Creative spark [DOC UPDATED – TWICE]

I’ve decided to have this post, and attached document, as a place to put my random creative thoughts. I am hoping that but posting this it may spark my creative a bit more. force me outside my comfort zone, and allow my ideas a chance to untangle from the depths of my brain where things go to die.

I’ll just update the document from time to time with my stuff, maybe? I really do suck at follow through.

I’m not directly asking for any feedback, I am not doing it for that, but if you feel you want to give feedback, please do so gentle as this is a very fragile thing right now. I’d hate to lose any forward momentum just because of some criticism. Maybe one day I will be able to handle more than that?

Now, that’s not to say I can’t handle some! I’m not that bad. (I hope?) just nothing to picky or …. well nothing like “oh, that sucked! no plot or flow, and the spelling was worse than my dogs. And don’t even get me STARTED on the grammar!” or “Oh my god? You call THAT a drawing? I saw a better face in the patterns of rain on the sidewalk”

THAT would kill me!

Something like “Hey. Cool, nice start there. Some polish on that and it has a chance.” Or “Just curious if you meant there or their in the 4th sentence? I wasn’t sure of the direction depending on the word”, hell even if you said “Might have missed it, but noticed the nose was upside down on that last drawing, Is that intended?”

Those I (think?) I could handle. 😉

Yes, I am a baby! But the spark needs a breeze, not a downpour.

 

Besides, I am hoping that nurturing my creativity will be the tools I need to fight any depression, or hum drums, or whatever. *shrugs*

Hell, maybe if I ever get any money I’ll even take singing lessons, see if I can’t get my singing voice back? (Maybe not …)

Creative Snippets – 73116

[UPDATE]

Decided I would just upload my updated documents as a whole new link. Sort of a “progress” view for myself, and on the odd chance anyone wanted to see any differences?

Creative Snippets – 81416

[UPDATE – 2]

Creative Snippets – 82316

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Finite reserves

Honestly, I have no clue if I am going to make it through work one more week. BUT, if I can make it 10 more days, I will get 4 days off. EVERY. SINGLE. Day at work, I now have to push myself through. It’s getting harder and harder. It’s not always the pain, though that doesn’t help. It’s the exhaustion. It’s the all over aching, it’s the inability to think. It’s so many things.

It’s not the job, well, I mean it is, but I like my job. It’s the type of job, it’s the repetitiveness of it, the lifting, the standing. It is adding to my already sore body. It’s piling on and I can’t do anything about it. I have to work. Until I win the lottery, or some billionaire just gifts me money, I have to work. Bills don’t just pay themselves.

Today was my Monday, I had about 9 hours of sleep. I was still exhausted, I still felt dizzy and like I could sleep standing up. I need to get healthy, and I just don’t know how.

As soon as I eat, I am going to bed.

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I should just stop trying

Honestly, I don’t know why I keep the drafts I have (4 of them). I keep trying to go over them, but they are to rambling even for me! What the hell? But I keep them, I keep trying to write them, well REwrite them. Mainly because the subject matter (chronic illness, and what it’s like to live with) is an important subject to me.

I want/need (not sure the difference at this point) people to understand what I am going through. Hell, I am creating my own pain scale (levels and intensities) to try to help that. I think I am hoping that if I do this, not only will it help me explain to others what I am feeling, but maybe myself as well.

The biggest problem with living with chronic pain that is caused by an undiagnosed problem, there comes a point where you start to doubt what you feel, what you KNOW, is real. SO, SO many days I feel crazy. Like maybe somehow my brain is convincing me of this pain just for shits and giggles.

I am grateful to my doctor, my family, and even friends/co-workers who still believe something is wrong. But it doesn’t help stop the doubt.

Having the diagnoses of Endometriosis, at this moment, is hard. One the one hand, it is a diagnoses, but on the other hand, there is no hard, 100% confirm-able way to know. At least not without cutting me open. Even then, unless the disease is really bad it sometimes can be missed.

