Creative spark [DOC UPDATED – TWICE]

I’ve decided to have this post, and attached document, as a place to put my random creative thoughts. I am hoping that but posting this it may spark my creative a bit more. force me outside my comfort zone, and allow my ideas a chance to untangle from the depths of my brain where things go to die.

I’ll just update the document from time to time with my stuff, maybe? I really do suck at follow through.

I’m not directly asking for any feedback, I am not doing it for that, but if you feel you want to give feedback, please do so gentle as this is a very fragile thing right now. I’d hate to lose any forward momentum just because of some criticism. Maybe one day I will be able to handle more than that?

Now, that’s not to say I can’t handle some! I’m not that bad. (I hope?) just nothing to picky or …. well nothing like “oh, that sucked! no plot or flow, and the spelling was worse than my dogs. And don’t even get me STARTED on the grammar!” or “Oh my god? You call THAT a drawing? I saw a better face in the patterns of rain on the sidewalk”

THAT would kill me!

Something like “Hey. Cool, nice start there. Some polish on that and it has a chance.” Or “Just curious if you meant there or their in the 4th sentence? I wasn’t sure of the direction depending on the word”, hell even if you said “Might have missed it, but noticed the nose was upside down on that last drawing, Is that intended?”

Those I (think?) I could handle. 😉

Yes, I am a baby! But the spark needs a breeze, not a downpour.

 

Besides, I am hoping that nurturing my creativity will be the tools I need to fight any depression, or hum drums, or whatever. *shrugs*

Hell, maybe if I ever get any money I’ll even take singing lessons, see if I can’t get my singing voice back? (Maybe not …)

Creative Snippets – 73116

[UPDATE]

Decided I would just upload my updated documents as a whole new link. Sort of a “progress” view for myself, and on the odd chance anyone wanted to see any differences?

Creative Snippets – 81416

[UPDATE – 2]

Creative Snippets – 82316

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Update time

My brain can’t keep track of the days. so I’ve given up on that. LOL

Having a rough day today. Not pain, not really. Just frustration I think? I almost wish I hadn’t had 2 really good pain-free days right after surgery. I know, that sounds crazy, but it’s true. See, having those 2 days, and on top of that having only surgery pain ….

Oh fuck. I am really not doing a good job of explaining myself. Let’s try this. Before the surgery, I had a constant pain, it wasn’t intense, but it was constant, and always set around 3 for pain levels (keep in mind, for average people that’d be about 5. Not being conceited, I actually have a HUGE tolerance for pain).

But even that wasn’t the worst of it. It was the nausea, not to the point of wanting to throw up, but where the thought of food made me almost dizzy. The bloating, where I felt like my insides were being crushed. And the ache. That constant, bruised from breast to knee, ache. I felt like I’d been hit by a car.

The lack of energy, the frustration, the anger. The lack of money! (that’s another problem. Look at the bottom – 1) It was everything combined. I was absolutely miserable. I had one fuck of a time trying to see any end to it, but knowing that I had a deadline on getting healthy.

So, when I felt so damned good after the surgery, and the fact I could only remember her telling me BEFORE surgery (when she thought I had nothing wrong) that it would take a week to be 100% healed, and just the incisions would be an issue … I admit, my hopes soared so fucking high! Holy fuck did I feel good.

I mean mentally, AND physically. I felt like life couldn’t BE any better. I was planning my return to work, I was putter around the house. Oh, sure. I had that logically fucking bitch voice in the back of my head. Pftt reminding me that it can take a day or more for the surgery affects to show up. Trying to reason with me about how I really shouldn’t be over doing it because it can actually make recovery time longer.

But, I mean come on! The louder, happier, boisterous me duct taped that bitch behind the door and locked it shut. Oh yeah, I was flying high. I assured myself I was being careful, I wasn’t over doing it. I was just enjoying the fact I was FINALLY pain-free 100% (minus incisions) for the first time in over a year (the worst of it being the last 5 months). Nope, I was being careful.

And, yeah. I wasn’t heavy lifting. But I also wasn’t resting. No, I wasn’t doing a lot, but I was doing. Yesterday the after effects began. The extra tightness, the tiredness, the twinges and pokes.

STILL not as bad as before the surgery, and I do know that once I am fully recovered I’ll be fine. It’s just fucking frustrating as all hell to have the bitch break free (turns out she’s quite buff. Rambo buff!) and just stand there whispering “I told you. I told you” CONSTANTLY!

God I hate that kill joy.

Nope. Now I am dealing with the money thing (more below), AND the crash of feeling so damned good, PLUS the reminder that I really WAS over doing it, and I have to wait. I mean come on! It felt like an instant cure. Shouldn’t I be up and doing cart wheels already?

Apparently, not.

SIGH

And ow. Now my sides feel like ice.

So yeah, that’s where I’m at. Pissed at my brain, not talking to my body, and angry and scared about the money. And avoiding sleep. Not because I dream, but because time feels like it moves faster, and for some illogical reason, sleep is scary! (I always avoid sleep when my brain gets into “we’re fucked” mode.) Yep, the more I need sleep, the harder I avoid it.

