What the hell?

I really don’t quite know what’s going on right now. But I do know I am beginning to worry about working tomorrow.

You see, I am pretty sure most of my problems at the moment are a rebound effect from the Prednisone. It’s just that I have never had it like this before.

The aches are fading, so that is a bonus. But the extreme sharp pains followed by diarrhea … That’s a new one. Well, let me rephrase, new for me after taking Prednisone. Which makes me wonder if because of the Prednisone my insides started to heal and get rid of this flu, and as soon as I stopped, my insides (not being fully healed) got really pissed off!

I have never met anyone who knows the feeling I mean. I have ALWAYS gotten a very sharp, stabbing pinch just before diarrhea. Even as a kid. The illness type doesn’t change it. Flu, food poisoning, stomach bug, and other stuff. It is always the same. Sharp pains that stab me, from about 4″ up from belly button, to about 2″ below, about 4″ wide. Every single time.

The one thing I have noticed with this compared to my usual bowel problems, pooping EASES the pain. So it is a bug or something, not my usual “undiagnosed” stuff. That gets worse when I go.

I wasn’t going to nap today, since I have to work tomorrow, but I think I need to get as much sleep as possible right now, I can worry about getting a routine when my body isn’t such a fucking bitch.

I am otherwise still in good spirits. As much as I can. LOL

Would be nice if this diarrhea would stop though. Sheesh.

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Be on the look out

I was thinking that I would stop posting anything health related, at all. At least for a while. But then, today I searched through all my old posts looking for answers on how long it takes for my body to get over the rebound effects of Prednisone. And, well. Here I am.

See, I have started hormone therapy (Progesterone) in the hopes it will help the pain I have been experiencing in my bowels – possible endometriosis. Thing is, having started that at the same time I started the Prednisone, I am not really sure what symptoms are coming from what thing.

One thing I do know, and will REALLY have to watch in the coming weeks, is that I am agitated. I wouldn’t go so far as to say all out anger? But there is definitely angry under tones in my mind right now. It could be just me being so sick and tired of being sick and tired. It could be just life in general. Hell, these days, who isn’t annoyed by life just a bit? Lack of money, missing work, etc etc can sort of weigh on a person, ya know?

But as I was yet again sitting on the toilet being “annoyed”, I realized it was a bit more intense, with a slight hint of agitation, maybe some “manic” (not clinical stuff … just …. over-caffeinate style). And I realized that for me? This post is my best bet. At least for tracking this sort of feeling. I just have to remember to start tagging my posts for easier finding of things later.

Hell, this whole post has taken less than 3 minutes to type out. That’s quite the record for me.

Yes, I have had coffee, but usually that slows me to a sloths pace on a sunny day.

These sharp pains in my stomach really aren’t helping me figure out what is going on. VERY distracting actually.


Ahh, there’s the mind slip I am use to. Whew, was beginning to think I had some hyper thought or something.

Yep, this is something to keep an eye on.

:/ Sloth mode.

Stupid fragile meat suits. Why can’t the human body be …. self repairing or something. This sick thing just makes no sense.

Okay, still agitated, but this helped.


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Who am I?

It’s been a long time since I have been able to really look at myself and feel good. Not just physically, though that is, was, also a big part, but mentally I was struggling. I honestly didn’t know if I was coming or going, I was beginning to lose myself in my illnesses. And it was showing to the world I am sure. In what I posted, how I spoke. It was all I knew.

Let’s face it, I have never really known who I am, what I am. Other than the obvious human aspect, I always struggled to fit in any where. My identity has always been tied to others; daughter, sister, wife, mother, worker, and rarely – boss. I never really had my own identity.

So, when my illnesses came along, it was something that was mine, sure, others had similar or even worse, but these were mine. I allowed them to shape who I was. I became my illnesses. I have begun to steer out of that in the last few days, after years, almost a decade, of being my illness(es). I just don’t know who I am? If I am not my illnesses, who am I?

Yes, the obvious, go back to all the other things. But that isn’t ME. The core me. That is what I need to work on now. Using descriptors, maybe I can narrow things down, help myself figure things out? But I think I will leave that for another post.

Back to the original thought; It’s been a long time since I have been able to look at myself and see something other than sick. Tonight, I had my first glimpse.

I have been dealing with Allergies, asthma, bowel issues, Endometriosis (suspected), flu, general intestinal problems, SAD, thyroid, and a myriad of other minor things. All of this collapsed on me this past week, when, while at work, I had breathing problems complicated by the flu and all my other issues. It set off actual anxiety in my brain. Not to say I have never had anxiety, just inĀ this nagging, always wondering sort of way.

