Creative spark [DOC UPDATED – THIRD TIME]

I’ve decided to have this post, and attached document, as a place to put my random creative thoughts. I am hoping that but posting this it may spark my creative a bit more. force me outside my comfort zone, and allow my ideas a chance to untangle from the depths of my brain where things go to die.

I’ll just update the document from time to time with my stuff, maybe? I really do suck at follow through.

I’m not directly asking for any feedback, I am not doing it for that, but if you feel you want to give feedback, please do so gentle as this is a very fragile thing right now. I’d hate to lose any forward momentum just because of some criticism. Maybe one day I will be able to handle more than that?

Now, that’s not to say I can’t handle some! I’m not that bad. (I hope?) just nothing to picky or …. well nothing like “oh, that sucked! no plot or flow, and the spelling was worse than my dogs. And don’t even get me STARTED on the grammar!” or “Oh my god? You call THAT a drawing? I saw a better face in the patterns of rain on the sidewalk”

THAT would kill me!

Something like “Hey. Cool, nice start there. Some polish on that and it has a chance.” Or “Just curious if you meant there or their in the 4th sentence? I wasn’t sure of the direction depending on the word”, hell even if you said “Might have missed it, but noticed the nose was upside down on that last drawing, Is that intended?”

Those I (think?) I could handle. 😉

Yes, I am a baby! But the spark needs a breeze, not a downpour.

 

Besides, I am hoping that nurturing my creativity will be the tools I need to fight any depression, or hum drums, or whatever. shrugs

Hell, maybe if I ever get any money I’ll even take singing lessons, see if I can’t get my singing voice back? (Maybe not …)

Creative Snippets – 73116

[UPDATE]

Decided I would just upload my updated documents as a whole new link. Sort of a “progress” view for myself, and on the odd chance anyone wanted to see any differences?

Creative Snippets – 81416

[UPDATE – 2]

Creative Snippets – 82316

[UPDATE – 3]

******

In a land far, far away, there lived people I knew very little about. These people had lives, and loves, that were much like my own. Yet I envied them, much as they surely envied me.

Neither people knew of the envy the other held. They assumed that each were suffering worse lives than the other. They tried to imagine that the other people were like them, but as is the nature of the human heart, they tended to be self absorbed and could not imagine someone having a life worse than their own.

Those that had travelled, and visited these other people knew the truth. Knew that other people in far away places also suffered, and in some cases much worse fates. They would come back to their lands and try to tell their people how others were just like them. How some had it easy, and some worse. But because they had not seen it for themselves, they dismissed these claims as falsehoods meant to take them from their own worries, and use what little resources they had for people they were sure had it better.

One day, one of the leaders had enough. He was so sure the other lands had it better he chose to arm his people, trained them to fight, and kill. He led them to battle these other lands.

Since both sides had thought the same thought, they met in the middle, both sides thinking that surely they were right, as the other side had weapons and knew how to fight. They must be better off.

The few who saw the darkness of those thoughts and actions left both sides, to be called traitor and enemy. Those that reminded to fight grew more darkness and hatered in their hearts. They taught the next generations their hatered.

Each generation would produce a few traitors who would leave their lands. They would travel many years to the outliers and find others of their own heart.

Unfortunately it was not enough. Because as traitors left to join them, they had those in their own ranks through the generations who would leave to be with those that had hate in their hearts. They grew in numbers, but not quickly enough. After thousands of years, the haters over ran their planet, and the planet died.

This continues to happen on other planets, only a few over come. Only a tiny percentage manages to spread kindness and caring above the hate before the planet dies.

Will this planet be one of those small few?
Will the traitors and enemy be louder than the haters?
Who will step up to spread the love and save this planet?

*******

She stood in front of the window. All the lights off, watching the large fluffy flakes fall rapidly from the sky. They sparkled like gems in the street lights. The tree branches grew white and heavy, dipping lower to the ground, as if they wished to be part of it.

As the snow continued to fall damping the sounds of the world, one branch, then another got their wish and would fall to the ground with a dull thud. Leaving behind for just a moment, a brown scar across the white blanket. But as quickly as the scars appeared, it would be covered up, the only evidence it was there the small depression in the blanket. But in time, even that too would disappear.

