Creative spark [DOC UPDATED – THIRD TIME]

I’ve decided to have this post, and attached document, as a place to put my random creative thoughts. I am hoping that but posting this it may spark my creative a bit more. force me outside my comfort zone, and allow my ideas a chance to untangle from the depths of my brain where things go to die.

I’ll just update the document from time to time with my stuff, maybe? I really do suck at follow through.

I’m not directly asking for any feedback, I am not doing it for that, but if you feel you want to give feedback, please do so gentle as this is a very fragile thing right now. I’d hate to lose any forward momentum just because of some criticism. Maybe one day I will be able to handle more than that?

Now, that’s not to say I can’t handle some! I’m not that bad. (I hope?) just nothing to picky or …. well nothing like “oh, that sucked! no plot or flow, and the spelling was worse than my dogs. And don’t even get me STARTED on the grammar!” or “Oh my god? You call THAT a drawing? I saw a better face in the patterns of rain on the sidewalk”

THAT would kill me!

Something like “Hey. Cool, nice start there. Some polish on that and it has a chance.” Or “Just curious if you meant there or their in the 4th sentence? I wasn’t sure of the direction depending on the word”, hell even if you said “Might have missed it, but noticed the nose was upside down on that last drawing, Is that intended?”

Those I (think?) I could handle. 😉

Yes, I am a baby! But the spark needs a breeze, not a downpour.

 

Besides, I am hoping that nurturing my creativity will be the tools I need to fight any depression, or hum drums, or whatever. shrugs

Hell, maybe if I ever get any money I’ll even take singing lessons, see if I can’t get my singing voice back? (Maybe not …)

Creative Snippets – 73116

[UPDATE]

Decided I would just upload my updated documents as a whole new link. Sort of a “progress” view for myself, and on the odd chance anyone wanted to see any differences?

Creative Snippets – 81416

[UPDATE – 2]

Creative Snippets – 82316

[UPDATE – 3]

******

In a land far, far away, there lived people I knew very little about. These people had lives, and loves, that were much like my own. Yet I envied them, much as they surely envied me.

Neither people knew of the envy the other held. They assumed that each were suffering worse lives than the other. They tried to imagine that the other people were like them, but as is the nature of the human heart, they tended to be self absorbed and could not imagine someone having a life worse than their own.

Those that had travelled, and visited these other people knew the truth. Knew that other people in far away places also suffered, and in some cases much worse fates. They would come back to their lands and try to tell their people how others were just like them. How some had it easy, and some worse. But because they had not seen it for themselves, they dismissed these claims as falsehoods meant to take them from their own worries, and use what little resources they had for people they were sure had it better.

One day, one of the leaders had enough. He was so sure the other lands had it better he chose to arm his people, trained them to fight, and kill. He led them to battle these other lands.

Since both sides had thought the same thought, they met in the middle, both sides thinking that surely they were right, as the other side had weapons and knew how to fight. They must be better off.

The few who saw the darkness of those thoughts and actions left both sides, to be called traitor and enemy. Those that reminded to fight grew more darkness and hatered in their hearts. They taught the next generations their hatered.

Each generation would produce a few traitors who would leave their lands. They would travel many years to the outliers and find others of their own heart.

Unfortunately it was not enough. Because as traitors left to join them, they had those in their own ranks through the generations who would leave to be with those that had hate in their hearts. They grew in numbers, but not quickly enough. After thousands of years, the haters over ran their planet, and the planet died.

This continues to happen on other planets, only a few over come. Only a tiny percentage manages to spread kindness and caring above the hate before the planet dies.

Will this planet be one of those small few?
Will the traitors and enemy be louder than the haters?
Who will step up to spread the love and save this planet?

*******

She stood in front of the window. All the lights off, watching the large fluffy flakes fall rapidly from the sky. They sparkled like gems in the street lights. The tree branches grew white and heavy, dipping lower to the ground, as if they wished to be part of it.

As the snow continued to fall damping the sounds of the world, one branch, then another got their wish and would fall to the ground with a dull thud. Leaving behind for just a moment, a brown scar across the white blanket. But as quickly as the scars appeared, it would be covered up, the only evidence it was there the small depression in the blanket. But in time, even that too would disappear.

She gave a little snort, thinking back to when her mother, or maybe it was her father or some other random person, told her how it was a metaphor for life. Maybe it was, mistakes can be fixed, or be hidden, but much like the spring thaw, things tend to always have a way to show back up, looking more decayed and slimey than when it happened. All because it was covered up.

Tomorrow was ‘his’ trial. Would ‘his’ past actions be turned to the light? Would they look more decayed and slimey than when it happened? Or would he once again come out looking like the snow drops and crocuses that pop out of the decay?

She started to shake things about being in front of yet another jury, reliving the horror she felt so many years ago. How can they see his memories as so accurate, yet veiw all of Thiers as if they were stupid women who couldn’t keep a thought longer than a gnats life?

She turned from the window, wondering when this nightmare would end. When would she be able to look at snow, or anything, with out it coming back to ‘him’.

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Is this an age thing?

I think I am broken. NOT just because I might have a concussion, and all my other problems.

