Random thoughts, and health update(s)

Bah, I have to be honest, I have no idea where this post will go. I really need to start making the titles after the post. But whatever, I try to use it as my guideline of where I want the post to head. Not that it works out that way. Besides, majority of time, these posts are just my way of emptying out the crap that is rattling around in my brain, trying to drive me even more insane than I already feel I am.

That said, on with the real post. Ya, long-winded, run on sentence, preamble. shrugs

OH! I should rename my blog from lonely thyroid to “brain dump”. Probably already taken.

So it’s been a hectic few weeks back at work. First two weeks, with 4 hour shifts, went fairly smoothly. Mainly just relearning codes, and interacting with customers, and policies and such. Helped I was on the smallest express till as well. Almost no real lifting. And very quick-moving so time flies. Everyone wants to be on that till. Which of course meant, me being me, I felt quite bad anytime I had to boot someone off the till.

The second week of course I got a nasty bug of some sort. I mean it was a give, really. Think about it, I was away from human contact practically the whole 6 months I was off work, so I wasn’t building immunity. Then there is the fact my immune system usually crashes for close to two months (sometimes longer) after any sort of surgery. I was guaranteed to get sick. Just how bad was the question.

Turned out to be fairly bad. It flared my asthma cough to epic portions. I did manage to continue to work. But it was not easy. And once I went to full-time, that meant the large tills as well. A large till means bigger (sometimes 2 or 3 carts full of groceries) orders, more lifting, bending, twisting of the body. Add to that the cough was bad enough that at times I was throwing up, or even forcing air and fecal matter out of my colon! Wasn’t pleasant. THANKFULLY never at work. Though I did need to use pee pads. But ya, at work I managed to (barely) keep the cough under just enough control that I could function without peeing or pooping myself! Just grossing customers out with possible germs flying through the air …

After I ended up feeling like I pulled muscles, or ripped something in my surgical area(s), AND farting blood/clots, I decided it was time for a day (and a half) off work, and see the doctor. Unfortunately it wasn’t MY doctor. It was the one I don’t like, who loves lectures, and withholding actual needed help.

Took me the whole appointment just to get my Prednisone prescription, and when I asked him about possible problems in the surgery sites, he said he didn’t think the cough could do it, though maybe? And he was SURE that it wasn’t work, after all, I don’t do much as a cashier …. no heavy lifting (dude, bags, of potatoes, sugar, grocery bags FULL of groceries, that aren’t always just crackers. Jugs of milk, and water bottles. PLUS there is the reaching for the groceries off the belt, placing them in the bags, lifting them on to the counter, or putting them in the buggies … Dick head? JUST “standing” at the till and “doing nothing” I get 3,400 PLUS steps, in a FOUR HOUR shift … imagine an eight-hour. Asshole. But, cashiers don’t do much. FUCK that STILL pisses me off.

So, ya. That doctor didn’t even check me over, or poke at my surgical areas, nothing. Just said keep an eye on it. And walked me out of the room. No error interpreting that. He stood up, gestured to door, I had no choice. GET OUT.

I miss my doctor when he isn’t there. sigh

Anyway, so I was back at work Thursday, and today. Some interesting things, maybe for another day? Or later in the post. But some people said I was missed, some in a tone that made me feel as if maybe they felt I shouldn’t have called in sick. Others in a tone that made me feel cared for. So who knows. Also felt like some were giving me the cold shoulder? I have NO CLUE why? Yeah, I went home in pain, yes, I called in sick the next day. BUT, for TWO DAYS, after that, I worked the big tills, I pulled my weight ALL WHILE IN PAIN! Yeah, okay. I had help from Percocet (JUST HALF! or I’d be WAY to loopy!), But I made sure to let the head boos know, and assured him it would not affect my work. So fuck knows why some seemed upset with me?  Well, I know that it is hard as hell when a cashier is missing, but it felt personal. 😦

I am feeling a bit better today. The sharp pains are still there, but the pulled feeling is fading. But the cough is about 80% under control now, so it isn’t affecting my muscles as badly. The Prednisone is working. It also allows me to actually cough up the crap in my lungs when I do cough. Which makes it less forceful and painful, and makes it more productive and easing of pain. (I think that makes sense? I feel less pained and pukey, and feel more relaxed, and able to cough)

I MIGHT need a Percocet tonight for sleep? again, just half. Not for the stabbing pull in the side, but the sharp pains in my surgical areas, while not super intense, do not respond to any other medication, not even Tylenol and Advil together, and it is just painful enough to prevent sleep. Sort of an internal sunburn kind of feeling?

Whatever.