She gave a little snort, thinking back to when her mother, or maybe it was her father or some other random person, told her how it was a metaphor for life. Maybe it was, mistakes can be fixed, or be hidden, but much like the spring thaw, things tend to always have a way to show back up, looking more decayed and slimey than when it happened. All because it was covered up.

Tomorrow was ‘his’ trial. Would ‘his’ past actions be turned to the light? Would they look more decayed and slimey than when it happened? Or would he once again come out looking like the snow drops and crocuses that pop out of the decay?

She started to shake things about being in front of yet another jury, reliving the horror she felt so many years ago. How can they see his memories as so accurate, yet veiw all of Thiers as if they were stupid women who couldn’t keep a thought longer than a gnats life?

She turned from the window, wondering when this nightmare would end. When would she be able to look at snow, or anything, with out it coming back to ‘him’.

Advertisements
Posted in Creativity, Writing | Leave a comment

Too many thoughts, not enough words.

Right now, I have so very many thoughts running through my head, and yet, I don’t seem to have the words to form those thoughts into the physical space that is a conversation, or even just venting, or talking here, twitter, or Facebook.

One thing I have running around in my brain is about a tenant who committed suicide this past week. It is affecting my husband a great deal. My husband use to be one of the “suicide is cowardice”, and he still struggles with how shameful etc that he feels it is.

That’s one thought.

Another is just how I am feeling and doing. I also wonder at my lack of caring regarding the above mentioned suicide. I mean I agree it’s a sad thing, and I am a bit stunned, but over all, life goes on.

Too many thoughts to list, work, life, pain, health (or lack of), money, the kid, the world. Life, death.

I was just starting to feel like maybe I knew where I fit in this world, and I realize I still have no clue.

Posted in General | Leave a comment

The dark corners of my mind

Sometimes the darkness rolls in so fast and unexpected I have no time to prepare. It’s like an avalanche of doubt, self hate, and poor me. Other times, it is more like a wave on the ocean, slowly creeping up the sand to lap at my feet. I can see it coming and prepare. I still get doubts, but less likely to have self-hatred, or dark thoughts.

I’ve never had a serious thought of suicide. I did try once in high school, but that was both a combination of not wanting to live, and a huge helping of needing attention. Now, as an adult, I feel embarrassment and shame for that girl.

I tend to keep a toe in the past, which is unhealthy for someone like me. Someone who may state and claim depression, but seldom do I own it, or accept it. I fight the fact i have depression. I hate it, I hate how it claims me.

All these years I have hated my “quirks”, I have hated my “specialness” and everything I thought was against the norm. I am NOT normal, I am not the same, and I never will be. I get so deep in my thoughts, dreams, and stories, I get lost. I am never really sure who the true me is. I never feel like the real me. Not completely. Sure, there are some people who I feel like I am probably the real me around. My son, my husband (Though, I think sometimes I’m not?? But he sees through it), I like to think I am with my friend from work, and … I hope to hell I am with Cat. But I am never sure.

Oh, I don’t feel like two (or more) separate people or anything. Just … It is SO HARD to explain it. I have never belong anywhere, I have never felt like I knew who, what, where, I was. I’d get caught in the stories in my brain (usually similar to books I was reading). For example, I am adopted. I would get caught up for MONTHS, sometimes even years, that maybe I wasn’t of this world.

Oh, sure. I KNEW the stories weren’t real. But just having them play out so fucking much in my head was very unhealthy. And it affected my every day interactions. I was the weird one, the one people would use, or tease. I am sure I had friends, but for the most part, I don’t think I had any true, deep friendships until I was older.

Pretty sure the truest (and probably the first) friendship I had (besides my husband), is someone I still have never met. It’s a strange relationship if you look to closely. It’s not like any other that is depicted in any medium. We don’t talk directly to each their very often, and for the most part we seldom talk to each other, at all. BUT, I would trust her with my life. Hell, when I was at my very lowest point*, she surprised me with a gift that I don’t think even my husband would have guessed as a good one. (okay, he probably would have? But … not like this)

I mean, just the surprise of it alone was a huge boost just when I needed it, the gift was just an added bonus that …. well, it saved me! And while I have never given her anything (I don’t count money) because I am clueless to other people. Mom accuses me of not caring. well, she USE to. I’ve tried explaining. I DO care. I TRY, oh fuck I TRY to be the thoughtful, caring, listening type person who knows what everyone likes and can get the great gift or know what someone is thinking or feeling. I just … I struggle so fucking hard. This is hard to admit, and this is the first time I am even really thinking it let alone putting it out there … But I think I have to admit I am selfish?? I find it so damned hard to get out of my head, to be a part of anything. I have used 99% of the energy I was born with, and if I’m not careful, It’s going to be all gone before I can say boo.

