Creative spark [DOC UPDATED – TWICE]

I’ve decided to have this post, and attached document, as a place to put my random creative thoughts. I am hoping that but posting this it may spark my creative a bit more. force me outside my comfort zone, and allow my ideas a chance to untangle from the depths of my brain where things go to die.

I’ll just update the document from time to time with my stuff, maybe? I really do suck at follow through.

I’m not directly asking for any feedback, I am not doing it for that, but if you feel you want to give feedback, please do so gentle as this is a very fragile thing right now. I’d hate to lose any forward momentum just because of some criticism. Maybe one day I will be able to handle more than that?

Now, that’s not to say I can’t handle some! I’m not that bad. (I hope?) just nothing to picky or …. well nothing like “oh, that sucked! no plot or flow, and the spelling was worse than my dogs. And don’t even get me STARTED on the grammar!” or “Oh my god? You call THAT a drawing? I saw a better face in the patterns of rain on the sidewalk”

THAT would kill me!

Something like “Hey. Cool, nice start there. Some polish on that and it has a chance.” Or “Just curious if you meant there or their in the 4th sentence? I wasn’t sure of the direction depending on the word”, hell even if you said “Might have missed it, but noticed the nose was upside down on that last drawing, Is that intended?”

Those I (think?) I could handle. 😉

Yes, I am a baby! But the spark needs a breeze, not a downpour.

 

Besides, I am hoping that nurturing my creativity will be the tools I need to fight any depression, or hum drums, or whatever. *shrugs*

Hell, maybe if I ever get any money I’ll even take singing lessons, see if I can’t get my singing voice back? (Maybe not …)

Creative Snippets – 73116

[UPDATE]

Decided I would just upload my updated documents as a whole new link. Sort of a “progress” view for myself, and on the odd chance anyone wanted to see any differences?

Creative Snippets – 81416

[UPDATE – 2]

Creative Snippets – 82316

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Yet another TMI post

I am sure you’re sick of the TMI posts, I know I am. And maybe, just maybe, after Thursday I can stop them?

But for now, posting here is my way of occupying my mind while I wait for the pain to pass.

This is not the same, or as bad as what sent me to the hospital a few nights ago. But in many ways it is worse. But, because it is not in my back, or affecting my breathing, it is so much better.

The hospital visit was like a bee sting near the eye, and this is like a broken toe. Yes, the broken toe is worse, but so much easier to handle, and so different that it isn’t as bad.

I am sure that doesn’t make much sense, but for me it does. I have such different pains, and while some might actually be worse, the location and type of pain can make it better.

What sent me to the hospital was an inability to move or breathe properly. The pain was in the spine (or so it felt). The pain now is in my bladder, or at least that area. The spine felt like it was snapped and/or twisted, this feels like I have a sharp object rammed inside me, sitting or standing hurts, but heat helps it. Pain killer is helping. Though I may need a second one.

The pain now, I can ease depending on how I sit or stand. If I rock or sway. It all helps. With the other night, nothing helped it all made it worse.

Intensity level of now is worse, but location and ability to control it is better.

All of this because I had fiber. Yep. The Emerg doc told me to up fiber and take this super mild non laxative, laxative. I told him it would make things worse, but he started to write something in my file, so told him that I would do all that and hope for the best, so he erased what he wrote (I assume it was something about me not following orders?)

Anyway, the super mild laxative hasn’t really done a whole lot for the “constipation”. I have been going every day (like I was before pain), and yeah, a bit more. But not really anything to say I am cleared up.

So, I had some shredded wheat. LOVE the stuff. But rarely have it. I get cramps and such, but it does make me go. A lot. But, I was desperate, and so had some. Figured it would be my usual cramping.

But no.

This was like my cuff ripped open(where my vagina was seen after my hysterectomy), or my bladder collapsed. I felt blinding pain. All because I tried to poop. Well, I did poop. Some. No constipated stuff, my usual soft stuff.

Not worth it.

Now, at 6:40 am, I think the pain killer is mostly kicked in (might need a second one), and I might FINALLY get some sleep.

Thanks for letting me gross you out. I don’t do this for sympathy. May a bit. Hehe No, mostly this is to help me keep track (because I can’t seem to use my health diary I made), and because it gets it out of my head, and allows me to move past it.

