Creative spark [DOC UPDATED – TWICE]

I’ve decided to have this post, and attached document, as a place to put my random creative thoughts. I am hoping that but posting this it may spark my creative a bit more. force me outside my comfort zone, and allow my ideas a chance to untangle from the depths of my brain where things go to die.

I’ll just update the document from time to time with my stuff, maybe? I really do suck at follow through.

I’m not directly asking for any feedback, I am not doing it for that, but if you feel you want to give feedback, please do so gentle as this is a very fragile thing right now. I’d hate to lose any forward momentum just because of some criticism. Maybe one day I will be able to handle more than that?

Now, that’s not to say I can’t handle some! I’m not that bad. (I hope?) just nothing to picky or …. well nothing like “oh, that sucked! no plot or flow, and the spelling was worse than my dogs. And don’t even get me STARTED on the grammar!” or “Oh my god? You call THAT a drawing? I saw a better face in the patterns of rain on the sidewalk”

THAT would kill me!

Something like “Hey. Cool, nice start there. Some polish on that and it has a chance.” Or “Just curious if you meant there or their in the 4th sentence? I wasn’t sure of the direction depending on the word”, hell even if you said “Might have missed it, but noticed the nose was upside down on that last drawing, Is that intended?”

Those I (think?) I could handle. 😉

Yes, I am a baby! But the spark needs a breeze, not a downpour.

 

Besides, I am hoping that nurturing my creativity will be the tools I need to fight any depression, or hum drums, or whatever. *shrugs*

Hell, maybe if I ever get any money I’ll even take singing lessons, see if I can’t get my singing voice back? (Maybe not …)

Creative Snippets – 73116

[UPDATE]

Decided I would just upload my updated documents as a whole new link. Sort of a “progress” view for myself, and on the odd chance anyone wanted to see any differences?

Creative Snippets – 81416

[UPDATE – 2]

Creative Snippets – 82316

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Work, surgery, and time

I seriously need to work on my titles. I have rare good ones, but majority of them suck. shrugs Ah well, on to the post.

So work has been going well, last few shifts I have been having some cramping and twinges in the surgery sites, and stomach. But I have a feeling that has more to do with me being backed up. Which would be from the remaining inflammation from surgery, which gets aggravated from standing for so long. Right now I am playing the balancing act and losing (I think?)

For now, I am going to treat myself as if I have IBS (I probably do). Surgery dealt with the worst of my problems, but I still need to control the workings of my bowel. At least until enough time has gone by that I can know if it is, or is not from surgery.

Today I worked 6 hours. I was called in early (given a choice, but hey, more money!) to cover for a few people who called in sick. I survived, but holy CRAP was the last hour really hard. Sort of scares me for Monday when I switch to 8 hour shifts, with only one day off to rest. I don’t know. Plus going to the bigger tills? That means lots of lifting (express tills I can slide the bags to the bag rest area).

The only thing preventing me from freaking out is that I spoke with boss lady today. She asked me everything that happened since last time we’d spoken (way before the surgery), and man, I had to laugh! She couldn’t get over how little pain I had considering what was wrong. I just shrugged and told her that it was bad towards the end, but not as bed as she thought it should be. I didn’t go into the fact I have a high thresh hold for pain, not much point. No one ever really believes it, they just think you are exaggerating how much or little pain you have. She did tell me that I should have taken more time off, but like I told her, no one is going to pay my bills but me, and I couldn’t wait any longer. SO, she told me, once I am on full shifts if I have ANY problems, just let her know and she will put me on the wheel1, so that I can have a chair and sit down! (usually no one gets a chair! She likes me. 😉 or she just doesn’t want me off sick again …. hehehe) I am hoping I don’t need to do that, or if I do? Not very often. I HATE getting special treatment if I don’t need it.

And though I am loathe to say it, I have to once again say that I am grateful the doctors put their feet down regarding me having reduced hours. And while I am glad, monetarily, that they didn’t insist for the amount of time off, part of me wishes they also insisted I had more time off. But, while it may add time to my actual full recovery time, I am glad to be able to buy groceries etc again! And pay some bills off.

Yep. I’ll live, maybe even thrive, if I can just get through another month? But no matter what, it is still no where NEAR as bad as it was. Just a bit unsettling because I worry that pain will come back. But that too will fade in time, and I won’t be so twitchy about it. Until then, I’ll just keep reminding myself of why it is not the same, and keep pushing through.