I don’t mean to be this way. I don’t WANT to be. I just don’t know what to do, or how to do it, not without killing off my energy. I need it.

I’m just so tired. Tired of being sick. Tired of my body betraying me. Tired of the fucked up shit in the world. Hell, I am tired of everything (but animals) on the planet. Everything is the same, it’s just going around, and around, and around, and around. I have no will or energy to give even one letter of the work fuck to anything but me. Me and my husband and my son.

I am fighting. I am fighting so fucking hard. I am fighting my demons, I am supporting my husband and son in fighting theirs. I am trying so hard to hold it all together while it feels like it is all falling around me. I TOTALLY get why Nero kept fiddling while Rome burnt around him.It all gets to be just to damned much sometimes, and you freeze. You stay in your own little world and just ignore the rest. Even if that is the worst thing to do, sometimes your mind, and body in some cases, give you no choice.

I seldom think of suicide, and never with the intent to do it. But I should real face facts that I do have suicidal thoughts, even if there is no intent.

I am in a very dark place tonight. But no one around me would ever know. They might know something was wrong, but most would assume my pain, or exhaustion, but not this. Not that the dark has enveloped me.

I can still see through it, and I know, even if it gets darker, it WILL end. But a small secret? Sometimes I am not sure I want it do. Sometimes, just sometimes, not caring is so much easier. Giving up isn’t usually an option. But the darkness makes it one.

 

Oh, and those muscle twitches than make my legs or rams twitch when I am trying to fall asleep? They are now happening while I am awake. At work, on the couch. While I am walking. Just mild, nothing anyone would see. Just what I feel. My stomach, my shoulder, sometimes my foot. All I can hide, or change to look like a stretch or shaking out of a sore muscle.

Now, before I become even more morose, I will sign off. Need to go get my heat bag. Hurting tonight.

 

 

 

*I was so low, health crapping out, body betraying me, money issues damned near literally drowning me …  and while it wasn’t something I would follow through on (I am 95% sure), I was obsessed with suicide. I cried almost non-stop at everything. And My guilt was so tightly wrapped around me, I couldn’t separate it from me as a person. (still has a grip on me to some degree. But I am learning.)

Posted in Anxiety, depression, Family, Health, Life | Leave a comment

Appointment bits

I have been meaning to post here a bit more often. Mostly just for me, as a way to track not just health, but life in general. I find both age and health (mostly health) is really sucking memories out of my head faster than I care for. Also making it harder to even form them.

But, here I am for now. I know nothing will be a perfect medium for me to record anything. Several reasons; one? I really just have no energy for much more than just keeping myself alive, spending some time with my family, and work. Work really is the one that kills me the most. Two is the simple fact I have always been pretty lazy to begin with. The third is a combination of crappy memory, and the fact my “train of thought” tends to not have a full track to run on, so tends to derail a lot.

gets sidetracked by nothing, zones out for an hour

Mm, like that! Now not even really sure where I was going with this? And now I feel rather nauseous and gross.

I think I was going to take about my health (good assumption, as it is pretty much all I talk about)? Not a huge amount of change, pelvic pain is still spreading to the right, stomach is as bad as always. My legs are getting worse with swelling, and my right sciatic nerve has decided my whole right leg is going to not have much rest. The night sweats have become really hard to deal with. I actually DRIP with sweat, the whole while unable to move or I freeze. IF I stay still, I am comfortable (temperature), but any movement and I actually chatter and shake from the coldness.

brain struggling

So I went to doctors today, had a list of ailments, numbered in order of importance. Only really touched on the top one, my legs, back, and hip pain/swelling. Which is fine. The rest is all humdrum same old. Though, I would have liked to touch on the sweating thing a bit?

