Short post??

I never know if posts I mean to be very short will stay that way, but here’s hoping!

The problem with a long-term, untreatable (for now), undiagnosed illness, is many. The main one at this time? Is my imagination going absolutely wild with what I might have. I was CONVINCED I had adhesions, but then I stumbled across information on ovarian cancer, and now I am scared (well, more just sort of worried) that maybe THAT is what I have.

All I know, is as time marches on, and we get further and further in debt to rent, to bills, to …. everything, the more I start to panic.

And honestly? I have no one to blame but myself at this point. IF I had applied for the insurance on my loan right from the start, I wouldn’t be so panicked now. See, once that insurance comes in? We are FINE until 2nd week of September. If I can get back to work then, we can have every bill up to date by mid October, and be able to spend extra on things by end of October.

Yep, with only 2 full weeks of work we can be stable again. Well, our gazillion in back rent won’t be caught up for a long time. But that’s another story.

I just need a nice big lottery win and I won’t have to worry. 😉

hey, I am just grateful that the surgeon agreed to take a look inside. NOW I just have to convince her (on the day of surgery no less) to take tissue samples to check for cancer … Good luck to me!

Just wish all these doctors would quit saying I am constipated or have IBS. READ UP GUYS! I sure as hell have. IBS flare ups only last a few days (IF you even have a trigger) and go away for weeks, months, sometimes years. Not this constant, getting worse problem I have. As for the constipation? Yeah, maybe there are times that adds to my issues, but when I was going non-stop, or every day, more than once, and a lot, for almost a month? I doubt that is the underlying problem!

Whatever, I am hitting the long-winded point so I’ll stop.

It may be hard, sometimes seemingly impossible, to fight off depression and anger, but I am doing it. And knowing I have friends and family who have my back when I need it the most? Has kept me from caving.

If nothing else comes from all of this, at least I have learned EXACTLY who I love, who loves me, and just what it feels like to receive that love and kindness for no reason, other than being me!

That alone is damned near worth this shit. 😉 Well, maybe, not all the way worth it. hehe

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Well isn’t that something

I damned near forgot to make this post. Can I blame the smoke around here? Because seriously, if it’s thick enough to affect healthy peoples lungs, it must be potent enough to affect brains?

So, yeah. I went to the gynecologist again today. Was suppose to be for the 3 needles in the muscle above my ovary. Trigger points? WHICH, I found out today, it the same thing my doctor called needling from when he did it to my shoulder, elbow, and forearm! Huh! Imagine that.

She was a bit late. Again. Which is fine, I’m never overly rushed these days. Unless it involves getting to the toilet! Am I right guys? eh, eh! Tough crowd.

When I got into the room she asked me how I was doing. I ended up spewing ALL my frustrations of the last few months flood out of my mouth! poor doc. I just let fly. Told her how I was nervous that this would make a pain I don’t feel become yet another problem. Ho I was disappointed that I wasn’t being checked for adhesions. How I respect her views that it is NOT adhesions, and understand why, but that everything else was ruled out and I just need something that can be treated.

Guys? It was embarrassing. I even whined about how I have to be back to work by Sept and the money … oh it was nasty. THEN, my fucking allergies – making my eyes gooey and goopy lately, I wiped my eyes and she thought I was crying!! UGH! I corrected her on that FAST.

BUT, it was a good talk. And she agreed to get me in to have a check on what is going on in there! So, I am getting my laparoscopy on the 10th (or 15th if the 10th is booked. Shared OR time with other doctor in office).

As Mom said, if she didn’t think there was even a tiny possibility of adhesions, she would not have scheduled surgery. They wouldn’t let her. BUT, that doesn’t mean she thinks it is, but that she isn’t doing it to just “shut me up”!!

Now, since she is pretty damned sure I do not have them, and this is JUST exploratory to rule it out, I have been told it will not be long, and I will be going home the same day. And only a week recovery.

If it turns out that is right, then I talk to my GP and we STOP looking for reasons and diagnoses, and just start finding a treatment that works. And hope we get one in time to get me to work by Sept!

Our talk took so long she only had time from one needle. She tried to find the worst “trigger spot” that made me jump last time. Couldn’t find it. She ended up pushing pretty freaking hard. At which point I have no clue if the pain she finally found was from the repetitive pushing, or was there. Guys? She was pushing hard. And not really much pain.