I had a decent day, my husband has learned to putter, and you can see it in him! His weight loss, the change brought on by his changed anti-depressant medication, his whole out look! He is still struggling, always will. It is a life long battle. But to see him actually …. dare I say? Happy? It eased my heart. It released a grip on me I hadn’t felt any more. I damned near broke.

My son is slowly improving from his bought of flu, and my baby girl (a cat) is actually coming to handle her medications like a major trooper! Even asking for them if I am late!?

My last dose of Prednisone was tonight, and while cough is not fully gone, it is easing. Could ease enough to stop needing pee pads, but that will come in time.

I decided to shower, help clear the lungs a bit.

That’s when I looked in the mirror. Not in the “let’s make sure I am not growing a horn” sort of way, but a “who are you” way. I hadn’t shaved my mustache in almost a week, I hadn’t plucked any random long black hairs from my chin, or shaved the uni-brow away. I hadn’t even looked at the dead peeling, scaly skin around my one eye that had begun to spread to the other eye. I did so then. I REALLY looked. I looked with a critical eye, with an eye I thought a stranger might use. A bitch stranger.

What I saw? Surprised me. The dry skin under my eye was 99% gone, I had to really squint and lift my lashes to see any evidence that the tiny blisters it came from were even there (one, for the record). I could see a few darker hairs on my upper lip, but it took moving my finger upwards to even feel them, and they were softening (the hormones SHOULDN’T be work already?). I had no dark chin hairs, and the ones that are always there seemed finer, lighter? Hell, I couldn’t even see any grey hairs trying to poke out.

Then I REALLY looked. Closer, deeper. I liked what I saw. Maybe the combination of being sick (flu), Prednisone, and Progesterone was doing something to me? I even have COLOUR on my cheeks. I can’t remember the last time I had. I am talking before I hit teen years. So ancient times. šŸ˜‰ I have always need blush if I wanted to look “healthy”. Or at least that’s what my Mom would tell me, and magazines, and strangers. To be honest? I have quit using even just blush years ago. IF I had a “good day” and wanted to do it FOR ME, I would occasionally wear makeup. But maybe 3 times in 5 years?

So, I looked. I looked at me. I can’t tell what, if anything has changed. Not really. It could be the medications, or it could just be a better mental place. Whatever it is? I hope it lasts for a while. My pores seem tighter, skin a bit softer, less dry. My eyes don’t look so …. dead. Even the dark circles I have had the last 5 years seem to be fading (though, the lateness of the day has them coming back). Whatever it is, I like it.

I am even sitting here, listening to music as I type this. Enjoying it.

I don’t know if I will ever really figure out who I am. And really, that’s okay. I know I am awkward, weird, standoff-ish, bitchy, whiny, lazy, and a bunch of other words I have heard used I don’t like. But you know what? Whatever I am? I am me. All the good, all the bad.

I am FIERCELY loyal – I will fight your enemies to the death, if they hurt you. If I let you in, love you, it is for life. But if you abuse the trust, that love (and that takes … WOW that takes way to much), then, it is unlikely it will ever been earned back. If it is? Trust me, don’t break it a second time. I am AMAZING at freezing and ghosting you out of my life, and you will know why.

I am actually pretty easy-going, but with odd “has to be this way” type quirks. shrugs hard one to explain.

I might disagree, but I will listen to your side, and it may not seem like it at the time, I may even seem like I am ignoring you, but it is stewing in my brain. It might take time, or may never happen, but it sits there and I do try to understand you. I will be softer next time you bring up the subject. I do listen even if it doesn’t seem like it.

If you need me, I WILL be there. It may not be instant, it may not be long, but I WILL be there. To the point of dropping my own life in the ditch. If you need me? I am there.

Thing is? I don’t do ANY of it for anything. You owe me NOTHING. I don’t care. I don’t do “favours”, I don’t do the whole “if I do for you, you must for me”. The ONLY time I MIGHT say it’s a “favour” (TOO MANY QUOTES!!!), is if it means money. If I have so little, but you have greater need. I will give it to you. But I may ask for it back by a certain time. BUT I tell you up front. Never will I guilt you, not if I can help it. I will be straight forward. Some times to the point of hurtful, without meaning to be. If I do something wrong? TELL ME. I might be hurt, but I will get over that. I would rather know and fix the issue than let it fester. I’m a big girl. Just tell me.

