Creative spark [DOC UPDATED – TWICE]

I’ve decided to have this post, and attached document, as a place to put my random creative thoughts. I am hoping that but posting this it may spark my creative a bit more. force me outside my comfort zone, and allow my ideas a chance to untangle from the depths of my brain where things go to die.

I’ll just update the document from time to time with my stuff, maybe? I really do suck at follow through.

I’m not directly asking for any feedback, I am not doing it for that, but if you feel you want to give feedback, please do so gentle as this is a very fragile thing right now. I’d hate to lose any forward momentum just because of some criticism. Maybe one day I will be able to handle more than that?

Now, that’s not to say I can’t handle some! I’m not that bad. (I hope?) just nothing to picky or …. well nothing like “oh, that sucked! no plot or flow, and the spelling was worse than my dogs. And don’t even get me STARTED on the grammar!” or “Oh my god? You call THAT a drawing? I saw a better face in the patterns of rain on the sidewalk”

THAT would kill me!

Something like “Hey. Cool, nice start there. Some polish on that and it has a chance.” Or “Just curious if you meant there or their in the 4th sentence? I wasn’t sure of the direction depending on the word”, hell even if you said “Might have missed it, but noticed the nose was upside down on that last drawing, Is that intended?”

Those I (think?) I could handle. 😉

Yes, I am a baby! But the spark needs a breeze, not a downpour.

 

Besides, I am hoping that nurturing my creativity will be the tools I need to fight any depression, or hum drums, or whatever. *shrugs*

Hell, maybe if I ever get any money I’ll even take singing lessons, see if I can’t get my singing voice back? (Maybe not …)

Creative Snippets – 73116

[UPDATE]

Decided I would just upload my updated documents as a whole new link. Sort of a “progress” view for myself, and on the odd chance anyone wanted to see any differences?

Creative Snippets – 81416

[UPDATE – 2]

Creative Snippets – 82316

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No words – AKA: friendship & ugly crying

But, of course we all know I can ramble. And when I am super emotional? I ramble even more. (let that be your warning!)

So, lately I have been really in a low point, but different from other low points. This was, not as dark, but worse because I was FEELING the dark. Much more raw than I am use to when I’m in the hole I call depression.

I’ll be straight here, if my health wasn’t so fucked up, I doubt I’d be very low. Well, maybe I would be low, but not like this. Of course the whole not allowed to go back to work thing, and EI running out has added to it. But, that’s whatever. I ALWAYS figure shit out, some how.

Anyway, The last few days I was fucking determined to get my ass out of my hole (oh that is so wrong … But, I’ll leave it. hehe heh) and get back on my positivity kick again.

Hey, I am nothing, if not determined. Actually, I am more stubborn. Hell, I can damned near out stubborn my son! And that is no easy task!

So, I had had, oh, maybe 3 days of that? I was doing okay. And last night (this morning) as kiddo and I went for our nightly drive, it brought up memories for me, of when I was his age. I’d get in my car and just drive. Even then music was my companion, and driving was my solace. A solitary thing that needed no other human.

For my son and I, I think it is a way to just get out of the house. For me, it is a way to try to connect with him. He is not one for communicating any sort of feelings. He keeps a tight lid on that (no CLUE where he gets that from … Which is why I blog. duh). And when we go out for our drives? We talk. Sometimes about nothing, sometimes about stupid stuff. We debate, we laugh. We argue. And occasionally he opens up.

Sometimes I wish he and my husband could have that, but they are so much a like in the wrong ways they just butt heads worse that rutting moose!

Anyway, starting very early this morning, my stomach/health issues were acting up again. Which meant very little sleep, on top of the already little sleep I had. So as hard as I was trying to be positive, and think only positive things … The memories of a lonely childhood, the pain and crappy health, life in general really, all just buckled in on me while I was crying in pain on the toilet, wishing some how I had done it all differently, but yet still had the same people. Of course, I realized if I had done it differently I wouldn’t have my husband or son…. and

Well, you can see where THAT was going.