So the one she finally found had a needle like feeling to it, and was closer to the belly button. I always laugh when doctors say about the needle “this is going to hurt quite a bit”. Not even sure I felt it? well, past the first little skin break. Anyway, so she moved the needle around, asking me how it felt. She didn’t like my answer of “weird, like moving a water blister”. So she moved it until I jumped a bit, and told her she finally hit the spot. Still hardly hurt.

She waited about a minute? or less. Then pushed hard on the spot, asked me how it felt. I said still there. She said that wasn’t right, and quietly wondered if maybe it wasn’t trigger points.

Now, I didn’t say anything …

But I thought very loudly “I SAID THAT”.

I just hid a tiny smirk, and pretended I did not hear what I don’t think I was supposed to hear.

She didn’t even tell me I could get dressed or anything. She seemed thrown off, confused. Talked about how weird the pain wasn’t gone. I reassured her by saying something about maybe because I don’t usually feel it? She just went on to talk about the surgery and trying to make sure I get in on the 10th.

And that was it.

I don’t think she believed me when I told her last appointment that I do NOT feel pain from there unless someone is pushing on it, and not usually that bad unless my ovary is angry (to which she said it wasn’t above my ovary … I know my body, my ovary has always been off kilter, like me), OR I do feel it sometimes when I have to poop/while pooping, but then it is across the whole pelvic area.

I think she believes me now.

So, yeah.

No, I do NOT want adhesions. But if I do have them, then at least I then have a reason, a fix, and some relief. Even if they do come back, at least it can be fixed, sort of easily.

AND, if there is no adhesions, maybe she can see what is wrong, or if nothing, then we can move on.

One more step forward!!!

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Doctor’s appointment

I try my best to never get my hopes up. At least not too much. I usually find you get less pain that way. But when it came to this doctor’s appointment, it had been so long since I’d had any hope. I felt I should let myself go a little. Sadly, I let my hopes get a bit too high.

I felt let down.

I am not sure that’s fair though. It’s not the doctor’s fault. And if I had gone into it with my usually “bah hum bug. Life sucks. I have no luck” sort of attitude, I would probably be quite happy right now. That’s not to say I don’t still think I have adhesions. I do think that. But, for now I will have to contend with the “I’m not sure. Let’s try this non-invasive way first” that this doctor wants. Wait, that’s not even telling you what happened. Let me jump back.

I showed up to the appointment almost 20 minutes early, as I almost always do, and was asked if I would mind waiting, as the doctor had to go back to the OR. I had no problem waiting.

It was only 25 minutes after my scheduled time, so it was no big deal. I got in and of course she went over my whole history. This is where I kick myself after the fact! I usually go over things like this in my head (over, and over, and over, and…) a few days before so I don’t forget any details, and it allows me to think of what the doctor (or who ever) will ask me, and how to word it so it is clear and concise, and explains exactly what I mean. Think is? I didn’t do that this time. I just had no energy or want to do it. And I fucked up. I didn’t explain how Yes, the heat bag works, but doesn’t take away the pain (she thought I meant the pain was gone when I used a heat bag), I didn’t portray how pushing or rubbing my belly on the upper left eases the pain, but isn’t the main problem area (I was doing that the whole time, as I was achy – she thought that was the main problem area). I didn’t explain the type of pain right. I just know I didn’t. I tried to clarify, I really did, but she just never quite “got it” I think she felt I was trying to steer her towards the answer I wanted?

But that wasn’t what I was doing. I just forgot to rehearse. But explaining that would have just made it that much worse.

So then it was time for the poking and prodding. Majority of the areas felt like bruises being pushed. Some day old, some a few days. Of course near my ovaries and in that are felt like knives. I embarrassingly slapped the wall on one push. When she poked and prodded in my vagina, I was having pain, but because she was poking and prodding the top area at same time, I of course said the top was worse. So she took that to mean the vagina wasn’t bad. Look, don’t get me wrong. She knew what she was doing, she seems very nice and very competent. I take complete blame on this. Instead of saying “that hurt” I was saying things like “That felt like a bruise”, or “That felt like a knife”. It was how I was raised. It’s how most doctor’s prefer things. What TYPE of pain, how bad, give descriptions they can relate to anyone, not just you. But, sometimes (and I never learned when) they prefer “ouch”, “that hurts”, and “That is painful”. It’s easier. And that’s what I should have done here. I have never learned how to read these things, and never know when to change the language.

