Time fluctuations

What is it about time? We have clocks, and calendars, and I am sure many other things, and they all mark time. Yet it truly is subjective in the thick of things.

At work, it can crawl along and seem like days, when it is just hours, or hours, when it is just minutes or seconds. But yet it can speed up and pass so fast when busy, or doing something that takes your full attention.

At home, when watching an amazing movie that pulls you in, or a show that is immersive. Reading a book that draws you in and paints a picture that is better than reality. Crafts. Games. All these things can speed time up until it is gone in the blink of an eye. Hell, children are the worst for speeding up time in the long haul. Moments can speed or drag, but in retrospective a child can make the years feel like they have slipped through your fingers like water in a sieve.

My son will be 22 very soon.

I feel like I haven’t had enough time. There is never enough time.

So much I wish I could have done differently. So much I wanted to give him. Do for him. But time is a cruel cruel bastard. There just wasn’t enough time to correct the skid. It was like a slow-motion car accident, where you can see what is about to happen, lots of time to think about what is going to happen and what to do, but reality prevents you from doing anything …

But that’s not what I want to talk about. No, it is part of time warp (ha! Get that song out of your head now!) for me, but not the point of the post. It just happened to be an aside that is prevalent in my life. God I love my child more than life, and regrets are very strong in our lives. Hard not to let it creep into many of my posts.

Oops, did it again. On to the real point about time, and it’s subjectivity (is that even a word? Spell check says yes. Weird)

My illness has taken many years from me, and still no diagnoses. This is where the specialist is supposed to help. Give me a name for what I have. It’s one thing for me to be sure of what I have (speculative at best), and even have my doctor some what agree with my theory. But to have actual confirmation, oh hell, even if I am wrong, to just KNOW or have a name for what my problem(s) is(are)! It would be life changing. Maybe not for the world around me, and maybe not even for my family. But for me? It would shatter these walls, these mental barriers I can’t seem to more, break, or see through. I feel stuck. Like I have sunk into the muddy silt at the side of a pond and I can’t find anything to break the suction.

The happy tears, and immense gratefulness I felt at being told the specialist was going to see me is slowly wearing away and fading as time slips past. I knew it would be a long wait. But I thought the glow of knowing it was out there would stay for a while longer.

I suppose I should be grateful for the time. It will allow my lungs to heal a bit in case of surgery. While I am still “smoking” in the form of vaping (god I hate that term), and it still is nicotine, the actual burning of my lungs and the tar is gone. My breathing is so much better, Hell I am even at that stage where my lungs are releasing the crap that’s built up. Last time I quit for a year, it took almost 2 months before I got to this stage of coughing the nasty shit up. Mind you, I am not coughing as much up since I am still inhaling stuff in the form of vapour, but it is happening!

It’s just so hard to wait. Especially as the pain keeps changing now, getting worse almost daily. The ovulation pain I use to feel on the side with the adhesions is back, but the ovary is gone? It is just as intermittent as before. I use to think that pain was ovulation, or when I had a cyst. But now? NOW I believe that it was adhesions that whole time. Or maybe the endometriosis. It’s a pinching, shock type pain. Not like the pain higher up. Just weird, uncomfortable and annoying as hell! Like someone who “isn’t touching you, isn’t touching you …”

I suppose it doesn’t help that I seem to keep getting injured on top of my every day pain? Plus of course aging pains and issues. UGH! No one warns you aging is going to be so fucking hard!

So, time marches on, with brief moments and days that pass in a blink, but the finish line seems like it is never going to come. Maybe it is just constantly moving, like a magnets repelling each other?

I just want my answers. I want the pain to stop.

Maybe then, MAYBE THEN, I can concentrate on the money problems before we end up homeless? Before the government takes half of my cheques, and the debts take the rest? Maybe?


