Creative spark [DOC UPDATED – THIRD TIME]

I’ve decided to have this post, and attached document, as a place to put my random creative thoughts. I am hoping that but posting this it may spark my creative a bit more. force me outside my comfort zone, and allow my ideas a chance to untangle from the depths of my brain where things go to die.

I’ll just update the document from time to time with my stuff, maybe? I really do suck at follow through.

I’m not directly asking for any feedback, I am not doing it for that, but if you feel you want to give feedback, please do so gentle as this is a very fragile thing right now. I’d hate to lose any forward momentum just because of some criticism. Maybe one day I will be able to handle more than that?

Now, that’s not to say I can’t handle some! I’m not that bad. (I hope?) just nothing to picky or …. well nothing like “oh, that sucked! no plot or flow, and the spelling was worse than my dogs. And don’t even get me STARTED on the grammar!” or “Oh my god? You call THAT a drawing? I saw a better face in the patterns of rain on the sidewalk”

THAT would kill me!

Something like “Hey. Cool, nice start there. Some polish on that and it has a chance.” Or “Just curious if you meant there or their in the 4th sentence? I wasn’t sure of the direction depending on the word”, hell even if you said “Might have missed it, but noticed the nose was upside down on that last drawing, Is that intended?”

Those I (think?) I could handle. 😉

Yes, I am a baby! But the spark needs a breeze, not a downpour.

 

Besides, I am hoping that nurturing my creativity will be the tools I need to fight any depression, or hum drums, or whatever. shrugs

Hell, maybe if I ever get any money I’ll even take singing lessons, see if I can’t get my singing voice back? (Maybe not …)

Creative Snippets – 73116

[UPDATE]

Decided I would just upload my updated documents as a whole new link. Sort of a “progress” view for myself, and on the odd chance anyone wanted to see any differences?

Creative Snippets – 81416

[UPDATE – 2]

Creative Snippets – 82316

[UPDATE – 3]

******

In a land far, far away, there lived people I knew very little about. These people had lives, and loves, that were much like my own. Yet I envied them, much as they surely envied me.

Neither people knew of the envy the other held. They assumed that each were suffering worse lives than the other. They tried to imagine that the other people were like them, but as is the nature of the human heart, they tended to be self absorbed and could not imagine someone having a life worse than their own.

Those that had travelled, and visited these other people knew the truth. Knew that other people in far away places also suffered, and in some cases much worse fates. They would come back to their lands and try to tell their people how others were just like them. How some had it easy, and some worse. But because they had not seen it for themselves, they dismissed these claims as falsehoods meant to take them from their own worries, and use what little resources they had for people they were sure had it better.

One day, one of the leaders had enough. He was so sure the other lands had it better he chose to arm his people, trained them to fight, and kill. He led them to battle these other lands.

Since both sides had thought the same thought, they met in the middle, both sides thinking that surely they were right, as the other side had weapons and knew how to fight. They must be better off.

The few who saw the darkness of those thoughts and actions left both sides, to be called traitor and enemy. Those that reminded to fight grew more darkness and hatered in their hearts. They taught the next generations their hatered.

Each generation would produce a few traitors who would leave their lands. They would travel many years to the outliers and find others of their own heart.

Unfortunately it was not enough. Because as traitors left to join them, they had those in their own ranks through the generations who would leave to be with those that had hate in their hearts. They grew in numbers, but not quickly enough. After thousands of years, the haters over ran their planet, and the planet died.

This continues to happen on other planets, only a few over come. Only a tiny percentage manages to spread kindness and caring above the hate before the planet dies.

Will this planet be one of those small few?
Will the traitors and enemy be louder than the haters?
Who will step up to spread the love and save this planet?

*******

She stood in front of the window. All the lights off, watching the large fluffy flakes fall rapidly from the sky. They sparkled like gems in the street lights. The tree branches grew white and heavy, dipping lower to the ground, as if they wished to be part of it.

As the snow continued to fall damping the sounds of the world, one branch, then another got their wish and would fall to the ground with a dull thud. Leaving behind for just a moment, a brown scar across the white blanket. But as quickly as the scars appeared, it would be covered up, the only evidence it was there the small depression in the blanket. But in time, even that too would disappear.

