I’ve been … I guess, depressed lately. Many reasons. The usual being the darker days, colder weather, and dealing with chronic illness(es). While I was fighting the good fight, and winning, the voices that tell me how horrible I am etc were still there. Not loud. But there. So, when I got sick this week with some sort of stomach bug (which aggravated my chronic stuff) and had to take yet more time off work … Well, I got a call from a boss. Needed a doctor’s note to be able to return. AND got the whole “you’re always sick” speech.
Honestly, I do NOT blame them. I am sick. every fucking day I am sick. Every hour I suffer, every minute I hold back the tears, and every. fucking. second of my life. I smile or move through that pain. So, ya. I go home from work a lot. Yes, I have sick days. Sadly, that is how it is with chronic illnesses.
If it was JUST the pain. I would stay. I would go. I would BE at work. I MIGHT take an extra break here and there. But I would do my damned job from start to finish and over and above. But it isn’t just pain. It is nausea, it is bowel movements that can not be planned, or controlled. It’s dizziness so bad that I can barely see or focus. AND YET. THROUGH ALL OF THAT, I will still go, and stay, at work. But if my bowels decide that they need to empty? Oh hell ya. I am going home.
I will NOT take 3 hours or more at work to go to the bathroom. I will NOT sit in a stall making others sick. And I most certainly will NOT let anyone hear me screaming until I can’t talk, or crying until there are small puddles on the floor. I will not. I don’t know how to convey that sort of agony to them. HOW do you convince an employer that you CAN work. You just might have to go home to poop?
I NEED a diagnoses. I need it NOW. Actually, I need it years ago, but now will do. I KNOW people think I am faking. I KNOW they don’t get it. But, if I could say “Oh. Ya. My health problem? Oh I have Chron’s.” Or Colitis, or endometriosis. Hell, even my adhesions causing blockages would be something. To be able to say “Oh, my illness name is flaring, I need to get home ASAP”. You know damned WELL that an employer would be much better with that than “Ya, so. My unknown problem? I kind of feel like I might have to poop? So … I need to go home?”
Just not the same impact. Not the same urgency.
We all (every doctor -but one) agree on what I PROBABLY have: Microscopic Colitis with pseudo-blockages caused by adhesions, as well as endometriosis.
Without that, I worry about my job. And normally, when depressions voice is silent, I could work through it. Calm myself. But depression is making it all so much larger, and so impossible. MAYBE, just maybe if I had some sort of name. If it hadn’t been so many fucking years of suffering, with no answers.
So I ask again!! Where do I go from here?
Lonely Thyroid 