It’s what now?

As I mentioned in my appointment update, no really issues were found, but he thought maybe SIBO. The more research I do, the more it really fits. Thing is though, I do not have the gas that is mentioned. So does that mean I am the exception that proves the rule? Or is it just that I don’t have SIBO?

I mean, I am willing to treat this, but that means antibiotics. Antibiotics is fine, but they can make things resistant, and if SIBO is NOT my problem, then I am taking the antibiotics for no reason. Such a dilemma. My other thought is Candida with adhesions.

SIBO has the pain levels I experience, but Candida is less gassy, less smelly overall. SIBO tends to make the stomach/insides very noisy, Candida is less noisy. Otherwise, they both share very similar symptoms.

Will have to ask doc about treating for Candida first, then SIBO if that doesn’t clear it up. I think that might be the safer route?

Either way? The research can’t seem to agree on exactly what diet to use, and the ones that do agree on diets, can’t seem to agree what that diet includes. It’s just a mess. So many “trendy” problems, so lots about it, but not enough “real” stuff for those that might ACTUALLY have these problems. Hard road to travel. Though the one big thing they all seem to agree on? Cutting down on the sugar. At least processed stuff. Which, honestly? Isn’t all sugar processed? Some say NO sugar, not even fructose, etc. Others, say just not refined, and others still say cut it down.

SO, for now, I have been cutting it back, and will try even further over time. TRYING to cut it down in my coffee too, but can’t seem to get below a spoonful. I have cut out the cream (90% of the time), so maybe that’s why it is harder to get it out completely?

The weird thing? For both SIBO and Candida, they say you CRAVE sweet stuff to the point of almost obsessive. But lately? I honestly don’t care if I have it or not. But, that could be because if I want it, I have it. I don’t deprive myself of it. I’d say on average I have dessert type things twice a week. Some times of course that is 2 days in a row, other times it is none one week, and only 1 day the next.

Now I just have to figure out the carb thing? SOME say NONE, others say ALL.

All this research shows me that while we do not have ideally balanced meals (and majority of the time I do not eat any where NEAR enough food), we do it healthy. Just happens to be mostly healthy protein, and less of the other good stuff. Which, again, depending on the diet, is the perfect thing for whatever it is I have. *shakes head* it is way to confusing.

I’ll figure it out eventually.

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Rough night

Well, technically it is day now, but still. The title fits.

Hubby had been on a CPAP machine for almost 4 months, maybe longer? It was a trial thing. It worked. Problem is, his insurance (which we still had at the time) only covered 80%, well, 80% of $2400, was still more than we could afford, so we had to give it back.

It has now been 2 months of him not having it. He has gone from a solid 5 – 6 hours of sleep (and slowly getting more) to 2 – 4 hours of broken sleep. It is affecting his health, his mood, and all he wants to do is sleep because he is exhausted all the time.

The other problem, while I love my husband, and sympathize, and wish I could make it better, I also fantasize about putting a pillow over his face and just holding it there until it stops! Now, not every night, just some nights are worse than others. And nights like tonight’s was, I also fantasize about using a cast iron frying pan instead of the pillow.

You see, I ended up going to bed at 4:30, but because I am having major lower back and leg pain, I had trouble falling asleep until 6 or 6:30. So to be woken up by what you think is a landslide? Can be very annoying. I almost broke into tears a few times.

It is also very frustrating because no matter what doc says? In 2 weeks (with or with OUT his permission) I am going back to work. Which means, I need my solid 8 or 9 hours of sleep. Yes, I am one of those people who needs proper sleep. I can’t sleep on the couch, not with my allergies, and the fact I am in pain (I even broke down and took a percocet. Which I am trying to stop using, and isn’t working any way).

Right now, I am inches away from a break down due to lack of sleep and pain. I HAD all things under control and shoved so far down it would never see the light of day, but right this minute? It’s either I steal the money for the machine (which I found online for under $1000! Maybe a bit over with shipping?), kill the husband, or find a new place to live. I just. CAN’T TAKE IT.

What? Oh. Umm that guy in the back asked why my husband isn’t sleeping on the couch. Good question sir. Many reasons, one, I am a VERY nice wife and insisted he take the bed. Two, he is a very large man and doesn’t really fit on the couch. Three, his hip is out-of-place to the point of having troubles walking, so the couch would not be helpful. And four, I have no fucking clue. Because I told him to, and he wanted to, so he is in the bed.

The thing about the CPAP machine, while he was on it, he did not see a lot of improvement. But we did! Even though he was only up to 5 or 6 hours a night (average was 4.7 I think the report said?), it was a SOLID  sleep, restful sleep. His depression was slowly becoming less of a fuck nugget, his anxiety was slightly easier for him to control, he wasn’t so …. bitchy towards weird things (like our son … wait, that sounds wrong! Not how I meant it). Kiddo and I could SEE he was improving.

Within 3 days of that machine being gone. *sigh* The back slide in all those things, including over all health (and size), was so visible, and almost a solid thing. You could FEEL the depression grabbing tighter, the tension, the anger, the exhaustion. ALL of it was almost a visible force. IS.