Oh, and on that note … PLEASE? PLEASE donate? share? HELP me stay in my home!! Or at least get rid of SOME of my debt? Now that the tax guys want their money, NOW. sigh

Posted in Anxiety, Changes, depression, General, Health, Life, Money, symptoms | Leave a comment

Just call me Wile E

Because if it can go wrong, it will.

I’ve always been a clutz. Today was no different.

Today things are starting to feel way to heavy. Bills, health, pain, etc etc etc.


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Fast update

Yesterday was first day with new meds. No clue if my symptoms yesterday were the meds, or a bug going around (supposedly a few are sick at work. UGH).

What I do know, is the nausea is very hard to deal with. This is very “mid flu-like” nausea. Head feels like it could be in outer space, and just a general ick feeling. Doesn’t help I didn’t get much sleep.

Should only take about a week for new meds to kick in? Only because the current meds I am on interacts/possibly boost the new ones? (hard to say, others said they felt results in just a day or two, others said it took a month.)

The extra day of this past week really helped. I had very little pain yesterday at work, and only need two half’s of my Percocet! Very nice.

Also, been vaping for just over a week now (or just under?) nice to not stink of cigarette smoke, and all other stuff that comes with quitting smoking. It has already paid for itself three times over. Just have to figure it out a bit more. The fact it has nicotine isn’t all that great, but that’s where the addiction stems. Not sure it’s “better for you” but it is better for my lungs, and it is super nice to get up in the morning and not be hacking a lung out.

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Doc? It hurts when I do this …

“Well, then don’t do that.” Said the doctor. – some old dad joke I can’t give proper credit on.

Well, had my doctor’s appointment. He of course will send off new letter marked “Just see her already, she annoys the fuck out of me” “URGENT”! He is beginning to look at me with pity now. Might be time to just crawl in a hole. Sigh I LOVED him for the fact he listened, tried to help, believed me, AND didn’t pity me. Guess all those tears wore him down?

Anyway, got some refills, and trying two new meds to replace old ones. One is an antidepressant AND nerve blocker! It is on top of my current antidepressant, but will replace it in about a month – weening off it? So long as the new one works. The other is a new antacid thing. Much stronger in the hopes that it will help with the instant pain I feel when I eat anything. He knows it’s not heartburn (though I do have GERD), it’s just, as I told him, I would try burning sage if he thought it’d help.

He is also going to put in a req for a barium enema? I think? I don’t really remember if it was an enema or colonoscopy. Oops.

Bit mad though. I told him I was having less pain the last few days, and now it is back. I need to stop jinxing myself. Dammit. We did touch base on the seizures … He was duly concerned, but I was rambling so fucking much it was hard for him to know what to focus on. But he typed something … honestly, I don’t know much these days.

Well. Lost my train of thought.

Posted in Appointments, Changes, depression, General, Health, Life | Leave a comment

Whine and pain [UPDATE 7]

I will just keep all rants, whines, etc about my health and pain here.

Be warned. This WILL have TMI. This will talk about shit, blood, sweat, and more than likely tears.

I will assume that it will only cross post the once, and not with each update, so if you are interested in keeping on on this post, I suggest checking back in maybe once a month.

I will make this sort of like diary entries.

Tues, June 12th 2018:

As I type this, I have been in the bathroom for almost 2 hours. I had reached the point, after 2 days of nothing, where I just had to try.

At first it was just a little bit here, little bit there. Not much happening. But, I was getting moments where it felt like my bowels just wanted to open up and dump out the world. Picture when you’ve eaten something bad. Kind of like that feeling, but not much happening.

Anyway. So about 20 min ago, “it” began. I have to warn you, please. You don’t want to read this. Look, when I say pain when I poop? That’s just cramps and twisting. Nothing like what I am about to talk about.

Yeah. I get the odd break in the pushing (NOT self inflected. My BODY forces the push) and pain, which is when I am doing most of the type for this post.