I am trying my damnedest to push the paranoia away. I really am. I am SURE that the looks and tones are just my imagination. Maybe. I don’t know. But if it is, this mood will certainly make me see/feel things that aren’t accurate.

I just … I don’t know. Even people on-line I interact with seem distant? BUT, I know I do NOT always see posts on Facebook. Actually, Facebook hides a LOT from me. A LOT!! I have even had it delete posts, not with warnings or anything, pretty sure just glitches. So maybe that’s all it is? Maybe Facebook is just being a jerk and hiding my posts from those that usually notice and comment?

Or, maybe I am just being a paranoid freak. Or people actually are just so sick of me they just want me to go away.

 

(I vote the last one. But that’s just my mood right now.)

 

Well, I think I will go kill monsters in Diablo for a while. Maybe that will make me feel better?

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Work, surgery, and time

I seriously need to work on my titles. I have rare good ones, but majority of them suck. shrugs Ah well, on to the post.

So work has been going well, last few shifts I have been having some cramping and twinges in the surgery sites, and stomach. But I have a feeling that has more to do with me being backed up. Which would be from the remaining inflammation from surgery, which gets aggravated from standing for so long. Right now I am playing the balancing act and losing (I think?)

For now, I am going to treat myself as if I have IBS (I probably do). Surgery dealt with the worst of my problems, but I still need to control the workings of my bowel. At least until enough time has gone by that I can know if it is, or is not from surgery.

Today I worked 6 hours. I was called in early (given a choice, but hey, more money!) to cover for a few people who called in sick. I survived, but holy CRAP was the last hour really hard. Sort of scares me for Monday when I switch to 8 hour shifts, with only one day off to rest. I don’t know. Plus going to the bigger tills? That means lots of lifting (express tills I can slide the bags to the bag rest area).

The only thing preventing me from freaking out is that I spoke with boss lady today. She asked me everything that happened since last time we’d spoken (way before the surgery), and man, I had to laugh! She couldn’t get over how little pain I had considering what was wrong. I just shrugged and told her that it was bad towards the end, but not as bed as she thought it should be. I didn’t go into the fact I have a high thresh hold for pain, not much point. No one ever really believes it, they just think you are exaggerating how much or little pain you have. She did tell me that I should have taken more time off, but like I told her, no one is going to pay my bills but me, and I couldn’t wait any longer. SO, she told me, once I am on full shifts if I have ANY problems, just let her know and she will put me on the wheel1, so that I can have a chair and sit down! (usually no one gets a chair! She likes me. 😉 or she just doesn’t want me off sick again …. hehehe) I am hoping I don’t need to do that, or if I do? Not very often. I HATE getting special treatment if I don’t need it.

And though I am loathe to say it, I have to once again say that I am grateful the doctors put their feet down regarding me having reduced hours. And while I am glad, monetarily, that they didn’t insist for the amount of time off, part of me wishes they also insisted I had more time off. But, while it may add time to my actual full recovery time, I am glad to be able to buy groceries etc again! And pay some bills off.

Yep. I’ll live, maybe even thrive, if I can just get through another month? But no matter what, it is still no where NEAR as bad as it was. Just a bit unsettling because I worry that pain will come back. But that too will fade in time, and I won’t be so twitchy about it. Until then, I’ll just keep reminding myself of why it is not the same, and keep pushing through.

As much as work is hard, and even sometimes annoying, it really is nice to be back!!

 

 


  1. The wheel is a sort of game that people pay so much money for spins. They then spin the wheel to win different amounts of points. The points go on the loyalty card, which can be used for money off groceries, or buy products or trips. It’s a cushy job. 
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Was it something I said?

Man, pretty sure I am a giant, royal fuck up many days. But lately, it seems I can’t do, or say anything right.

Sure, I could blame trying to get back into the swing of work, I could blame the cold, or allergies, or even lack of sleep. Hell, I could even blame my anxiety that every pang I feel is my health going into the shitter (literally) again.

But I won’t. I only have myself to blame. There are no excuses for taking emotional, or physical problems out on other people.

And even when I am right (I may have been gone 6 months, but some things will never change, don’t TELL me it has), it is no excuse to act like a bitch.

Thing is? I have no clue what is really a problem, and what is from my depression caused paranoia. Like, are people REALLY avoiding me? If so, was it what I said? Did? Didn’t do?

And if they aren’t avoiding me, then why no contact, or smiles, or hellos? And why are some giving me side eye?

I am very grateful for the ones so excited to see me back at work, and the hugs, and squeals. Just wish I could figure out the other stuff. I mean for some (many) I could not care one iota less about them. But some, it hurts.