Then, my husband walked in with a parcel for me. I looked at him like he was from some other solar system, “A book” he said, as he smiled.

I asked if it was for me. Very puzzled. I looked at who it was from, had NO fucking clue. Looked up the name, still no help. Opened it up. And well, what? Come on. Either I won it, or bought it and forgot (seriously, my brain is BAD folks. I could have bought it a few weeks ago and COMPLETELY forgotten).  So, I looked through my money program, as far back as 2 years. Nope. Nothing.

I was giddy, skeptic, and stunned silly. Which of course added to my huge “emo state” I was in. I got a bit shaky, and never gave into the urge for an ugly cry.

No, instead I took to Twitter and apologized (sort of) to who ever sent it, because I forgot, and thanked them. Of course my husband (the smart ass) said it HAD to be Cat (Charlotte). But my brain couldn’t wrap thoughts around why or how, so I dismissed that. But then Cat post how it was a mystery and it all clicked.

I waffled between “Bitch” (in a nice way :* ) and “umm What? Why?” for much longer than I should have. Hell, I still can’t figure out why. Well, I mean I can … but… why?

Look, I had a great childhood, in that my parents loved me, clothed me, etc. But I ALWAYS felt like they favoured my brother (hind sight of course, they didn’t). I felt different, like I never fit any where. Yes, I am adopted, NO, that wasn’t why. I never felt I wasn’t part of the family. Just that I didn’t fit in the world as a whole.

I was am social awkward, have a hell of a time making friends, and never really seem to have things go my way. Sure, I can force the issue at times, and when I look back I can see it wasn’t as bad as it felt. But in the moment, any moment, where I am, I never quite feel I should be there.

Of course, when you have depression, that sort of leads to some very dark thoughts. But that’s not really the point right now. I wasn’t quite to that point.

No, I was just at the “I don’t fit” part. I just wanted my pain to end, I wanted a miracle and for the phone to ring saying I could see the specialist ASAP. I wanted solutions.

And that’s where the book showed up.

It made me feel … I don’t know. Too many things. Still is. Still not sure of all my feelings.

Love, special, puzzled, confused, not worthy, worthy. Just a hot mess of emotions, and none of them really sure where to settle.

I honestly don’t know … What? What don’t I know? I don’t know why? WHY this person, this amazing, beautiful, sweet, anxiety ridden, bravest person I know … I don’t know why she choose to do this. I don’t know why she choose me. (and fuck OFF if you say god. because Dude? IF that bastard exists? he doesn’t give a rats ass!)

But for what ever reason, she is in my life, I will say, her timing has ALWAYS been just amazingly spot on. And I can say with out a single doubt she is one big reason I keep pushing through this craptastic (at times) life. Cat has this way, and you see it in how her friends interact with her. She is a force that even if she is down, she can make you feel like you matter. Like you ARE someone.

And THAT, that is fucking special!

And I am not worthy, but am beyond grateful she thinks I am!

 

And now, now I sleep away the emotional tides.

❤ ❤

Posted in General, Life, Depression, Health, Family, Happy | Leave a comment

A specialist, a concern, and a theory

Since sleep and I are not on speaking terns at the moment, I figured I might as well update my blog. Okay, truly, it’s sleep who isn’t talking to me. I’ve tried. Really I have. It took me back for a bit, but them my sinuses closed up, I couldn’t breathe, and there was the whole thing with me almost drowning from lack of air … It was messy. Sleep kicked me out. 😦

I’ll try again when the allergy meds and the sinus spray to reduce the inflammation kicks in. Until then, I’ll tell you a story about my doctor’s appointment. Oh, don’t bother with a chair, it’s a short one today. Gasp all you want, it’s true. I am making a short post.

As the title says:

Specialist: It started out typically, him asking me what’s new, and how I am. I suspect he was trying to be funny with the new comment? Whatever, I laugh, it makes him happy. *shrugs* I’ve got it down to a since now. I handed him my list of gastroenterologist I researched. There was only one very highly rated female in Kelowna, the rest were in Vancouver. And of course the medical system prefers to pay within certain “districts” (since I can’t remember how he worded it), so Kelowna is the pick.