As much as work is hard, and even sometimes annoying, it really is nice to be back!!

 

 


  1. The wheel is a sort of game that people pay so much money for spins. They then spin the wheel to win different amounts of points. The points go on the loyalty card, which can be used for money off groceries, or buy products or trips. It’s a cushy job. 
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Was it something I said?

Man, pretty sure I am a giant, royal fuck up many days. But lately, it seems I can’t do, or say anything right.

Sure, I could blame trying to get back into the swing of work, I could blame the cold, or allergies, or even lack of sleep. Hell, I could even blame my anxiety that every pang I feel is my health going into the shitter (literally) again.

But I won’t. I only have myself to blame. There are no excuses for taking emotional, or physical problems out on other people.

And even when I am right (I may have been gone 6 months, but some things will never change, don’t TELL me it has), it is no excuse to act like a bitch.

Thing is? I have no clue what is really a problem, and what is from my depression caused paranoia. Like, are people REALLY avoiding me? If so, was it what I said? Did? Didn’t do?

And if they aren’t avoiding me, then why no contact, or smiles, or hellos? And why are some giving me side eye?

I am very grateful for the ones so excited to see me back at work, and the hugs, and squeals. Just wish I could figure out the other stuff. I mean for some (many) I could not care one iota less about them. But some, it hurts.

Hell, it’s not even so much the co-workers. It’s customers, acquaintances, friends, family – people I care about. Those, I worry about.

Makes me feel evil. Like I don’t deserve good stuff because I fuck up. Well, that’s what the paranoid part of my brain says.

I think I know better?

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TMI. So much TMI!

Really, I recommend you turn back now. This is about colds, sinuses, and bowel function. It will get sticky and gross!

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Okay, should be enough space to hide the worst from Facebook’s auto-preview thing. So on with the grosstasticness!!

First, I am VERY grateful both the surgeon and doc put their feet (foots?) down about the reduced hours (to be honest, I think they actually meant less than I am getting.) If I had gotten my way, I would probably be back in the hospital or something! 5 days of 4 hour shifts standing? HARD.

I hate to admit this, but it’s been both easier, and a lot harder than I thought it would be. See, my logical brain KNEW it was going to be rough. I assumed sharp pains, needing to sit down, maybe even take extra breaks. I haven’t. Much easier than that.

The other side of me figured since I was feeling so good 4 hours would be a breeze! That part figured I MIGHT get sore feet, maybe a sore back. I figured a shift or two and I’d be fine. Thought the worst part would be trying to remember everything. It was as lot harder than that.

The truth of it all is this: I underestimated my body’s reaction to the surgery. I assume that because I had little to no pain that I was mostly healed and wouldn’t have pain. And I overestimated my body’s memory for standing and moving.

I also forgot to factor in a person’s low immunity for a month or so (wildly varies per person) after surgery, and the fact I have hypothyroidism, AND my allergies.

I was off work 6 months. I also had very little contact (almost none in the last 2 or 3) with the outside world. My system forgot how to fight the common stuff. I wear gloves for several reasons, but the main is to remind me not to touch my face. It works. I would HATE to think how bad I’d be if I didn’t wear gloves, or had touched my face!

The first day shocked me. Hardly any pain, just sore feet, some bloating, rare sharp pains in surgical sites, and an urgency to poop when I got home. And I did. A lot. My normal, soft and shaggy.*

Second, more of the same, plus back pain, more bloating, and a gas like pain in my bowels, and less poop more mucous.

Third day? I regretted going back to work. My hair hurt. My bowels needed evacuating the second I walked in the door. And I damned near over flowed the toilet and it was almost liquid. I wasn’t sure I’d make it 2 more days.

The next 2 days I don’t recall the details, but similar to day 1 and 2, a mix. So odd pooping every day. For me. And so easily. STILL takes over an hour, but that is a lazy bowel for you. Plus how long had it been tied up like that? It is shy. Hehe

I had yesterday off, and did very little. Bowels kicked in around the time I’d get off work. (I better never work a night shift!!)