SO. He accidentally confirmed that he is thinking/calling my issue an autoimmune problem. Just not sure which one, but he is now suspecting it is one of the ones that is affecting my nerves which is the cause of almost all my issues. Including the vertigo and ear ringing …

finishes eating and “awake naps”(I zone so completely, hubby teases me I am asleep)

Doc (and specialist) have mentioned autoimmune diseases before, many times. It, IBS, and Chrons are the 3 main things that keep coming back around. (plus the adhesions) It’s the fact that multiple problems are happening, and almost all of these things have the same symptoms, that is causing an inability to give a solid “here’s your problem” diagnoses.

SO, we will be trying a new med. Doc was VERY reluctant to prescribe it because it is over-prescribed (especially in this town). And as doc said, folks with “disability back pain” are more or less giving it a bad name. That and it seems to be prescribed for everything. (NOT his wording!! He was VERY cautious!!) But, as he knows, I would pretty much do anything to stop this.

MY goal is to be off all drugs, but I would settle for being off any drug that is a narcotic. (not sure what this one is??)

 

Anyway, my brain is fading again. So I’ll end here.

Posted in Changes, Health, Life, symptoms | Tagged , , | Leave a comment

For every hurtle crossed, 6 more appear

Honestly, I have been struggling so much lately. We all began to wonder if stress was a big factor in my health problems. But THE biggest stressor (besides my health), was removed, and I SWEAR! Things have gotten worse.

I feel like a dog with a stumpy tail going in circles with no hope of ever catching it.

So fucking glad I took next week off work. I have plans to help me deal with it. Sort of a ven diagram, but in spreadsheet form, not circles. Tired of circles. 😒

So, for now, I will just deal with needing my pain pills, even on days off. I will deal with every bowel movement being torture, and messy, and bloody, and just too much for most. (Can you tell I am typing this while on the toilet?)

Also need to face facts that I need a second heat bag for my back while pooping. Whatever nerves are causing the internal stuff (ya, I am on to nerves now. Part of the adhesions and endometriosis) is now causing back pain before the labour pains. Sometimes instead of. Not as bad, but sort of worse? Hard to explain. But when the back goes into spasm, it cause the hemorrhoids to become horrifically painful. Shrugs

So many things each symptom can point to. Which is why I want to do the spreadsheet. Each symptom and what it could be. If I can find one or more things that has ALL my symptoms, even if rare, I will have the paper to prove it.

Anyway. Over all, today wasn’t to bad.

I just wish I knew how to thank my husband for … EVERYTHING. He has been my rock, my hands, feet, brain. He has been my caretaker, my nurse, my support. And most of all, voice of reason when mine takes a vacation.

I don’t know what I would do without him, or my amazing son. Not once has my husband EVER complained about my whining, crying, screaming, or depression. And tonight, even even told me he would never stop me from talking about it, that, one, I have a right to, and two, that he is always going to be there to listen. It is what partners do.

I KNEW he felt that way. But sure as hell was amazing to HEAR it.

I want to buy him the world, to be able to give him everything he has ever wanted. But all I can do is just tell him every minute, just how much I love him, and appreciate all he does for me, us!

Now I go, perhaps this will be the time it all falls out into the toilet? Ick.

Posted in Health, symptoms, TMI | Leave a comment

Pinch me

Honestly, I am struggling to believe that any of the past week or two is even slightly real. But the last 2 days? I am rather emotional, as are we all!

Hubby and I are trying our fucking hardest to not just spend it all on stuff we don’t need. We are doing ok, but hard, oh fuck is it hard to hold back. We have been deprived for so long, that now that we have money, it is similar to a high each time we spend

Thankfully I was smart RIGHT from the start. I have scheduled everything. Even set aside a very nice chunk just for “presents” for just us (kid, hubby, and me).

But each time I open the fridge, cupboards, or big freezer? I just feel like crying! For so so many years we have only had food (real, honest to goodness, meal making food) just after our park pay. The rest of the time it was a bit here or there as we could.

Guys? Our fridge, freezer(s), and cupboards are FULL! We have to buy more shelves and storage solutions to store it all!

Pinch me. It isn’t real.

I want to cry, happy tears.

We are ok now. I don’t know how to process this.

So happy, I am feeling guilty! LOL

 

BUT, the one big downfall, I have been over doing things, and my pain has ramped up pretty bad. It is what woke me after only 2 hours of sleep. Even with a Percocet.

Need to slooooooooow down. Let hubby do the rest of the shopping now. Or sit more, or stay in the car. Whatever it is, I just to to relax and stay off my feet.

Posted in General | Leave a comment