Creative spark [DOC UPDATED – TWICE]

I’ve decided to have this post, and attached document, as a place to put my random creative thoughts. I am hoping that but posting this it may spark my creative a bit more. force me outside my comfort zone, and allow my ideas a chance to untangle from the depths of my brain where things go to die.

I’ll just update the document from time to time with my stuff, maybe? I really do suck at follow through.

I’m not directly asking for any feedback, I am not doing it for that, but if you feel you want to give feedback, please do so gentle as this is a very fragile thing right now. I’d hate to lose any forward momentum just because of some criticism. Maybe one day I will be able to handle more than that?

Now, that’s not to say I can’t handle some! I’m not that bad. (I hope?) just nothing to picky or …. well nothing like “oh, that sucked! no plot or flow, and the spelling was worse than my dogs. And don’t even get me STARTED on the grammar!” or “Oh my god? You call THAT a drawing? I saw a better face in the patterns of rain on the sidewalk”

THAT would kill me!

Something like “Hey. Cool, nice start there. Some polish on that and it has a chance.” Or “Just curious if you meant there or their in the 4th sentence? I wasn’t sure of the direction depending on the word”, hell even if you said “Might have missed it, but noticed the nose was upside down on that last drawing, Is that intended?”

Those I (think?) I could handle. ūüėČ

Yes, I am a baby! But the spark needs a breeze, not a downpour.


Besides, I am hoping that nurturing my creativity will be the tools I need to fight any depression, or hum drums, or whatever. *shrugs*

Hell, maybe if I ever get any money I’ll even take singing lessons, see if I can’t get my singing voice back? (Maybe not …)

Creative Snippets – 73116


Decided I would just upload my updated documents as a whole new link. Sort of a “progress” view for myself, and on the odd chance anyone wanted to see any differences?

Creative Snippets – 81416

[UPDATE – 2]

Creative Snippets – 82316

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These days I find it very difficult to find sleep. And when I do, it is never long enough. I usually get between 3 and 4 hours at a time, many days I go with out a nap. My usually bed time is around 4 am, falling asleep around 5 am. I then wake around 9. Every 3 or 4 days I will get about 6 hours.

Many days I feel like I am slowly going crazy. I try not to complain to the hubby, because he isn’t that much better. Sure, he is in bed for about 5 hours at a time, 4 or 5 times a day, but he is woken several times in that 5 hour stretch because he stops breathing.

Once in a while, I get a jealous tickle in the back of my head. “Why can HE be in bed so much? must be nice!” BUT, as soon as the thought enters my head, I remember that he only gets maybe an hour deep sleep if that before he is startled awake because he stops breathing. And I am no longer jealous.

Then there are days like today. When he’s had a 4 hour stretch and I haven’t even slept yet. A day, where when I JUST FINALLY find a comfy spot, he comes back to bed. He falls asleep the SECOND he closes his eyes, and his snoring rattles windows. No, days like this, I do not get jealous. I get angry. Not AT him. No, I get mad at the fact he had a CPAP and was getting a SOLID 5 hours of sleep in the few weeks before we had to give it back. I get mad because he was able to sleep, and I got use to the quiet. The no snoring, no breathing on me, no open mouth breathing in my face. Just quiet, normal breathing with the occasional cute sigh.

I get mad, because he had the CPAP I have forgotten how to sleep with the noise, even using ear plugs. I have forgotten how to sleep with the breathing, and the grunting, and the sudden body shakes.

And I get mad, because I am mad.


I also get mad at myself, Mad that it took me too long to ask my extended health if the CPAP was covered. Too long to send in the forms. I might not be covered now, and he could have had it.

I can’t sleep without a window open and a breeze across my face (I feel like I am suffocating without it), so sleeping on the couch is out of the question.

When he goes back to bed like this, he is usually in there 5 or 6 hours. Which means I will have to wait that long to get any sleep. I didn’t nap yesterday. But then again, I didn’t get to sleep until 8 or 9 am … and slept until 2 (with a sleeping pill). so it won’t be quite 24 hours of being awake, but close enough that thinking about it brings me to tears.

I am hoping that I can get tired enough that I can sleep through the snoring, jumping, kicking, and breathing. Right now I am past tired, where even my own breathing was starting to piss me right the fuck off. I need to push past that, and get back to almost awake, before I can try again.

