Creative spark [DOC UPDATED – THIRD TIME]

I’ve decided to have this post, and attached document, as a place to put my random creative thoughts. I am hoping that but posting this it may spark my creative a bit more. force me outside my comfort zone, and allow my ideas a chance to untangle from the depths of my brain where things go to die.

I’ll just update the document from time to time with my stuff, maybe? I really do suck at follow through.

I’m not directly asking for any feedback, I am not doing it for that, but if you feel you want to give feedback, please do so gentle as this is a very fragile thing right now. I’d hate to lose any forward momentum just because of some criticism. Maybe one day I will be able to handle more than that?

Now, that’s not to say I can’t handle some! I’m not that bad. (I hope?) just nothing to picky or …. well nothing like “oh, that sucked! no plot or flow, and the spelling was worse than my dogs. And don’t even get me STARTED on the grammar!” or “Oh my god? You call THAT a drawing? I saw a better face in the patterns of rain on the sidewalk”

THAT would kill me!

Something like “Hey. Cool, nice start there. Some polish on that and it has a chance.” Or “Just curious if you meant there or their in the 4th sentence? I wasn’t sure of the direction depending on the word”, hell even if you said “Might have missed it, but noticed the nose was upside down on that last drawing, Is that intended?”

Those I (think?) I could handle. 😉

Yes, I am a baby! But the spark needs a breeze, not a downpour.

 

Besides, I am hoping that nurturing my creativity will be the tools I need to fight any depression, or hum drums, or whatever. shrugs

Hell, maybe if I ever get any money I’ll even take singing lessons, see if I can’t get my singing voice back? (Maybe not …)

Creative Snippets – 73116

[UPDATE]

Decided I would just upload my updated documents as a whole new link. Sort of a “progress” view for myself, and on the odd chance anyone wanted to see any differences?

Creative Snippets – 81416

[UPDATE – 2]

Creative Snippets – 82316

[UPDATE – 3]

******

In a land far, far away, there lived people I knew very little about. These people had lives, and loves, that were much like my own. Yet I envied them, much as they surely envied me.

Neither people knew of the envy the other held. They assumed that each were suffering worse lives than the other. They tried to imagine that the other people were like them, but as is the nature of the human heart, they tended to be self absorbed and could not imagine someone having a life worse than their own.

Those that had travelled, and visited these other people knew the truth. Knew that other people in far away places also suffered, and in some cases much worse fates. They would come back to their lands and try to tell their people how others were just like them. How some had it easy, and some worse. But because they had not seen it for themselves, they dismissed these claims as falsehoods meant to take them from their own worries, and use what little resources they had for people they were sure had it better.

One day, one of the leaders had enough. He was so sure the other lands had it better he chose to arm his people, trained them to fight, and kill. He led them to battle these other lands.

Since both sides had thought the same thought, they met in the middle, both sides thinking that surely they were right, as the other side had weapons and knew how to fight. They must be better off.

The few who saw the darkness of those thoughts and actions left both sides, to be called traitor and enemy. Those that reminded to fight grew more darkness and hatered in their hearts. They taught the next generations their hatered.

Each generation would produce a few traitors who would leave their lands. They would travel many years to the outliers and find others of their own heart.

Unfortunately it was not enough. Because as traitors left to join them, they had those in their own ranks through the generations who would leave to be with those that had hate in their hearts. They grew in numbers, but not quickly enough. After thousands of years, the haters over ran their planet, and the planet died.

This continues to happen on other planets, only a few over come. Only a tiny percentage manages to spread kindness and caring above the hate before the planet dies.

Will this planet be one of those small few?
Will the traitors and enemy be louder than the haters?
Who will step up to spread the love and save this planet?

*******

She stood in front of the window. All the lights off, watching the large fluffy flakes fall rapidly from the sky. They sparkled like gems in the street lights. The tree branches grew white and heavy, dipping lower to the ground, as if they wished to be part of it.

As the snow continued to fall damping the sounds of the world, one branch, then another got their wish and would fall to the ground with a dull thud. Leaving behind for just a moment, a brown scar across the white blanket. But as quickly as the scars appeared, it would be covered up, the only evidence it was there the small depression in the blanket. But in time, even that too would disappear.

She gave a little snort, thinking back to when her mother, or maybe it was her father or some other random person, told her how it was a metaphor for life. Maybe it was, mistakes can be fixed, or be hidden, but much like the spring thaw, things tend to always have a way to show back up, looking more decayed and slimey than when it happened. All because it was covered up.

