Creative spark [DOC UPDATED – TWICE]

I’ve decided to have this post, and attached document, as a place to put my random creative thoughts. I am hoping that but posting this it may spark my creative a bit more. force me outside my comfort zone, and allow my ideas a chance to untangle from the depths of my brain where things go to die.

I’ll just update the document from time to time with my stuff, maybe? I really do suck at follow through.

I’m not directly asking for any feedback, I am not doing it for that, but if you feel you want to give feedback, please do so gentle as this is a very fragile thing right now. I’d hate to lose any forward momentum just because of some criticism. Maybe one day I will be able to handle more than that?

Now, that’s not to say I can’t handle some! I’m not that bad. (I hope?) just nothing to picky or …. well nothing like “oh, that sucked! no plot or flow, and the spelling was worse than my dogs. And don’t even get me STARTED on the grammar!” or “Oh my god? You call THAT a drawing? I saw a better face in the patterns of rain on the sidewalk”

THAT would kill me!

Something like “Hey. Cool, nice start there. Some polish on that and it has a chance.” Or “Just curious if you meant there or their in the 4th sentence? I wasn’t sure of the direction depending on the word”, hell even if you said “Might have missed it, but noticed the nose was upside down on that last drawing, Is that intended?”

Those I (think?) I could handle. 😉

Yes, I am a baby! But the spark needs a breeze, not a downpour.


Besides, I am hoping that nurturing my creativity will be the tools I need to fight any depression, or hum drums, or whatever. *shrugs*

Hell, maybe if I ever get any money I’ll even take singing lessons, see if I can’t get my singing voice back? (Maybe not …)

Creative Snippets – 73116


Decided I would just upload my updated documents as a whole new link. Sort of a “progress” view for myself, and on the odd chance anyone wanted to see any differences?

Creative Snippets – 81416

[UPDATE – 2]

Creative Snippets – 82316

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A WTF bowel update – TMI!!

Turn away now. Honestly, if you don’t want to hear about colour, smell, or consistency of poop, you have stumbled on to the WRONG blog, especially THIS particular post.









Filler space for Facebook, since it tends to post large-sized previews, ignoring spaces, and enters.

Everyone who doesn’t want to read this gone? okay, for you poor brave souls that stuck around? I’m not sorry for this post, just sorry you chose to read it!

Okay, so I have been having bowel, inside issues ever since I returned to work. And frankly, I have no idea what to make of it all. The 4 (approximately) weeks I had off after the surgery to remove the adhesions (and left ovary because of the adhesions), was amazing. I was completely pain-free (minus the surgical pain), and had begun to have regular people (what is class as typically healthy) bowel movements. They were text-book perfect. solid, but soft enough to pass easily, no pain, normal amount of mucous that is rarely seen, no blood, no lining, perfectly formed, little to no “weird” odour, and happening every day, or every second day. Normal. Sure, I admit, I still had MY “regular” BMs (minus the pain) maybe once a week? if that? But I still had swollen insides from the surgery, it was to be expected. I just needed to learn my signal on when to go.

Then I started work.

That’s when trouble slowly ramped up. The first 2 weeks wasn’t bad. But, while I was working 5 days a week, I was only working 4 hour shifts. Sure, my feet and back hurt, but the surgical site was no more painful or inflamed than when at home recovering. But the fecal matter changed. It started slowly, with becoming more and more only every few days, and a bit looser. Until just a week or two ago, when it was every time was like before surgery. Including one that had the “need to push” much like labour. Still no horrific “kill me now” pain. Just gross. For the last 3 weeks, the pain started to come back in my stomach, left side, and under left lower ribs. It was spasming, cramping, and felt twisted. about a fourth of what it was, but still, NOT fun when at work, and when Advil, Tylenol, and Aleve won’t touch the pain, even when the Advil and Tylenol combined. It even began to feel like a baby moving inside when not working, but out shopping, or walking. And the last week, the swelling wouldn’t go away until HOURS after a BM.