I love my husband, but I want to smother him. With a pillow. And maybe a frying pan. And … I do love him. Honest.

I just need sleep.

I am at that point where every. Tiny. Little. sound, movement, EVERYTHING, makes me twitch, almost jump. I’m shaky, but wide awake, yet beyond exhausted, near death I am so tired.


Lots of coffee for me …

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LDN: Personal account [UPDATED] 5/20/2017]


****ATTENTION: this post is going to be a VERY long post, and will continue to grow in length as I update****


Today (May 13/14th, 2017) is the first day I took LDN (Low-Dose Naltrexone. Well, this morning at 3 am, before bed I took it. It is one of those “off-label” drugs. It was original used in much higher doses to help people with addictions. It has very few KNOWN side effects, but they have had patient reports and a few studies (based on patient reports, and a few SMALL case-studies) that show low doses can “cure everything!!11ELEVENTY111!!!!! INCLUDING CANCER” That is, IF you believe the “paid for by the companies” sites. I did manage to find a single site – for a different drug – that I am pretty sure is reliable, that I go to for information on any new drug I am taking*. It takes all of the research, complies it, and gives you the summary.

It’s a nice site, in that it doesn’t dumb it down, yet uses plain enough language that I can make sense of it all. From what I read there, it really needs more trials and studies with larger amounts of people. And the studies need to try lowering, or upping the dose if it doesn’t work. They stick at that “magical” dose of 4.5 mg and never change it. While it has been used for years at much higher doses, with few to no side effects or visible long-term effects, not much research has gone into that for the low dose. When medication is used differently than originally attended, and is found to have different properties/uses at a different strength, even lower dose, the side effects can change, sometimes drastically. Though, it is rare for drastic changes, it is common for side effects to be different. Instead of headaches and stomach cramps, you might get insomnia and no appetite. They usually stick to the same areas, though, again, not always.


The point of this post today, and going forward is, I am hoping to chronicle my journey on this medication. I want to try to keep track in one spot, my reactions while taking LDN. Mostly for me, but also in case anyone else is looking for some sort of answers about this stuff and become confused by this stuff. I am lucky enough to have a parent who was in the medical field**, so I am hoping to use the knowledge she has taught me, for this post.

I will try to be concise, and organized (a rarity with me) for each entry. I will detail any side effects, benefits Рincluding mood (supposedly helps?), or other issues that arise. The side effects will be the hardest to track, as I already have so many symptoms for all my problems. And the few side effects reported, were to a lessor degree, similar to my symptoms.

My main target with this medication is my bowel problems, but as all my issues РAsthma, eczema, bowels, joint pain, and allergies Рare all inflammation problems, I will focus on the bowels, but include any changes in the rest. IF there are any changes.

Each day will in fact be the day after the dose mentioned.



*Honestly, I ALWAYS research, medications, procedures, possible conditions. When Mom was still a nurse, she would give me her old medicine interaction books, and occasional other medical books to use (you can buy most of them, from specialty stores and on-line – just expensive as hell). Now, I use the interwebs.


**¬†All my life I have been taught, to some degree, how medicines work, and the respect they need. eg: Mom has told me for over 30 years you can take acetaminophen with ibuprofen. Doctors in just the last few years will prescribe that in emergency rooms for mild – moderate pain. (I know more too! ūüėČ )




May 14th, 2017:

Nothing at this time to report, consider all the above my first entry. Each new entry will be mark with [UPDATED] in front of the date. There is no information on how long it takes this stuff to be effective, so may not be much new each entry, not for a few weeks at least.

At this time, I will say, as hard as I fight to squash all excitement and hope, my mood is a tad bit more buoyant. While I may be going into this realistically. I find I can not help but feel hopeful. I NEED a win. I am DUE a win.

I will add, just having something that “needs more testing and information, but shows promise” to try? Really is making it so much easier to fight on. The depression was getting harder and harder to ignore, or fight.

AFK (Always Keep Fighting) Right folks?


May 18th, 2017:

I am not holding out any sort of hope for quick results, but had wondered about any side effects. The more research I do, the more I run across personal accounts of being on this LDN. Seems a huge amount of people were/are/have been told to start out at .5 mg, and to “NEVER EVER, AT ALL” start at the full dose of 4.5 mg. *shrugs* No clue why? Most said that within a day or two they were so sick they ended up in the hospital. But, more often, I would read “but nothing happened to me”.

