… *Untitled whine*

I didn’t know where to post this. Twitter, Facebook, here, or all? So I’ll post here which adds Twitter.

<Sarcasm>

I have come to realize that my health problems are all in my head. After all, what has been happening the last week or so (leading to tonight), is PERFECTLY normal. 🙄

</Sarcasm>

I have had 3 really rough bowel movements that involved swearing, tears, labour like pains, and horrific cramping, and continued bleeding.

Then tonight, I tried. Felt like nothing happened, just some spasms (not much pain). When I gave up, I noticed about 4 grape sized white firm mucous balls with thread thick fecal matter, and pea sized clots INSIDE the balls.

Ya. Sorry. Can’t tell me there isn’t a fucking blockage or similar.

BUT, because there is no real blood in my usual fecal matter, I am not considered a high enough risk to see a specialist.

Loooooong story to it all. My doc is trying over and over to get me in. But we can’t find the magic tests they will pay attention to.

Whatever. All I know is my body, brain, and being is shutting down, and I just want to stay in bed and sleep for a century. Sigh

Well, that’s enough from me. I need sleep. Have to be awake in 6 hours.

Blech

Time does fly

Man, some days you just can’t shut me up. Then other’s? I go radio silent for weeks, even months.

Life wise, things really haven’t been horrible. We’ve been late on bills, but paying them (minus the two in collections). And we have food, and money coming in. PLUS (if we stick to our budget) we will even be able to start putting money aside in a month or two!

And yet.

I have been feeling … well that’s just it. I haven’t been. Not much any way. I am going through the motions, and doing it every day. But other than random things? I just … don’t really care. This is different than my usual depression. Not quite sure how to fight this. I do know a lot has to do with my health, and lack of movement towards answers. My doc keeps trying, but with Canada losing doctors to other countries, it just makes for much longer waits. Short of stabbing myself, or swallowing actual glass (many days it feels like I have), I don’t see how I can get moved up to even get ON a list, let alone move up that list.

I am still managing to keep my pain medication to the minimum, but it is getting harder to deal with this pain with out some sever frustration! couple of days ago I made a chai mix to have on hand (REALLY helps with the nausea part of whats wrong with me), and while making it I had to stand for under an hour. After, my stomach was spasming so badly you could SEE it moving, and I felt like I was going to pass out, plus I ended up on the toilet, with what I call labour pains, for almost 4 hours. Needless to say, I broke down and cried for a minute.

I cry when frustrated. Sometimes. Sometimes I can control it. Depends on the situation.

Poor hubby! You could SEE his pain of not being able to do anything. Of course our new family member (a pup – year ish?) who is supposed to become an ESA (emotional support dog), for our son, just laid there a foot away looking at me and sleeping.

Work has become so difficult for me. By the time lunch break gets there I am ready to sleep for days, months even. A few reasons for that. Anemia, medications, and the fact customer support jobs are fucking exhausting, even when not busy. But! I have never felt this bad. I had already thought my pain was constant, but with spikes. NOPE. I was wrong. NOW it is constant. and I regret not doing better in school and having a better job, and savings so I could take time off until I am fixed.

Oh well.

I am done ranting for now. I need to be in bed in an hour, so I best try to get out of this bathroom, so I’ll end this here.

I just had to rant while I was stuck in here. 8 out of 10 suppers are eaten in here. And I am so sick of it.

Been too long

I haven’t been here in a long time. At least, not to post. Got in crap at work for posting about work on line (even though I never mentioned it by name). Since here, Facebook, and Twitter were the only outlets I had in my life, I would vent on them. In the same way Most would with their friends in a bar after work.

Yes, some of my posts were darker, but that happens when you have health problems mixed with mental health problems, and apparently folks who treat it as a “scary thing” tm.

This caused me to withdraw from on line. A lot. I will keep it that way in most places, but here? I will no hide myself any more. THIS is my bar, this is where I vent. And all of you may not all be friends, but you are there, listening, maybe even commiserating? I will never mention my work by name, or anything except the fact I work with the public. I will even try to keep anything about work (that doesn’t directly involve my health*) off of here.

Thing is, not just pulling back on line, I pulled back in life. Hell, I didn’t even realize HOW bad my depression had gotten until more recently. This is what that post is about.

I had been feeling off for awhile. That much I acknowledged. Since depression can change and evolve, since it lies and deceives, we don’t always know when our old foe is coming back around!

That was me. Hell, all my life I didn’t even give a THOUGHT to anything outside my little bubble. didn’t actually care. Never really thought about mental health**. And from a very young age I knew pain on a monthly basis. Oh yes, all biological women know that. But some of us know more. This is something that had me seeing doctors early on. It kept me from school several days each period, and kept me from most activities. I bleed from day one until … well, I think the longest back then was 16 days? But BOY could I be misremembering?