Each day my bowels get sore and sharp pains (like food poisoning cramps, less intense) after work until I poop. Once that first bit is out, the pain stops. Tonight is the first time I’ve had spasms since the surgery. Not painful. Just weird. But as always, I never feel done. Feels like I have diarrhea, even if it isn’t. Like I could go any second. And I do, sometimes, go multiple times in the VERY long time I sit here.

Thing is? I can’t figure out if this is the old problem coming back, a new problem, or just my usual bowel but with added aches because of surgery.

Adding it up it seems like it is a combination problem: my bowels are normally lazy, and the poop is loose. Now I am also dealing with post surgery inflammation. Add to that, the fact I am a cashier, standing for 4 hours (for now. Go to 8 next Sunday!! 😱) which will add to the inflammation. And mix in germs and colds, and a low immune system …

I might just be patient zero.

My sinuses are leaking out of my nose and threatening my face, my head feels like a solid lead basketball, but sometimes tries to float away. And occasionally a firecracker will go off in the right sinus cavity just behind my eye. But is it a cold? Allergies? More than likely both!

I mean come on, how is it possible to have ANY normal bodily functions with all that? Normal bowels? Not likely. Clear sinuses? HA!

But knowing all that doesn’t stop me from wanting to run to my doctor for tests to make sure. I can’t help but be jumpy. I NEVER want that pain and suffering back. Not ever. To be completely honest? I am not even sure I’d wish it on Trump. Yeah, it was that bad.

Logically I know it isn’t coming back, or if it did, not for a minimum of a year. I just need to get use to work and being around people.

Now, if I could get if the toilet …

*My BMs are still shaggy, mucous filled, and smelly etc. The biggest change is no pain during. And no blood. Very “IBS” like, which is to be expected as my insides are still healing (I suspect that working so soon will up the full recovery time. Possibly to mid October?)

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Body image and health

I don’t know how accurate my title is, and I may change it once I’ve typed the thoughts rambling in my head, but, for now, it is Body image and health.

I have always hated my body, sometimes the whole, sometimes in part. Recent health problems have proven to me that image is also tied to how I feel. When I feel great, I look differently at my body. Sometimes that even rubs off on others, other times, you still have assholes (usually, but not always, men) that feel the need to comment on what you need to change because “you aren’t attractive enough”.

Thankfully, I have reached the age where I could not give a single shit what people like that think. Sure, it stings some, but mostly I get mad because I SUCK at come backs. Frankly, it only matters what I think of my body, and to a smaller degree, my husband1. There are only two areas that I am not sure I will ever like, the flappy back of the upper arms(the “bye bye arm – I wave hello, they wave goodbye …), and my stomach. And for THE longest time, it was just my arms.

My recent health problems have really changed my outlook in regards to my stomach. I know I didn’t really look 9 months pregnant all the time, but it felt like I was, and so to me, I could see that size in the mirror.

Tonight that damned depression cloud threatened again, and I took a good, LONG look at my body (without clothing) in the mirror. I don’t mean in a critical way, though it was difficult to push past that. No, I deliberately looked for the good stuff. I smoothed my hand along areas I liked, pinched areas to ignore, things like that.

I came to a realization (for a short time), I can not ignore my stomach. I hate it with a passion so deep it could honestly drive me mad if I let it. But I just stared at it. Swollen (still) from work, burnt from the over use of heat bag, and the scars from giving birth, hysterectomy, and the latest surgery. And then I did what many women must do when staring at their “fat bellies”, I attempted to suck it in.

Here’s the kicker. I could. Sure, the flabby pouch just above the c-section scar wouldn’t budge (doctors have told me that will never truly go away, reduce maybe, but I will always have a bulge there), but the rest sucked in. See, when I was sick I couldn’t do that. If I even thought about it I would become nauseated, sometimes even dizzy, from the pain and pressure in my abdomen, stomach, and bowels.

I had only half-heartedly tried to suck it in because I expected pain. But when I found none, I tried to REALLY suck it in. You know? Where you suck it in so hard and tight you can’t breathe and everything aches! I did that. I COULD do that. And when I did, guess what I saw? No bloating, no swelling, (minus of course the lower areas and around my incisions … which were odd as they sort of popped out from the flatter areas! made me giggle) AND I could see my ribs. I even had areas that were curved inwards.