Tomorrow was ‘his’ trial. Would ‘his’ past actions be turned to the light? Would they look more decayed and slimey than when it happened? Or would he once again come out looking like the snow drops and crocuses that pop out of the decay?

She started to shake things about being in front of yet another jury, reliving the horror she felt so many years ago. How can they see his memories as so accurate, yet veiw all of Thiers as if they were stupid women who couldn’t keep a thought longer than a gnats life?

She turned from the window, wondering when this nightmare would end. When would she be able to look at snow, or anything, with out it coming back to ‘him’.

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I am so full of bees!

Honestly. Lately I feel like my brain and my body is just full of bees. Not so much in the stingy painful way (though the pain is crazy out of control), no. More of just the unsettling, static, and inability to feel calm. There is just SO much going on right now in my life, and the lives around me, I can barely focus on my own personal thoughts let alone pay attention to anything around me.

More and more I just want to escape. Find some deserted island far from everything, and just hide.

I am still struggling with bills and playing catch up, and every day I am home from work is more money draining out of my hands. Which means more juggling of bills. And AGAIN, today, we have not been paid by the park job. And honestly? I have no clue why? He KNEW that there’s be extra expenses this month because of a sewer issue, so why didn’t he plan for that in the account?

breathing break

Like I said, it’s like I am full of bees. And I don’t know how to stop it. I almost want to stop my antidepressants just so I can go back to not feeling, and just being angry and sad. I prefer it to this unsettled “what the fuck” feeling.

If it was JUST the bills, I could handle it. If it was JUST my health, I could deal. If it was JUST my dad maybe having a broken back, alright, let’s do this. If it was JUST my husband having a dislocated rib, no problem, I’ve got this. If it was just my son having dental, mental, and physical issues. rolls up sleeves just watch me take core of this.

if it was just …

if it was JUST …

It seems to be my theme these days. It rattles in my brain. And when I stop to think about all these “just s” I have in the air, or marvel at how we are doing this? I drop one, and half the time I just have no clue how to get it back up in the air, I have no CLUE how I did it in the first place, and more threaten to drop.

I’ve quit telling my son ANYTHING about this, because his depression was is getting worse (even though he refuses to see it). And since he has reached age of majority, none of our plans cove him for ANYTHING. So, I have to try to figure out how to get his cracked teeth fixed, how to be able to get him to see the doctor (that’s more just him not wanting to go), and if he needs prescriptions, how the hell do we pay for them? Plus he has some physical issues that are refusing to go away.

I can NOT tell my husband ANYTHING. His depression and anxiety are FINALLY at a point he is able to pull out of a free fall in a day or two. ALL this points to the whole post and my feelings would send him to the bottom, of that hole, with me having no clue how to get him out!

So, I am letting some things drop, but it’s not enough.

I haven’t even phoned my Dad to see how he is (hubby does though, and keeps up with them – they live about a minute walk from us), because I just can’t right now. Same with my brother, my Mom, and anyone else I might even think of knowing. Hell, I have even stop asking customers, and co-workers how they are, JUST in case I find myself caring. IT’S. JUST. TOO. MUCH.

I do NOTHING at home (though I will have to now for a minimum of a month). Don’t play games, don’t even really care about shows we watch. Books? pftt I managed one, but it was extremely short, and in super simple language. But any others I try? Nope, I get overwhelmed and feel so stupid for not remembering the last word I read. (to be honest? I can’t remember a damned thing about the book I did read! Space … um, red dirt? I do remember it was called Binti? I remember I loved it)

Even my cat gets less attention right now. I am pulling further and further into myself, as a safe guard. And I will not apologize for that even though I know it’s not the best thing to do.

I NEED to push my GoFundMe, but I really don’t see it doing a damned thing. I KNOW that my problems don’t pull at any hearts strings, or tragedy. My health causing money problems is NOT something anyone is going to care about. EVERY ONE has that. I get it, not mad or hurt. Just frustrated, and worried. (for the record? I NEVER worry! – so. KNOW it’s bad.)

 

I am trying my very hardest to be grateful, and happy, and even relieved that I have an appointment with the specialist. But to be honest? That’s in September, and I am pretty sure he’s not going to figure out my problem any more than my doctor. So why be excited about it, especially this early? Oh, I ACT excited and happy for everyone, including my family. But, honestly, I have lost all hope for anything. This ship is sinking, and while I KNOW I can get it fixed and floating again, I just don’t have the tools with me right now, and I haven’t the muscles to get it all done. And I get the irony of the analogy, or any, really. Alone it is harder, with help it is easier, so let folks help. But that’s just it. ALL, and I do mean ALL of the problems rest on money.