I was anemic often.

I am mild anemic again. Not really a good mix with hypothyroidism, and depression. BOY do those three fuck. you. up. Mentally and physically. My low immune system gets even worse.

So.

I got the flu.

Thankfully I get the flu shots every year! (well, minus last year. NEVER making that mistake again) so it is a milder version, and won’t keep me off work more than this week off. But BOY did it come on fast. Or maybe slow? With depression in the mix, it is hard to say how long the flu had been trying to get hold of me.

To back track about no clue on time a month ago? I honestly don’t know. But about a month ago I discovered Shadowhunters on Netflix. My usual “feeling down” is to re-watch Supernatural (see a theme?) from start to end. BUT, damned Canadian Netflix doesn’t have it any more, and I don’t have the first mumbles some number she doesn’t remember right now seasons. So, I need something similar.

AAAAAND of course I didn’t know that it had been canceled. FUCK I hate that.

So, I had a mild epiphany.

I always assumed the shows triggered my depression. But, I would wallow there for a few episodes, seasons, series. It felt like an old comfortable bathrobe you use when sick. Or an old teddy from grade school that you haul out anytime you need it. Then I’d get to the other side, look back and wonder how I got through it.

Honestly, Sometimes it CAN be a bit scary? My thoughts get warped, and twisted around the music and themes of the shows. Not so bad as to become a reality bender. I DO know the difference. I just mean. God. What do I mean? It’s like being in a large pool at night. You know you are safe and can tread water for hours. But you lean back your head and watch the stars, and spin. You lose your place in the world, just for a second. Your head goes under and you sputter. Because you lost focus on the treading water. It’s like that. Regrets, what-ifs, I regress my age (in the sense of confidence, memories, etc), I get more and more lost in that world.

BUT, by the time I was on my second view of the series***, I realized! It is NOT the shows that bring on the depression. Sure, it makes me see it, feel it, and recognize it. But after that? It is much like an oar, or life jacket, just when you need it.

In this time, that is when I feel both the most lonely, and yet needing to be alone.

And I am amazed I kept this post so coherent to this point! But, now we reach the point where my mind slips off track. And today, there isn’t anything else super pressing rattling in my head.

Just more of the same on my health. Which probably will never get named, but is real nonetheless. (hope I catch all my spelling mistakes!) So many things combining to make it complicated. And the latest being the flu.

So I will finish here. I just want you to know. Alone, or not, you are NOT the only one. If you need to reach out, do it. It may not always come right away, and it may not always be in away you expect, or even recognize at first, but it is out there. Both help, and sameness. Sometimes different is NOT what you need, or want.

 

 

 

*AFTER I mention – there are some in life, that can not fathom, sympathize, empathize, or understand the trials of chronic health problems. Some also form biases against those with illness, especially those who don’t have something that isn’t named. I see you out there. I see those that are bullying, I see those that are bullied. I get those bullied might not have any choice, or any voice to speak up against their bully(ies). But hold on. Hold on for YOU, hold on for those watching, for those that need a hero to look up to. We see you, we see your strength and we draw strength from it, and pour back strength for you!

** As I got older, I did remember Mom taking me to what I believe is a child psychologist? I don’t know. What I do know, I saw a tree, bird, cat and blob. Apparently that was for my bed wetting? or something? I just remember getting a tiny pill that was supposed to help control it for sleep overs??

*** I tend to do any where from 1 – 3 first episode to last of a series I love and get “sucked into”. And sometimes during that I bounce to favorite episodes. But certainly after I jump straight to a hand full of favourites.

Too many thoughts, not enough words.

Right now, I have so very many thoughts running through my head, and yet, I don’t seem to have the words to form those thoughts into the physical space that is a conversation, or even just venting, or talking here, twitter, or Facebook.

One thing I have running around in my brain is about a tenant who committed suicide this past week. It is affecting my husband a great deal. My husband use to be one of the “suicide is cowardice”, and he still struggles with how shameful etc that he feels it is.

That’s one thought.

Another is just how I am feeling and doing. I also wonder at my lack of caring regarding the above mentioned suicide. I mean I agree it’s a sad thing, and I am a bit stunned, but over all, life goes on.

Too many thoughts to list, work, life, pain, health (or lack of), money, the kid, the world. Life, death.

I was just starting to feel like maybe I knew where I fit in this world, and I realize I still have no clue.

The dark corners of my mind

Sometimes the darkness rolls in so fast and unexpected I have no time to prepare. It’s like an avalanche of doubt, self hate, and poor me. Other times, it is more like a wave on the ocean, slowly creeping up the sand to lap at my feet. I can see it coming and prepare. I still get doubts, but less likely to have self-hatred, or dark thoughts.