Of course, my getting sick and being home at the same time it went back does NOT help. He worries about me, but has no energy for … anything. He can’t put any one first, he can’t hardly function. Which of course is affecting me.

Even if my insurance will cover it (can’t find information on that ANYWHERE on their site), I have been off work long enough now that any second I could lose my coverage* before we even receive it.Hell, before we can even order it. I want to ask my dad if we can borrow the money, but of course hubby keeps shooting me down. I am pretty sure, even with the extra time off work, I can scrape up at least $400 of it, maybe even $500 if I do some creative juggling with the budget (loose usage of the word budget. More of a broken plan).

No matter what we do though, I just don’t see how we can get this thing in the next 10 minutes so I don’t kill him! Even out here in the living room, I can here when he gasps for air, the sound is what I assume an erupting volcano must sound like, or a mudslide if you are in it?

When I have slept, and am not in pain, I can handle it, I can even feel sympathy, but as I am now? I just have murder on my mind. And of course it is doing NOTHING to help my depression, anxiety (a new thing for me), or even my health. *SIGH*

Now, if you will excuse me, I think I will make some coffee, super hot. Maybe I will even drink a cup first…..




*See, this job? To keep the extended benefits, you have to average 24 hours a week, over the period of 18 weeks. Hell, even hubby’s crappy old job (non-union) had better than that. Hell they covered him for as long as he was on LTD/sick leave. Which was close to 4 years.

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Appointment update

Saw doc today, I do NOT have cancer, obstructions, blockages (same diff if you ask me), or Crohn’s, or Colitis, and not IBS. I have to admit, I am disappointed in the results, yet happy that there is nothing seriously wrong. Just wish we had a reason for this. For now he says we will class this as IB for now (Irritable bowel). I thought maybe CG (Cranky gut) but he didn’t seem to think that was as catchy. pftt

All hope is not lost though. He did give me homework while we wait for more tests (for other stuff, in a minute), and the results. He seems to be leaning towards SIBO (Small Intestine Bacteria Overgrowth), and/or an over production of stomach acid.

So I have done my homework, and yeah, that SIBO thing sounds very much like what I have. I don’t have every last symptom (like the vomiting), but enough that that is a probable cause. I had asked him about adhesions from my hysterectomy, but he doesn’t think that would be the problem, as I have been dealing with this most of my life in one form or another. BUT, he did say if we rule out everything else, then we will loop back to that. Problem is, the only way to diagnose adhesions is with laparoscopic surgery, which is surgery, any way you slice it. Not just a day thing.

Now as to what WAS found. Mild case of esophagitis, inflamed esophagus. Which we’ve suspected for a while and I have been on a PPI (Proton-Pump Inhibitor) for a few months now.

Since I brought in new issues (Red, itchy, swelling under eyes, pressure in chest, neck, and throat, as well as a feeling my vertigo was coming back – but with pain) we also talked about that.

The chest tightness and pain, could be part of this infection/bacteria thing that’s going on with my system, or (and these two are the most likely cause) it is from my coughing (asthma related), and the inflammation in my esophagus. He also feels I have blocked, or inflamed Eustachian tubes, which I have had in the past, that can be triggering the lymph node coming and going, and is more than likely from my allergies, and the coughing. And the cause of the Tinnitus. Lots of itises, too many.


So, for now, we will continue as is. Continued use of the PPI, pain reliever (he prefers Tylenol, but understands if I use my percocet, but won’t refill it. Fair enough), and once I have a CT scan of my chest, throat, and sinuses, we will see if I need a broad spectrum antibiotic. The antibiotic I may need any way if when I go in, we both agree that my bowel issues are this SIBO thing. Unfortunately it is a newer “recognized” problem (newer as in less than 10 years), so there is no exact test for it, as it is just an over growth of bacteria that is supposed to be there.

If I get treated for SIBO, a long course treatment of the antibiotics along with prescription strength probiotics (who knew that was a thing? Just assume OTC), and continued use of the PPI to weaken the acid to give my bowels/intestine/stomach a change to relax and heal.

So, while I did not get solid “THIS is your problem” answers today, we are still moving forward, and he is not treating me like a hypochondriac. He is willing to rule everything out, and doesn’t dismiss my ideas out right.

So, all in all? not too bad. Disappointed, sure, but not depressed.

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Appointment tomorrow

Okay, this post is more for me than anyone else. I just find I remember things better if I make lists, notes, and talk about them. So, since my poor hubby and son are sick to death of my whining about my health, and I have my doctor’s appointment tomorrow, I figured I’d bore all you lovely people! *crickets* umm Okay, the single one or two that accidentally stumble on this post. đŸ˜‰

Things I NEED to try to remember for tomorrow:

1.) Get my results (if done)

Depending on results, discuss the following as well (to find answers):

2.) What the fuck are these red swollen blotches under my eyes that itch like fucking hell!?? AHHHH

3.) Why the hell are my lymph nodes in my neck CONSTANTLY going crazy? Giving me this odd pressure/achy thing in my chest, neck, shoulder. Sort of like the feeling before passing out, but with out the light-headed feeling. It’s a gross feeling more than painful.

