Creative spark [DOC UPDATED – THIRD TIME]

I’ve decided to have this post, and attached document, as a place to put my random creative thoughts. I am hoping that but posting this it may spark my creative a bit more. force me outside my comfort zone, and allow my ideas a chance to untangle from the depths of my brain where things go to die.

I’ll just update the document from time to time with my stuff, maybe? I really do suck at follow through.

I’m not directly asking for any feedback, I am not doing it for that, but if you feel you want to give feedback, please do so gentle as this is a very fragile thing right now. I’d hate to lose any forward momentum just because of some criticism. Maybe one day I will be able to handle more than that?

Now, that’s not to say I can’t handle some! I’m not that bad. (I hope?) just nothing to picky or …. well nothing like “oh, that sucked! no plot or flow, and the spelling was worse than my dogs. And don’t even get me STARTED on the grammar!” or “Oh my god? You call THAT a drawing? I saw a better face in the patterns of rain on the sidewalk”

THAT would kill me!

Something like “Hey. Cool, nice start there. Some polish on that and it has a chance.” Or “Just curious if you meant there or their in the 4th sentence? I wasn’t sure of the direction depending on the word”, hell even if you said “Might have missed it, but noticed the nose was upside down on that last drawing, Is that intended?”

Those I (think?) I could handle. 😉

Yes, I am a baby! But the spark needs a breeze, not a downpour.


Besides, I am hoping that nurturing my creativity will be the tools I need to fight any depression, or hum drums, or whatever. shrugs

Hell, maybe if I ever get any money I’ll even take singing lessons, see if I can’t get my singing voice back? (Maybe not …)

Creative Snippets – 73116


Decided I would just upload my updated documents as a whole new link. Sort of a “progress” view for myself, and on the odd chance anyone wanted to see any differences?

Creative Snippets – 81416

[UPDATE – 2]

Creative Snippets – 82316

[UPDATE – 3]


In a land far, far away, there lived people I knew very little about. These people had lives, and loves, that were much like my own. Yet I envied them, much as they surely envied me.

Neither people knew of the envy the other held. They assumed that each were suffering worse lives than the other. They tried to imagine that the other people were like them, but as is the nature of the human heart, they tended to be self absorbed and could not imagine someone having a life worse than their own.

Those that had travelled, and visited these other people knew the truth. Knew that other people in far away places also suffered, and in some cases much worse fates. They would come back to their lands and try to tell their people how others were just like them. How some had it easy, and some worse. But because they had not seen it for themselves, they dismissed these claims as falsehoods meant to take them from their own worries, and use what little resources they had for people they were sure had it better.

One day, one of the leaders had enough. He was so sure the other lands had it better he chose to arm his people, trained them to fight, and kill. He led them to battle these other lands.

Since both sides had thought the same thought, they met in the middle, both sides thinking that surely they were right, as the other side had weapons and knew how to fight. They must be better off.

The few who saw the darkness of those thoughts and actions left both sides, to be called traitor and enemy. Those that reminded to fight grew more darkness and hatered in their hearts. They taught the next generations their hatered.

Each generation would produce a few traitors who would leave their lands. They would travel many years to the outliers and find others of their own heart.

Unfortunately it was not enough. Because as traitors left to join them, they had those in their own ranks through the generations who would leave to be with those that had hate in their hearts. They grew in numbers, but not quickly enough. After thousands of years, the haters over ran their planet, and the planet died.

This continues to happen on other planets, only a few over come. Only a tiny percentage manages to spread kindness and caring above the hate before the planet dies.

Will this planet be one of those small few?
Will the traitors and enemy be louder than the haters?
Who will step up to spread the love and save this planet?


She stood in front of the window. All the lights off, watching the large fluffy flakes fall rapidly from the sky. They sparkled like gems in the street lights. The tree branches grew white and heavy, dipping lower to the ground, as if they wished to be part of it.