I have no clue if I have side effects from the medication. All the “possible side effects” that can happen with this medication, I already have! LOL Not sure if that is a good thing, but at least it’s not new problems.

I admit, I had a teeny tiny flicker of over hopefulness (I know, not a good word combination – but BAD stupid brain today), when on the second day, for almost half a day, I had no pain, no cramps, not even the sensation of movement inside my bowels. It was THE weirdest thing! I was so unuse to no pain or weird feelings in my guts, I almost was worried. But I realized quickly that is actually normal for most people. Of course, I had been so damned exhausted I napped, and it was back about 2 hours after I woke up. Only got to enjoy that feeling for a few hours.

I assumed it would be a few weeks before I felt any sort of difference in my system, but I am reading that it can be up to a YEAR for some people!!? Holy crap  it better not be that long.

Not much more to update, just that I am not trying the meds in the morning, as it might be adding to my insomnia. Find out in a day or two.


Not much else to update.


May, 20, 2017:

I think I made a huge mistake switching the LDN to the morning. I could be wrong, maybe it’s other factors. But the fact I need naps right after I have had a nap, and my energy is sucked out of me as if hoovered by some energy sucker … Okay, I will give up on comparisons.

I have skipped this morning dose, and will switch back to night time.

If that doesn’t help? Then I may have to get doc to check my iron levels, and my thyroid levels again.

Other than that, not much else to report. I might be having symptom relief? But Not that I can tell?

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Chronic health, and sex

I’m going to be frank with you here. Well, no, frank isn’t my name, nor is it anyone I know. How about, I’ll be honest with you.

Silliness aside, chronic health, whether it’s mental illness, chronic pain, or some other chronic health issue, can really put a damper on not just sex lives, but relationships in general.

My husband and I use to have a very active sex life before the kid. If not a few times a night, at the very least every few days, few times. Once the kid came along (technically had two, read other posts on that) it dwindled to once or twice a week.

As time passed, and the kid got older and trouble happened, of course it changed again, this time to just a few times a month. Once the step demon was gone, it went back up a bit, only to drop as the pressures at my husband’s work brought him to his knees with depression and anxiety (a sort of PTSD type anxiety). By that point we were lucky if we managed once a month.

Then it happened. I became ill. At first we managed to try, but at the time (we found out a year later) my thyroid had crapped out horribly, and had asthma from allergies. That was 10 years ago? Give or take a year. For about 2 years we were lucky if we managed every few months. But finally managed to get my health under control, and for 5 amazing years we eked our way back to a few times a month.

When his work got so bad he had to go on medical leave, we once again fell to maybe every few months, and by the time my bowels and health problems became so worrisome I started having the doctor look into what was wrong? We were down to maybe twice a year? And now, with my health completely and totally out of control, on top of my husbands depression and anxiety spiking (due to my health, and money one of his biggest triggers) we hadn’t had actual intercourse sexual contact in … well, hmm. I think before my hysterectomy back in September 16th 2015! There might have been a one-off after that, somewhere?

I will give him hand jobs, and I do have some toys for myself, but even those are maybe every couple of months, if either of us actually feel like it? Sometimes one of us *coughMEcough* will tease the other with EVERY intention of following through, but 90% of the time, but the time we get to the bedroom (still have a kid at home) both of us have lost all steam, or my stomach decides that is the perfect time to cause pain, or a trip to the bathroom.

The bonus though? We we do have sex, it is usually very amazing. You’d think it would be over quickly because of the time between, but it is usually the opposite for us. It’s no marathon like in our youth (we rarely were done before 45 minutes!), but a good amount of time.

One of the other things about sex, is I am lucky. Or have been since marriage. Before my husband, I was rarely in a relationship (didn’t care for them back then), but did enjoy an active sex life. And I was not always able to take care in the “after sex cleanup” before I bolted home. So I suffered many UTI’s and yeast infections back then. Once I met the husband, They became so rare, I almost forgot the symptoms. I think the last one I had (not including from the catheter from my hysterectomy) was a month ish after I gave birth.