She gave a little snort, thinking back to when her mother, or maybe it was her father or some other random person, told her how it was a metaphor for life. Maybe it was, mistakes can be fixed, or be hidden, but much like the spring thaw, things tend to always have a way to show back up, looking more decayed and slimey than when it happened. All because it was covered up.

Tomorrow was ‘his’ trial. Would ‘his’ past actions be turned to the light? Would they look more decayed and slimey than when it happened? Or would he once again come out looking like the snow drops and crocuses that pop out of the decay?

She started to shake things about being in front of yet another jury, reliving the horror she felt so many years ago. How can they see his memories as so accurate, yet veiw all of Thiers as if they were stupid women who couldn’t keep a thought longer than a gnats life?

She turned from the window, wondering when this nightmare would end. When would she be able to look at snow, or anything, with out it coming back to ‘him’.

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Just call me Wile E

Because if it can go wrong, it will.

I’ve always been a clutz. Today was no different.

Today things are starting to feel way to heavy. Bills, health, pain, etc etc etc.

 

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Fast update

Yesterday was first day with new meds. No clue if my symptoms yesterday were the meds, or a bug going around (supposedly a few are sick at work. UGH).

What I do know, is the nausea is very hard to deal with. This is very “mid flu-like” nausea. Head feels like it could be in outer space, and just a general ick feeling. Doesn’t help I didn’t get much sleep.

Should only take about a week for new meds to kick in? Only because the current meds I am on interacts/possibly boost the new ones? (hard to say, others said they felt results in just a day or two, others said it took a month.)

The extra day of this past week really helped. I had very little pain yesterday at work, and only need two half’s of my Percocet! Very nice.

Also, been vaping for just over a week now (or just under?) nice to not stink of cigarette smoke, and all other stuff that comes with quitting smoking. It has already paid for itself three times over. Just have to figure it out a bit more. The fact it has nicotine isn’t all that great, but that’s where the addiction stems. Not sure it’s “better for you” but it is better for my lungs, and it is super nice to get up in the morning and not be hacking a lung out.

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Doc? It hurts when I do this …

“Well, then don’t do that.” Said the doctor. – some old dad joke I can’t give proper credit on.

Well, had my doctor’s appointment. He of course will send off new letter marked “Just see her already, she annoys the fuck out of me” “URGENT”! He is beginning to look at me with pity now. Might be time to just crawl in a hole. Sigh I LOVED him for the fact he listened, tried to help, believed me, AND didn’t pity me. Guess all those tears wore him down?

Anyway, got some refills, and trying two new meds to replace old ones. One is an antidepressant AND nerve blocker! It is on top of my current antidepressant, but will replace it in about a month – weening off it? So long as the new one works. The other is a new antacid thing. Much stronger in the hopes that it will help with the instant pain I feel when I eat anything. He knows it’s not heartburn (though I do have GERD), it’s just, as I told him, I would try burning sage if he thought it’d help.

He is also going to put in a req for a barium enema? I think? I don’t really remember if it was an enema or colonoscopy. Oops.

Bit mad though. I told him I was having less pain the last few days, and now it is back. I need to stop jinxing myself. Dammit. We did touch base on the seizures … He was duly concerned, but I was rambling so fucking much it was hard for him to know what to focus on. But he typed something … honestly, I don’t know much these days.

Well. Lost my train of thought.

Posted in Appointments, Changes, depression, General, Health, Life | Leave a comment

Whine and pain [UPDATE 5]

I will just keep all rants, whines, etc about my health and pain here.

Be warned. This WILL have TMI. This will talk about shit, blood, sweat, and more than likely tears.

I will assume that it will only cross post the once, and not with each update, so if you are interested in keeping on on this post, I suggest checking back in maybe once a month.

I will make this sort of like diary entries.

Tues, June 12th 2018:

As I type this, I have been in the bathroom for almost 2 hours. I had reached the point, after 2 days of nothing, where I just had to try.

At first it was just a little bit here, little bit there. Not much happening. But, I was getting moments where it felt like my bowels just wanted to open up and dump out the world. Picture when you’ve eaten something bad. Kind of like that feeling, but not much happening.

Anyway. So about 20 min ago, “it” began. I have to warn you, please. You don’t want to read this. Look, when I say pain when I poop? That’s just cramps and twisting. Nothing like what I am about to talk about.

