The flu is now gone, a small cough is lingering (mainly because of my asthma), but otherwise good. Still not sleeping the best, but MUCH improved.

Now, for other things, doc gave hubby and I new medication that is for depression, but is supposed to help quit smoking as well? Now, let me tell you …. I knew I had depression, I did NOT think it was THAT bad. I always just pushed my lazy ass past it the best I could …

WELL, let me tell you, it is not a HUGE change in many ways, but subtle, and just surprising. I actually feel less bitchy (hey, still whine about my health, but come on! It SUCKS! LOL), and I can look in a mirror without cringing?!! Also? No where near as paranoid when it comes to what others are thinking of me. Frankly? I just don’t care. Like me, don’t like me, hell hate me. Don’t care. I like who I like, and those who like me? Show it. I have my family and friends, so that’s all that matters.

Oh, and as for the smoking? Not done yet … but, I hope soon?? (Work in progress) Hubby is doing GREAT though!

So, ya. Gotta run, must eat, dress etc before work.

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WOWSER

I probably don’t need to warn you guys any more. I am pretty sure most know by know to expect TMI stuff regarding my bowels here?

But, in case anyone comes by, I’ll add this TMI

Now, on with the post.

Been a very rough few days. I was fighting what I thought was a cold or flu (again), but it hadn’t really done much other than make me very stuffed up.

The condensed version until now: Saw doc Thursday.

Friday: Worked 4 hours. After work I had blood tests. By the night I felt just wrecked. Stuffed up, nauseous, coughing so bad I almost pass out, and I could feel it going to my lungs.

I started my Prednisone. Called work about not going in so they could find someone.

Went to bed.

Saturday: woke to hubby telling me work had called looking for me. Night manager hadn’t told daytime I wasn’t coming in. Ugh. Hubby straightened it out.

By after noon I could not breathe. Puffers not working.

Went to hospital.

Check for heart attack.

Given meds via nebulizer.

Better, but not best.

Sent home.

I got a few hours here and there of sleep, but not much.

That whole time I was getting very little sleep. Still getting very little sleep. But at least now I can even if it is only 2 hours at a time.

Still struggling with my breathing. Like I just can’t quite get enough air. I sit outside from time to time, it helps. And I have the window open in the bedroom, always do.

The coughing is the worst. Everything is pulled or strained. Even my tongue is swollen a bit. And (TMI part) it has now started to cause me to not just pee when I cough … But I now also have diarrhea, SOOOO ….. As you can imagine …

That started with me noticing blood on my pee pad this morning. So I figured I better try to poop. Yep, sad life I lead when I know blood means I have to go, or I have gone.

What I hadn’t counted on, was once I started? It would not stop (if I coughed). So, now I suffer.

There’s more. But I must try to sleep.

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Doctor’s appointment

So I saw doc today. For many reasons; Heart beat (extra thud is back rarely), deja vu and shaking/dizzy spells etc is going more frequent, stop smoking, depression, and check on specialist. I am sure there were other things that popped up, but I am having a brain-dead day.

So, new things, he feels the dizzy/deja vu etc is one of two things, either a type of migraine (apparently that’s a thing?), or very low blood pressure (and yeah, maybe seizures, but like .0000001% chance?). His money appears to be on the low blood pressure, since mine is usually low to begin with. shrugs

The depression and stop smoking will be taken care of with one med (we hope?) as he feels it is not a good sign (tired or not) that I am breaking down in tears so dang often for minor reasons.

ALL of the above, plus my existing conditions, he feels has been getting so much worse as of late due to stress. I mean, logically I KNEW stress hormones can make physical and mental conditions worse, it’s just, I never thought of that? I mean, I know I am stressed, but I don’t feel any more stressed than usual? Just annoyed and frustrated, and feel like quitting everything? Okay, yeah, re-reading that, I see it. Shut up.

NOW, the undecided news, the internist he referred me to has not yet responded. On the one hand, that is good! It means he isn’t like the others and just out right dismissing me. On the other hand, it could be bad, he might not have gotten to my referral yet, which means when he does, and if he rejects me, that is extra time taken off of referring me to someone else.

Like I said, undecided for that.

So, he called me (after hours) to apologize for being rushed, and has ordered blood work that he wants done ASAP.¬†I had a dizzy spell while in his office. UGH, and apparently not only did my pressure drop 20 points from sitting to standing (a very bad thing?) my heart beat was irregular. SO ..¬†He also is ordering an …. oh, I think it was a ECG? It’s the one you wear (portable) for x number of hours/days that checks your heartbeat and stuff.

And now that my nausea and bowels have settled, I might finally be able to have my nap I so desperately need.

THEN I need to write a mock letter that he can use to send off to the accommodation committee, AGAIN (3rd time!) that will maybe finally say what it needs to for them to move me off till. Because apparently this last letter was TOO specific, and even though he meant it for multiple positions, his wording allows them to ONLY consider one, which is filled. I don’t know. This is why he wants me to help, hoping that maybe my “non-doctor talk” might be what helps?

And people wonder why I am stressed? I worry about my family, I worry about my job, I worry about money, and I do this all while I am suffering some unknown chronic health issue. Plus some known ones. Nope, no stress.

Okay. NOW I go nap.

Posted in depression, General, Health, IBD, Life, symptoms | 5 Comments