3 b.) Is my neck, shoulders, and headache connected to said lymph node problems?

3 c.) For that matter, is EVERYTHING connected? do I have “the cancer”? Am I possessed? Am I dying? (Other than the fact everyone is TECHNICALLY dying. duh)

4.) Asthma still being a bitch. Is it even asthma now? Wait, should this be 3 d?

5.) (or 4?) BLOOD TESTS PLEASE! test me for everything. I mean, anything that would cause lymph nodes to go wonky, and my lungs (they seem to be at the same time?)

6.) Under my eyes are REALLY itchy, please help! I look like I’ve been beaten up.

7 Like, really itchy. Could I be dying? No, wait, that’s not what I want to say. I mean …

What was I saying? See? THIS is why I need to talk it out first. UGH.

I swear, I think my body is trying to escape. Because if it isn’t one thing with me, it’s another, or a combination of things all at once! Like what The hell? I am worse than a crappy appliance from Wal-Mart. Hit the end of the warranty and *BOOM* it dies a horrible fiery death.


You know, on the positive side? my bowels seem to have settled in to normal routine! Pain is holding steady around 2 (more just uncomfortable than pain), which is my usual all the time feeling. YAY, normal for me.

Of course, my lymph node(s) in my neck are getting smaller and less painful, but still bugging me. All that means I will wake up tomorrow and be 100% healthy and well rested for my appointment …

Okay, so much for this. I give up.

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Health, work, and other scary words

I’m not one to usually feel anxious, or even let myself feel/acknowledge it. That’s not to say I don’t feel it, I just handle it differently than most people I know. I could deep dive into the whys until the cows came home, but really, that’s too much back story for this lady, and frankly? That much history is just too boring, even for me.

All that to state, I find myself unable to push past my feels right now. I still am feeling less anxiety than the average duck, or at least all the ones I know? Which, considering everyone I know has high anxiety, might not be a good comparison? It’s not like it is keeping me awake at night. At least, not the anxiety. It’s just thoughts that randomly pop in my head during the day.

You see, I want to go back to work, NEED to go back to work. But as I sit here, I am yet AGAIN, fighting an asthma attack, my neck/took lymph-node is pulsing, and my bowels have decided to go from “Hey, I need to go NOW!! RUN!!” to “Naww, I don’t want to go. Again. EVER!!! MWAHAHA NO!”

My health is a mess. If it’s not one thing it is another. I think about how I would feel on my feet for 8 hours, and I cringe. It worries me. I worry about how work is going to be if have another attack and have to have a week or more off. I also worry folks will treat me differently. From what I am told, there are SO many new people, and many changes to staff. If I KNEW there be friendly faces when I got back? Maybe I’d be less worried?

Hell, taking 3 hours to do dishes (because we are slobs who can’t do them nightly and let them pile up for a week or more – rinsed, we aren’t disgusting) causes problems. When my asthma is as it is now, it means I feel faint and out of it, for my bowels, it causes cramps and many times makes me feel like I might have to sit.

THAT is the other thing. What if I have to go at work? What if my bowels choose to flare while I am working? I can’t just run to the bathroom. We are too busy for that. And if I could just go, I am usually on the toilet up to and over and hour each time. Plus, it can be loud, and if it is flare up, it is usually VERY smelly. I do NOT want that at work.

Thing is, I am usually able to talk myself through this sort of thing. And I am, it’s just not helping. I mean, usually I can push all worries out the window until I see doc (Thursday) for the results, and THEN go from there. After all, who knows what he will say. Might have an answer, which means we (me) can set up a plan for if I have a flare. And he might have some other way to control my asthma (no CLUE why it is so damned bad this year?).

Then there is the sleep thing. I am still only sleeping about 4 hours a night max, and that is mostly when the hubby wakes up and I go to bed. Without his CPAP machine* his snoring is horrific, he keeps waking up every hour or so, kicks, jumps, and otherwise disturbs MY sleep. Though, that is not the full reason I don’t sleep well. My asthma, bowels, and hemorrhoids are the biggest reason.

I am just so sick of being unhealthy. WHY can’t I just be healthy?

So, yeah. A bit of anxiety.






  • His insurance ended, and no money for it. They wanted close to $3000. His insurance when we had it, was going to cover a little over half. But that meant still trying to find over a thousand. We just don’t have that. BUT, I found a site on-line that sells them for $950 CAD. So I will call my insurance (if I still have it – it cuts off when you don’t work x number of hours in a time frame. DUMB), see if they cover it since I can’t find that online. Either way, I’ll talk to dad and ask him if I can borrow the money, and figure out how I can pay him back. WHICH, takes me back to …. I NEED TO WORK!
Posted in Anxiety, Family, Health, Life | Leave a comment