When it starts, it starts much like any stomach bug, or my usual pooping cramps, but very, VERY, quickly gets away from me. My body literally takes over and does what it wants. It is hard to describe. The only close thing would be child birth, but even that is more controlled that this. Similar sensation, but but instinct and muscle memory I guess? I just cry, moan, beg for it to stop, and even debate about taking every last pain killer (prescription and OTC) there is in the house.

I know, it sounds like I am joking. SO many people think I am joking. Suicide is NOT something I would EVER joke about. But when I am in the throes of … Whatever this is, that pain, that twisting, cramping, pushing and agony that is all out of my control? I truly do beg for death, and most times I mean it. I have truly feared that my insides were going to be pushed out.

Logically I know it will end, and the pain will stop. So I don’t REALLY want to be dead. Just dead during it. But sometimes, when the pain is slow to ease up during the “quiet spots” between pushes? I remember that it WILL happen again. Maybe not for a day, maybe I might be fucking the most lucky person on the planet, and I will get a month where I don’t get this.

Sadly, if I don’t have this, it just means the every day, all day pain is worse. With fewer “no pain” spots in the day.

Occasionally, rarely, I will have one of “these” bowel movements where it is just a really bad, really long single push/pain thing and when it is done in am left soaked in sweat, crying, nauseous, and faint. But it is done. Only once, in all my life, have I ever had a short “must push” with pain with no follow up push. I even had barely any after pain. I truly thought I’d passed out and was dreaming for awhile.

Anyway. These … Sessions in the bathroom kill me. They kill my life, they kill my spirit, my want of, my want to do … For days, even weeks I cringe when I have to poop. I am so sure it will be the same this time. Every time. Many times I will have “this” two days in a row. Often enough to cause such parinoia.

I also know, that most times after this, I will be back in here in about 2 hours, maybe 4. Depends on if I was backed up first, or how bad a session it was. The more backed up, the more often, and sooner I have to go.

The more pain (regardless of how many pushes), means less visits.

Sometimes it is very confusing. And hard to figure out. Just, have to do what my body wants.

Imagine having this JUST before going to work. The fear. The pain.

I CAN hold it back. But if I do, it restarts to cycle of backed up and just adds to the pain. Making the next time that much worse.

So, believe me. I am beyond grateful that I have 3 days off this week. Rest of today, and 2 more. I have 2 more days to relax.

I think I am done this session. Not the worst, but not easy. I will have to break my rule of no pain killer at home.

But now, I need to reheat my heat bag so I can cook my insides. Maybe, just maybe I can avoid pain killers?

Just kill me.

Wed, June 13th 2018:

Second day. Not as bad as last night. But I need a vacation from my body.

Hate these ones that last multiple days.

Yeah, so in my last post, So many problems, so few options, I mentioned that today would be my “get things done, and settled” day. Change of plans. I am going to go sleep until the pain and discomfort goes away, or until the world is gone, which ever comes first.

In reality, probably until the pain wakes me, or my bowels decide to twist in a knot and strangle everything else.

What I am saying? Is it is nap day, and no one, or thing will stop me. (I hope.)

Fri, June 15th 2018:

Not sure what’s going on. My parinoia is at an all time high, and I just want to go home and hug my hubby and hide in bed.

Pain seems okay? Some sharp pains where my left ovary was.

Sigh, make it stop. I KNOW they aren’t talking about me, I can hear what they are saying, but my brain is just working over time with this parinoia.

Someone tell me I’m ok?!!?

Sat, June 16th 2018:

Not sure if it’s the new medication, or just the natural cycle of mine. But whatever it is? I am constipated. And I think I popped something. Again. Same spot. Fuck.

The nausea was better today, a bit. But the head floating in space feeling was really bad. Now am just in pain AND nauseated. Good thing I’m going to bed to die.

Mon, June 18th 2018:

Right now, it is 11:20 pm. I have now been on the toilet for over 2 hours, fast approaching 3 hours. I have not yet looked at what is going on, but I assume constipation. Not my usual “slow system” constipation, but actual “passing bricks” type. I have been wrong, very recently actually, in thinking that. But this sure as hell FEELS like I am passing an old growth oak tree out my ass!