Sort of how swearing helps a stubbed toe, or crying helps an angry child (or even adults).

Just my outlet. I do talk to my family, but I worry they are sick of me. And this? This I know people can avoid. So if you read it, it isn’t a captive situation like it is with family!

What scares me? I now feel almost like I have to go again!! NOOOOOOoOooooooOOOo

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TMI!!! Honest. Turn back now.

****The following post contains disgusting things that may gross many people out****

Continue reading

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Guilt

Guilt does odd things to the brain. It weighs you down, like a noose of lead while trying to swim.

The following is my internal dialogue most days –  It’s not pretty. Very self-absorbed. Depression is a bitch

I sit here, having not slept since 11 am yesterday, thinking, and wondering. Is my pain REALLY so bad that I can’t work? Couldn’t I struggle through it? Just deal with it?

Others have it so much worse than me, they manage to work, to do things. Get out mingle. Why can’t I? Yes, I have pain, sure sometimes it feels like I am being stabbed over and over. But it isn’t always that bad. Most of the time it is just tightness, spasms, cramping. I could work with that. Couldn’t I?

When I am sitting quietly, just at the computer, or watching TV, even sleeping, the pain isn’t bad. It’s barely more than a stomach flu that’s been over for 2 days. That bit of cramping, unsure if you should eat, but yet starving.

My doctor has told me I can’t work. My body, when I stand, or walk, even sit wrong, has told me I shouldn’t work. So why do I have this guilt? Why do I feel like I am faking it? Worry others will think I am faking? No one has said that, no one has even hinted at that. But when I have good moments, when the pain is manageable, my brain whispers, screams at me “You should be working. Others in worse shape work. Why aren’t you working? What about your family? What about money? Food? Caring for your family? You are lazy. You should be working. You can work. You can work. YOU. CAN. WORK.”

So I try. I get up, I putter around the house, I make supper, I go for small grocery buys.

and the pain comes. I try to ignore it. The voice SCREAMS at me that it is all in my head. It taunts me, telling me that I believe the pain is bad, so I feel it that bad. It laughs at me, calls me a wimp. Tells me I am lying, even to myself.

My body fights back, the pain will cripple me. I can’t stand up straight of it feels like I am being ripped in half.

Lies. How can you lie.

It’s not. I know it’s not. I FEEL the pain.

I don’t take my pain killers. It means I am giving in. Others have it worse.

IT’S NOT! IT IS NOT A LIE! I FEEL IT.

I should be working. I should be taking care of my family. Providing for them. No work, no money.

I try, I try to be positive. The doctor is trying, I have referrals and tests until I feel like a specimen in a bottle. They find nothing. What if they never find anything?

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

Nothing. You should be working. It’s all in your head. You lie!

NO! YOU LIE!

Depression lies. Depression lies. Depression lies …

I don’t have depression. No one has ever told me that I do. It’s all a lie.

No, I have family who love me. I have friend(s) who love me. They’ve told me so?

But …

My family gets hurt, they get sick. I see them suffer. HOW can I take away from that? How can I feel jealous they need comfort? I am selfish. I could work.

I could work. I could work. I should workIshouldworkishouldwork

FUCK YOU! DEPRESSION LIES!!!

I cry. I can’t shut out the voice. I can’t turn off the guilt.

Then I look at my book. Sometimes the guilt gets worse. But I remember. It is love. I am cared about.

WHY won’t the voice shut up? SHUT UP!

What if they don’t find anything?

 

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Progress?

WARNING
I use very graphic imagery and descriptions to explain my pain. It could be offensive, or even a trigger. Please proceed with caution!


I had a doctor’s appointment today. another one that I left feeling like things are moving forward. Sometimes I feel like nothing is happening, or, at least not fast enough. But this one felt better.

One sec, let me back up a bit here, because this appointment wasn’t even originally about do anything other than paperwork.

A week ago, I had a call from the lady who did our consolidation1 loan. Not even sure I remember what it was about? I think … OH. Yes, just to let me know this months loan might be taken out late because of system upgrades. I asked her if I had gotten the insurance for if I was off work sick or injured. She looked it up, said I did, and sent me the paperwork. One of the pages was for me, one for employer, and one for the doctor. So I made an appointment with doc for that.