After that, it was back in to the office part of the room (two rooms, but seem like one), and talked about her thoughts. She doesn’t think I have adhesions, and that the bowels are a separate thing from what she found (then explain how they started at same time after hysterectomy??), She thinks that the pain I am having near the left ovary is from “trigger points” in my abdominal muscle.

This means I go in next week, get stabbed with 3 needles in the main trigger spots, and have Lidocaine or Novocaine or some other caine injected. It will intensify the pain for about 5 minutes, letting us (HA! us, you mean ME!) know that we have the right spot, then IF “trigger spots” are my problem then the pain will go away for a short time.

See, here’s the thing. IF this works, great. Solves some of my issues. BUT, she seems to think that it can’t be adhesions because the pain is all over … Umm, I am no doctor. I didn’t spend eons studying, but I can read medical papers, and I can read medical sites, I can even talk to other doctors. And adhesions can spread! They can cause problems and pains EVERYWHERE. And if it’s not adhesions, then why do I have no obstructive obstructions of the bowels? And why to I have 2 loops in my bowels, that just showed up in CT scans and x-rays, but not in the colonoscopy?

Anyway, so that leaves me at this point of “NOW what?” So, what if this solves some of the pain, but not the bowels? And what if I AM right? and it’s adhesions, but they don’t fix it for years or whatever because this worked on some of it?

So, yeah, good news, it’s a step towards figuring me out, and easing some pain, and if it doesn’t work then maybe they will take a look for adhesions.

But, it’s bad because if it DOES work, it still leaves the biggest problem unsolved.

UGH

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Yet another TMI post

I am sure you’re sick of the TMI posts, I know I am. And maybe, just maybe, after Thursday I can stop them?

But for now, posting here is my way of occupying my mind while I wait for the pain to pass.

This is not the same, or as bad as what sent me to the hospital a few nights ago. But in many ways it is worse. But, because it is not in my back, or affecting my breathing, it is so much better.

The hospital visit was like a bee sting near the eye, and this is like a broken toe. Yes, the broken toe is worse, but so much easier to handle, and so different that it isn’t as bad.

I am sure that doesn’t make much sense, but for me it does. I have such different pains, and while some might actually be worse, the location and type of pain can make it better.

What sent me to the hospital was an inability to move or breathe properly. The pain was in the spine (or so it felt). The pain now is in my bladder, or at least that area. The spine felt like it was snapped and/or twisted, this feels like I have a sharp object rammed inside me, sitting or standing hurts, but heat helps it. Pain killer is helping. Though I may need a second one.

The pain now, I can ease depending on how I sit or stand. If I rock or sway. It all helps. With the other night, nothing helped it all made it worse.

Intensity level of now is worse, but location and ability to control it is better.

All of this because I had fiber. Yep. The Emerg doc told me to up fiber and take this super mild non laxative, laxative. I told him it would make things worse, but he started to write something in my file, so told him that I would do all that and hope for the best, so he erased what he wrote (I assume it was something about me not following orders?)

Anyway, the super mild laxative hasn’t really done a whole lot for the “constipation”. I have been going every day (like I was before pain), and yeah, a bit more. But not really anything to say I am cleared up.

So, I had some shredded wheat. LOVE the stuff. But rarely have it. I get cramps and such, but it does make me go. A lot. But, I was desperate, and so had some. Figured it would be my usual cramping.

But no.

This was like my cuff ripped open(where my vagina was seen after my hysterectomy), or my bladder collapsed. I felt blinding pain. All because I tried to poop. Well, I did poop. Some. No constipated stuff, my usual soft stuff.

Not worth it.

Now, at 6:40 am, I think the pain killer is mostly kicked in (might need a second one), and I might FINALLY get some sleep.

Thanks for letting me gross you out. I don’t do this for sympathy. May a bit. Hehe No, mostly this is to help me keep track (because I can’t seem to use my health diary I made), and because it gets it out of my head, and allows me to move past it.

Sort of how swearing helps a stubbed toe, or crying helps an angry child (or even adults).

Just my outlet. I do talk to my family, but I worry they are sick of me. And this? This I know people can avoid. So if you read it, it isn’t a captive situation like it is with family!

What scares me? I now feel almost like I have to go again!! NOOOOOOoOooooooOOOo

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TMI!!! Honest. Turn back now.

****The following post contains disgusting things that may gross many people out****

Continue reading

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