Seriously. You might scoff, but it really does feel like my butt is being split. I am trying my damnedest to not push, but when it feels like it is stuck RIGHT there … Hard not to just giver and bare down. Doesn’t help I am also having intermittent labour pains where I have no choice but to push.

Right now there is a lull in the pain and action. I am almost positive I have ripped something inside, or given myself a hernia! Depending how I move, there is some serious pain going on.

I just want to be done. I want to be fixed. I want to have a pain free life, even if just for a month. Just to see what it’s like.

Fuck, I can feel another labour pain coming. Cries into her Gatorade

Sun, June 24th 2018:

The last few days have been a cluster fuck when it comes to my life. My bowels have picked the worst times to try and do anything. Like now. Less than an hour before I have to get ready for work! Yesterday, same thing. And each time, labour like pain’s. Plus each time it feels like something has popped because of the pushing. If I could stop it, the pushing, I would. But my body gives me no choice, to fight it just makes it worse.

Working after is so hard, so painful. I actually have to take enough Percocet and Tylenol that I become very dopey.

By the time I get home I just feel like dying, or maybe just crying myself to sleep?

I take softeners, but it really doesn’t matter, what gets “stuck” isn’t hard! It’s already soft. So why it is so difficult and stuck? The doctor’s (2 of them anyway), when I’ve gone to the hospital in the past with this pain, have said it’s constipation. Yeah well, no. More and more I am convinced it is adhesions causing blockages. And it’s affecting my breathing now too.

Just kill me! I hurt and only have 20 minutes to get off this toilet.


Thu, June 28th 2018:

Not sure if today’s pain/bowel issues are the usual thing, or some bug. All day I have been exhausted, even had 2 long naps. But, I did manage some food.

But supper triggered major cramps, and an attack of diarrhea. Normally I will get cramps in my stomach, but it’s a twisting, pushing/pulling pain. Like my stomach is trying to work when it doesn’t want to. Not a full feeling, just pain.

This cramping was in the bowels themselves, like a stach bug bug gone wrong. Very much a “better RUN to the bathroom 5 minutes ago” type pain.

Now that it is mostly over it is much like the aftermath of my usual bathroom visits.

Now comes the hard/fun part. I work tomorrow. I should have been in bed 20 minutes ago, and have about 30 to fall asleep. BUT I have to wait until my insides settle, then shower.

The sooner I see the specialist the better. Can’t take much more waiting.

At least I only work 2 days then have a week off!


Fri, July 6th 2018:

Almost to the end of my week off. Been very relaxing. I have done pretty much nothing but sleep. Well, not 24 hours a day, but damned near. LOL

My bowels have more or less behaved. Not in a way I would call normal people poop. But very little pain for what I am used to. And, honestly, I’d say darn near regular.

Then yesterday I had to help mom, dad, and kiddo pack up the campsite since no one could bring themselves to be there after the cat died. My brother is still crying just at the thought of her.

Anyway, so ya, I didn’t go yesterday, and the pain was building because of it. Even though I was careful and didn’t do any heavy lifting or too much at all, it still through off my whole system. So knowing vacation is almost done, I didn’t wait. I took 2 softeners last night so I could be “regular”. At least until I am back at work!

Problem is? It has now been almost 3 hours? And I don’t know if I will ever be done. JUST when I think there can’t be anymore? WHAM!! Labour pains, and a tiny trickle. Ladies, ever been kicked, hard, in the vagina? That breath sucking feeling? Makes you just pant and almost squeal as you suck your breath in? It’s sort of like THAT for about 10 minutes AFTER the labour like pains.

It is NOT my idea of fun.

I am hoping it is over? But I can feel the pain starting in my lower back, and my rectum is spasming, so I know another round is about to start.

See you in hell bitches!

Posted in General, Health, Life, symptoms, TMI | Leave a comment