Now, ever since this health problem has started, it keeps changing. I have good days and bad. It’s REALLY taken a toll on my mental health as well as physical, so any time I think I might have a clue what it is, I take the information to doc. Last few times, he and I both agreed that it is beginning to really point to adhesions. And, since this past week or two has been more pulling, cramping, and sharp “ripping” pains, it really set in my mind that it is adhesions. plus just how different things are from before the hysterectomy, after the hysterectomy. And going back even further (keeping in mind that adhesions can take many years – if at all – to show any symptoms), to my c-section, I am convinced it is adhesions.

Graphic section

Two nights ago, I was having my usual cramps, and spasms, which obviously meant I’d have to be in the bathroom for a minimum of an hour. And soon. By the time that moment came around, I was in some serious pain. Thing is? that pain was NOTHING compared to what was ahead for me. Honestly, it felt worse than child-birth (mine was complicated and bad, and it was worse than that), felt worse than my first BM after my hysterectomy, it felt …. like someone took a knife stuck it inside my vagina, cut through to my bladder, and started to slash it around cutting up my bowels. BAD. VERY. VERY. BAD. I was taking a deep breath, ready to call my husband to come help me and take me to the hospital, when the pain just. POOF. Snapped, and faded off.

End graphic section

Now comes the gross part. (I know, the descriptive part above was brutal. But, this is just gross.)

I always look at what is in the toilet when I am done. I need to keep track of what’s coming out of me. I do this so I can let doc know if anything changes, or check for blood etc. What I saw gave no explanation for the pain. Not that type of pain at any rate. It appeared as if I was constipated, the texture at any rate. The amount was negligible compared to my usual amounts. But, when I flushed? it dissolved like nothing. was very soft. What? NO CLUE what the hell.

Anyway, the remaining pain made it difficult to sleep, or think, but I had already had half a Percocet a few nights before, so stuck with Tylenol, Advil, and my heat bag (which is not fun in the heat we’ve been having!)

It was then I decided to talk to doc about surgery for adhesions. Beg if I had to. At that point I was determined to grab him by the throat and strangle him into a yes if that’s what it’d take.

Look, my doc is doing his best. Tests, referrals, imaging. But at this point? I need it over. So when I saw him today, a lack of sleep, no break from the pain, I was very close to tears. Thankfully he didn’t mention it. (he KNOWS I hate – HATE – crying) If he had I would have just said allergies. But his tone always softens and his voice lowers when that happens. sigh

BUT, the whole point of this rambling jumping post – Doc is referring me to a LOCAL gynecological surgeon (he was the one who was supposed to do my hysterectomy, but was on vacation at the time)who will be able to give a second opinion. Doc debated about just putting me in for the surgery, BUT, the medical system HATES paying for surgeries if not needed, or no evidence to back the need. SO this doc will give me the second opinion, as well as be able to expedite the surgery time (has loads of pull in this town)!!

Now, as doc said, he may not like the idea of adhesions, but knows about them, and has agreed in past, and since he’s the one who can get things moving, it’s the best route to go. PLUS it will only take just a few weeks (4 max my doc said) to get into him, and he will more than likely be able to get the surgery going just a few weeks after that. YES, with recovery time that does push me past the end of august, which is when the money runs out. But, once I have a surgery date, I can call all the companies we deal with, and hopefully set up either lower payments for a short time, or suspend things or something?

All I know, is this feels like a really good few steps forward, with no back steps?

Now, if this pain would go away?

 

 

 


  1. I also needed new computer – didn’t want to do park paperwork by hand, but not able to write it off, because also personal use. 
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Shitty poetry

Shitty poetry

I whine
I complain
It helps no one
But me.

It’s unknown
What I have
I suspect
I am sure
But they are unwilling
Yet.

I need it to end
I need resolution
I need to poop
I hate poop
Poop jokes
I suffer.

I whine
I complain
It helps no one
Not even me.

The end will come
But whose end
Mine
Or the pains

Doctor tries
But fails
To see the issue
I can’t rhyme
He can’t find
Issues

I whine
I complain
It helps no one
Not even the wheel.

Too much
Not enough
More poop jokes
Make it stop
Make it go
Stop
The
Pain

No more whine (but there is more)
End the complaint (there is never an end)
It helps no one (feelings don’t count)
Not even me (so they say). 

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