Mentally, right this moment, I am in a state that is somewhere between utter panic, and quiet resign. I don’t really know WHAT is going on with my body. For all I know this is purely mental. It just feels more than that.
Once again I’ve started in the middle. Let me start over.
I have now been at work for 4 weeks, and about to start my fourth. It’s been rough. Look, I knew, and take full responsibility for all my problems I have, or might have, by going back sooner than I should have. But I have my reasons. I was up against a deadline, actually, PAST my deadline, and on a down hill spiral on fire.
See, it took them 6 FUCKING LONG MONTHS to go inside me and figure out what was wrong. It took 3 months for the specialist to even reply, and when they did it was “nope, not going to see her” no reason WHY they wouldn’t see me, just that they wouldn’t take me. Thankfully, I had had my surgery by then, so it was a non-issue. But still.
6 months with out my pay cheque. I wasn’t working, couldn’t work. Most days, I went from the bed to the couch, and didn’t move except for bathroom visits and to go back to bed. By the end, before surgery, just standing to go to the bathroom would bloat my belly so badly I felt like I would explode from the pressure. Movement hurt, touch, hurt. EVERYTHING hurt.
Six months before I was able to get a note to go back to work. 6 and half months before I was at work. Yes, we had (have) our trailer park management cheque. But it barely pays enough for bills and food. Not enough for rent (yes, we still pay rent to the park we manage), and even then many of our bills were being paid less than half. STILL have outstanding bills. We were borrowing rent money for food and gas for the car.
I could not AFFORD to take the full 6 weeks to recover and be fully healed. Hell, I couldn’t afford the six months off.
After being away from human population for that long, and being only 3 weeks out from surgery, I KNEW I was going to get sick. I planned for it (though, I did forget to get a Prednisone prescription). I bought all the cold supplies before going to work. Made sure I used my gloves, never touched my face. I still got hit pretty hard. But I never took time off. Not until the 3rd week, the first week I went full-time – 8 hour days (8 1/2 if you count lunch break, 9 if you count I get there 1/2 hour early – I went home 2 hours early my 2nd day – 3rd week – with pain in the surgical area, and missed the 3rd day.
This past week, I kept getting that pain, enough so that from the 3rd day on I had to take half a Percocet at lunch break. Even that would wear off after 3 hours, Friday it wore off after just over an hour.
Yesterday, I ended up spending almost 3 hours on the toilet with diarrhea. Thankfully I did not have the pain like I use to, but I did have “stomach bug” like sharp pains while going. No blood, not a lot of mucous, but not fun.
And now, today, all day, I have had pain, slowly growing in intensity, to the point I wish I could take a full Percocet. But, I only have 2 halves left, and NEED to save those for work. I HAVE to work.
I don’t know if this is my old problem coming back. Maybe it is. It could be because I have pushed myself to hard, too fast. Somehow I doubt it. While it is VERY similar, and familiar, and much of it in the area they removed the ovary, it isn’t quite the same. Even the pain in the stomach area. It’s there? But. It’s not. It’s different. And my GERD is coming back.
I suspect I do actually have IBS. I suspect that my main trigger is certain bread products (haven’t figured out which ones yet. Just know it must be a preservative, as it is NOT all store-bought ones, just the odd one here and there. And never my homemade breads), stress (I am certainly stressing. About my pain, work, being sick, fucking freaked the hell out about this coming back …), and allergies. PLUS, I am SURE the coughing I had from my asthma flaring up due to that fucking cold bruised muscles.
I am sure if I could have taken more time, or been able to have a week off while sick, or had my Prednisone on hand to kick the cough before it got bad, or, or, or ….
But I didn’t, couldn’t, wouldn’t.
I have to go with what I have. What is done, is done, and I have to figure shit (hahaha) out going forward, using the information and tools I have on hand.
So. Step one in my plan, getting enough sleep. THAT is THE hardest one for me to accomplish. When stressed, or worried, or depressed, I avoid my bed. I avoid it like it is some serial killer trying to make me it’s prized last kill. NO THANK YOU! I need to stop worrying that I MIGHT have to poop (that’s one excuse I use to avoid bed), I need to stop worrying it will take too long to fall asleep so I need to be more tired (That doesn’t even make sense). Name an excuse, I have probably used it.