I’ve never had a serious thought of suicide. I did try once in high school, but that was both a combination of not wanting to live, and a huge helping of needing attention. Now, as an adult, I feel embarrassment and shame for that girl.

I tend to keep a toe in the past, which is unhealthy for someone like me. Someone who may state and claim depression, but seldom do I own it, or accept it. I fight the fact i have depression. I hate it, I hate how it claims me.

All these years I have hated my “quirks”, I have hated my “specialness” and everything I thought was against the norm. I am NOT normal, I am not the same, and I never will be. I get so deep in my thoughts, dreams, and stories, I get lost. I am never really sure who the true me is. I never feel like the real me. Not completely. Sure, there are some people who I feel like I am probably the real me around. My son, my husband (Though, I think sometimes I’m not?? But he sees through it), I like to think I am with my friend from work, and … I hope to hell I am with Cat. But I am never sure.

Oh, I don’t feel like two (or more) separate people or anything. Just … It is SO HARD to explain it. I have never belong anywhere, I have never felt like I knew who, what, where, I was. I’d get caught in the stories in my brain (usually similar to books I was reading). For example, I am adopted. I would get caught up for MONTHS, sometimes even years, that maybe I wasn’t of this world.

Oh, sure. I KNEW the stories weren’t real. But just having them play out so fucking much in my head was very unhealthy. And it affected my every day interactions. I was the weird one, the one people would use, or tease. I am sure I had friends, but for the most part, I don’t think I had any true, deep friendships until I was older.

Pretty sure the truest (and probably the first) friendship I had (besides my husband), is someone I still have never met. It’s a strange relationship if you look to closely. It’s not like any other that is depicted in any medium. We don’t talk directly to each their very often, and for the most part we seldom talk to each other, at all. BUT, I would trust her with my life. Hell, when I was at my very lowest point*, she surprised me with a gift that I don’t think even my husband would have guessed as a good one. (okay, he probably would have? But … not like this)

I mean, just the surprise of it alone was a huge boost just when I needed it, the gift was just an added bonus that …. well, it saved me! And while I have never given her anything (I don’t count money) because I am clueless to other people. Mom accuses me of not caring. well, she USE to. I’ve tried explaining. I DO care. I TRY, oh fuck I TRY to be the thoughtful, caring, listening type person who knows what everyone likes and can get the great gift or know what someone is thinking or feeling. I just … I struggle so fucking hard. This is hard to admit, and this is the first time I am even really thinking it let alone putting it out there … But I think I have to admit I am selfish?? I find it so damned hard to get out of my head, to be a part of anything. I have used 99% of the energy I was born with, and if I’m not careful, It’s going to be all gone before I can say boo.

I don’t mean to be this way. I don’t WANT to be. I just don’t know what to do, or how to do it, not without killing off my energy. I need it.

I’m just so tired. Tired of being sick. Tired of my body betraying me. Tired of the fucked up shit in the world. Hell, I am tired of everything (but animals) on the planet. Everything is the same, it’s just going around, and around, and around, and around. I have no will or energy to give even one letter of the work fuck to anything but me. Me and my husband and my son.

I am fighting. I am fighting so fucking hard. I am fighting my demons, I am supporting my husband and son in fighting theirs. I am trying so hard to hold it all together while it feels like it is all falling around me. I TOTALLY get why Nero kept fiddling while Rome burnt around him.It all gets to be just to damned much sometimes, and you freeze. You stay in your own little world and just ignore the rest. Even if that is the worst thing to do, sometimes your mind, and body in some cases, give you no choice.

I seldom think of suicide, and never with the intent to do it. But I should real face facts that I do have suicidal thoughts, even if there is no intent.

I am in a very dark place tonight. But no one around me would ever know. They might know something was wrong, but most would assume my pain, or exhaustion, but not this. Not that the dark has enveloped me.

I can still see through it, and I know, even if it gets darker, it WILL end. But a small secret? Sometimes I am not sure I want it do. Sometimes, just sometimes, not caring is so much easier. Giving up isn’t usually an option. But the darkness makes it one.

 

Oh, and those muscle twitches than make my legs or rams twitch when I am trying to fall asleep? They are now happening while I am awake. At work, on the couch. While I am walking. Just mild, nothing anyone would see. Just what I feel. My stomach, my shoulder, sometimes my foot. All I can hide, or change to look like a stretch or shaking out of a sore muscle.

Now, before I become even more morose, I will sign off. Need to go get my heat bag. Hurting tonight.

 

 

 

*I was so low, health crapping out, body betraying me, money issues damned near literally drowning me …  and while it wasn’t something I would follow through on (I am 95% sure), I was obsessed with suicide. I cried almost non-stop at everything. And My guilt was so tightly wrapped around me, I couldn’t separate it from me as a person. (still has a grip on me to some degree. But I am learning.)