Imagine my surprise, when after GREAT care to make sure I “cleaned up” after our almost marathon of amazing sex the other night, I ended up with a UTI. On top of ALL my other health problems … it is not fun.

Oh, umm Right, to get back on track, As for the relationship part of chronic health, For many people it can either make things stronger, or break it so far apart it shatters and can never be repaired.

It seems to truly depend on the type of illness, just what direction the relationship takes, and of course the people. Mental illness, addictions, things that are NOT easily control with medicine seems to push people apart more so than physical health problems. I am not sure why, and this is only based on my small world, and personal observations. The ones that stick it out, seem to be more resentful, more distant towards each other.

I will admit, I struggle myself to keep our relationship close. I haven’t figured out yet when I am at my worst. When my health is bad? When my depression is rearing its head? Or when I am health, and feeling good? I know I am certainly shorter tempered when I myself am feeling bad, both physically and mentally, but I am much more angry and snippy when healthy. You’d think, suffering depression myself that I would be more understanding, and I really wish I could be. But it is so different from person to person. I tend to push through. “Tough it out” so to speak. Even at my worst, laziest, lowest moments, I tend to be awake more, even though I am exhausted, and while I don’t do much, or even want to move (seldom feel hungry, have to keep track to remember if I have eaten that day), I tended to want to be near my family, give and get hugs and reassurance. My husband tends to shut himself away. Not want to be near anyone.

Thing is? I have been told, holy fuck too many times, that sexual relationships helps to overcome the distance, to help keep relationships strong in those situations. I just don’t see how? You are forcing yourself to do something you just are not in the mood for. That just leads to resentment.

For us, and I am by no means saying this is for everyone, Actually let’s take that further, for ME, what is the best solution is to remind myself that I have been there. He has been there for me. And no matter how long it takes, eventually that darkness will lift. How would I feel if he didn’t stick by me, stand there, wait for me, be my light at the end of the tunnel? I love my husband, and while in this state it may not be “him”, I will always love him, which means being that light, having the patients needed to help him through.


Sorry this post is jumping around, so jumbled. I have had, what I call, “stupid brain”. It makes it VERY difficult to keep¬†my thoughts in a straight row. Hard to get what is in my head, making sense. BUT, if I don’t get it out (easier in type, which is why I blog) then it just rattles up there, and adds to the problems with my thoughts.


That’s enough for today. I should be in bed, it is almost 4 am after all.

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Life at a stand still, moves to fast

Honestly, life moves at one speed, but our perception of time seems to be fluid. Some days it feels like an hour can take forever, while other times it feels like 10 years has passed in the blink of an eye.

The past two months have been that way for me. Being home sick. It has been both, seemingly forever, years. Yet, moving so fast that I am missing things. Nothing is getting done.

Today I had every intention of forcing my doctor to write my return to work letter. I didn’t care if I had to break out tears, cursing, or even violence, Which I would not have actually done. Just bravado in my head. Large talk, no action. But, I was willing to beg, I was sure I could talk him into it. Even after how crappy the last two days have been for me. Even though I still feel dizzy. I was sure I could talk him into treating me, and giving me two weeks for the treatment, and letting me go back, even just a few days a week, 4 hour shifts.

Holy fuck was I so sure.

I was wrong.

Honestly though, I didn’t beg, I didn’t whine. I just stated I really am getting antsy, and the money would be nice. But he didn’t budge. I am not sure if I froze or if it was relief, or what. I just know that when he first said “Look, I don’t think you are ready to go back. And I am sure you know that too. I won’t consent to that.” I was stopped in my tracks. The tone he used, so quiet, almost disappointed Dad quiet, not mean, not harsh, just patient, wise, and final.

It stopped all words dead on my tongue, in my brain. All I could do was stammer, “but, but … I understand. It’s just …. well. I need to go back. I am just so restless, and work….” I trailed off and mumbled “but, money …”

He gave a sort of sad frown and said he understood, but I am not sure he fully gets how it is to rely on work for money. Or how little EI gives, or how short of a time they give it.

I am not sure how he did it, I don’t remember him saying anything else, but I spilled the beans about how dizzy I get, how even just doing dishes at home I need a break every half hour or hour. I sang like a bird on the first beautiful day in spring. He just gave a weak smile, and without actually uttering the words, said the loudest I told you I have ever heard. Pretty sure the actual words were something like, “Well, I believe you can agree, that isn’t the best health for working, now is it?” I might have a word here and there wrong, but very close to that.