Yeah. I get the odd break in the pushing (NOT self inflected. My BODY forces the push) and pain, which is when I am doing most of the type for this post.

When it starts, it starts much like any stomach bug, or my usual pooping cramps, but very, VERY, quickly gets away from me. My body literally takes over and does what it wants. It is hard to describe. The only close thing would be child birth, but even that is more controlled that this. Similar sensation, but but instinct and muscle memory I guess? I just cry, moan, beg for it to stop, and even debate about taking every last pain killer (prescription and OTC) there is in the house.

I know, it sounds like I am joking. SO many people think I am joking. Suicide is NOT something I would EVER joke about. But when I am in the throes of … Whatever this is, that pain, that twisting, cramping, pushing and agony that is all out of my control? I truly do beg for death, and most times I mean it. I have truly feared that my insides were going to be pushed out.

Logically I know it will end, and the pain will stop. So I don’t REALLY want to be dead. Just dead during it. But sometimes, when the pain is slow to ease up during the “quiet spots” between pushes? I remember that it WILL happen again. Maybe not for a day, maybe I might be fucking the most lucky person on the planet, and I will get a month where I don’t get this.

Sadly, if I don’t have this, it just means the every day, all day pain is worse. With fewer “no pain” spots in the day.

Occasionally, rarely, I will have one of “these” bowel movements where it is just a really bad, really long single push/pain thing and when it is done in am left soaked in sweat, crying, nauseous, and faint. But it is done. Only once, in all my life, have I ever had a short “must push” with pain with no follow up push. I even had barely any after pain. I truly thought I’d passed out and was dreaming for awhile.

Anyway. These … Sessions in the bathroom kill me. They kill my life, they kill my spirit, my want of, my want to do … For days, even weeks I cringe when I have to poop. I am so sure it will be the same this time. Every time. Many times I will have “this” two days in a row. Often enough to cause such parinoia.

I also know, that most times after this, I will be back in here in about 2 hours, maybe 4. Depends on if I was backed up first, or how bad a session it was. The more backed up, the more often, and sooner I have to go.

The more pain (regardless of how many pushes), means less visits.

Sometimes it is very confusing. And hard to figure out. Just, have to do what my body wants.

Imagine having this JUST before going to work. The fear. The pain.

I CAN hold it back. But if I do, it restarts to cycle of backed up and just adds to the pain. Making the next time that much worse.

So, believe me. I am beyond grateful that I have 3 days off this week. Rest of today, and 2 more. I have 2 more days to relax.

I think I am done this session. Not the worst, but not easy. I will have to break my rule of no pain killer at home.

But now, I need to reheat my heat bag so I can cook my insides. Maybe, just maybe I can avoid pain killers?

Just kill me.

Wed, June 13th 2018:

Second day. Not as bad as last night. But I need a vacation from my body.

Hate these ones that last multiple days.

Yeah, so in my last post, So many problems, so few options, I mentioned that today would be my “get things done, and settled” day. Change of plans. I am going to go sleep until the pain and discomfort goes away, or until the world is gone, which ever comes first.

In reality, probably until the pain wakes me, or my bowels decide to twist in a knot and strangle everything else.

What I am saying? Is it is nap day, and no one, or thing will stop me. (I hope.)

Fri, June 15th 2018:

Not sure what’s going on. My parinoia is at an all time high, and I just want to go home and hug my hubby and hide in bed.

Pain seems okay? Some sharp pains where my left ovary was.

Sigh, make it stop. I KNOW they aren’t talking about me, I can hear what they are saying, but my brain is just working over time with this parinoia.

Someone tell me I’m ok?!!?

Sat, June 16th 2018:

Not sure if it’s the new medication, or just the natural cycle of mine. But whatever it is? I am constipated. And I think I popped something. Again. Same spot. Fuck.

The nausea was better today, a bit. But the head floating in space feeling was really bad. Now am just in pain AND nauseated. Good thing I’m going to bed to die.

Mon, June 18th 2018:

Right now, it is 11:20 pm. I have now been on the toilet for over 2 hours, fast approaching 3 hours. I have not yet looked at what is going on, but I assume constipation. Not my usual “slow system” constipation, but actual “passing bricks” type. I have been wrong, very recently actually, in thinking that. But this sure as hell FEELS like I am passing an old growth oak tree out my ass!