Last weekend, I felt backed up, constipated even. Or so I thought. I had horrific mid left back pain, not so bad I couldn’t walk, but bad enough I was worried about a hospital visit (at it’s worse. It ramped up over the course of the week). So, I began the fiber about day 3, and the laxative about day 4? maybe 5th day. (it was the 1st day off work) I had been having BMs the whole time, with just a 3 day no-go at beginning of work week, but went every day after. Not a lot, but enough I shouldn’t have been THAT backed up to have that kind of pain. But, the day I decided to start the laxative, I had only gone a tiny bit, and the pain ramped up to its maximum level (for that point). The laxative didn’t change much, but did seem to take the pain away?

Then today happened. For about 3 days that “baby movement” spasms had been happening full-time. No major pain, just annoying. Went last night, a lot, but felt the need from the moment I woke today. So when I finally went, I was expecting some pain, and possible mucous. But that didn’t really happen. What did happen was an odd odor, fair amount of mucous, but not a huge amount, and some weird “thing”. It was approximately 2 inches long, about half an inch wide. It was pale brownish-yellow, and oval in shape. The ends were rounded. It was perfectly shaped, like some sort of manufactured horse pill. It wasn’t floating, but was buoyant, and had some of the fecal matter stuck to it. Sort of freaked me out. Was it a plug of some sort? Was it something caused by, or part of, one of the surgeries I had? My bowels felt very tight after, still do. But little cramping, and seem calmer.

Could THAT … THING, have been the problem this WHOLE time? Or is it a sign of something more? Or is it just a by-product of something? Can I make diamonds in my colon? WHAT THE FUCK??

Yes, I am disgusting (well, even more than just posting about it), I took a picture. JUST to show my doctor.

Oh, and when I flushed, I didn’t see another, but there MIGHT have been some trace blood in the fecal matter? AND, maybe … hair? or it looked kind of like that?

MAN I hope doc can give me answers.

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Doctor’s appointment

This is really just more for me, but feel free to read on, see just how much of a basket case I am.

I need to keep track of just what I need to talk to doc about. Prioritize. So I may update this post as the appointment gets closer.

  1. Note about not working left-handed, backwards till. Due to nerve damage.

  2. WHY am I still getting pain? IS it because I went back to soon? Something new? Actual IBD? Can we see if loop in bowel still there? ARGH! HELP.

  3. Talk to him about fears of this pain. Fears about work hours and what it’s doing to me, how it adds to pain. And how 3 days seems to be the threshold of when the pain becomes bad. Of how the bowel movements aren’t regular because of all this, and the stress.

  4. Pain killer? How Percocet seems to be the only thing that takes the pain away. I only need half a pill once a day 2 – 3 days, while working. Rarely at home, as heat bag, or just doing nothing eases the pain.

  5. Solutions? Ideas? The stupid diet seems to make it worse? Even though it is just eliminating things?

I just want it to stop. It really IS so much better. But it isn’t gone.

Now, I sleep.

Sometimes I just need to empty my brain first.

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I have a theory

I won’t say I have figured out all my problems, as I am not a doctor, I don’t have see-through skin, and I only have a smattering of knowledge on how internal organs work. But I still have a theory.

I have always had bowel issues, as a child, and young adult, it was constipation, including hard stool. Once I had my son, things changed. I would still get “backed up” and go days without a BM, but my stool would rarely become hard. As I aged, I slowly became regular. And over time details of any problems I’d had, started to fade from memory. But, as our body’s seem to do, the problems began to come back a few years ago.

My theory, is that being pregnant, and having a sway back, my bowels, and other organs, including my stomach, all became squished a bit more than average. This lead to a change in how my bowels reacted to the problems of my youth. But, as I aged, had surgeries, my bowels (and organs in general) began to slow down and harden, as organs will do with age.

The problems changed even more once I had my hysterectomy, I am guessing, because they now had extra room, adhesions formed right away, I had (have?) polyps, and the bowels have been through a lot in my life. Add to all that a small loop (that seems to come and go?) in my bowels, things are more than likely going to slow down.