Next, I NEED to drink more water. I SADLY lack in that department. I try, I think about trying, but I fail. I just don’t drink. My water-glass sits full beside me, ice melted, table wet, until I realize my mouth is dry and I am actually beyond thirsty. I need an app or something that will beep (slap my face would be better?) every 5 minutes to remind me to take a drink of water.
My next step should be to stop focusing on the pain. THIS will be the hardest. Whining is all I know for dealing with it, makes me feel better for some stupid reason. I WILL stop. “I’m great, thanks. You?” YES, I have pain. It could be anything causing it, but worrying, and freaking out won’t stop it. Honestly? I think I need to learn to live with it, and around it. I need to figure out what foods to avoid, be vigilant about avoiding the ones I know are a problem, and no straying. Not EVEN for special occasions. And I need to let. It. Go. (wanna build a snowman? …. sorry, had to!!) I MUST let the fear go. I can NOT hang on to it like I am. It will kill me, emotionally and mentally at least, if I keep holding on so tight.
I’m not saying I don’t have a reason, and right to be scared. Oh, I KNOW I have those. I am just saying that I need to find a way to acknowledge it, then just, let go.
This is going to be the hardest thing I have ever done. It is a bigger fear than all my other fears (including spiders), combined! To be truthful? I can only think of my fear of spiders right now. Not really “afraid” of much? Sill, this, this pain coming back? PARALYZING!
And last, or at least last one I can think of, for now. I need to stop worrying about other people, including (especially) family, and friends. Now, I don’t mean in a “fuck all y’all!!!” kind of way, or even in a “nope, go away, you don’t matter any more” way. I just mean, I need to stop worrying if people who I barely know like me, or if a friend is mad, sad, glad, or likes my hair. I NEED to stop putting everyone else’s mental, and physical health, above my own.
The biggest one? I need to stop worrying that if I say “I feel in pain, do you mind if I lay down ALONE for a bit” that my husband will be upset or mad. Or if I say “We can NOT spend any more money until X day” that my husband will become depressed (his BIGGEST trigger for depression)
I can’t. I can NOT walk on egg shells any more. I will NOT be insensitive! I just mean I won’t run from a problem, or stress MYSELF out figuring out how far one dollar can cover 100, or how to accommodate my health and hubby’s when my needs don’t match his.
No, I NEED to start caring for myself first (or at all even) for a change. BUT, I NEED to do it with OUT the guilt.
THAT is my biggest stressor, and trigger for depression. And holy FUCK did I feel it these last 6 months. Still do actually. I have just gotten a FUCK ton better at hiding it (well, not so much on-line. Here I vent. Not as many “people I know” where I vent. Or if they are, they are people I trust not to say anything about it, or to just ignore me out right (the ranting at any rate, not me as a person). Now, if I could JUST get the paranoia under control. After all, it is what I want.
I honestly have no idea where to begin with all of this. It’s partly why I have been off-line (minus a few games I play) today. Did go on twitter a couple of hours ago though.
I don’t know. I am thinking I might even give up the games for a while. So what if an animal dies, or my land gets overgrown, or something like that. Maybe a week off-line would do me some good? What would I miss? Trump being a dick? Whats new? Trolls being dicks? Again, I ask, what’s new?
Only really one person that I care about on-line, and I’m sure she’d understand if I didn’t like or comment on her stuff for a week. (though, I WOULD miss the dog pics. SQUEEE)
I’ll think about that one.
Umm should probably start with the sleep one? It’s almost 4 am, my eye sight is so blurry it’s almost as bad as if I wasn’t wearing my glasses!! (well, could NEVER get that bad ….?) Holy fuck. This really is a hard one. I just do NOT want to go to bed, even though I am exhausted, and WANT to sleep …
I am one fucked up weirdo. 😦
No wonder I have so few friends. sigh (hell, I still wonder how I got married! No. Seriously. I still wonder after 22 years of marriage. My poor kid to have such parents … 😥 )
Fine. I am going to bed. AND having water.
Someone remind me to drink water tomorrow ….AND SLEEP