I then let it go, just to the point where I could breath comfortable, but still holding it in, and I damned near cried. Not from pain, not even from vanity. No, from relief. I have been so focused on the swelling of my stomach and the pains from after work, that I never gave much thought to what would happen if I train my muscles, or tried to hold it in. I just let it hang because I HAD to when I was so sick.

Okay, yes. I still have some ache, and bruised feeling in the whole area, similar to when I was sick. But the surgeon warned me it would take 6 weeks to recover, and that is not including me working (she said that BEFORE I asked to go back to work, and she wasn’t thrilled with that idea, but grudgingly allowed it with reduced hours), so could be even longer by a few weeks.

I have made my self a promise, perhaps almost a threat, to start holding in my stomach, even just sitting on the couch. I NEED to train my body, and mind, that those muscles CAN and WILL work again. Even if it is just a tiny bit, just enough so I can feel the muscles working, even if the stomach doesn’t move.

It’s odd. It has really lifted my spirits. I don’t think I realized how much I was worried about the swelling. I mean I knew, I just don’t know that I knew how much? Well, at least that’s my theory, that I was worried?

I am, I am so fucking scared of the pain and that hell coming back. I am pretty sure I am waiting for the other shoe, so to speak. So to have this “test” of sorts, to know that I am okay, it is a relief.

I think I’m going to be okay guys!

Still going to buy looser pants with some give in them tomorrow (for work). Because having my breath cut off, and the stomach ACTUALLY get pins and needles from circulation loss near the end of my FOUR HOUR shift, I need to solve that before I start my 8 hour shifts in a week!! I may also buy some cheap stretchy “granny panties” that won’t be so tight. The ones I have now start out loose (because I am not so swollen all the time), but after 2 – 3 hours at work they dig in.

Yep. I need comfort. If I am going to make it to the fully healed point without hating myself/body, then I need some comfort in which to survive! hehe

aaaaand I just saw the clock, umm 5:20 am is way to late for me to be awake. And I wonder why I am so tired all the time. Idiot! Thank fuck I don’t work tomor … today.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


  1. and only because I want to be that way for him, not because he cares. He loves me for me, not my body! Hell, I could look like a tank, or a tree, or a cloud, he wouldn’t care. HE and his love of me no matter what is what has helped boost my confidence in myself. :* Thanks hun! 
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AH Friday!

Well, I made it. Barely, and by the skin of my teeth. But I did it. Made it to the end of my week. Had some rough spots, and the bloating after/during work just is annoying as hell, but Does go away, and not really THAT painful? I mean, there’s pain, but it’s more just unused muscles, I think?

I did manage about 9 hours of sleep last night, so that was awesome. The thing is, I was still just as exhausted! But as I have said (and will probably say a thousand more times) I am pretty sure it is just a matter of time, time to get use to working again. I haven’t moved my body in almost 6 months. The bit I did move it was not enough to actually make those muscles work!

My mood is MUCH better today though, I STILL can’t believe I had a freak out. It was such a stupid thing. Okay, ya, I get one every few years or so (probably how my mind vents itself I suspect), but usually it is after a stupid argument with the hubby, or if I yell at the kid and say something dumb that I regret. In other words, it is usually myself I am mad at, which causes the break down. This time there was NOTHING that should have caused it. I wasn’t mad, didn’t feel threatened, or hated (well, until AFTER it was over, when my brain did the stupid depression thing – well, TRIED too. I fought it off!), I was fine. But all of a sudden. Like a switch was flipped, I felt dumb. Then hubby said something about getting sleep, and the cat nipped me, and Just lack of sleep …. Ugh.

I have gotten teary, watery eyes because I’m tired. But that was the first time I had gotten like that, depression threatening like thunder clouds. I am pretty fucking sure it was all the guilt I suppressed from being off work (trust me, what I talked about didn’t even SCRATCH the surface, didn’t even dull the polish!!!), then the weight of being at work …. that lack of sleep just slapped me to make me look then beat the shit out of me!!

What scares me? I only have one day off. Thankfully I only work 2 then have 2 more off. BUT, I only have one day off after my 4 hour shifts then boom, into my 8 hours after next week is done!! EEK

ANYWAY, yeah. So I AM feeling better. :p And plan on getting a LOT of sleep tonight and tomorrow.

Thankfully, just my feet are the worst today. Back is achy, and tummy is bloated.

 

Anyway, lost what else I was going to say. Tiredness kicked in.

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