The hardest part about the whole thing? I think what would have made not going back to work easier? If he had just given me some kind of treatment! Even a placebo at this point would have been better than nothing!

Now, don’t go cursing him out. I understand why. It just doesn’t stop my frustration! You see, SIBO, Candida, and a few other “unconventional medical problems” are relatively new in medical fields. As doc said, most doctors still won’t even acknowledge that they MIGHT be something, let alone treat it.

I told him what my research said, and he was VERY polite and did not say that he would not take advice from a patient loaded with Google answers. But he did say that he wasn’t comfortable issuing any treatment without having the knowledge of the issue. He just is not comfortable prescribing antibiotics or any medication without knowing more.

Damn smart people and their ethics! ūüėČ

So, he pointed me in the direction of a Naturopath in town that he knew has dealt with SIBO and many other problems for a few years now, and has had great success. And I appreciate that, I do. But extended health coverage (and even provincial coverage) does not actually recognize Naturopaths as real anything, and do not cover the “hippie dippie” stuff. UGH!

So, I phoned the place, asked the costs, and cringed. My extended health will cover $20 each visit, but initial visit is $160, and that is not including any teats they order (which will be extra), or any drugs or “supplements” they prescribe. Each follow-up is $40 for a 15 minute visit or $85 for a 45 minute.

The lady I spoke to was awesome, and said she’d find out if I must have the tests, since my doc pretty much said this is what it is. She did let slip something about a diet, so I pressed her on that, asked if that was the only treatment option, and she mentioned supplements. So needless to say, I am a bit wary now. After all, I have been researching everything I can for almost two weeks, and almost EVERY site I saw (including Canadian “clinics” with actual supposed doctors – I take online statements with a grain of salt) say to use the FODMAP diet. WHICH, I have already done, and it actually made me worse! PLUS, all these sites talk about antibiotics. NOT that any of them had the same time-frame for how long to take them, they did all agree on which ones.

Just makes me nervous. I don’t want to spend $160 (and probably more for the tests that I am sure they will insist on) just to be told to try this diet and some vitamins or something (Supplements make me think vitamin). BUT, at the same time, I have to go don’t I? I mean if I don’t at least look at every possible thing, I might miss out on something that could potential fix me.

The length of time this is taking is really leading to a lot of frustration for me, which is spiralling into depression. Also for my husband.

You see, he is only getting about 2 hours of sleep at a time because his sleep apnea is so damned bad, so he is exhausted to begin with. And he is already depression and fighting anxiety. Then add to that his worry about me and my health … Guys, he is BAD!

So, of course I worry about him, and feel guilty because I am sick and at home (yep, no logically reason for that, I know. But it’s there). AND I feel guilty if I start to feel anger or frustration at his lack of doing anything. It is one HELL of a bad spiral up in this house y’all! Even my son is feeling it, and the pressure to find a job or go back to school.

It’s bad.

REAL bad.

I know they say money will not, can not buy happiness. But it sure as hell would solve a CRAP ton of our problems and make life easier, and lift some of the worry. Which means, I need to win the lottery ASAP! hehe Guess that means finding money to buy some tickets?

So many things put on hold until we can get everything worked out. Just need that first brink to be place, then it will all just fall in line so fast. Just one brick, a treatment plan. Once I have that? Things will move fast.

Problem is, the last few days, time has sped up so fast for me. I feel like I can’t hang on much longer. For me, a treatment plan is what will put the brakes on. Help slow this ride down.

The weird part is? I also feel like I am frozen in place. I can’t move forward, I have no life right now. Again, if I could just get a treatment plan, things could get moving.

It’s a bit like Schr√∂dinger’s cat. I am both, moving too fast, but not moving at all. The treatment plan is the answer. I am sure of it.

Besides a treatment plan, I know I need something. I just don’t know what.

I need … I need


I need to move, but I need the ride to stop. I pride myself on being able to fight my way through my depression. TOOTH AND NAIL, sometimes. It leaves me bloody and beaten, but I make it. EVERY. TIME. I dust myself off, I push through.

But this time. It feels different. I feel broken. Not just battered. Broken.