In theory, my bowels are slow, damaged, and have an inconsistent blockage. While I had the adhesions, the small loop in my bowels would slow an already slow bowel, even more. Semi-hard feces would become hung up in that hairpin loop, and slow things even more. Thankfully, my usually soft stuff would still manage to get through, and eventually so would the stop fecal matter. All this would reach the spot where the adhesions were stretching and pulling the bowel out of location, and cause extreme pain. Of course, over time, the bowel became very sensitive to any matter passing that spot, or any irritation, and would then cause a constant pain.

Once the adhesions were removed, even with the inflammation of surgery, the bowel was able to relax, and things appeared to return to normal, better than normal.

After awhile, with my early return to work, and an inconsistent loop, pain started to return. It was similar, but different. I suspect that the loop returned about 4 weeks after surgery? (2 weeks ago?) Which is when the pain in my left side (the side that gets the loop, and the side that had adhesions) returned.

I believe that due to the inflammation from the surgery, coupled with an early return to work, the TYPE of work I do (cashier in a BUSY grocery store), and the fact I have slow bowels1, started a chain reaction. At some point while all that was going on with the bowels, I ate something that obviously did not fully digest in my stomach, which created hard fecal matter. That hard stuff became hung up on the recurring loop, and began a back up. Yes, some of the softer stuff would manage to get past it, but the slow bowels, inflammation, and working would cause it to slow down. So in fact, I had a back up both before and after the block.

The slowness of the fecal matter through the bowel, allowed the appearance that I was in fact going enough to not have a block. Which meant I didn’t pay much attention to my diet (being diligent with water intake, fiber, and stuff like that), and I also assumed the aches and pains were from the surgery inflammation and working. In part, yes, but I had forgotten my ability to be constipated.

Today Yesterday, I am VERY lucky that I had the adhesions removed. It allowed the pain of constipation, to be much easier to deal with. I was able to walk, I could touch the area without screaming, and rocking helped to some degree, to lessen the pain. The last time this happened I ended up in the hospital, unable to walk without tears, and difficulty breathing. I would have bet money on a slipped disc or broken spine. THIS time however, it interrupted sleep, and sneezing, deeeeeeeeeeep breathes, and the like would cause shooting pains, but, I was able to find positions where it was JUST an ache, or even seemingly nothing.

In fact, after 3 hours of being awake, plus coffee, fiber, and mild laxative, even though I have not yet gone, I feel I could sleep relatively pain-free. If I can find the right position to lay in.

I’d say My theory is sound. And I am once again grateful to have had the adhesions removed!



  1. Also, mentally I have difficulties going to the bathroom during a work week. Several factor; I take well over an hour to go. I only have 4 hours, on average, once I am off work, until I have to be asleep. If I try to go in the morning before work, I would probably be late for work, which adds mental stress, which slows the bowels. 
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What a week

I debated about posting this to Facebook, rather than here, but decided against it. In part because it would take a little bit of extra work to make sure only those I want to see it could, and in part, it just doesn’t feel as comfortable to post there as it does here.

For anyone reading this that does not have access to my Facebook, The short story background to this post: Wednesday while at work, I had an emotional break down while on till with customers. It was  a mixed bag of reasons, including a backwards till that causes me physical pain, a missing doctor’s note stating I could not use that till, and the accumulation of stress from the past 6 months, all glue together with my worry that the pain I have will continue to mount until all the pain and problems of the past 6 months are back, but worse.

A co-worker/shift supervisor was VERY kind to me, and listened to me cry my eyes out for half an hour, and made arrangements for me.

Now, the update part.

Thursday started out rough emotionally, as I was almost scared to go to work. I didn’t want to face the pity or angry looks of co-workers, I didn’t want to see or hear the whispers about what happened, and I just HATE crying (from me) in general, and felt weak, and pathetic.

Luckily, the few who were at work that had been there Wednesday, were kind, and no looks or anything. A few “hope you are feeling betters” but no judgment, no anger. It did help that I was training one of the new cashiers. It meant I couldn’t go into autopilot. I had to use my brain (recall and say out loud produce codes, procedures, and routines), and also it meant 90% just bagging for the guy rather than run the till.