Hell, it’s not even so much the co-workers. It’s customers, acquaintances, friends, family – people I care about. Those, I worry about.

Makes me feel evil. Like I don’t deserve good stuff because I fuck up. Well, that’s what the paranoid part of my brain says.

I think I know better?

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TMI. So much TMI!

Really, I recommend you turn back now. This is about colds, sinuses, and bowel function. It will get sticky and gross!

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Okay, should be enough space to hide the worst from Facebook’s auto-preview thing. So on with the grosstasticness!!

First, I am VERY grateful both the surgeon and doc put their feet (foots?) down about the reduced hours (to be honest, I think they actually meant less than I am getting.) If I had gotten my way, I would probably be back in the hospital or something! 5 days of 4 hour shifts standing? HARD.

I hate to admit this, but it’s been both easier, and a lot harder than I thought it would be. See, my logical brain KNEW it was going to be rough. I assumed sharp pains, needing to sit down, maybe even take extra breaks. I haven’t. Much easier than that.

The other side of me figured since I was feeling so good 4 hours would be a breeze! That part figured I MIGHT get sore feet, maybe a sore back. I figured a shift or two and I’d be fine. Thought the worst part would be trying to remember everything. It was as lot harder than that.

The truth of it all is this: I underestimated my body’s reaction to the surgery. I assume that because I had little to no pain that I was mostly healed and wouldn’t have pain. And I overestimated my body’s memory for standing and moving.

I also forgot to factor in a person’s low immunity for a month or so (wildly varies per person) after surgery, and the fact I have hypothyroidism, AND my allergies.

I was off work 6 months. I also had very little contact (almost none in the last 2 or 3) with the outside world. My system forgot how to fight the common stuff. I wear gloves for several reasons, but the main is to remind me not to touch my face. It works. I would HATE to think how bad I’d be if I didn’t wear gloves, or had touched my face!

The first day shocked me. Hardly any pain, just sore feet, some bloating, rare sharp pains in surgical sites, and an urgency to poop when I got home. And I did. A lot. My normal, soft and shaggy.*

Second, more of the same, plus back pain, more bloating, and a gas like pain in my bowels, and less poop more mucous.

Third day? I regretted going back to work. My hair hurt. My bowels needed evacuating the second I walked in the door. And I damned near over flowed the toilet and it was almost liquid. I wasn’t sure I’d make it 2 more days.

The next 2 days I don’t recall the details, but similar to day 1 and 2, a mix. So odd pooping every day. For me. And so easily. STILL takes over an hour, but that is a lazy bowel for you. Plus how long had it been tied up like that? It is shy. Hehe

I had yesterday off, and did very little. Bowels kicked in around the time I’d get off work. (I better never work a night shift!!)

Each day my bowels get sore and sharp pains (like food poisoning cramps, less intense) after work until I poop. Once that first bit is out, the pain stops. Tonight is the first time I’ve had spasms since the surgery. Not painful. Just weird. But as always, I never feel done. Feels like I have diarrhea, even if it isn’t. Like I could go any second. And I do, sometimes, go multiple times in the VERY long time I sit here.

Thing is? I can’t figure out if this is the old problem coming back, a new problem, or just my usual bowel but with added aches because of surgery.

Adding it up it seems like it is a combination problem: my bowels are normally lazy, and the poop is loose. Now I am also dealing with post surgery inflammation. Add to that, the fact I am a cashier, standing for 4 hours (for now. Go to 8 next Sunday!! 😱) which will add to the inflammation. And mix in germs and colds, and a low immune system …

I might just be patient zero.

My sinuses are leaking out of my nose and threatening my face, my head feels like a solid lead basketball, but sometimes tries to float away. And occasionally a firecracker will go off in the right sinus cavity just behind my eye. But is it a cold? Allergies? More than likely both!

I mean come on, how is it possible to have ANY normal bodily functions with all that? Normal bowels? Not likely. Clear sinuses? HA!

But knowing all that doesn’t stop me from wanting to run to my doctor for tests to make sure. I can’t help but be jumpy. I NEVER want that pain and suffering back. Not ever. To be completely honest? I am not even sure I’d wish it on Trump. Yeah, it was that bad.

Logically I know it isn’t coming back, or if it did, not for a minimum of a year. I just need to get use to work and being around people.

Now, if I could get if the toilet …

*My BMs are still shaggy, mucous filled, and smelly etc. The biggest change is no pain during. And no blood. Very “IBS” like, which is to be expected as my insides are still healing (I suspect that working so soon will up the full recovery time. Possibly to mid October?)

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Body image and health

I don’t know how accurate my title is, and I may change it once I’ve typed the thoughts rambling in my head, but, for now, it is Body image and health.