Plain, simple, nothing else, MONEY. NO, money can’t buy happiness, but it sure as hell can buy stability, peace of mind, and even health for yourself and those you love. So, who ever fucking said that? Was NEVER poor, OR was SO poor, they had to make themselves feel better.

I do realize this is coming off as extremely depressed or something, but I honestly am not. Really! I am okay! I just have actual full on feelings about … EVERYTHING now, that I need to sort of put that shell up. Hard to explain. Mentally, (depression and stuff) I feel SO much better, but it is a double edge sword. By feeling better mentally, it has allowed me to be more anxious and overwhelmed. I am kind of missing my calm self.

I do understand why some people with mental illness go off their meds – Money, feeling different, especially if you’ve been untreated for YEARS. Hell, there are some of our meds we can’t have right now because we lost my coverage for a bit. AND I sure as hell feel different, and I don’t really like it right now.

So, I am doing the only thing I know how to do at this moment. Vent here, panic here. And point out my GoFundMe in a lame, not so hopeful, attempt to maybe get even a tad bit of money before we lose it all.

Don’t worry. I’ll pull it together shortly. Just having a MINOR panic because we haven’t been paid, and it’s a “here we go again” type feeling.

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Pets, health, & misc.

First, a small update on my health. I am more convinced now that I have some small bug and it’s playing havoc with my body, just piling on to my usual health issues. More dizzy than usual, sleeping way more than even on my vacation, and a minor temp (I usually run cool, so anything about 37 is a fever for me I am fluctuating between 37 and 38 – Celsius). Stomach is still not super happy, but overall, feeling somewhat better now that I’ve slept about 8 hours yesterday and felt like I could sleep 8 more! LOL

Today. I had about another 8 hours of sleep? And I am still achy, headaches, tired, and just a general “ick”. So, yep. Must be a bug. Oh well, it will pass, and I don’t work until Friday, so should be healthy by then? AND I will have my pain killers refilled (I HOPE? Doc is good to me, so … don’t think it will be an issue?)

Now, on to pets. I have mentioned them in the past, usually in passing while talking about my allergies. But they are SO much more!! They are truly our family. I will tell you about them individually, just because I need to feel good right now, and talking about my kid, hubby, and pets makes me feel better! Happy! And I’ve talked at LENGTH about kiddo, and even a bit about hubby. So pets it is today.

In order of when we got them, oldest to youngest/newest addition.

Shadow and Mouse, Biological sisters.

Shadow; She is the runt, thought to look at her you’d never know it. We got Shadow and Mouse in 2003 or 2004? So they’d be about 13 or 14 now. At the time we already had 3 cats, but we took these two in, plus their mother because my brothers girlfriend at the time just up and abandoned them. The mother cat had been hers, and she never bothered to get her fixed. So, when she ended up pregnant, she gave some away, but these two, no one seemed to want them. And when her and my brother broke up? She just tossed the kittens down the bank, and left the mother with my brother.

Because we had the room, and LOVE animals, we took them in. Little did we know the mother – Sasha – was an out right BITCH. She chased away one of our cats – Missy (Misfit) (a pure breed Himalayan that hubby’s friend had found as a weak stray*. 😦 And terrorized the oldest boy – Chunk (Little Terror Chunk/LTC) (also pure breed another friend donation. Folks? GET your cats fixed! Seriously!)

SO, our other boy (LONG story with him) Patches took it on himself to chase HER away, and protected the kittens for close to a month or so.

Shadow, for the longest time, was MY cat. She would shadow me (hence the name, along with her colouring), cuddle, and only come out of hiding if I was around. She was scared of everyone, and everything. When Jinx came along, she became quite jealous, as Jinx wanted me all to herself! But, I tried very hard to leave neither out of my attention. Until it was discovered I was allergic to cats, but more specifically? Shadow. Her saliva in particular can give me small hives, and make me itch so badly. If I get one of her hairs in my eye? I can see for days! So, I tried for almost 2 years to get her to stop rubbing me, or licking, or come near my face, but give her the same amount attention.

It didn’t work. She terrorized Jinx. BUT, hubby took over Shadow as HIS cat.

She has come out of her shell with strangers, and now demands ALL of the attention. If anyone hugs in front of her, or gets to close to each other, she will meow (very pitifully I must add), and just sit there being the most jealous thing you could imagine! She LOVES to play cute, rolling over and being all … “sassy” just to get attention. WHICH I will point out, she does NOT lack! We give ALL the animals attention and love!