Look, I am a jumbled mess, sometimes contradictory in nature. Like I said, I may never know who I am. And that’s okay. Because I am me. A mess, awkward, loving, loyal.

Just know? I am in a good place right now. And I have YOU to thank for that. You stuck by me, even if just in thought. And that has made ALL the difference.

What I do know? I need to stop letting my illnesses define me. Yes, they are a part of me, part of what makes me who I am. Sometimes that isn’t good.

I am not innocent, or perfect, or maybe even likable, I don’t know. And it doesn’t matter, not really. What matters now, is I work on liking myself. Without seeing the sick parts. It may not happen over night, hell, we have no clue if the hormone therapy is what will work, but without being able to do any test to figure it out, it is trial and error. Eventually something will work. Until then, I work on seeing myself for a person that is there in spite of the sick parts.

Just bear with me. I will still have my bad days, I will still probably bitch about it. But I am hopingĀ  that will also come with better days, more days, where as I learn to like myself again, I have the good days.

The trick will be to share the good as well.

I will try.

You have stuck by me (you KNOW who you are! Hubby, Kid, Cat!, family, Friends. I love you!), I will try to do better for you as well. If I can do better for myself, I will be able to be there more for you.

Thank you!

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So many thoughts, so little brain

So much going on these days, anxiety, S.A.D, asthma, flu, money problems, and general stress. There is so much more. SO, SO, much more. My family’s health, my cats health … the list goes on.

But here’s the thing. I have also had some time to think. It’s not easy when your brain really isn’t an organ that wants to work correctly, but I’ve been giving it a go. Trying to break my problems down, not even so much to prioritize them, more to group them into chunks that I can handle. Much like you would cut a tough steak into tiny bites, throwing out what you can’t eat. That is what I am doing with my problems.

So, health is up first on the block. Right now, I have 2 (3) problems – 2 are linked. Let’s start with the easiest one, but the one causing me the most stress, worry, guilt, and adding to money problems – my asthma and the flu. This one, for some odd reason has me the most turned around.

side note I tend to feel the most guilt, and stress over things I can not control, or that I feel I should have been able to avoid.

back on track

NOW, I can say “what is done is done” but in the beginning, I felt a lot of pain and guilt for missing work, simply because I chose sleep and hiding at home over getting my flu shot. But, over the course of the almost 3 weeks I have now had effects of the 2 combined, And of course listening to the nurses and doctor at the hospital, I have come to realize, there is a very real possibility that while it may not have been as much time missed, I still would have had complications from this flu.

Most of this problem goes in the “what’s done is done” pile. Continue to treat the symptoms, rest as much as I can, and just let my body heal.

The money problem part, the missing so much work part, well that is hard to throw aside. I don’t work again until Sunday, that’s a whole week (almost $400 I lose) I won’t be working. Now, part of this I could solve, by calling work, telling them I can, and WILL work the Friday and Saturday shifts, but again, I need to stop and think. there is the fact the doctor told me that I need to stay off work for 5 days (still means I could work Fri & Sat), there is the fact I have already had one rebound sickness that complicated my asthma, and the fact that if I don’t heal 100% (for my body), and I get sick again I will miss even more time.

So, as hard as it is for me to let this one go? And I may take it out and dust it off as I feel better, I do need to let this one go. I’d rather borrow and beg money for a short-term than to risk my health further, meaning even more time away from work. Anytime I forget that, I just have to stop and think about being at work feeling like I was suffocating to death. Might help remind me to be lazy/careful.

Hell, tried (and did) to make brownies last night (was feel better), and it ended up causing me less sleep due to flared asthma. So, yeah. I need to learn patience and how to relax. RECOVER, is what I need to do. Let my body heal.

Now, for my other health problems. That has been a marathon, nothing to dismiss, and nothing to beat myself up over. Not that those facts stop me. ha! ***Lost train of thought, had to watch my cat – who is feeling better – tease the rabbit. Very funny stuff *** Oh, yes. Anyway, so as I have mentioned before, no test they have done yet has shown anything to be the cause of my pain and suffering. The only thing that gave myself, and my family doctor any glimmer of hope for some sort of treatment, or diagnoses came from the surgery. Adhesions caused my endometriosis.