As the snow continued to fall damping the sounds of the world, one branch, then another got their wish and would fall to the ground with a dull thud. Leaving behind for just a moment, a brown scar across the white blanket. But as quickly as the scars appeared, it would be covered up, the only evidence it was there the small depression in the blanket. But in time, even that too would disappear.

She gave a little snort, thinking back to when her mother, or maybe it was her father or some other random person, told her how it was a metaphor for life. Maybe it was, mistakes can be fixed, or be hidden, but much like the spring thaw, things tend to always have a way to show back up, looking more decayed and slimey than when it happened. All because it was covered up.

Tomorrow was ‘his’ trial. Would ‘his’ past actions be turned to the light? Would they look more decayed and slimey than when it happened? Or would he once again come out looking like the snow drops and crocuses that pop out of the decay?

She started to shake things about being in front of yet another jury, reliving the horror she felt so many years ago. How can they see his memories as so accurate, yet veiw all of Thiers as if they were stupid women who couldn’t keep a thought longer than a gnats life?

She turned from the window, wondering when this nightmare would end. When would she be able to look at snow, or anything, with out it coming back to ‘him’.

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Please hold, your life will resume in ….


Not much has changed. Okay, not entirely true, it’s just … Well, a lot of little stuff is going on and I am really struggling to make sense of my life, world, and everything in it right now.

Still waiting on specialists to figure out my health, waiting on work to be moved to different department so health problems ease a bit, waiting on “big news” to decide where to go next with getting caught up on bills, waiting … Waiting …

I am in limbo. On hold. Trying to juggle it all and keep it in the air until something, anything, is settled. If just one thing is figured out, most of everything will start to slowly click in to their respective places.

It is very difficult to hurry up and wait.

All the stress of HUaW along with still being on till at work has caused actual constipation, not just a slow down of my system. It also means I am taking more pain killer than I’d like, sometimes as much as a full pill and a half (usually just need half). And I am needing it 4 out of 5 days a work week.

Now, YES, I COULD get away without it, but then I would need to call in sick 1 or 2 shifts a week. And I can’t afford that. Of course so much pain killer is most definitely adding to the real constipation. While the Percocet normally doesn’t cause that, taking it almost twice the amount will of course cause it.

But, I deserve to be able to work with minimal pain. I’d say pain free. But it isn’t. But does lessen it to the point I can fake that I am. Which means no customer complaints about me “needing to be moved to the back for looking sickly, because no one wants to see some one in pain when they shop”

(TRUST me, I take that -paraphrased- comment with a HUGE grain of salt, as it comes from the co-worker who has way more sick time than I do, yet feels I should be the one to quit due to sick time …)

Whatever, I need to try for 6 hours of sleep now, since my body hates me.

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Place holder

Unsure of what I am experiencing right now with my health is a problem or not?

So, having hubby call doc for an appointment ASAP, and will update here once I’ve seen doc.

At least work is better.

For those that hate cryptic … Here’s the TMI section …..

The last 3 nights, when I felt I have had to have a BM, what happens is I go (sometimes), but the water is a dark red from blood (that is a lot of blood, to turn the water dark red), and between 3 – 6 toonie sized blood clots. Some floating, most sinking. They range from “just a hemorrhoid”, to “WHAT THE FUCK!?”

And super gross moment, I have 2 of the clots saved to show doc, along with pictures.

So … Umm … Yep.

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That feeling when …

I really hate this feeling. I am excited, nervous, and just scared about something I want to share to my friends, but I can’t post about it anywhere in case people who I don’t want to see it see it, and it is frustrating as hell!

I am also very frustrated that I HAVE to get special forms filled out by my doctor for work to take me off till and place me in a different section. I just, it feels weird. Why can’t I just switch? Being on till is killing me. I felt absolutely amazing after the antibiotic treatment, even the adhesion(s)/endometriosis wasn’t so bad. Then I go back to work, and after 2 days I am in so much pain I want to cry! Thing is? It’s now the damaged/pinched/something nerves in my back/spike/neck (somewhere?) that is also getting worse. Which, can mean the adhesions and endometriosis has gotten so bad it has developed nerve systems of their own, and attached to spine? Not likely, but is something to think about considering the pain I am in?