I know I can’t give up. I know I WON’T give up.

But I wan to. I want to just let go and see where I fall. I don’t care if this train is over water or fire, rocks or clouds. I just want to let go.

I can’t deal with the guilt, the pain, the worry on my husbands face. I can’t hold us both up right now. I can barely hold myself up.

I can’t stand the pity and worry on my sons face. It’s breaking my heart. I can’t reassure him and give myself pep talks, not at the same time.

But the guilt of taking care of only me. It feels so wrong. It feels cruel. It feels selfish.

I just want to let go. I want to move again. I want to breathe.

I am suffocating, and I don’t know how to stop it.

Hold my hand. Someone. Grab my hand.

I. I can’t. I want to let go.

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Oh the things the body can produce!

(Note: This post is quite the whine fest. And DEFINITELY TMI)

Let’s face it, I am one miserable, unhealthy human being. If it isn’t one problem, it’s another. I have mental health problems, I have physical problems. Usually, I am lucky, and only one thing will bother me at a time. But since February, I have been having ALL the health problems slowly pile on. Much like a game of bulldog, but so slowly I haven’t fallen down yet. Which actually amazes me.

Just as a refresher, here is the list of things wrong with me:

  • Hypothyroidism (which affects EVERYTHING!)
  • Allergies (to everything but dogs – possible food allergies, undetermined)
  • Asthma (brought on by both of the above)
  • Chronic cough (brought on by the asthma – technically the are the same, but last few days, separate?)

Newer, unconfirmed (but doc strong suspects – past history and all)

  • Bacterial overgrowth in intestines
  • Infection in the lungs (unsure if bacterial or viral)
  • Sinus issues (again, unsure if infection, or side effect of allergies, or possible something else)

Problems that are probably side effects of one or more of the above (or medication):

  • Body/joint pain
  • Bloating (to the point that I actually look pregnant! And folks … NEVER ASK! fuckers…)
  • Constant headaches
  • Insomnia
  • Fatigue
  • Alternating between frozen, and over heated
  • Mood swings (mostly likely due to frustration?)
    • Anger
    • Depression
    • Okay
  • Worsening bad breath/taste
  • Weird rashes that flare up, but disappear minutes later

There are so many more, I can’t even keep track of them all. I have started a health journal, in the hopes it will help me find any triggers of certain symptoms, and perhaps allow the doctor to maybe find either a connection between everything, or if separate things, be able to figure out what, without a doubt.

In the 40 -45¬† years before my health crapped out, I don’t think I ever ONCE even imagined I would look at, or smell poop as much as I do. I mean come on! How many of you out there (unless you have some sort of health issue) track your poop based on size, colour, consistence, smell, and what is mixed with it? I’m willing to bet very few actually give your poop more than a passing glance.

I, on the other hand, Can take up to 3 – 5 minutes studying, noting, and writing about what the hell is in my toilet. I also track how long it took, and pain levels etc that I experienced during that time. THEN there is the need to soak my butt with hot cloths because of the hemorrhoid pain and leakage. But that’s just routine at this point.

And NOW, now I have started to track what comes out of my nose and mouth. Honestly, I have mucous coming out of almost every opening my body has. If I can ever get healthy? No one EVER mention the word mucous to me, ever! “You won’t like me when I’m mad”

I will say this, it is amazing the shades of colour mucous can get. It’s actually very similar stats for the poop tracking.

Of all my problems, right now, the coughing is the worst. I can’t go 20 minutes with out running to the bathroom, otherwise if I cough I pee myself. Sexy, right? *sigh* I do wear pee pads, but when you are a larger girl, and it is the coughing that FORCES the pee out, you still manage to somehow MISS the pad (HOW? I don’t know), at least one every 3 time. Which is every time while sleeping. I can wake up before the cough, but getting to the bathroom (I need to dress first – I have a kid I don’t want to scare) before said pee makes it out of my body at mach 10 (is that a thing?) is very unlikely.

One day, maybe when I am dead, I won’t have most of these problems, and I can look back, as I haunt every last person who mocked me or was just a jerk, and laugh about just how miserable I was during this time.

But until then … *Flips up middle finger* FUCK y’all who are mostly healthy! *sticks out tongue and flounces away in a huff*

*sniff* so not fair ….


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