Of course the gynecologist/surgeon denied the adhesions, which she later stated I was right. So of course, when my doc sent me back to her regarding a solid diagnoses for endometriosis, I was skeptical. THANKFULLY, after finding the mention of it in the pathology, she did agree that it could account for many (not all) of my problems.

side note I did hand her a list of EVERY single symptom I have ever had internally, and externally, since – ever. Actually, no. Not entirely true. Not every symptom. I know I forgot a few, and I did not put in every last one regarding what I knew to be linked to other problems (like my thyroid, or allergies). But symptoms I could not find linked to anything, or I was sure were able to tie into the endometriosis, THOSE I added, even the bowel problems.

back on track

Now, again, this is an issue that has no definitive test to say “YES! YOU HAVE THIS!”, so it is a trial and error of treatments. If one works, then that’s the problem. (OH, I forgot to add no sex drive to my symptoms list) So, due to me being an overweight smoker with asthma, we decided to try the least risky treatment first. Progesterone. (birth control is the first try. Depo I think she said?)

See, this one is hard to chunk up, or even find anything to dismiss. I do feel bad if I miss work because of it, or can’t do stuff with or for the family. But no real guilt or anything like that. Simply because it HAS been such a long haul trek. I just keep plugging along, and hope something works.

Now, I have been on the treatment for about 5 days? hmm Seems so long ago now, what with all the flu and breathing stuff. But, I think it might be helping? Also could be to soon to tell. After all, I am not doing much of anything because of being sick. What I DO know, if I am feeling “randy”, sort of? Not enough to feel up to actual sex. But I certainly enjoy teasing the husband. And I did give him a “hand” last night (which use to turn me on big time in the past, but hadn’t for … years), and I even got aroused a bit! AND, AND, it didn’t hurt! See, in the past, any time I would get aroused, it would feel very painful. Like someone was poking a needle into my vagina and clitoris. NOT pleasant. That didn’t happen this time. So, maybe the progesterone is working already?

As for all the rest of my pile? Not really much to decide. MY cat is being treated for the same asthma (complicated by the flu) I am. Sadly, she has way more meds for that than I do, and some of them she will be on the rest of her life. BUT, it is WONDERFUL to see her playing, and active again. Hell, like I mentioned above, she was teasing the rabbit. God, he so BADLY wants to just cuddle and play with her, but she just hisses and runs away. But slowly, I think she is warming to the idea? (no cabbits, both are fixed! hehe)

My family, well, they are old enough to take care of themselves. So I just do what I can, and am there if they need me. But once a Mom … always a mom. I can’t help but want to baby my son while he has this flu. But I do manage to refrain a bit.

Hubby is doing AMAZING. Lost a ton of weight, just from stopping his Coke (a cola) intake. And we still eat fairly healthily, though very difficult when broke. The crap stuff is just so much cheaper. So we are doing our best to add tomatoes and lettuce at least (cheapest veggies. Everything else is too much money), and try to make things as healthy as we can. After all, This will pass and we will be able to buy groceries again, don’t want to get out of the habit of eating good meals.

No commitment yet on the smoking front. BUT, the husband has approached the doctor, on his own, to talk about quitting! For now though, they are working on tweaking his antidepressants, and getting those stable before adding any stop smoking aids. Even his blood pressure is down! YA HUNNY!!!

Some days, it really is hard to see the way through when there is so much chaos around. But I am learning to just take it one step at a time.

My health and taking care of me, is one area I need to learn to deal with first, before worrying about others. I always assumed I did (after all, if whining and complaining aren’t thinking about yourself first, what is?) But I have learned that isn’t always the case. So I am working on it. I can’t help others if I am out of the race.

Hard to fight on sometimes. Then you get a glimmer of hope, and the fight is renewed!

I have my family and friends to thank for that. For sticking by me, even when I wanted to give up.

Thank you!

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Damned lungs

Okay, posting this here for several reasons, the biggest one being that those I work with that I worry will talk to bosses don’t know about my blog, and the other reason, I feel more comfortable telling the full truth (no “exaggerations” for work purposes.)

I will just assume if you are reading this, you did not see my Facebook.

Right. So I have been sick (not bowels/intestines) for about 2 or 3 weeks now. It started as a “oh crap. I BETTER not be getting what everyone else has”, that lasted about a week. Then, over the holidays it turned into “Oh, I feel crappy, and achy”. I still managed to work the days I needed during that time, until just before New Year’s work shifts (just after my 4 days off). The flu became full-blown, though, some how I managed to avoid the sore throat part EVERY one else complained about??

Anyway, so I ended up with about 2 weeks off? give or take. Yesterday was my first day back. I felt more or less fine. I did get very tired and hoarse, losing my voice several times. But yeah, didn’t feel “sick”. Last night though, my cough came on strong.

side track I waited until I THOUGHT my lungs were NOT going to be an issue for work, before going back to work.