Because of that all the pain in my left side (the side that had the ovary and adhesions removed), and the aching muscles were able to relax. Yes, my feet, legs, and lower back were MUCH more sore than if at till, but the abdominal pain was negligible!

Part of the arrangement that was made Wednesday was that my two 15 minute breaks would be split in half, and every hour or so I would have a 7 minute break, my half hour would stay the same, and if I needed an extra break for the pain, I’d just have to ask, no questions would be asked, and no judgment. The problem is, I have to phone the front desk and remind them of said breaks (minus the lunch break).

Unfortunately, my pride has, and WILL continue to prevent me from doing that. I just can’t! NOT with how busy we are in that store. I can’t. To me, my pain, or discomfort is NOT so bad as to warrant special treatment. I know that sounds COMPLETELY ironic, (hypocritical???) considering I am willing to ask for special treatment in not being put on the backwards till. But working through my “surgery/bowel/whateverthefuckitis pain, is easy. I CAN! BUT, if I work more than 30 – 40 minutes (each section of our shift if 2 – 3 hours long) I would have to go home after due to the pain, numbness, and mental stress I feel. It truly feels as if I have a knife, in my spine between my shoulders, my shoulder socket feels as if it’s separated (I have had the small bone from shoulder to arm separated before, I know that pain), and I have no feeling in my hand. It just feels like a giant, over stuff sausage is at the end of my arm.

Not fun.

THAT is the difference.

So, I have a doctor’s appointment on the 19th. I will talk to him about the pain I am still having (hoping it’s gone by then. in which case I won’t mention it), ask about the possibility of still having a looped bowel, and ask for a note stating why (my nerve damage) I can not be on a left-handed till, ever, no end date. I also will make a copy of that letter for my own records, along with who I gave it too, the date, and time. I will not have another note “not on file”, when I know I gave them one.

ANYWAY, on to today (well, now is Saturday, so I mean Friday). Today was much easier mentally, though I did have a small jolt when the one person I suspect dislikes me (or possibly my “special treatment”??) came in off duty and said “Well, hello then”(or something like that?) in a very curt manner. I know that sounds almost petty on my part, or like I am just paranoid (and maybe I am?), but it is very hard to explain such things. It was just the look, tone, and manner in how it was said. Almost like she didn’t expect me to still be at the job? Surprise, anger, judgment, all rolled into one.

BUT, I remembered what the amazing co-worker/shift supervisor had said, both in person, and on Facebook. So I shrugged it off.

I did stay on the big tills for most of the day, and am still aching and swollen now (but heat bag helps!), but thankfully when I asked if it would be okay to be on the express till for the last 2 hour section, there was no problems. I have no CLUE why it makes things better, but it sure eases the stabbing, and pulling I feel on that left side. all our “paperwork” suggests that express tills are worse for the body, and time on them should be limited. But I sure hurt a HELL of a lot LESS when I have been on them. The only thing I can think of is my height? Everything is so close together, it is either a full step, or no reaching at all. I get into an almost rocking rhythm with each order. The only thing that really “hurts” by the end of the day is my calves, and occasional my thighs if there were heavy items.

Pretty sure all that is why I was lulled into a sense of perfect health my first 2 weeks back. I only worked four hours, and the express tills agree with me! Not even shoulder aches. Yeah, my right arm (from elbow to fingers) aches, but that is from spending all my working life in the service industry. Waitressing, cashiering, and of course my computer use. AND my pointer finger on my right hand from the cat bite still aches like a son of a bitch when over used, or if cold.


Well, yet again I have lost my train of thought, and think my bowels are going to explode? (not in a relief sort of way! hehe) So I’ll stop here. And say good night.

I will say, I am very grateful to have 3 days off now. Hoping to get my bowels regular/unblocked/untwisted or whatever, and just relax those muscles, and hope I can get the pain under control, if not gone!?

AND I’ll sleep lots. 😀 Well, soon. She says as it turns 1:46 am.

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Monsters under the bed

Mentally, right this moment, I am in a state that is somewhere between utter panic, and quiet resign. I don’t really know WHAT is going on with my body. For all I know this is purely mental. It just feels more than that.

Once again I’ve started in the middle. Let me start over.