Seriously. You might scoff, but it really does feel like my butt is being split. I am trying my damnedest to not push, but when it feels like it is stuck RIGHT there … Hard not to just giver and bare down. Doesn’t help I am also having intermittent labour pains where I have no choice but to push.

Right now there is a lull in the pain and action. I am almost positive I have ripped something inside, or given myself a hernia! Depending how I move, there is some serious pain going on.

I just want to be done. I want to be fixed. I want to have a pain free life, even if just for a month. Just to see what it’s like.

Fuck, I can feel another labour pain coming. Cries into her Gatorade

Sun, June 24th 2018:

The last few days have been a cluster fuck when it comes to my life. My bowels have picked the worst times to try and do anything. Like now. Less than an hour before I have to get ready for work! Yesterday, same thing. And each time, labour like pain’s. Plus each time it feels like something has popped because of the pushing. If I could stop it, the pushing, I would. But my body gives me no choice, to fight it just makes it worse.

Working after is so hard, so painful. I actually have to take enough Percocet and Tylenol that I become very dopey.

By the time I get home I just feel like dying, or maybe just crying myself to sleep?

I take softeners, but it really doesn’t matter, what gets “stuck” isn’t hard! It’s already soft. So why it is so difficult and stuck? The doctor’s (2 of them anyway), when I’ve gone to the hospital in the past with this pain, have said it’s constipation. Yeah well, no. More and more I am convinced it is adhesions causing blockages. And it’s affecting my breathing now too.

Just kill me! I hurt and only have 20 minutes to get off this toilet.

 

 

Posted in General, Health, Life, symptoms, TMI | Leave a comment

So many problems, so few options

That title is so misleading! It is truly how it feels wading through a debt minefield though. Usually, with only 2 days off, and the way my health is, I just never feel like trying to deal with any debt, bills, collectors, etc. So it all piles up. It adds to hubby’s stress, it adds to mine. It becomes this tangled mess of knots, dark alleys, and nasty sewage. Hey, I am not great at metaphors, but that is absolutely the best one for debt.

I briefly (like 20 minutes ago) looked at those shysters for reducing debt, and sort of flirted with bankruptcy. Neither really leaves a nice taste in the mouth. And I’ve walked away. This leaves actual talking, begging, and groveling to government, business, and uncaring heads in the sky. (seriously, most do not CARE about anything but getting their money)

Right now, the biggest problem is the back taxes. I have figured out exactly what I can pay, and when I can start paying. The ONLY thing I have going for me right now is it is on record that I was off work for 6 months. That MIGHT work in my favour to show why I can’t make larger payments? But doesn’t explain before that.

Next big loan (not in size, but importance) I’d have to say would be the one in Mom’s name (destroyed her credit.). I NEED to figure out SOME way of making more than the bare minimum. MAYBE lowering the base amount by $5 a year? At this rate great great grandchildren (which won’t exist) will be paying this off. Doesn’t help we miss/are late, on about 3 payments a year. sigh

Last huge one (in amount and I suppose importance) is the overdue credit card. Gone to collections. ALMOST made a deal with them, but when I was trying to set up the deal (making a payment with our loan/consolidations person, she gave me some tips, and I did some research on-line. Yep, NEVER EVER talk to creditors on the phone. So, I left her a message telling her to ONLY deal with me in writing from now on (STILL have to follow that up with my own written request of that for it to be binding). So that buys me some time. AND if she does call me, I can use it as a tactic to lower payments.

Yeah, so. Really. When you break it all down like that? It’s doable.

Sure, there are phones, TV, electricity, rent, food, etc etc etc …. head desk

BUT, HUGE BUT, in reality? TV, and cell phones, and all that sort of thing? IF we have to, we really can do without. It might hurt some and be hard to deal with, but it can be done. THEY are not that important.

So, ya, I mean we will do this some how, and I will deal with it all tomorrow. 🙂

Oh, right. okay, AFTER I deal with Mom’s stuff … Why can’t older parents understand computer stuff and what not just a TINY bit more?

 

So … this is the part where I ask you to donate or share. I mean, whatever at this point I guess. Other people need it more, and probably better people than I!, but, I mean, if you do have even a few bucks to spare? or something?  anyway. ya .. thanks.

Posted in Anxiety, General, Life, Money | 1 Comment