Back on track
So I ended up not sleeping very well. Breathing in, or out would cause gurgling (usually I have wheezing, but very similar), but no pain, just start me coughing. I did manage about 5 hours of sleep, and when I woke, other than being tired, I felt fine to go to work. Was feel really good actually. The aches weren’t there from the day before, and I was breathing fine. Like I said, just tired, and honestly? I am so fucking tired all the time, that is really not something I think about.

I did cough a bit more today at work than I had yesterday in same time span, but I kept my voice (still hoarse), and felt okay. Shortly before my first break, I started to feel a bit … dopey? Sort of dizzy, but not bad. Just weird. AGAIN, this is something I have felt much of my waking time, so didn’t give it much thought. I was more concerned about how I was peeing a little every time I coughed, and was worried I didn’t bring enough pads for the day.

So I had my break. Yes, I still smoke, but when I get like this I smoke MUCH less, and am careful how much of a cigarette I have, and other stuff. (at home I “vape” strictly menthol flavour, no nicotine or additives, just menthol.) Anyway, before I even got outside I was starting to wonder why I was feeling “out-of-body” ish, so hardly smoked, just sat in my car and concentrated on my breathing.

I estimate about an hour after my break, I started to notice that the coughing would happen every time I tried to take a deep breath. Yeah. At that point I knew I’d have to start my Prednisone the second I got home, and slowly move it to mornings, but bring one to work the next day. But, for the moment, I just took my puffer and practiced my breathing techniques, and slowed down with the customers. It wasn’t super busy yet, so it wasn’t hard to do. Until about 15 minutes later I realized I was getting some NASTY vertigo/out-of-body feelings, and couldn’t take a full breath.

At that point I knew I had to act fast, I was right near the front desk, but my voice and breathing wouldn’t allow for me to yell to the supervisor, so I ended up phoning, to ask if I could shut down and just go get some air. Unfortunately, the attack was coming on MUCH faster than I could control, and by the time I finished the 2 customers, and was able to leave the till, I had to sit behind the desk. I could barely walk I was so light-headed and dizzy.

I know I worried quite a few people, and I am sure they thought I was nuts, or lying, when I refused to go to the hospital. BUT, I have been in that spot before, a few times, so I knew what I needed to do, unfortunately it wasn’t possible for me, not without help (I almost denied the help … but that would have put me on the floor. Glad my pride didn’t get the best of me). I NEEDED to get outside. I was hitting panic stage. My logical mind knows what to do, how to do it, but My body thinks that it is being starved, suffocated, and convinces my brain that I a, having a claustrophobia attack on TOP of the asthma attack.

Boss lady called hubby, but he wasn’t home (that was worked out quickly – side story that is nothing), so I sat in the office and tried very hard to work on my breathing. OH, to get to the back, an amazingly sweet supervisor/manager helped me to the back. I felt SUPER bad because it was hard for her to walk as slow as I needed to go, and she kept insisting on getting me a wheel chair. I managed to convince her that a wheeler (for bring groceries out for stock) was all I needed, just lean on it, and move. It gave me something to focus on (lessens the vertigo), and could allow me to lean in a way that was comfortable and beneficial for me, without straining her.

Right, so I got a hold of hubby quickly, and he let me know within 5 minutes that he was on his way (I had car, he had to use Dad’s truck, then go back for car), so I went to stand outside to wait. Using the lockers and walls, I made it by myself. Within moments of the cold air and wind hitting my face, both my body and brain released the death grip panic and I managed 2 FULL breaths before coughing, and was able to recover semi-proper breathing after coughing.

I have now been home since 12:30? 1? And realize I am not going to sleep well tonight, and I am still unable to take full 100% deep breaths. I am both over tired and dizzy, but mostly under control.

BUT, I will say, if by noon tomorrow my breathing, and gurgling is NOT under control? I will phone my doc and leave a message as to what’s going on (and that I am on the Prednisone), and go to the hospital for some oxygen, and … I don’t know, just make sure it hasn’t turned to walking pneumonia. I’ve been vaccinated, but doesn’t mean it can’t happen at all.

And, yeah, I am not working tomorrow. (I need to find someone I can harvest for organs! HAHAH (KIDDING!)

Needless to say, I had many people try to force me to the hospital while I was at work. And while it wouldn’t have hurt? I am much happier at home. Plus I know if it gets to bad, I will go.

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