Oh, I will push through every single day and make it to the end of my shifts, even if it kills me. It may not be with a smile, but I am doing my DAMNEDEST to do it without complaining, or even “special favours”. But when you have to resort to narcotics on your first shift of your week? (after trying several other OTC and prescriptions each break), it is difficult.

Doc has already told me he will write, or fill out anything I need to get me off till (he really feels the repetition is what is causing my insides to flare up and never heal). But man, I hate this.

I KNOW I am a hard worker (or can be when physically able), I LIKE my job. I LOVE the customers. I just don’t like, no, can’t handle the pain. If I look at this as if talking to someone else in my spot, And remove the guilt, I shouldn’t HAVE to deal with the pain. NO ONE should be forced to live in pain (well, maybe I can think of a few?) And if that means I need to change to a different position in the store, then why should I feel bad, or guilty?

Holy fuck but it sucks getting old while you have health problems.

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So much going on right now, yet nothing really different? It’s hard to really update, vent, share, moan, or any other thing I would here, because honestly? I am not sure where I am.

Right now, I feel very much like my position in the universe hasn’t changed, but the universe has changed around me. I don’t know, it’s hard to explain. I feel both grounded, and determined, and yet, I also feel so lost, and like giving up. It’s a very messy feeling right now.

Life, work, even relaxing, it all seems so … confusing, difficult, changing, and yet all so routine and just UGH. Could be the depression? I always forget about it, and the fact I have SAD, until I am on the way out – at my worst. It feels like it sneaks up on me, I think “Hey, this year hasn’t been bad!” then BOOM! something small like spilled water or something will make me want to curl in a ball and hide from the world because it is ending.

What I do know, is I need to work on some stuff, and figure out how to deal with the pain. I can not keep coming home and subjecting my family to the head turning, anger filled bitch I am at the end of the day. It’s not right, it’s not fair. Not to them, not to me, not to anyone. I just feel so “on” at work, pushing through the pain when I think I can’t, that by the time I get home, I lose it. sigh

Working on it all.


Posted in Anxiety, depression, Family, Health, Life | Leave a comment

Things I know

This will be a short list … bah dum dum hehehe

Okay, I’ll be serious for a second.

This is in regards to my health. Between the last two hospital visits, my own research, talking to doc, talking to Mom (and showing her the blood results – she was an RN for a billion years!! ❤ ), we have come up with a few new/old/revisited ideas for what the fuck is going on with my body.

Really, the credit has to go to me 50% for thinking of printing out the graphs my health portal (on phone only), then the other 50% is all of us piecing the puzzle together. It’s only 75 – 80% with the middle section missing, but we are starting to figure things out!! Which, is why we are going with a treatment, then working back to the diagnosis.

So, here it is, what I (we) know so far:

  • Still pretty sure I have endometriosis/adhesions
  • Certain blood tests spike/drop HARD when I am “flaring”
  • Allergies get worse
  • Eczema spreads
  • Red dots multiple
  • Pain rises
  • Bowel issues increase
  • Mental fog mounts
  • Dehydration begins
  • Nerves in back/shoulders spikes
  • Thyroid numbers go up
  • And a host of other “generalized symptoms” show up.

*** As much as I am loath to ever have the flu like this again, and will get the shot in the future? I must grudgingly admit that being hit so hard really helped in adding to the picture. Showing us some of the outlines and positions as it were. ***

Apart, these things all showed us nothing. With all the imaging testing (which was never done during a “flare” due to waiting lines, even for urgent) showing us nothing, we were stumped. BUT, the one thing that kept popping up, kept coming around, seemed to fit, but was never actually there?? Liver damage and gall stones (or kidney stones). But, since it would all fade away, and all the results go back to MY “normal” before the imaging or scopes, etc. It was leaving us with more questions than answers.

We tried treating the symptoms, based on the possible diagnosis, based on results. Some would work for a short time, but never be very effective in the long run.