This, this is what happens to me when I am on a deadline. Which is even more right now because of the money thing!

THEN there’s the whole thing with actual Nazi’s and yeah … I just want to find a puppy filled alternate universe now.

Fuck this shit.


  1. (Dumb jump to bottom doesn’t allow paragraphs, so imagine the —- as a paragraph break. grr) —- So, yeah. Money. I have this consolidation loan. And I have insurance on it, so that if I am ever off work I don’t have to make payments. Well, I was making payments this whole time. I was told (and asked a few times) that once approved that we would get back all the money we paid from the time I was first off work. —- At first I didn’t count on that money. Didn’t schedule it in to my budget at all. But as time went by without me getting to work, and bills kept coming due, I verified again that we’d get the money, and scheduled it in. —- So, I logged on to my account today. Oh, we got the money alright. It was applied to the account. It paid down the loan. It paid the payments until December. head desk That’s all well and good, but that doesn’t pay the bills!! I’ll be calling tomorrow to find out if HOW we can get that money. But if we can’t? Holy shit are we fucked. —- I have no clue what to do. I’m sure I’ll figure it out some how … I just don’t know how … 
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Recovery; day 2 (AKA, just, slow down)

I think it’s day 2? Do I count the surgery day? Do I count today? So maybe it’s day 3, or even day 4.

Whatever day it is, it’s starting off a bit rough. See, last night my bowels finally started to move. That was great. Much less pain than I expected, and for the first time in so many years I don’t know, I had actual, normal poop!

Today I woke after only 4 hours of sleep. Which is normal these days. And is just habit now. I need to retrain my body. Things we’re good. Sure my hemorrhoids were (still are) sore, but no real pain, and feeling good. So I putter Ed a bit in the kitchen. Rinsed the dishes, cleaned the sinks, and wiped the counter. Nothing to strenuous, no heavy lifting. Just puttering.

Now, I can’t say with all certainty that it was the puttering, it could be the lack of sleep. But I ended up being very nauseous, still am actually. That metallic dry taste in the back of the mouth. The slight cramping that says you might have diarrhea, a general flu like feeling all over.

I feel, gross.

It could be either of those, the puttering, the lack of sleep. Or it could be the anesthetic, it does take me about a week to get over it fully. Or it could be allergies, the weather even.

I just know it is not fun, and it sure seems like my body is telling me to slow the fuck down. It is hard to. Slow down. I have been on my ass (and many days my back, in bed) for over 5 months. And unwell for over a year before that! So of course when I finally feel good I want to do things. It just makes sense.

But, obviously my body is telling me to be patient. Ease into things. I have some time before panic needs to set in.

I just need to slow down for a little longer. If I am okay now, I will be okay in a week.

Recovering from surgery is hard. Coming out of the darkness of an illness is hard. Slowing down is hard. I just need to remember, that last one isn’t as hard as I think!

Just, slow down!

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Just a poop post

Or lack of poop.

The good sign, I do have gas, and I can expel it. I just can’t seem to be able to get the poop out.

My hemorrhoids are screaming, my bowels are aching and I NEED to poop. But mentally, and maybe physically I am just not ready?

I know there will be pain, there always is after surgery. But I also am really anxious to find out how I feel after!

It was just the lead up to pooping that caused my health problems, it was the after effects, the during. I NEED to know what that will be like.

Right now, I can say the surgery worked. But until I poop, it is not a 100% accurate statement.

I just want to poop, dammit!

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Recovery; day 1

I guess it’d be day 2 if you count the day of surgery? But I’ll count today yesterday, as day 1.

And so far it’s pretty good.

I admit, I hadn’t expected such a quick change in symptoms. I figured I’d have to wait a few weeks for the surgery pain to go away, and then for all the swelling and such to fade. But it amazes me how different things are already! Oh, sure. I’ve needed some of my Percocet for the pain, but it’s surgery pain. It is so different from what I had. Less achy, less constant. What I had before was still there even with pain killers. Just waiting to pounce, waiting for a break in the medication strength. This? This pain, the surgery pain, is fading as time goes on. it is admitting defeat to the pain medication.

I will say, I forgot about the neck aches, and the anesthetic breath/taste from surgery. I wouldn’t say I was surprised, not really. More of a “oh. Damn, right!” The dry mouth though. Holy shit. it’s JUST going away now. I don’t think in all the surgeries I have had, I have ever had dry mouth this bad.

I do have to giggle a bit though. This is now the 3rd surgery in my life I have had some sort of issue. Once as a young kid, to hear Mom tell it, it was with my tonsils. She over heard the nurses talking in the hall way after, she didn’t catch the whole conversation, just that there was trouble. When she asked the doctor about it, he denied anything wrong. Was different times back then.

Then, of course with my hysterectomy I had an airway collapse. I had thought it was as I was coming too at the end of surgery. BUT, the anesthetist I had for this surgery mentioned it being at the beginning? Which means I was out, and came too BECAUSE of the problems. Not that it matters now. I just remember having trouble breathing, and feeling like throwing up because I had a lump in my throat. Had nothing to do with my actual breathing. Shows how things can be remembered so differently in an altered state.