I have always hated my body, sometimes the whole, sometimes in part. Recent health problems have proven to me that image is also tied to how I feel. When I feel great, I look differently at my body. Sometimes that even rubs off on others, other times, you still have assholes (usually, but not always, men) that feel the need to comment on what you need to change because “you aren’t attractive enough”.

Thankfully, I have reached the age where I could not give a single shit what people like that think. Sure, it stings some, but mostly I get mad because I SUCK at come backs. Frankly, it only matters what I think of my body, and to a smaller degree, my husband1. There are only two areas that I am not sure I will ever like, the flappy back of the upper arms(the “bye bye arm – I wave hello, they wave goodbye …), and my stomach. And for THE longest time, it was just my arms.

My recent health problems have really changed my outlook in regards to my stomach. I know I didn’t really look 9 months pregnant all the time, but it felt like I was, and so to me, I could see that size in the mirror.

Tonight that damned depression cloud threatened again, and I took a good, LONG look at my body (without clothing) in the mirror. I don’t mean in a critical way, though it was difficult to push past that. No, I deliberately looked for the good stuff. I smoothed my hand along areas I liked, pinched areas to ignore, things like that.

I came to a realization (for a short time), I can not ignore my stomach. I hate it with a passion so deep it could honestly drive me mad if I let it. But I just stared at it. Swollen (still) from work, burnt from the over use of heat bag, and the scars from giving birth, hysterectomy, and the latest surgery. And then I did what many women must do when staring at their “fat bellies”, I attempted to suck it in.

Here’s the kicker. I could. Sure, the flabby pouch just above the c-section scar wouldn’t budge (doctors have told me that will never truly go away, reduce maybe, but I will always have a bulge there), but the rest sucked in. See, when I was sick I couldn’t do that. If I even thought about it I would become nauseated, sometimes even dizzy, from the pain and pressure in my abdomen, stomach, and bowels.

I had only half-heartedly tried to suck it in because I expected pain. But when I found none, I tried to REALLY suck it in. You know? Where you suck it in so hard and tight you can’t breathe and everything aches! I did that. I COULD do that. And when I did, guess what I saw? No bloating, no swelling, (minus of course the lower areas and around my incisions … which were odd as they sort of popped out from the flatter areas! made me giggle) AND I could see my ribs. I even had areas that were curved inwards.

I then let it go, just to the point where I could breath comfortable, but still holding it in, and I damned near cried. Not from pain, not even from vanity. No, from relief. I have been so focused on the swelling of my stomach and the pains from after work, that I never gave much thought to what would happen if I train my muscles, or tried to hold it in. I just let it hang because I HAD to when I was so sick.

Okay, yes. I still have some ache, and bruised feeling in the whole area, similar to when I was sick. But the surgeon warned me it would take 6 weeks to recover, and that is not including me working (she said that BEFORE I asked to go back to work, and she wasn’t thrilled with that idea, but grudgingly allowed it with reduced hours), so could be even longer by a few weeks.

I have made my self a promise, perhaps almost a threat, to start holding in my stomach, even just sitting on the couch. I NEED to train my body, and mind, that those muscles CAN and WILL work again. Even if it is just a tiny bit, just enough so I can feel the muscles working, even if the stomach doesn’t move.

It’s odd. It has really lifted my spirits. I don’t think I realized how much I was worried about the swelling. I mean I knew, I just don’t know that I knew how much? Well, at least that’s my theory, that I was worried?

I am, I am so fucking scared of the pain and that hell coming back. I am pretty sure I am waiting for the other shoe, so to speak. So to have this “test” of sorts, to know that I am okay, it is a relief.

I think I’m going to be okay guys!

Still going to buy looser pants with some give in them tomorrow (for work). Because having my breath cut off, and the stomach ACTUALLY get pins and needles from circulation loss near the end of my FOUR HOUR shift, I need to solve that before I start my 8 hour shifts in a week!! I may also buy some cheap stretchy “granny panties” that won’t be so tight. The ones I have now start out loose (because I am not so swollen all the time), but after 2 – 3 hours at work they dig in.

Yep. I need comfort. If I am going to make it to the fully healed point without hating myself/body, then I need some comfort in which to survive! hehe

aaaaand I just saw the clock, umm 5:20 am is way to late for me to be awake. And I wonder why I am so tired all the time. Idiot! Thank fuck I don’t work tomor … today.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


  1. and only because I want to be that way for him, not because he cares. He loves me for me, not my body! Hell, I could look like a tank, or a tree, or a cloud, he wouldn’t care. HE and his love of me no matter what is what has helped boost my confidence in myself. :* Thanks hun! 
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