I have now been at work for 4 weeks, and about to start my fourth. It’s been rough. Look, I knew, and take full responsibility for all my problems I have, or might have, by going back sooner than I should have. But I have my reasons. I was up against a deadline, actually, PAST my deadline, and on a down hill spiral on fire.

See, it took them 6 FUCKING LONG MONTHS to go inside me and figure out what was wrong. It took 3 months for the specialist to even reply, and when they did it was “nope, not going to see her” no reason WHY they wouldn’t see me, just that they wouldn’t take me. Thankfully, I had had my surgery by then, so it was a non-issue. But still.

6 months with out my pay cheque. I wasn’t working, couldn’t work. Most days, I went from the bed to the couch, and didn’t move except for bathroom visits and to go back to bed. By the end, before surgery, just standing to go to the bathroom would bloat my belly so badly I felt like I would explode from the pressure. Movement hurt, touch, hurt. EVERYTHING hurt.

Six months before I was able to get a note to go back to work. 6 and half months before I was at work. Yes, we had (have) our trailer park management cheque. But it barely pays enough for bills and food. Not enough for rent (yes, we still pay rent to the park we manage), and even then many of our bills were being paid less than half. STILL have outstanding bills. We were borrowing rent money for food and gas for the car.

I could not AFFORD to take the full 6 weeks to recover and be fully healed. Hell, I couldn’t afford the six months off.

After being away from human population for that long, and being only 3 weeks out from surgery, I KNEW I was going to get sick. I planned for it (though, I did forget to get a Prednisone prescription). I bought all the cold supplies before going to work. Made sure I used my gloves, never touched my face. I still got hit pretty hard. But I never took time off. Not until the 3rd week, the first week I went full-time – 8 hour days (8 1/2 if you count lunch break, 9 if you count I get there 1/2 hour early – I went home 2 hours early my 2nd day – 3rd week – with pain in the surgical area, and missed the 3rd day.

This past week, I kept getting that pain, enough so that from the 3rd day on I had to take half a Percocet at lunch break. Even that would wear off after 3 hours, Friday it wore off after just over an hour.

Yesterday, I ended up spending almost 3 hours on the toilet with diarrhea. Thankfully I did not have the pain like I use to, but I did have “stomach bug” like sharp pains while going. No blood, not a lot of mucous, but not fun.

And now, today, all day, I have had pain, slowly growing in intensity, to the point I wish I could take a full Percocet. But, I only have 2 halves left, and NEED to save those for work. I HAVE to work.

I don’t know if this is my old problem coming back. Maybe it is. It could be because I have pushed myself to hard, too fast. Somehow I doubt it. While it is VERY similar, and familiar, and much of it in the area they removed the ovary, it isn’t quite the same. Even the pain in the stomach area. It’s there? But. It’s not. It’s different. And my GERD is coming back.

I suspect I do actually have IBS. I suspect that my main trigger is certain bread products (haven’t figured out which ones yet. Just know it must be a preservative, as it is NOT all store-bought ones, just the odd one here and there. And never my homemade breads), stress (I am certainly stressing. About my pain, work, being sick, fucking freaked the hell out about this coming back …), and allergies. PLUS, I am SURE the coughing I had from my asthma flaring up due to that fucking cold bruised muscles.

I am sure if I could have taken more time, or been able to have a week off while sick, or had my Prednisone on hand to kick the cough before it got bad, or, or, or ….

But I didn’t, couldn’t, wouldn’t.

I have to go with what I have. What is done, is done, and I have to figure shit (hahaha) out going forward, using the information and tools I have on hand.

So. Step one in my plan, getting enough sleep. THAT is THE hardest one for me to accomplish. When stressed, or worried, or depressed, I avoid my bed. I avoid it like it is some serial killer trying to make me it’s prized last kill. NO THANK YOU! I need to stop worrying that I MIGHT have to poop (that’s one excuse I use to avoid bed), I need to stop worrying it will take too long to fall asleep so I need to be more tired (That doesn’t even make sense). Name an excuse, I have probably used it.