So, we decided to forgo the imaging and scopes etc this time. Act as if we had them and the backed up the blood tests. (I gave doc permission to do this! NOT going in blind to this) Unfortunately, without the real tests, it doesn’t give us a definitive, as the blood tests give us three possibilities: 1.) Gall/kidney stones, 2.) Gall bladder/liver/kidney infection, 3.) or gall bladder(and bile duct)/liver/kidney damage, bonus 4.) with a tiny chance of SIBO (which hasn’t shown before, but all symptoms say yes).

Now, treatment: 1.) since x-rays show nothing, and ultra sounds never show anything, is to just wait it out. 2.) Bomb the fuck out of it with antibiotics, while replacing the good stuff with probiotics (which I can’t FUCKING AFFORD because I am yet again off for a week min. grr) 3.) several options – surgery, special meds, pain relief, and others we didn’t talk about. BUT if the antibiotics make things MUCH worse, THIS is the route to chase!! and 4.) The antibiotics and probiotics plus MINOR changes to diet (which I’ve tried – didn’t work, but I know I can do it with ease.).

So as you can see, as much as doc and I hate the use of antibiotics without a diagnoses, it really is our best chance at getting confirmation/diagnoses of what it is that is eluding us so fucking hard.

Now, I didn’t mention cancer, or other issues that it could be because the blood markers, and the imaging would actually corroborate that. And yes, there is a possibility that it could be “hiding”. But it’s a slim chance.

The weird part? if it is 2, 3, something else, or even unlikely number 4? It explains so damned many of my results, how certain treatments would work then fail, and the symptoms themselves. Now, during treatment, and possibly a few days after, I may actually feel worse (hence the whole week off), BUT, even then, I should start noticing a change in the pain at least. And it will give at least a much smaller area of focus for what we need to be looking for and at to get that elusive diagnosis.

PLUS? It REALLY helped that doc reassured me that there really IS something wrong with me, it is NOT in my head. I mean, ya. Okay. Logically I KNEW that, but it felt fucking amazing to hear it from him. “No, there is obviously something wrong. It’s just so damn elusive. It’s not you, not at all imagination.” (I am 80% sure that is the direct quote? It surprised me a bit, and helped. So I am fuzzy)


Yep. May not be fully there, but nice to know this will help narrow it down even more! It REALLY, REALLY does pay to know your health, do your research and fight like a cat in heat for what you feel is right when it comes to your illness and health. I can not stress that enough!

BUT, a word of caution! DO not take the word of the Internet as the holy word, the final word. It is not! As much as people make fun of it? WebMD is a good source of information, medline, mayoclinic, NIH, medicinenet, and if you can read the boring medical stuff with no pictures and lots of fancy big words, NHS has some amazing stuff. ALL those sites (with a big grain of salt, mixed in with my test) all have been huge in helping me help my doctor. The big but part: Use the research, print it out, but talk WITH your doctor. Don’t go in there and say “THIS is what I have”, ASK, “is this possible? here’s the symptoms that match, and what doesn’t, why I think it’s a fit”. And LISTEN to your doctor. If he listens to you, and gives reasons as to why he disagrees, or agrees, and gives you other possibilities? THAT is a good, no GREAT doctor. But if he looks at you, snorts, and says things about believing the Internet, or who’s the doctor, etc? Then find yourself a new doctor. YOU want one who is willing to listen, willing to work with you.

And look, depending on the country you are in, and the money needed, and a host of other things, keep in mind? generalized symptoms that fit a billion and one problems? BE A PATIENT PATIENT! It will take time. But do not let up. You can be patient while moving things along.

Be HONEST with your doctor.



Help your doctor help you. It’s a partnership, and if it is running smoothly? it might take time, but it will get done.

I am VERY blessed to have a family, and friends who have stood by me, and held me up and pushed me forward when I wanted to give up. IT pays to give going, no matter how hard it is.


Keep fighting, keeping pushing, you are NOT alone.


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