No, I have noticed that LITERALLY, since I turned 50 on the 10th, smells have changed? Intensified? I have ALWAYS had a sniffer that was easily overwhelmed. But this is different. Everything smells … HORRIBLE. As in “I think I might throw up” horrible.

Our house has always had an odd odour. But no one but me seemed to notice, even outside folk. But lately with the cat being sick, the dog having an occasional leaky bum, and various other things, it is smelling “off” to others too. Not BAD, apparently, just “Hmm WHAT is that smell?”, sort of thing.

Well, tonight my nose is seriously considering jumping off my face and leaving me for an air factory.

My husband isn’t feeling well (and has bad teeth that REALLY hurts to take care of. He does try!) so he hasn’t brushed or anything for awhile. Because of that, even with the CPAP machine, he is opening his mouth and was breathing right at me. So I left. As soon as I opened the door to leave, I could smell all the other smells in the house that just … GAH!!

I just can’t!

Even outside smells weird and not right. I can’t win.

KILL ME!

Really hate being a nose breather some days.

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… *Untitled whine*

I didn’t know where to post this. Twitter, Facebook, here, or all? So I’ll post here which adds Twitter.

<Sarcasm>

I have come to realize that my health problems are all in my head. After all, what has been happening the last week or so (leading to tonight), is PERFECTLY normal. 🙄

</Sarcasm>

I have had 3 really rough bowel movements that involved swearing, tears, labour like pains, and horrific cramping, and continued bleeding.

Then tonight, I tried. Felt like nothing happened, just some spasms (not much pain). When I gave up, I noticed about 4 grape sized white firm mucous balls with thread thick fecal matter, and pea sized clots INSIDE the balls.

Ya. Sorry. Can’t tell me there isn’t a fucking blockage or similar.

BUT, because there is no real blood in my usual fecal matter, I am not considered a high enough risk to see a specialist.

Loooooong story to it all. My doc is trying over and over to get me in. But we can’t find the magic tests they will pay attention to.

Whatever. All I know is my body, brain, and being is shutting down, and I just want to stay in bed and sleep for a century. Sigh

Well, that’s enough from me. I need sleep. Have to be awake in 6 hours.

Blech

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Time does fly

Man, some days you just can’t shut me up. Then other’s? I go radio silent for weeks, even months.

Life wise, things really haven’t been horrible. We’ve been late on bills, but paying them (minus the two in collections). And we have food, and money coming in. PLUS (if we stick to our budget) we will even be able to start putting money aside in a month or two!

And yet.

I have been feeling … well that’s just it. I haven’t been. Not much any way. I am going through the motions, and doing it every day. But other than random things? I just … don’t really care. This is different than my usual depression. Not quite sure how to fight this. I do know a lot has to do with my health, and lack of movement towards answers. My doc keeps trying, but with Canada losing doctors to other countries, it just makes for much longer waits. Short of stabbing myself, or swallowing actual glass (many days it feels like I have), I don’t see how I can get moved up to even get ON a list, let alone move up that list.

I am still managing to keep my pain medication to the minimum, but it is getting harder to deal with this pain with out some sever frustration! couple of days ago I made a chai mix to have on hand (REALLY helps with the nausea part of whats wrong with me), and while making it I had to stand for under an hour. After, my stomach was spasming so badly you could SEE it moving, and I felt like I was going to pass out, plus I ended up on the toilet, with what I call labour pains, for almost 4 hours. Needless to say, I broke down and cried for a minute.

I cry when frustrated. Sometimes. Sometimes I can control it. Depends on the situation.

Poor hubby! You could SEE his pain of not being able to do anything. Of course our new family member (a pup – year ish?) who is supposed to become an ESA (emotional support dog), for our son, just laid there a foot away looking at me and sleeping.

Work has become so difficult for me. By the time lunch break gets there I am ready to sleep for days, months even. A few reasons for that. Anemia, medications, and the fact customer support jobs are fucking exhausting, even when not busy. But! I have never felt this bad. I had already thought my pain was constant, but with spikes. NOPE. I was wrong. NOW it is constant. and I regret not doing better in school and having a better job, and savings so I could take time off until I am fixed.

Oh well.

I am done ranting for now. I need to be in bed in an hour, so I best try to get out of this bathroom, so I’ll end this here.

I just had to rant while I was stuck in here. 8 out of 10 suppers are eaten in here. And I am so sick of it.

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Been too long

I haven’t been here in a long time. At least, not to post. Got in crap at work for posting about work on line (even though I never mentioned it by name). Since here, Facebook, and Twitter were the only outlets I had in my life, I would vent on them. In the same way Most would with their friends in a bar after work.

Yes, some of my posts were darker, but that happens when you have health problems mixed with mental health problems, and apparently folks who treat it as a “scary thing” tm.

This caused me to withdraw from on line. A lot. I will keep it that way in most places, but here? I will no hide myself any more. THIS is my bar, this is where I vent. And all of you may not all be friends, but you are there, listening, maybe even commiserating? I will never mention my work by name, or anything except the fact I work with the public. I will even try to keep anything about work (that doesn’t directly involve my health*) off of here.