Concern: I finally remembered to mention the Deja vu thing. At first he laughed (not in a mean way.) but as I described it to him he became concerned. And when I said my Mom thought it meant seizure, (but I scoffed) he seemed very concerned, and added it to my list of symptoms. NOT positive, but I think he put a star by it?? (Also mentioned in passing my depression. Have a feeling he might medicate if I mention it again. So I better be sure I want that before next appointment. :/ )

Theory: He brought up the adhesions again. Stating that that was what he was leaning towards, but because it involved surgery (twice – once to confirm that is the problem, and one to actually do something about it), they need to rule everything out first. He was very sympathetic. Maybe empathetic? I’m never sure of which one someone is feeling.

My brain is hazy, so details are lost. I remember doc dragging the appointment out longer (usually it’s me. But I am becoming efficient). I just can not remember at all why? He even went back to the computer after I stood up. I don’t know.

At least we are getting some where. I think? Depending how long it takes to get into the specialist. UGH!

Now I just need to suck it up and call union to see if there is LTD or some sort of fund I can dip into when the EI runs out. YIKES

Hey, at least I feeling like fighting again … well, after some sleep.

Now, that wasn’t so bad eh? Now, if you will excuse me, I need to figure out why my insides are trying to cut their way out. Only missed one day in the bathroom. But drinking a thousand cups of coffee just in case. Kidding, one should do. IF that’s the problem. Not sure which pain is worse? While going? Or if I miss a day?

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Positivity; try, try again?

 

I sort of fell off the positivity train awhile ago, and that’s okay. Not that long ago I would have beaten myself up over that, or just over the fact I am depressed, frustrated, and whiny. But, I am learning. No point beating myself up over this stuff, the world will try to do that more than enough, no need to add my own voice to the mix.

I am trying to climb back on the positivity kick, at least while I am fighting my depression. It is fucking hard as hell to be positive when health is failing. Hell, I had a hard enough time when it was just mental health, but I don’t really handle physical health problems very well. Broken bones, sprains, things like that? Okay, sure, pain. But you have a cause, effect, and solution(s). It can be fixed.

This internal stuff? Man, so hard to diagnose, find why, or even what the fuck is going on, and fix it. So I struggle more. The more time goes by, the more frustrated I become, the more my depression gets its hooks into every corner of my brain.

So, today I decided, FUCK depression. I NEED to fight back. I gave up for a while, hung out with the bastard. Let it convince me I wasn’t worthy, and life was going to kill me one way or another.

Not sure what snapped me out of it. What made me click in the fucker was trying to seduce me, but snap out of it I did. Hey, depression is still holding tight, but I feel stronger today. Like I can fight back. I will NOT give in. I will kick depression in the ass and walk away victorious.

I see doc tomorrow, and we are going to go over the latest blood work (nothing really showing up), and discuss specialists. I have a list of doctors that have good reviews, and seem like they know their stuff. THE top 2 have retired, of course. But the ones I’ve found all seem the next ones up and coming for results, bedside manner, and overall ratings.

I am also going to get off my ass and go talk to Service Canada and see if I can switch over to regular EI until my health is all sorted out. Scared as hell (no clue why?). I mean worse they say is no, in which case I just have to figure out how to make money while not working …? But, they might be able to help and figure it out. Worth a shot, right?

The hardest part about going to talk to them is the shower. I stink. 😉 But with how dizzy I have been lately, I tend to forgo the daily showers, and have them a little more sporadically. (Like, once a week? ew! At least I do wash with a cloth every night!)

It’s more the drying my hair that’s the hardest. Pulls my stomach, and my shoulder/back/arm get nasty pins and needles.