Now Mouse. Oh mouse. She is a very chubby thing, much more “cute” in her features. Where Shadow is sleek and classic, mouse is sweet and adorable. She is, in a word, a puppy! She is my sons cat, has been from day one. She will grunt, merp, moan and whine, if that kid even touches her. BUT so help him if he doesn’t pick her up! She will pout for days, and can hold a grudge like no body I know!

When he’d go camping or away for any length of time (even now), she would just mope around the house, act like she was dying, and hardly eat or move. And some how, she always knew the day he was coming home, even if we didn’t change our behaviour. I SWEAR she understands every word we say! ( I think they all do!) BUT, the second, and I do mean second, the door opened and he’d walk in? She’d walk away from him about 5 feet away, sit with her back to him and clean herself. She’d then stand up, do this weird little “huffy” move and go eat, or drink, and ignore him completely for about a day. During that she would come cuddle me or hubby and just … oh she is SUCH a character.

She follows him like he is her god. I swear, she acts so much like a dog with him! OH! And get this, she will let him use her as a bowling ball. Yep. He sets up pop cans/bottles/whatever, gives her two or threes spins then slides her across the floor on her side towards the bottles. IF he doesn’t knock them all down, she comes trotting right back to him, lays down in front of him and waits for the next go!!! AND if he DOES knock them down? She waits by the “pins” for him to set them up and get ready again. She then follows him back to the start and lays down for the next go!

She is … so unique! And it is going to KILL him when her time comes.

My girl. Jinx. we got her 2009? 2010? She was another “accident” cat. (Seriously people! GET YOUR CATS FIXED!) She is. Honestly, I have no idea how to describe her. We joke all the time that if she were human, she’d wear me as a suit! Creepy as that sounds (and it is), when she is not feeling great, or just wants warmth, she will get as close as she possibly can (short of climbing inside of me – see previous comment) to me and just snuggle in. As she is right now.

She is my nurse, my protector, my companion whenever I am in a bad way. She will stay with me and not move if I am sick. If I am in pain or having a REALLY bad bout of my bowel problems, she is there, she will lay on me, beside me, or even in the doorway to prevent any other cat (or person) from coming near me. I KNOW when it is a bad one because she stays. If she just comes and goes and checks in, but doesn’t stay? Even if it feels bad, I know I’ll be ok.

Pretty sure she knows me better than anyone, even myself. And yet? I do the same for her. When she is not doing well (she has similar illnesses that I do. It causes her upper lip to swell, and sometimes pain), she looks to me for comfort, and rest.

And when she goes? I will die.

That brings us to the rabbit – Oreo. We got him February of last year, 2017. He was just dumped in the trailer park we manage. For about 4 months we had reports from tenants that a seemingly tame rabbit (tiny guy) was roaming the park. We set out HUMANE traps, but he avoided them all. We then found out that he was allowing one tenant to feed AND hold him (sort of). So we had her call as when he was there. It took my husband quite a bit to catch him. We put him in my sons old rabbit cage (LONG story, was a pet store buy, and a HUGE mistake. It died. UGH. He still gets upset), WITH the intent to take him to the SPCA the next morning.

Well, I cam home from work. Saw this little fluffy ball of personality, who was so fucking happy to see people and get any kind of love … I caved. And even though he is a huge allergy trigger for me (IF his hair gets in my eye, or IF I snuggle him – which I don’t), I just could NOT send him to a place where he MIGHT not get a loving home, or be with loud screeching kids! (we found out later he HATES kids and damned near has a heart attack if they get close to him!! So THAT was a good call on our part.)

THANKFULLY he does not trigger my asthma. That is still just trees, dust, flowers, mold, living stuff not sentient. ugh

I still tear up every time he does a Binky (happy hops jump things), kisses hubby’s nose, begs for treats, flops, or falls into a deep enough sleep he falls over! It makes me want to hunt down who ever dumped him, beat the living hell out of them, then thank them because he is ours now!!

The more I learn, read, and research about rabbits, the more I know he is unique, amazing, and the happiest creature I’ve known! It is EXTREMELY rare for rabbits to be comfortable enough with a single person, let alone 3, and other animals, to fall into a deep enough sleep their eyes fully close, and they fall over, or their heads touch the ground. It is also almost as rare from them to just up and flop over on their sides (which is scary as hell, because it is what also happens if they are scared to death! Literally!) It can, and does happen for many once in a blue moon, after years of owning the rabbit, but ours will do it darned near daily, and usually several times. Again, very reminiscent of dog behaviour (when they do the happy flop and rub their backs on the ground).