Thing is, not just pulling back on line, I pulled back in life. Hell, I didn’t even realize HOW bad my depression had gotten until more recently. This is what that post is about.

I had been feeling off for awhile. That much I acknowledged. Since depression can change and evolve, since it lies and deceives, we don’t always know when our old foe is coming back around!

That was me. Hell, all my life I didn’t even give a THOUGHT to anything outside my little bubble. didn’t actually care. Never really thought about mental health**. And from a very young age I knew pain on a monthly basis. Oh yes, all biological women know that. But some of us know more. This is something that had me seeing doctors early on. It kept me from school several days each period, and kept me from most activities. I bleed from day one until … well, I think the longest back then was 16 days? But BOY could I be misremembering?

I was anemic often.

I am mild anemic again. Not really a good mix with hypothyroidism, and depression. BOY do those three fuck. you. up. Mentally and physically. My low immune system gets even worse.

So.

I got the flu.

Thankfully I get the flu shots every year! (well, minus last year. NEVER making that mistake again) so it is a milder version, and won’t keep me off work more than this week off. But BOY did it come on fast. Or maybe slow? With depression in the mix, it is hard to say how long the flu had been trying to get hold of me.

To back track about no clue on time a month ago? I honestly don’t know. But about a month ago I discovered Shadowhunters on Netflix. My usual “feeling down” is to re-watch Supernatural (see a theme?) from start to end. BUT, damned Canadian Netflix doesn’t have it any more, and I don’t have the first mumbles some number she doesn’t remember right now seasons. So, I need something similar.

AAAAAND of course I didn’t know that it had been canceled. FUCK I hate that.

So, I had a mild epiphany.

I always assumed the shows triggered my depression. But, I would wallow there for a few episodes, seasons, series. It felt like an old comfortable bathrobe you use when sick. Or an old teddy from grade school that you haul out anytime you need it. Then I’d get to the other side, look back and wonder how I got through it.

Honestly, Sometimes it CAN be a bit scary? My thoughts get warped, and twisted around the music and themes of the shows. Not so bad as to become a reality bender. I DO know the difference. I just mean. God. What do I mean? It’s like being in a large pool at night. You know you are safe and can tread water for hours. But you lean back your head and watch the stars, and spin. You lose your place in the world, just for a second. Your head goes under and you sputter. Because you lost focus on the treading water. It’s like that. Regrets, what-ifs, I regress my age (in the sense of confidence, memories, etc), I get more and more lost in that world.

BUT, by the time I was on my second view of the series***, I realized! It is NOT the shows that bring on the depression. Sure, it makes me see it, feel it, and recognize it. But after that? It is much like an oar, or life jacket, just when you need it.

In this time, that is when I feel both the most lonely, and yet needing to be alone.

And I am amazed I kept this post so coherent to this point! But, now we reach the point where my mind slips off track. And today, there isn’t anything else super pressing rattling in my head.

Just more of the same on my health. Which probably will never get named, but is real nonetheless. (hope I catch all my spelling mistakes!) So many things combining to make it complicated. And the latest being the flu.

So I will finish here. I just want you to know. Alone, or not, you are NOT the only one. If you need to reach out, do it. It may not always come right away, and it may not always be in away you expect, or even recognize at first, but it is out there. Both help, and sameness. Sometimes different is NOT what you need, or want.

 

 

 

*AFTER I mention – there are some in life, that can not fathom, sympathize, empathize, or understand the trials of chronic health problems. Some also form biases against those with illness, especially those who don’t have something that isn’t named. I see you out there. I see those that are bullying, I see those that are bullied. I get those bullied might not have any choice, or any voice to speak up against their bully(ies). But hold on. Hold on for YOU, hold on for those watching, for those that need a hero to look up to. We see you, we see your strength and we draw strength from it, and pour back strength for you!

** As I got older, I did remember Mom taking me to what I believe is a child psychologist? I don’t know. What I do know, I saw a tree, bird, cat and blob. Apparently that was for my bed wetting? or something? I just remember getting a tiny pill that was supposed to help control it for sleep overs??

*** I tend to do any where from 1 – 3 first episode to last of a series I love and get “sucked into”. And sometimes during that I bounce to favorite episodes. But certainly after I jump straight to a hand full of favourites.

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Too many thoughts, not enough words.

Right now, I have so very many thoughts running through my head, and yet, I don’t seem to have the words to form those thoughts into the physical space that is a conversation, or even just venting, or talking here, twitter, or Facebook.

One thing I have running around in my brain is about a tenant who committed suicide this past week. It is affecting my husband a great deal. My husband use to be one of the “suicide is cowardice”, and he still struggles with how shameful etc that he feels it is.

That’s one thought.

Another is just how I am feeling and doing. I also wonder at my lack of caring regarding the above mentioned suicide. I mean I agree it’s a sad thing, and I am a bit stunned, but over all, life goes on.

Too many thoughts to list, work, life, pain, health (or lack of), money, the kid, the world. Life, death.

I was just starting to feel like maybe I knew where I fit in this world, and I realize I still have no clue.

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