Let’s put it this way, all endometriosis has adhesions, not all adhesions are endometriosis. All Endo cysts look like all other cysts (including “chocolate cysts” when viewing on ultrasound or x-ray (MRI can tell SOME cysts apart).

Because of the years of slowly progressing pain (not including the YEARS of period pain) has , I find myself NEEDING that 100% confirmation. Something tangible, something I can hold on to and scream “I am NOT crazy” from the rooftops.

Right now, my pain scale is 1 – 8 (1 being barely there (AND SUPER RARE FOR ME) , and 8 being “kill me” – I mean it literally. I would rather die than have it). My intensity is a bit harder. I have some “similar to” but can’t think of descriptors (having hard to functioning let alone thinking). The intensity is 4 levels, A – D. I am not sure I have them right as of this moment, I will more than likely tweak this a billion times. For now, this is what I have: A – Banging a hangnail, B – Dislocated joint, C – Strained/pulled muscle on spine, D – Unknown/haven’t felt it yet.

Thing is? Banged hangnail/eczema cut hurts like hell for a nanosecond when banged, but isn’t even a pain to me. But I can’t think of something else that others might be able to relate to. I am also thinking of making C D instead. The only reason for that switch, I once lifted a 18 L bottle of water onto the water cooler at home, at the same time I moved wrong and coughed…. holy fuck the pain. if not worse than my son’s birth, it is one HELL of a close second. I couldn’t breath for close to 30 seconds, I lost vision, I couldn’t move, but I had to move, I felt like throwing up, I wasn’t crying but tears were streaming down my face. I couldn’t make a noise, but I wanted to scream. It was HORRIFIC. BUT … I never wanted to die. I knew, somewhere in my head, that the pain would pass. I managed to lay on the floor for 2 hours (hubby was working, kid at school, phone upstairs), and sure enough, the pain passed enough I could take almost full breathes, and could move.

My son’s birth though, it is a unique thing, no two child births are the same, and not everyone has that, or could. Plus? for that? I don’t recall the type of pain, just general back? I just remember the feeling of needing to die. Wanting to die. I can remember a calmness even though I was crying and screaming – I had made up my mind I was just … going to give up.

Sadly, not in pain intensity, but in that feeling, I feel the decidedness*, the clarity, the calmness of just “giving up” more now, than I do the panic, the franticness*, the fear I feel from the back thing.

Depression in spades, I have it. Oh, but baby, I am DAMNED good at hiding it. Also? Pretty fucking pro league at getting myself to a “ho-hum” level instead of being stuck in the pit. If depression is a pit, then the bottom is the worst, the top is happiness and contentment, I usually sit 3/4 of the way up, but dip into the last 7/8 ths or so every week, even daily on occasion. Couldn’t tell you how I get out of it. Really couldn’t. Pure will power I guess? The fact I have so many times?

Not often have I gotten to the top though. That is usually out of reach. I guess “fake it until you are” applies? MAYBE because I worry about my family more than myself? Or maybe what I THINK is the bottom isn’t? (last one is most likely. Just feels that way at the time)

 

Whatever. Tonight, I am at 5 B. And I have to be awake (coffee date tomorrow) in 5 hours.

Night.

 

*  Yep, made up words. At least according to spell check they are.

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It all makes sense now

I have three posts in draft that I just can not seem to finish. So what do I do? Start a new one. But this one I will post even if I lose my tra … SQUIRREL!!!

ha. ha.

So, endometriosis. That’s the current thought of what is wrong with me. Doc basically said “Yep, that’s what we are going to go with, because they found it in the ovary”. So, that is what I am sticking with.

Thing is? The more I search, the more I read, the more I think (when/if I can think), the more I see EVERY. SINGLE. BOX being ticked. For ALL my symptoms.