Okay, enough babbling. I can do this. I WILL kick ass. And depression can suck rotten eggs. *nods firmly*

(Pretty sure my new coffee mug – AKF – is spurring me on a bit. 😉 When I got my shirt it did the same thing)

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WHAT HAVE THEY DONE!!!

So, when I was up getting my blood tests the other week, they asked if I wanted to sign up for their site. It would allow me to see my test results, and review the results of x-rays etc.

HA!

Of course I said yes. I mean, I AM active in my own health care, this would be another (perfect) tool to help me help the doctor find out what the fuck is wrong with me. Right?

OH SO WRONG!!

All it has done is create a monster!

1.) I have NO CLUE how to read many of the results

2.) When I search them, every fucking country has different ranges for what is normal (and Canada seldom comes up. grr)

Plus, in many of them I am either consistently on the lower end, or high side of the results, but still in the “normal range”. SO WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

Which of course leads me to looking up this shit and finding out all sorts of things … which, OF COURSE, has led me to look up every fucking illness in the world (for which I have 2 or more symptoms of ALL OF THEM!).

This has led me to believe that I am either A.) DYING!! or B.) I AM INSANE AND MAKING IT ALL UP!!

Okay, no. neither. Maybe? But I am really beginning to wonder just what the fuck. I mean, maybe it really is just all in my head? Not sure how your mind makes you poop blood, or can cause bulging in your stomach, or even make your bowels loop, or blood tests to be just a little bit off. But, maybe it can. Maybe I am just one giant basket case?

Seriously, it has been 4 months! Shouldn’t they have found SOMETHING already? ANYTHING? Not just “well, that’s a BIT off, but not serious”. I mean. NOTHING?

I am so close to losing my mind, I can FEEL the crack widening. I am honestly starting to think this is just bull and nothing is wrong with me. BUT WHY? HOW?

It doesn’t make sense and I am panicking, and I have 2 weeks to get back to work and he hasn’t even put in the referral for a specialist yet and how can I work if I keep falling down and have no brain and can’t be far from a toilet and feel like throwing up and and and …. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

See? Cracking!!

I have no idea what to do.

But, I have an appointment with the doc next Thursday, and a list of five thousand, three hundred, and one illness that I am SURE much be what I have. (Yes, I am kidding …. mostly)

It’s only 531. 😉 hahahahaha

haha

ha

aaaaa

oh.

HELP?!?!

Posted in Anxiety, Depression, General, Health, Life | Leave a comment

Rough day

Got a test from a friend/co-worker who mentioned that the boss I have been in touch with regarding my health has been asking about me. And mentioned I should check in.

This brought up a lot of feelings for me. Fear, guilt, anger, frustration. I worry that people will think I am faking this (I was a hypochondriac as a child, parents never believed me), I worry that I might get fired. I am frustrated that NOTHING has been found out regarding what is wrong with me, but I KNOW something is. It is NOT normal to always be dizzy, nausea, and have such horrid painful bowel movements (and so many other symptoms*).

I just want to curl up in a ball and be done with this all. I want to be healthy. I want to work, and do things. I am exhausted, and feel like giving up. If I thought I could manage a full shift suffering through this type of pain while standing for 8 hours? I’d give up on an answer/solution and just say fuck it and go back to work.

But I can’t. If I am not on the toilet crying in pain, then I am sitting down trying to force some sort of nutrients down my face so I don’t pass out or die from no food.

My good days are me trying to putter and feel like I am a some sort of contributing part of this family, while trying not to pass out.

My bad days means I spend a minimum of 2 hours on the toilet, grunting, crying, in major pain (occasionally screaming), and wondering why I am even alive.

Each test that comes back negative wears me down even further. Every medicine that doesn’t help just makes me want to give up. The only way I can even get 6 hours of sleep is with a sleeping pill. Without it, I get maybe 3 or 4 hours. I can’t keep doing this. I need answers.

Not sure how much longer I can keep it together. Not sure I even want to.

 

 

* Health symptoms

Posted in Anxiety, Depression, Family, Health, Life | Leave a comment