This time it was just me not wanting to breath after they were done. Nothing collapsed, nothing went wrong really. I just didn’t want to breath without help. (hey, I have always admitted to being lazy. 😉 )So of course that meant extra oxygen. Which is in part where this taste/smell/sneezing is coming from. I have ALWAYS hated the smell of that. And add to it the taste of the anesthetic (even the IV stuff has a taste, no clue how, but it does!) … yuck. And of course in usual amounts I have minor reactions (sneezing, taste, stuffiness) so makes sense it’s that much more pronounced after extra dosing.

I still haven’t had a bowel movement yet. And was going to wait until tomorrow to see what happened, before taking any sort of laxative. But I changed my mind. I took the gentlest stuff I have, and am trying to drink even MORE water than I already am. PLUS coffee … It will happen eventually. I hope. Always difficult after surgery, what with the anesthetic and pain pills. Pretty sure in part it’s the thought of pain more than any actual pain, that is clenching things up. Plus I do still have my hemorrhoids.

Another thing, I didn’t expect my sleep to magically go back to normal, I knew I’d have to work on it. But I also assumed it would be pain keeping me awake. And I guess in a way it sort of is? But it is more sneezing and “irritated” nasal passages that are keeping me awake. Yeah, the sneezing causes pain, but it’s the watery eye, and running nose, and the tickle in the nose that is preventing sleep! Go figure!

*side note: My spelling is worse now, than when I was doped up! What? Very grateful to spell check (not that it catches everything).

Well, off to drink more water, and have another go at the toilet. Then, maybe I can sleep?

I have a really good feeling about this. So far things seem good. Who knows how long it will last. Maybe I’ll be one of the lucky ones and the adhesions won’t come back? But even if I am an unlucky one, at least we know now that is what it is. And I’ll know the signs BEFORE it gets too bad. Plus, IF we can catch it fast enough, there are other things we can try BEFORE surgery.

All seems good though. Certainly is a shot in the arm for my mood! If this keeps up, I may have 2 whole months before my S.A.D kicks in!!! 😀 crosses fingers Nice to be (maybe) rid of one reason for depression.

Once again, I want to thank EVERYONE for the support, love, and just listening, even when I didn’t know it. Love you guys! (and no, this isn’t the drugs talking! I am high on pain-free! 😉 )

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By George I think we got it!!

Need to warn you, dear reader, this post is going to probably make less sense than usual. I’ve already lost my train of thought 4 times, and restarted this post twice. But I really want to get this out there for those that are waiting to know.

I had my surgery today. My surgery was scheduled for 11:15, I got there at 7:45, about 30 minutes earlier than I was told to, only to find out I should have been told an hour AFTER THAT! SO I was actually an hour and a half early. But was all good. Hubby even stayed up for 30 minutes!! (he hates hospitals more than I hate earwigs!!) And I had my book the amazing Cat gave me. For the most part I snoozed.

At 10:30 they came and got me for the surgery. And I was out about 10:50 – 11 (tried to see clock, but blind without my glasses.

(sorry for the disjointedness of this post. Trying. But it’s going to jump around)

Before they took me in, my surgeon came by for a quick chat. I just handed her my health journal with my questions, so much easier than talking at that point as I kept falling asleep! (anesthesiologist joke he wouldn’t have to give me anything! EEK)

She was still pretty sure it wouldn’t be adhesions, but, yes it would be removed if it was there. NO she would not take tissue samples of the ovaries – because they tend to have really bad blood loss from even a tiny nick, which would be removal. The only things that would mean a second surgery would be bowel resection or cancer. Everything else she’d deal with right then.

SO I get in, and was out in record time!

Again, I did have some issues coming too. But this time was just not breathing. Nothing collapsed, nothing serious. Just need extra oxygen.

If it had been just exploratory, as scheduled, the surgery would have only taken 30 minutes to an hour. I was in for 3 hours!!

They found adhesions. It was on (around) the left ovary, attached to the bowel, and pelvic wall, and showing signs of spreading! They freed it all up, and took my ovary. Still have the right one, so no menopause just yet. 😉 The funny thing is? When I gave her permission to take anything she needed to if it would help me, she insisted she wouldn’t need to take my ovaries. hehehe

Hubby wanted to tell her “So, no adhesions though, right” when she called. Glad he didn’t!

The pathology on the ovary will take about 2 weeks, then we’ll know if it was JUST adhesions or if there’s more.

that sentence too me 15 minutes to type. Fading fast. I’ll try to wrap this up. But, just ask questions if I have mentioned something you want to know!!

about 2 weeks recovery, should know in a few days, when bloating from the air is gone, if this was the problem.

I can say right now, I am achy, and have pains where the majority of the surgery was done, and it is not as bad as even this morning, and that wasn’t bad for me.

But I am annoyed with this desert in my mouth!!

 

The squeaky wheel got the grease!!! 😀 😀

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