Exhaustion? CHECK
Pain? CHECK
Never problems? CHECK
Red dots on skin? CHECK
Eczema? CHECK

I could list every last symptom, but I won’t. It would take way to long. But I am not joking around or exaggerating. EVERY symptom can be linked to endometriosis. Granted, some of the symptoms would mean rare versions of endo. But, yeah.

It’s like a light bulb. Just “HOLY FUCK! It ALL makes sense now.” I mean when I still had my uterus and stuff? I could even check all THOSE boxes!!

***Sorry for all the emphasis, bolds, yelling, etc. Just. I feel more strongly about this than I did the adhesions. And we all know how positive I was on that one. (very for those who just stumbled on this blog) ***

I don’t see doc until the 20th, but I am going to ask him to beg an endo specialist to see me. I NEED that referral. I want all the tests, all the treatments. I want the newest, most experimental shit in my body. I NEED to make this go away (or at least into remission?)

Right now, it’s the exhaustion that is bothering me the most. It’s really dragging me down.

Okay, now I go to sleep. Maybe 9 hours of sleep will help?

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Health update:

Doctor appointment today.

Here’s the update:
Doc is pretty sure I have multiple problems (well duh!) BUT, doc is as convinced as I am that the main pain problem is in fact endometriosis because on my history of having it, and (THIS is why I keep a health journal) because of symptom cycles.

So, to confirm (since nothing has shown legions) this, I need to have blood tests first or second day of my next “bad flare”.

If confirmed, Then I have several options (with one clear choice). Of course, none are a guarantee, but should be the answer?

So, my options:
1.) Chemical menopause (which I could have chosen today had I wanted to)
– NO! My moods are already all over the map, and because I am showing signs of anger (more than “average”) That is not actually a real option at this time. (I mean, unless I want to kill folks or something stupid???)

2.) Just treat the symptoms
– So I continue as I am. Try to find a pain-killer OTHER than Percocet (which I am doing ANYWAY in the interim). And just learn to deal with it, and hope we find treatments that work.

3.) Find the problem hormones and treat those.
– This is the one that gets my vote. Yes, in the end it MIGHT mean resorting to number 1, but it is a gentler, more controlled method. We try to keep all hormones level, and keep any spikes to a minimum.

(This one is a non-options)
4.) Do nothing, barely manage pain, and wait for lesions or cysts to show up, then have surgery. (which COULD happen anyway, depending on the success of treatments.)

Once this particular part of my problem is dealt with, then it SHOULD be the band-aid to several problems. The pain, the cramps (but maybe not the spasms – yeah, there actually is a difference. Spasms are more random, and less often. Usually less painful), and the blood and lining from shedding. Also, my moods? maybe.

What it might NOT “cure”, would be my shoulder/upper back nerve problem, my upper left back/kidney issue – which we think we have that one “fixed” with what I am doing now (the softeners, Ensures at break time, Busapan, and no acid reducer).

So, IF my journal/records are right, in about 5 – 8 days I SHOULD be able to go for my blood tests.

So, maybe, just maybe in 2 or 3 weeks, I will be on the road to “mostly healthy”. 😉

Very optimistic now.

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Opinions

“Few people are capable of expressing with equanimity opinions which differ from the prejudices of their social environment. Most people are incapable of forming such opinions.”

(Essay to Leo Baeck, 1953)”
― Albert Einstein

 

Everyone has opinions, those that don’t? Either don’t know the subject matter (as in, don’t even know it exists), or are lying and wish to protect their views. At least that has been my findings regarding opinions.

That said, I have opinions, strong ones, weak ones, changing ones. But I tend to keep them off-line, or debate them with those I know, even if they don’t share my views. Why? Many reasons, but not because I fear change*, but the biggest reason is because of my inability to articulate my thoughts and feelings. I try, my son is amazing at it (even if I disagree with his views at times), but I struggle just to keep my mind focused in every day situations, meaning debating and articulation of my views is next to impossible for me. I can think it clearly, but when I open my mouth to speak, the thoughts rush, jumble, and twist to make it out. It never is a straight line of thought.