H has been such a blessing for my husband. Has helped his anxiety so much! It is a shame he couldn’t take him every where. LOL

There is just so much personality in Oreo, I am honestly at a loss for more words. I am pretty sure I have talked about him before? If you would like, you could look through other posts, maybe find more about him?

Our pets ARE our family. We would die for our pets, and while I can’t be sure? I think they would for us. I have never own animals with so much personality as our 4! I do know it is rare to have even one animal be so “human like”, but to have 4? It is a joy, a privilege, and amazing! They keep us sane. They keep us going, even when the world seems like it is a fire out of control.

My hope is for those deserving, the kind, and the wonderful, to have pets with this much love, personality, and laughter! It is the best!

They make me sparkle. 🙂

 

*side note: She’d been pregnant, but the vet didn’t tell hubby when he took her in to be checked over and fixed!!! They just aborted the babies without telling him!

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So much pain

I have been on the toilet for almost 2 hours. Little bit here and there. Always feeling like I have to go, but not much happening.

Then, about 20 minutes ago, THE worst “labour pains” I have ever had started. And while I pray to nothing and everything that I will die quickly, I am also glad because it means my bowels will finally empty.

I still have tears streaming down my face, as part of my tears is because I am alone. Even my cat left when the pain got to its worst. (Hubby had to go to town before it got bad)

Thing is? Not much happened, and I can feel another bout about to happen, but I don’t know if I can handle it!

 

I want to die right now. I have to leave for work in about 40 minutes.

And I am all out of pain killer!! Oh god. No!

 

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Things I’ve learned (health edition)

There are a lot of things I’ve learned in my life. But things pertaining to health is probably the things I will retain the most.

My mom was nurse, so many things I learned are quite valuable. Like how to bandage a sever wound, how to clean them, remove stitches (and when), even how to do emergency stitches (and what to use). Basic, and slightly advanced first-aid. But lately, just from researching my own problems, trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with me, I have learned a little bit of a lot of things, and frankly? EVERYTHING has the same fucking symptoms! (no, not literally, but holy fuck so many things share the same symptoms it is scary)

Here’s the thing though, in the last 2 weeks, I have learned that my pain is worse than I thought, and work is the biggest source of that pain. I had a whole week off, and while I had pain, and at time quite bad, for the most part I had very little. Though, I admit, I did absolutely nothing but sleep, or watch TV during that week. The few times I helped make supper it is super easy stuff that I could sit down a lot for.

I have been back at work for 2 full shifts, and I can NOT get rid of my pain, I have trouble sleeping because I can’t get comfortable, and while at work, my pain pills only take the pain away for about 3 or 4 hours!

I NEED the specialist to get me in NOW!

After having so little pain for that week, and only a day and a half of pain? I just can’t. I don’t WANT to have any more pain. Not like this. 😦

 

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Getting old sucks

I’ve said it before, I’ll say it now, and probably again in the future. Why? I don’t know, because my memory sucks. Hmm what was I saying? Oh, right. Getting old sucks. They do NOT warn you about it as a kid, and if they do? You don’t listen. Your a kid for fuck sakes. You don’t think you will get old.

Besides my internal issues, thyroid problems, and various other things, turns out I can go to bed in relatively good, pain free shape, just to wake up barely able to move. What the fuck?

Yesterday it was my shoulder/back. I assume from work, and the pinched nerve thing. But today? Today it is my knees. Shoulder is getting much better, but I can’t go from standing to sitting, and other way around, with out some serious pain! Right knee is just a minor annoyance, and I forget about it. The left knee though? Any movement or slight bend and it actually makes me cry out in pain.

All of that of course to point out that you MUST have your knees bent even a little in order to sit on a toilet and poop.

And as I may have mentioned in the past? I take FAR to long to poop. So sitting here is not only causing internal pain, but my knee is actually swelling and throbbing.

I’m no doctor, but I am going to assume this has a lot to do with my bathroom habits, standing for 8+ hours for work, and the hour plus drive kid and I have.

Like I said, getting old sucks. And my weight is probably the biggest part of it all. Just wish I was able to do more about that. I eat good food, not enough of it, because of said health issues, but it’s balanced. Exercise is the part of can’t do. Work alone puts me in so much pain, I can barely move on my days off.

Here’s hoping when I finally see the specialist I can fix it all!!

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