Next, I NEED to drink more water. I SADLY lack in that department. I try, I think about trying, but I fail. I just don’t drink. My water-glass sits full beside me, ice melted, table wet, until I realize my mouth is dry and I am actually beyond thirsty. I need an app or something that will beep (slap my face would be better?) every 5 minutes to remind me to take a drink of water.

My next step should be to stop focusing on the pain. THIS will be the hardest. Whining is all I know for dealing with it, makes me feel better for some stupid reason. I WILL stop. “I’m great, thanks. You?” YES, I have pain. It could be anything causing it, but worrying, and freaking out won’t stop it. Honestly? I think I need to learn to live with it, and around it. I need to figure out what foods to avoid, be vigilant about avoiding the ones I know are a problem, and no straying. Not EVEN for special occasions. And I need to let. It. Go. (wanna build a snowman? …. sorry, had to!!) I MUST let the fear go. I can NOT hang on to it like I am. It will kill me, emotionally and mentally at least, if I keep holding on so tight.

I’m not saying I don’t have a reason, and right to be scared. Oh, I KNOW I have those. I am just saying that I need to find a way to acknowledge it, then just, let go.

This is going to be the hardest thing I have ever done. It is a bigger fear than all my other fears (including spiders), combined! To be truthful? I can only think of my fear of spiders right now. Not really “afraid” of much? Sill, this, this pain coming back? PARALYZING!

And last, or at least last one I can think of, for now. I need to stop worrying about other people, including (especially) family, and friends. Now, I don’t mean in a “fuck all y’all!!!” kind of way, or even in a “nope, go away, you don’t matter any more” way. I just mean, I need to stop worrying if people who I barely know like me, or if a friend is mad, sad, glad, or likes my hair. I NEED to stop putting everyone else’s mental, and physical health, above my own.

The biggest one? I need to stop worrying that if I say “I feel in pain, do you mind if I lay down ALONE for a bit” that my husband will be upset or mad. Or if I say “We can NOT spend any more money until X day” that my husband will become depressed (his BIGGEST trigger for depression)

I can’t. I can NOT walk on egg shells any more. I will NOT be insensitive! I just mean I won’t run from a problem, or stress MYSELF out figuring out how far one dollar can cover 100, or how to accommodate my health and hubby’s when my needs don’t match his.

No, I NEED to start caring for myself first (or at all even) for a change. BUT, I NEED to do it with OUT the guilt.

THAT is my biggest stressor, and trigger for depression. And holy FUCK did I feel it these last 6 months. Still do actually. I have just gotten a FUCK ton better at hiding it (well, not so much on-line. Here I vent. Not as many “people I know” where I vent. Or if they are, they are people I trust not to say anything about it, or to just ignore me out right (the ranting at any rate, not me as a person). Now, if I could JUST get the paranoia under control. After all, it is what I want.

I honestly have no idea where to begin with all of this. It’s partly why I have been off-line (minus a few games I play) today. Did go on twitter a couple of hours ago though.

I don’t know. I am thinking I might even give up the games for a while. So what if an animal dies, or my land gets overgrown, or something like that. Maybe a week off-line would do me some good? What would I miss? Trump being a dick? Whats new? Trolls being dicks? Again, I ask, what’s new?

Only really one person that I care about on-line, and I’m sure she’d understand if I didn’t like or comment on her stuff for a week. (though, I WOULD miss the dog pics. SQUEEE)

I’ll think about that one.

Umm should probably start with the sleep one? It’s almost 4 am, my eye sight is so blurry it’s almost as bad as if I wasn’t wearing my glasses!! (well, could NEVER get that bad ….?) Holy fuck. This really is a hard one. I just do NOT want to go to bed, even though I am exhausted, and WANT to sleep …

I am one fucked up weirdo. 😦

No wonder I have so few friends. sigh (hell, I still wonder how I got married! No. Seriously. I still wonder after 22 years of marriage. My poor kid to have such parents … 😥 )


Fine. I am going to bed. AND having water.

Someone remind me to drink water tomorrow ….AND SLEEP

Posted in Anxiety, Depression, Family, Health, Life, TMI | Leave a comment