That being said, I will try give a brief voice (well, my brief) to my views.

There is a lot, I mean a LOT of shit going down in this world right now, and frankly, with my health still nowhere near the 100% (or even 70%) mark, I try to keep informed, but without too much detail. That being said, In brief, Trump is bad, molestation, harassment, rape, etc is bad, many (maybe even most) men are bad. War, fear, anger, all bad (but some, inevitable – I get angry, even when I shouldn’t). MANY things are bad. Most of what is in the news is bad. I can’t won’t post on all of it, so I will pick the top three: Trump, Guns, and sexual harassment/rape/etc. I will keep most super short.

Trump: Not much I can say. I can’t tell if he really is mentally unstable, or doing these things to distract from what he is doing. Probably a bit of both. Either way? Scary fucking dude who really should not be in power.

Guns: Don’t like them. Ideally, they would not exist. But, they do. I have fired them. I like to fire them. It’s fun to see who can hit the target the best etc. But That’s as far as it goes. I think even countries with strict laws could do better, but I have no clue how. I listen to my son on this. He is a gun enthusiast. As for the USA? I honestly don’t see a way out for them. At least, not cheaply or easily. But I feel that it will involve “dethroning” the NRA in some way. They need way less influence. I have no clue how.

The sexual stuff: I have NO CLUE where to start with this. I know MANY people who think that “ALL MEN MUST DIE”, I know some that think they should be around BUT, “ALL MEN ARE EVIL” hell, I have even know women that “stand by all the men, no matter what” (that last one makes me shake my head). I swing around many of the views, never quite landing on one as my “spot”. If forced to say a solid view, I guess I’d have to state that I don’t think it is all men, but the good ones are too few and far between, and rarely there when you need them. AND, if all you look for is the bad, you will NEVER, EVER see the good.

Hell, I married a good guy, I am trying to raise a good guy. NOW, if you are talking perfect? Has NEVER fucked up, Has NEVER made a mistake? Nope, they do not exist. BUT, if you mean a good guy that when he makes a mistake, or fucks up, once he realizes, apologizes, and stops doing that stupid thing, and has never raped? Then, yeah. They are out there.

As for speaking out? I find that one difficult. There are too many grey areas. I am a “Me Too” story, many of them. But I am also some one who, in younger, drunker years, have groped, and coerced men. Hell, I’d use what I had to get free drinks etc. Do I do that now? NO! I know better (plus I am married). Thing is? Maybe not all women, but oh so many I have known, or do know, have done shitty things like that when younger, drunk, and oh so stupid. BUT, once they were shown they were wrong they changed. (for me it was more of an “ah ha” moment – where I had something done to me, that I had JUST done to a guy …).

I have always been given the benefit of the doubt, or told “that was the past”, yet men who change, they are accused of not being able to change. Why? What makes me different?

Now, that does not mean I think men who are serial abusers/whatever should be forgiven, or not shamed. I am saying if it is something that happened when much younger/years ago (I don’t mean rape – rape is NEVER forgivable), or only a few times, and it is obvious they have changed, why should they not be given the same consideration I am given?

I don’t know. Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe men are born evil, maybe they can’t change. Maybe it is built in to them and we should just lock them all up before they can do anything. (okay, a tad heavy-handed on that. But that is an ACTUAL conversation I over heard at work with some customers. shudder)

I have no answers, my mind is in constant flux on this one. I know that it has to change, I know women NEED to have the same (NOT more, but THE SAME) power/status/opportunities that men do. And YES men need to STOP thinking they are biologically incapable of not doing “the thing”.

I just have no answers on how we can get there. But, a good place to start? Men need to stop abusing/harassing/etc, and good men need to speak up and tell the bad ones to stop. THAT is a very good place to start.

 

 

 

 

 

*I do have fear of change. But not of opinion. Of surroundings, and placement changes yes. But not my mind. There I welcome change.

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